The following deals with responses to the earthquake in
California. It's meant to make light of everyone who gets their
fingers in the pie after a disaster, not the people who are
suffering. If you might be offended anyway, hit "n" now.
febl-NEWS-RELEASE 04-01 0721
] FROM: FEBL Headquarters, Washington, D.C.
FEBL DISASTER UPDATE AS OF JANUARY 19, 1994, 6 p.m., EST
WASHINGTON -- A summary of information from the Federal Emergency
Bureaucracy of Lawyers' Legal Emergency Support Team (LEST),
Washington Execucracy (WE), Committee Assembled to Retard Expediency
(CARE), local governments affected by the San Fernando Valley
earthquake, the number four, and the letters Q and Z.
SITUATION
- Major damage has occurred to interstates as lawyers flooded into
the area to start making money on lawsuits. Mud slides have been
unpleasant, but welcome for their role in slowing down the lawyers.
- The earthquake and numerous aftershocks have been sued for
negligent actions, including failure to file an environmental
impact statement. President Clinton was blamed for failing to
prevent the eathquake, said to be caused by higher taxes.
- In a freak accident, several lawyers sued each other for failing
to sue each other. Judge Wapner is being consulted.
- The state issurance commissioner has not yet ruled on whether the
insurance industry's reaction ("Nyah, NYAH, Nyah, Nyah, NYAH")
is sufficient.
- The Governor of California declared a State of Emergency. The
Governor of Emergency declared a State of California. Still tied at
the bottom of the seventh inning.
- The Governor requested a Presidential Disaster Declaration.
President Clinton responded "my term HAS been rough, but I
wouldn't call it a Presidential Disaster, yet."
FEDERAL RESPONSE ACTIVITIES
- Federal overflights took place immediately. U.S. Air Force U-2
overflights appeared to show that downtown L.A. already received a
nuclear first-strike.
- FEBL reported that the federal government has no money to send,
but has begun crating up hundreds of lawyers, senators,
representatives, Bobbitt T-shirts, and other surplus items.
Note: The news media are requested to publish the FEBL toll-full
number as often as possible: 1-900-SUE-MY-BUTT. Calls Cost
$5,000,000 for the first minute, plus 50% of any damages received.
Children, ask your parents before dialing.
----------------------------
ObSerious: If you're involved in the earthquake, my heart goes
out to you. Good luck with the forces of nature and the subsequent
man-made disasters.
Andy Russo
# peace begins here and now
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