In response to a thread I forward this...
But be warned - it's fairly long so you might wanna read it offline..
(Just thinkin' about the old phone bill)
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* *
* THE MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB COMPENDIUM *
* ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ *
* *
* Dedicated to the memory of Mary Hall. *
* *
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* Introduction *
******************
After a conventional upbringing and squandered youth Mary Hall made her
mark on the world when she wrote the inspirational poem 'Mary had a Little
Lamb'; she dedicated her life to the advancement of the poem and dreamed
that it would someday be told the world over. Tragically even such a
peaceful pursuit has its dangers and Mary's murder at the hands of a
crazed schizophrenic poet shocked the world.
Larry 'The Lamb' Zhaga had spent many years following the progress of
the MHALL poem and had developed an obsessive fascination. Following the
death of his mother in an bizarre fishing accident Larry shrank into a
world of his own and spent his time writing to Mary in the hope that
'everywhere that Mary went, he could go too'. When he realised that his
dreams would never be fulfilled he took his revenge; Mary's body was found
after a climber reported almost being killed when Larry jumped contentedly
off a cliff (he had also had an earlier interest in lemmings).
This compendium has been produced as a tribute to Mary Hall.
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* The Prologue *
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Mary was a curious girl,
She had not a single friend;
Some say she brought upon herself,
Her own tragic end .....
PAL
Mary had some time to spare,
And wrote a little poem;
She based it on a lamb she`d seen,
But didn't even know him .....
NWT
Mary's poem did the rounds,
Achieving world-wide fame;
The problem with it now is that,
It just seems rather lame.
PAL
Mary led a quiet life,
At least until she died;
Her one success the poem,
That triggered her suicide.
PAL
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* The Poem *
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" Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was white as snow;
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go. "
Mary Hall
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* The Compendium *
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Mary had a little lamb,
She couldn't stop it crying;
She kicked it up the arse one day,
And sent it f**king flying.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
Forever it was gluing.
Making models of its friends,
In strange positions, screwing.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
But she wasn't really sure;
Was she quite full enough,
or should she have some more.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
It used to chew her slippers;
So Mary chopped off all it's legs,
With a pair of clippers.
PDC
Mary had a little lamb,
She got it rather pissed;
Then she gave it what it liked,
A quick one off the wrist.
NWT
Mary had a little lamb,
Which slept throughout the day,
Mary woke it up in the barn,
By igniting all the hay.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
It didn't have a willy.
Mary made a big mistake,
In calling this lamb Billy.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was ever so white;
She took it to France on holiday,
Where farmers set it alight.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
She also had a duck.
She put them on the mantlepiece,
To see if they would fall off.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
She liked it very much.
Until she caught it smoking dope,
When she kicked it in the crutch.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
Her wool was black as night;
During nuclear holocaust,
It soon turned into white.
TDS
Mary had a little lamb,
His wool was black as night;
It used to sing soprano,
Cos it's jeans were rather tight.
PDC
Mary had a little lamb,
It caused her lots of strife;
But a lamb is not just for Christmas,
A lamb is for life.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
She shaved it every day.
She did this as she found her husband
Liked it more this way.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
She knew just what to do;
She gave it paper and a pen,
Upon which it drew,
A picture of a pussy cat
And said "look this is mine"
And Mary said "bugger me, a talking sheep"
TDS & NWT
Mary had a little lamb,
Her man was from Llandudno;
She thought she knew him well enough,
Until she found the Velcro.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
That had a little tail.
Until she caught it smoking dope,
And locked it in the jail
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
But surely you must know that;
And if you really didn't,
You're a complete and utter prat.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
With carrots and with peas.
A little mint sauce on the top,
And stuffing in its knees.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
But didn't know what for;
She thought maybe for stopping draughts,
And shoved it under the door.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
She liked to stroke it's head.
Until one day she found her husband
Screwing it in her bed.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
But knew not whence it came;
She was feeling a little peckish,
Now the lamb is lame.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
she kept it at the bank;
In embalmed darkness,
pickled in a tank.
PE
Mary had a little lamb,
With big horns and sharp teeth,
When ot turned out to be the Devil,
It came as some relief.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb didn't, because Mary was an annoying bitch.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
So take a tip from me:
If it has fleas as white as snow,
Then use some DDT.
MG
Mary had a little lamb,
Which acted rather crazily;
But soon enough she found the fault,
She'd programmed it in C.
MG
Mary had a little lamb,
She didn't know what for;
So she stuck it on a handle,
And used it to mop the floor.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
It was short and sweet.
With seven ears and twenty mouths,
And forteen-thousand feet,
Mary had a deformed lamb,
But it could not be healed.
Coz Mary, in her innocence,
Lived next to Sellafield.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
Cause she couldn't find a man.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon;
2,000 volts went up it's tail,
and turned the wool to nylon.
PDC
Mary had a little lamb,
It made a horrid mess;
And when her mum came into clean,
She could not even guess.
TDS
Mary had a little lamb,
't was as beautiful as day.
Until the little lamb was captured
By the I.R.A.
CJ
And Mary had a second lamb,
Which she put with the other.
She left them alone through the night,
And one became a mother.
CJ
And Mary had a little lamb,
A sweet and harmless beast.
And Mary left it and it died,
But she didn't care in the least.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
It's life was such a doss;
She gave it half a joint one day,
And it couldn't give a toss.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
It had a few convulsions;
She tried out all the possible cures,
But then used jet-propulsion.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was sodden red;
The reason for it was you see,
It had a pick-axe through its head.
MKT
Mary had a little lamb,
And boy did the lamb enjoy it.
MKT
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was black as soot;
And every where that Mary went,
It's sooty foot it put.
NWT
Mary had a little lamb,
She thought it awfully quaint;
She didn't like the colour much,
So she covered it with paint.
NWT
Mary had a little pony,
She rode it to the town;
Where she bore a child,
Who was to wear a crown.
(does this sound familiar?)
TDS
Mary had a little lamb,
The lamb was very sick;
She thought this was just because,
He had not grown a dick.
TDS
Mary had a little lamb,
It created some division;
It was not what she'd expected,
And shocked the obstetrician.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
It was always in a hurry;
It slipped while crossing over the road,
And ended up as curry.
REG
Mary had a little lamb,
It had a touch of colic;
She gave it brandy twice a day,
And now it's alcoholic.
REG (The old one's are the best ???? - Ed)
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was all a quiver;
She drowned it slowly in a stream,
And sent it down the river.
NWT
Mary had a little lamb,
It used to cough all day;
So Mary took it too the vet,
Who blew it's head away.
PDC
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was ever so black;
She left it in a cave one day,
And never got it back.
PDC & PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece smelt rather rank;
Perhaps it was due to her husband,
Who used it when having a ..... (surely 'ride in his tank' ? - Ed)
NWT
Mary had a little lamb,
But one day it turned savage.
So she shot it in the head
And served it up with cabbage.
REG
Mary had a little lamb.
It ate out of her pocket.
Then NASA bought it from her
And sent it on a rocket.
REG
Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was very fuzzy
She'd tried to wire it up you see,
But it didn't work as SCSI.
REG
Mary had a little lamb
Which beat up all its brothers
Hence proving that some animals
Are more equal than others
MG
Mary had a little lamb;
She did Psychology.
The lamb bleated at her one day
And she was immediately requested to write a 1000-word report on the
origins and environmental basis of this spontaneous auditory response,
with particular attention to a possible reinforcer received during the
lamb's early life.
MG
Mary had a little lamb
She tied it to a tree
She whipped it hard, she whipped it long
It baa'd and baa'd with glee
GRM
Mary had a little lamb
It then became a goat
So she fattened it up for christmas
And slit it's goaty throat
RJP
Mary had a little lamb,
That sometimes got quite randy;
So it went into the local pub,
And asked for a hand shandy.
SDB
Mary had a little lamb,
So bright it was in MENSA
But it met a very sticky end
When fed through a Liebig condensor
REG
Mary had a little lamb,
She taught it how to fly.
Well how was Mary to have known
The little lamb would die.
She took it to a mountain top,
Where the ground was good and flat.
She pushed it off, and listened closely....
Yes, there came the "Splat".
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
It was short and squat;
Despite its ugliness and smell
She liked it quite a lot.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
She took it shopping in a trolly;
It ate too much, and didn`t pay,
So she impailed it on her brolly.
NWT
Mary has a little lamb,
It had the cutest hide;
But when she told it how she felt,
It commited suicide.
MA
Mary had a little lamb,
It's butt was awfully raw;
So she stuck it on the stove,
And it wasn't any more.
NWT
Mary had a greedy lamb,
It ate and ate all day;
Eventually she stopped it,
By poisoning the hay.
NWT
Mary had a new born lamb,
It's eyes were still closed;
Mary cuddled and nursed the creature;
So it could later be exposed.
TDS
Mary had a greedy lamb,
It 'ate' and 'ate' all day;
And when she tried to up and leave,
It tried to make her stay!
MA & NWT (PS this one IS rude!)
Mary had a head-ache,
And the lamb was feeling sad;
So it waited 'til she'd gone to sleep -
It said she wasn't bad.
NWT
Paul had a little lamb
One or two I guessed
Until I saw his cellar-full
And I deduced the rest
MA & NWT
(Please don't refer to the Compendium as my cellar; it's very confusing! Ed.)
Mary tried to train her lamb,
Rewarding it with hay;
She taught it lots of clever things,
But what I cannot say!
MA & NWT
Mary had a little lamb,
Two electrodes and a saw;
We used to see the lamb a lot,
But we don't see it any more.
NWT & MA
Mary had a little lamb,
She took it to the river;
She set its paws in concrete,
And it did more than shiver.
NWT & MA (Do sheep have PAWS ??? - Ed.)
Mary had a little lamb,
A budgie and a frog;
Then one day she cooked them all,
And fed them to the dog.
NWT
Mary had a little lamb,
She put it on all fours;
She was looking for the buttons,
But all she found was pause.
NWT
Mary had a rubber lamb,
Six battries and some jelly;
She read the manual front to back,
But still prefered the telly.
MA & NWT
Mary had a little lamb,
Some rubber gloves and oil;
She had her wicked way with it,
And covered him with foil -
She considered it protection,
But her fun was soon to spoil -
She found out she was pregnant,
She should have used a coil.
NWT & TDS & MA & PAL
Mary and her little lamb,
Made friends with Nigel Thorne;
But it didn't last that long, you see -
Something about little boys and porn.
MKT
Mary had a little lmab,
She also couldn't type;
Some say she rides like Sharon Stone,
.. But don't believe the hype.
MKT
Mary had a little lamb,
It was running low on luck;
Whenever someone sheared it's arse,
It couldn't give a fuck.
MKT
Mary had a little lamb,
She found it rather sweet;
It played all kinds of games with her,
Then died, abruptly, at her feet.
MKT
Mary had a little lamb
And now I've had enough
Of this stupid girl called Mary
And her wooly bit of fluff..
MKT
Mary had a little lamb,
Her fleece was white snow;
Quite how this is origional,
I really do not know.
TDS
Little lamb had Mary,
Just for a change.
TDS+MKT
Mary had a little lamb,
She called it Ronald Clump;
She used it to help clean herself,
When she'd had a dump.
NWT
Mary was had by a little lamb,
It must have seen her comeing.
NWT
Timmy had a little lamb,
He thought that he was Mary;
But as he was in the wrong rhyme,
He thought it quite contrary.
TDS & PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
So cute it was untrue;
And so all the other ugly lambs,
Stuck it down with glue.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
With a warped and twisted mind;
It used to sing and dance all night,
With a spike up its behind.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
Its wool was black and tangled.
She took it to a sheep shearer,
Where it got well and truly mangled.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
Just for fun, she said;
But she didn't half enjoy it,
When it climbed into her bed.
CJ
Have you noticed that most of the poems contributed are about sexual
acts between Mary and the lamb? I mean, what the fuck is wrong with
everyone? (and the rest of them are about Mary eating the lamb) - CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
She neither ate nor screwed it;
She did not boil or saute it,
She didn't cut or glue it.
Mary kept the lamb quite well,
In a little barn on a farm;
Out of the way of anyone,
Where it could not do any harm.
CJ
I've just worked out why Mary MUST fuck or eat (or both) the lamb. It's
piss boring otherwise. - CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
She screwed it for Michael Winner;
And afterwards, when they were tired,
They chopped it up for dinner.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
With an enormous chopper;
And everywhere that that lamb went,
They'd cry "Cor, what a whopper!".
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
It used to play with ducks;
Mary got quite worried, but
She thought that she should not discriminate against it just because of its
sexual preferences. After all, she'd screw anything with two or more (or
frequently less) legs, as long as it had the required components. And even
if he/she/it didn't, Mary was a very inventive girl.
CJ
Mary had a little lamb,
She thought it rather fetching;
Then she plied it with lots of booze,
And couldn't stop it wretching.
RJP
Mary stopped having little lambs,
Cos she'd had an operation;
This was a messy procedure,
Now sex is her only concelation.
TDS
Mary had a little lamb,
A giraffe and zebra too,
By the time she'd finished,
She'd fucked the whole damn zoo.
GRM
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* The Epilogue *
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Mary had a little lamb,
That gets me every time;
I can never work out what to say,
Or how to make it rhyme.
NWT & TDS
Mary had a little lamb,
Well what a bloody fuss;
Its not as if we really care,
So why the hell tell us.
PAL
Mary had a little lamb,
This rhyme is getting boring;
With all these crap variations,
Someone stop me snoring.
TDS
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* CONTRIBUTORS: *
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CJ Chris Jeans
PAL Paul A Lindfield
PE From 'Private Eye'
TDS Tim Saxton
PDC Peter Cox
MKT Mark Thompson
NWT Nigel Thorne
REG Richard George
MG Mark Green
GRM Graeme Maclean
RJP Rob Powell
SDB Steve Brinton
MA Merlyn Albery
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