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Date: Wed, 16 Mar 1994 12:41:32 -0800
From: "Howard H. Hsieh" [hhsieh@cory.EECS.Berkeley.EDU]
Message-Id: [199403162041.MAA17753@cory.EECS.Berkeley.EDU]
To: nathan@cco.caltech.edu
Status: R
Article 140356 of rec.humor:
Path: agate!cory.EECS.Berkeley.EDU!hhsieh
From: hhsieh@cory.EECS.Berkeley.EDU (Howard H. Hsieh)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: CANONICAL: Catalog of Quality Improvements 1.2
Followup-To: rec.humor.d
Date: 5 Mar 1994 23:04:42 GMT
Organization: University of California, at Berkeley
Lines: 258
Message-ID: [2lb36a$9cr@agate.berkeley.edu]
NNTP-Posting-Host: cory-138.eecs.berkeley.edu
Summary: Useless Inventions List
Keywords: Useless, Silly, Inventions, any questions?
***********************************
* Catalog of Quality Improvements *
* (aka: Useless Inventions List) *
***********************************
Version 1.2 [169 items] Last Updated: Mar. 5, 1994
Compiled by: asymes@nl.oracle.com (Andy Symes)
and hhsieh@cory.eecs.berkeley.edu (Howard Hsieh)
===============================================================================
INTRODUCTION
This is a collection of inventions society would probably be better off
without, but because these inventions could exist, we would like to warn
you about them before you sink any money into them.
This list started out as a brainstorm in March 1992 by me and my sister
Char, and was later introduced to rec.humor in January 1994, when Andy
posted an article titled "Useless Inventions" which called for some
wonderful ideas.
We would like to thank everyone who contributed to the list, including
the following people:
char@cardinal.stanford.edu (Charlotte Hsieh)
manish@neceng.coe.neu.edu (Manish Tandon)
a person named DOOM
s1719104@techst02.technion.ac.il
anello@adcs00.fnal.gov (Anthony Anello)
mg@ulysses.att.com (Murthy Gandikota)
the folks at rec.humor
===============================================================================
GUIDELINES
=1= The invention should be physically conceivable.
A tissue-paper chassis couldn't even hold itself up, let alone try to serve
as a chassis. Supernova-powered flashlights don't make any sense at all.
=2= The invention should attempt to improve on something or serve a purpose.
A mesh umbrella would allow people to see the sky, but a mesh raincoat
would be as useless as a concrete parachute.
=3= The invention is not an oxymoron.
Some items, such as Jumbo Shrimp, Military Intelligence, and Politicians that
tell the truth, fit more in the Canonical List of Oxymorons.
=4= Some inventions may seen useless at first but are actually quite useful.
They are not part of the main list. A few examples follow:
Blank CD-ROM - useful for testing
Braille Car Radio Dial - Braille user can be a passenger.
Buttonless mouse, for people with no arms - retina, oral activated
Clear sunglasses, for cloudy days - glasses that can change tint
Digital Computer - I'm sure the folks at Digital agree.
Helicopter Ejector Seats - Blades fire away from cockpit.
Non-Drowsy Sleeping Pills - Just knocks you out without drowsy effects
Portable Cable TV - If you can re-transmit, it can be portable
Trailer hitch for Compact Car - These things are *commonplace* in Europe.
Write Only RAM - /dev/null
There may be exceptions, but we had to draw the line somewhere.
===============================================================================
The following inventions do meet our quality standards. We hope to
bring you the latest in state-of-the-art antiques.
Please submit your updates to: hhsieh@cory.eecs.berkeley.edu
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PRODUCTS CREDITS AND/OR COMMENTS
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7-day or 10-day Federal Express Service
7-day waiting period (Brady Bill) for nuclear weapons
100% Goose Down T-Shirts
100% recyclable environmentally safe CHAINSAW
ABS for Bicycle
AC adapter for electric cars
AC adapter for solar calculators
Air Bag for Aircrafts
All-terrain roller blades
Anemometer waterproof to 200 Ft nstevens@starbase.demon.co.uk
Armpit-Scent Deodorant
Asprin Flavoured Non-asprin painkillers
Asprin Flavored Gum
Battery powered battery charger. umennis0@cc.umanitoba.ca
Battery powered nail clipper.
Battery powered nose hair clipper
Battery powered straw
Bifocal binoculars nstevens@starbase.demon.co.uk
Black Highlighter OK for censoring
Braille Drive-thru ATM's venkat@tinton.ccur.com
Braille Driver's Manual quaker@netcom.com
Braille Encoded Cam-corder mike@vishnu.eco.twg.com
Brake oil asymes@nl.oracle.com
Broom with bent handle For sweeping round corners
Bubble-less Champagne
Cabin pressure system for Cessna 150 mike@vishnu.eco.twg.com
Camouflage Billboards
Cast iron toilet paper (durable)
Cast iron wire derry@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu
Cat flap for the fridge.
Centre-zero speedometer (useful for reverse) totake@furball.eng.ua.edu
Cereal enriched with optical-fiber Helps you see better? :)
Checkered paint. schwarzm@cs.ucdavis.edu
Clapper-Operated Door Locks
Clapper-Operated Stage lights
Clear Correction Fluid
Clear High-lighter
Coin-Operated ATM's might exist some day (ick).
Compact Disc Rewinder kywwp@igc.apc.org
Compact Limo
Computer Mouse Trap
Cord-less Extension Cords transmit by radio, Steven Wright
Cord-less Pay Phone
Cord-less Plumb Line avk@hafnium.cchem.berkeley.edu
Cord-less Wire
Decaffeinated Vivarin
Dehydrated Water just add water
De-ionized Plasma
Deuterium (D2O) filter for kitchen faucet
Diet Celery (more negative calories)
Dim/Tinted High-Beams
Dolphin-Free Whaler Harpoons
Downhill Stair-Master
Dry Towelettes
Edible condoms
Ejector Basket for Hot Air Balloons cs9h3bbt@swan.pyr (b.tabrah)
Elastic accessories for "No Nonsense" (TM) Bra
Electric banana straightener red1@waikato.ac.nz
Electric kazoo felch@wam.umd.edu
Electricity Powered Generator
Fake Faux Pearl Necklace
Fake Rhinestones from Steven Wright list
Fireproof Matches
Fizzy milk bh@granby.demon.co.uk (Bruce Horrocks)
Flashbulb tester derry@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu
Foam rubber toothpicks for sensitive teeth derry@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu
Frictionless Sandpaper lecates@chopin.udel.edu
Frowning Smileys :( :)
Furry Toiletpaper for furry toilet seats - DOOM
Gasoline Powered Air Freshener
Gasoline Powered Calculator
Gasoline Powered Exercise Bike
Gasoline Powered Hearing Aid
Glow-in-the-dark India Ink
Glow-in-the-dark Soap
Glow-in-the-dark Sundial SSEXTON@delphi.com
Glow-in-the-dark Sunglasses
Glow-in-the-dark Suntan Lotion
Hair Dryer, Underwater cs93soh@brunel.ac.uk
Hair Dryer, Weatherproof dm11@akc.ac.uk
Hand Powered Chainsaw het3@crash.cts.com
Heated Refrigerator
Heavy Duty Bath Soap with Bleach oouch
Helium Paperweights would take a lot of helium though
Humane Ant Traps and Roach Motels
Humane fish hooks from the NY Times
Humane Torture Racks not the adult S/M type
Ice skate sandals for use in hot climates.
Imitation Cubic Zirconia
Imitation Puppets Hey, those aren't real!
Impact-Triggered Parachute dan.bastecki@filebank.cts.com
Inflatable Anchor imo@sonny (Immanuel O'Levy)
Inflatable Dart board for Camping
Insoluble Suppositories
Instant Dry Dry-Skin lotion
Left-handed Bacon Stretcher. cs9h3bbt@swan.pyr (b.tabrah)
Lighter powered Car Battery Charger russbre@wpi.edu (Brett Michael Russ)
Liver flavored Lollipops felch@wam.umd.edu
Low Salt Brine marcus@guitar.demon.co.uk
Low-calorie Power Bar avk@hafnium.cchem.berkeley.edu
Matte finish floor wax het3@crash.cts.com
Mesh Condom PBSAMPSO@CHEMISTRY.watstar.uwaterloo.ca
Mesh Umbrella Wind won't catch it
Monitor-wristrest computer combo hct@lems1d.cs.brown.edu
Motorcycle Air Bag mwp@cure.att.com (Michael Phillips)
Motorcycle Air Conditioner for the rider?
Motorcycle Ashtrays Sean Clark (smc@muppet.bt.co.uk)
Motorcycle Cup Holders
Motorcycle Windshield Wipers Helmets with wipers might work
Motorcycle Seat Belts
Nintendo Monitors, Printers
No-fault earthquake insurance reid@ucs.indiana.edu (Frank Reid)
No grit sandpaper het3@crash.cts.com
Non-Alcoholic Everclear
Non-drip cooking oil Steve L
Non-toxic Chemical Weapons safe for the launcher not target
Nuclear Powered Radiation Detector
One way round trip tickets (Steven Wright)
Open-tipped condoms (for greater sensitivity)
Polite Car Alarm (that reads Miranda rights in English)
Pollution-free detergent
Portable Dishwasher
Precision zero volt reference kurts@sad.hp.com (Kurt Strain)
Press-On Nail Top computer (Intel(TM) Inside!)
Radar Detector for Runners/Joggers
Remote Controlled Exercise Bike
Remote Controlled Remote Control (Steven Wright)
Re-usable tampon (yuck!) asymes@nl.oracle.com
Screen Doors for Airplanes (feel the breeze)
Screen Doors for Space Shuttle (feel the vacuum)
Screen Doors for Submarines
Second-hand fireworks. schwarzm@cs.ucdavis.edu
See-through Blinds ian@acclaim.visix.com (Ian Falicov)
See-through yashmaks.
Serial bus hard drive v20011@dax.cc.uakron.edu
Shopping Carts for Homeless from Rush
Silly Putty! 'NUFF SAID!
Snow Tires for Bicycle
Solar Powered Flashlight good if stores power
Solar Powered Pacemaker
Solar Powered Tanning Bed ok if UV safe
Solar Powered Torch (no batteries) B.R.Bourner-SE1@cs.bham.ac.uk
Soundproof Speakers
Steel-Belted Radial rubber bands (don't you hate it when they break?)
Strap-on portable chairs
Sugar Coated Toothpaste
Superconducting insulator v9d192@ugrad.cs.ubc.ca (Who?)
Super-glue Post-it Notes
Toasted Popsicles
Toupee/Wig with a chinstrap so it doesn't blow away - DOOM
Training Wheels for Sports Cars
Unbreakable Pinata save them for next year
Umbrellas with Sun Roofs
Unscented Perfume
Velvet Raincoats
Virtual reality bathing/showering
Virtual reality fishing
Water: freeze-dried, instant, diet
Waterproof Powder
Waterproof Sponge
Waterproof Tampons
Waterproof Tea Bags red1@waikato.ac.nz
Waterproof Toilet Paper
Waterproof Towel
Wax Flowers for Outdoor use
Windscreen-wiper warning light imo@medphys.ucl.ac.uk
Wind-up radio or tv
World's Largest Microchip marka@amber.ssd.csd.harris.com
XL bicycle clips, for cycling in shorts Frank Muir
_______________________________________________________________________________
Andy Symes
Developer, Oracle Europe Technology Division | Phone: +31-3406-94211
Rijnzathe 6, |
3454PV De Meern, The Netherlands | Email: asymes@nl.oracle.com
_______________________________________________________________________________
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/ /oward / /sieh :) :) :)
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:) :) (: (:
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:) Oo\
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