Article 170125 of rec.humor:
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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Subject: Life 2.A
Message-ID: [cate3D4Gnqp.Ey6@netcom.com]
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 16:13:37 GMT
Lines: 443
Sender: cate3@netcom14.netcom.com
Date: 31 Aug 87 10:16:19 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 2.A
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There is a new play at a small theater in W. Hollywood. They have a small
brochure advertising the play (The name of the play is "Circle of Will")
. Where they have reproduced the reviews from several newspapers (the LA
Times, the Herald Examiner etc.) The last of these reviews reads:
*"FANTASTIC!"*
"If I had known my life was so funny. I'd have lived longer and written
this play myself."
William Shakespeare
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Angelo Spagnola of Fayette City, Pennyslvania, earns the dubious distinction
of being named the worst avid golfer in America by GOLF DIGEST. In a playoff
of the countries four worst golfers, the 31-year-old grocery store manager
shoot an incredible 257 for 18 holes. He clinches the title by shooting
66 on the 17th hole.
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By R. J. Heathorn (* PUNCH, May 9, 1962)
A new aid to rapid--almost magical--learning has made its appearance. Indications
are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will be so much junk.
The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers
generally call it by its initials, BOOK.
Many advantages are claimed over the old-style learning and teaching aids
on which most people are brought up nowadays. It has no wires, no electric
circuit to break down. No connection is needed to an electricity power point.
It is made entirely without mechanical parts to go wrong or need replacement.
Anyone can use BOOK, even children, and it fits comfortably into the hands.
It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire.
How does this revoluntionary, unbelievably easy invention work? Basically
BOOK consists only of a large number of paper sheets. These may run to hundreds
where BOOK covers a lengthy programme of information. Each sheet bears a
number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order.
To make it even easier for the user to keep the sheets in the proper order
they are held firmly in place by a special locking device called a "binding".
Each sheet of paper presents the user with an information sequence in the
form of symbols, which he absorbs optically for automatic registration on
the brain. When one sheet has been assimilated a flick of the finger turns
it over and further information is found on the other side.
By using both sides of each sheet in this way a great economy is effected,
thus reducing both the size and cost of BOOK. No buttons need to be pressed
to move from one sheet to another, to open or close BOOK, or to start it working.
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. Instantly
it is ready for use. Nothing has to be connected up or switched on. The user
may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases.
A sheet is provided near the beginnning as a location finder for any required
information sequence.
A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is the BOOKmark. This
enables the user to pick up his programme where he left off on the previous
learning session. BOOKmark is versatile and may be used in any BOOK.
The initial cost varies with the size and subject matter. Already a vast
range of BOOKs is available, covering every conceivable subject and adjusted
to different levels of aptitude. One BOOK, small enough to be held in the
hands, may contain an entire learning schedule.
Once purchased, BOOK requires no further upkeep cost; no batteries or wires
are needed, since the motive power, thanks to an ingenious device patented
by the makers, is supplied by the brain of the user.
BOOKs may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference the programme
schedule is normally indicated on the back of the binding.
Altogether the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge seems to have great advantages
with no drawbacks. We predict a big future for it.
--------------------------------
A Boss' response:
BOOK* does not, in spite of the claims, seem "to have great advantages with no
drawbacks". Soon, it probably won't even be legal. Consider:
"It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire." Being paper, it
might burn in the fire. Probably fire laws in most locations wouldn't allow its
use there. Worse, such a device, which encourages close proximity of the user
to fire, will be outlawed by OSHA's request.
"Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the
wrong order." How quaint; to think that the programmer (author) would be
allowed to turn over such an important task to the user! "cannot" is clearly
misuse; any user could incorrectly turn to the wrong page. A proper user
interface might correct that, of course, such as requiring that each sheet be torn
off to expose the next. This is a clear conflict with "The user may turn at will to
any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases." and "BOOKs may be
stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference". The user interface obviously
needs more work before such a system can be practical.
"the motive power -- is supplied by the brain of the user". Clearly, the
inventors have not examined recent trends. No serious person would suggest
even expecting a "user" to have a brain present, much less to use it so
continuously.
I'd suggest the inventors return to their consoles and do a thorough associative
search of various data banks, like the rest of us, and forget this nonsense.
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This is related by a recent emigre from the USSR, according to
a recent issue of "World Press Review":
One colllld winter, a rumor went around that a certain butcher shop
would have meat for sale the next day. By very early the next morning, a
long queue had formed outside of the butcher shop.
At 8 o'clock an official came out briefly and announced, "Well, comrades,
I'm afraid there's not enough meat for everybody here. Would all of the
Jews leave?"
They did, and the line was shortened somewhat.
At 11 o'clock the official came out again and announced, "Well,
comrades, I'm afraid there's still not enough meat for all. Would all of
the non-party members please leave?"
They did, and the line was shortened again.
At 2 o'clock, the official came out again. "There's still not enough
meat for all of you! Would all those who did not defend our great country
from the fascist German intruder leave?"
Once again, the line was considerably shortened.
At 5 o'clock, the official announcement was, "There's still not enough!
Would all those who did not participate in the liberation of our people
from the terrors of the Czar leave!"
This included just about everybody.
Finally, at 8 o'clock in the evening, the official came out again.
The only people left in line wev%three half-frozen old men. He told them,
"There isn't any meat."
The old men moved slowly away, grumbling among themselves -
"Those Jews get the best of everything!!"
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I have had a remarkable variety of reactions to the following joke that was
printed in the July issue of the American Airlines magazine, "American Way."
"In the best of all possible worlds, a businessman would have a Chinese cook,
live in an English house, make an American salary, and be married to a
Japanese wife. And the absolute worst situation a man could find himself in?
Eating English food, in a Japanese house, on a Chinese salary, with an
American wife."
A joke making the rounds of Peking officialdom
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Bumper Sticker:
If all else fails
read the instructions
(The Bible)
Prepare for your FINALS
Read the Bible
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Another example of Fashion Victimization is this trend toward
paying good money for pre-scuzzed ratty-looking garments that earlier,
less fashion-conscious generations such as your mother's would have
used to wipe the toilet tank.
I was in a fashion store the other day, and they were selling
blue jeans $55 a pair, which would not be unusual, except that these
jeans had HOLES in them. On PURPOSE. They are imported from Italy,
where a person is PAID to put holes in them. They are called
"destroyed" jeans, and they are part of a raging international trend
toward a leisure-wear "look" that was previously available only
to the rural poor.
The question is: Why not take the next logical step? Why not
prerub dirt into shirt collars? Why not hand-paste flakes of designer
dandruff onto jackets? Why not SET FIRE to the jeans, right at the
factory, and simply sell, for $55 each, wallet-sized certificates
stating that a pair of jeans had been hand-destroyed in the bearer's
name?
ridiculous, you say? You're right. Your true Fashion Victim
would pay a LOT more than $55 for such a certificate.
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Musical Comedy:
Radio Stations WQXR-AM & -FM in NY distributed a flyer listing the following
quotes from grade-school essays on classical music:
Refrain means don't do it. In music it's the part you better not sing.
Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was rather large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.
Henry Purcell is a well-known composer few people have heard of.
Aaron Copland is a contemporary composer. It is unusual to be contemporary.
Most composers do not live until they are dead.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
I know what a sextet is, but I'd rather not say.
Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he
would go a long way. And so he came to America.
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Quotable Quotes from Reader's Digest, April 1987:
Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.
One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
Cultivate the habit of early rising. It is unwise to keep the head long
on a level with the feet.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
If the human brain were so siimple that we could understand it, we would
be so simple that we couldn't.
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
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HOW MANY LETTERS ARE THERE IN THE ALPHABET ????
Noel, noel, noel, noel ..................the angels did say.....
E.T. went home.
Get rid of X. There's too many unknowns in the world already!
(Only one vowel left, or is that "Anly ana vawal laft" This may be stretching
it a bit, but not unless you consider, as our good friends in Canada say:
Good day, A!
And we all know that M&Ms melt in your mouth, so it's safe to count them out.
And of course, Y not.
We might as well put off using U until later in the year:
See U in September
TWA just took off!!
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Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude
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"One size fits all."
Just who is this "all" person anyway,
and why is he wearing my clothes?
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Then Nicholl, using his own calculations, demonstrated that it was
absolutely impossible to give any object at all the velocity of
12,000 yards per second. And, algebra in hand, he maintained that
even if such a velocity could be attained, such a heavy projectile
could never be lifted beyond the limits of the Earth's atmosphere!
It would never reach even an altitude of twenty miles. And
furthermore! Even if such a speed could be attained, even if it
would suffice, the shell could not withstand the pressure of the
gases produced by igniting 1,600,000 pounds of powder. And even if
it could resist the pressure, it could not withstand the
temperature, it would melt as it left the Columbiad, and a red-hot
rain would fall on the heads of the foolish spectators.
Barbicane did not even wince at these attacks; he simply got on
with his work.
-- Jules Verne, From the Earth to the Moon (1865)
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PHONE COMPANY GIVES SOMETHING FOR NOTHING
Dear Ann,
I think I can top the person who wrote complaining about the idiocy of the
phone company. Talk about garbage in, garbage out!
When AT&T split with Bell, we had three phones in our house. The equipment
belonged to Ma Bell and the service belonged to AT&T. After we returned all
the phone equipment to Ma Bell, we received a bill for $0.00. A few weeks
later, we received a check for $5 and a note thanking us. Several months
later, we received another computerized bill for $0.00. We called again,
got nowhere, so we sent another check for $0.00. A few weeks later we
received another $5 refund with the same thank you.
This went on every three months for two years. Now we are down to once a
year and have given up trying to straighten this out. We just cash the $5
and forget about it.
-- Linda K. R. in California
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When the Ark had come to rest on Mt. Ararat, Noah said to the
animals, "Go then forth, all ye creatures, and multiply."
All the animals went forth, except for two snakes.
Noah said to the snakes, "Did I not command you in the name
of the Lord to go forth and multiply? Why then have you not obeyed?"
The snakes replied, "Behold, we are adders, and cannot multiply."
(Pause for substantial quantities of groaning at such an old chestnut.)
Then Noah sent forth his sons from the Ark, bidding them to
seek and hew a mighty tree. The sons of Noah returned,
bearing with them the trunk of a great tree. Then did Noah
bid his sons to strike the tree into pieces, and make
therefrom a great table of wood.
Noah then said unto the snakes, "Behold where my sons have made
for you a table of logs, wherewith you now can multiply, being adders!"
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"The law, in all its majestic equality, forbids both rich and poor to sleep
in the streets, to beg for money, and to steal bread."
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How you can spot a Canadian, eh?
-Don McGillivray (Ottawa columnist for Southam Newspapers)
How do you tell a Canadian from an American?
It used to be enough to ask him to say the alphabet. When the Canadian
got to the end, he'd say "zed" instead of "zee". But 18 years of
Sesame Street have taught a lot of Canadian kids to say "zee," and it's
starting to sound as natural as it does south of the 49th parallel.
Another test used to be the word "lieutenant". Canadians pronounced
it in the British was, "leftenant", while Americans say "lootenant".
But American cop shows and army shows and movies have eroded that
difference, too.
Canadians have been adopting American spelling as well. They used to
put a "u" in words like labour. The main organization in the country,
the equivalent of the AFL-CIO, is still officially called the Canadian
Labour Congress. But news organizations have been wiping out that
distinction by adopting American spelling, mostly to make it easier
to use news copy from such agencies as Associated Press without a lot
of changes. So it's "Canadian Labor Congress" when the Canadian Press,
the national news agency, writes about it.
Some pronunciations, considered true tests of Canadians, are not as
reliable as they're thought. Take the word "house" for example. When
some Canadians say it, it sounds very Scottish in American ears.
Visiting Americans trying to reproduce what they hear usually give
the Canadian pronunciation as "hoose".
The same for "out" and "about". The way some Canadians say them
sounds like "oot" and "aboot" to many Americans. And when an
American says "house" to a Canadian, the Canadian often hears a
bit of an "ay" in it, something like "hayouse".
But pronunctiaiton isn't a good test because people from different
parts of Canada speak differently. A resident of the Western province
of Alberta, where there has been a considerable inflow of settlers
from the United States, may sound like a Montanan or a Dakotan.
Then there's the ubiquitous Canadian expression "eh?" - pronounced "ay?"
This is a better test because many Canadians tack it on to the end of
every assertion to turn it into a question.
An American will say, "Hot day!" A Canadian will say, "Hot day,eh?"
meaning "It's a hot day, isn't it?"
This is something deeper than spelling or pronunciation. It goes to
the heart of the less-assertive Canadian character. The United States
was born when Americans revolted against King George III and asserted
their independence. Canada never came to a similar point of self-
assertion and that little word "eh?" is their refusal even to assert
that it's a hot day without inviting somebody else to verify it.
One definition of a Candian is "a North American who refuses to join
the revolution".
Another way to tell the difference between a Canadian and an American
is to invite the suspected Canuck to lunch and watch him eat. If he's
really upper crust, he'll eat like an Englishman, with knife and fork
held firmly in his right and left hands. He'll cut with his knife,
pack the results on the back of his fork and convey the food to his
mouth with the fork still in this left hand.
Many an American eats with knife and fork, too, but in a different
way. He takes the knife in his right hand and the fork in his left
to cut up the food. Then he puts the knife down and takes the fork
in the right hand to convey the food to his mouth.
A common garden-variety Canadian does the job differently. He doesn't
use his knife at all, except for particularly stubborn steaks and
other such tough foods. Instead he takes the fork in his right hand
and leaves the knife beside his plate. Then he cuts the food with the
edge of the fork and feeds himself with the fork held in the same hand.
But suppose all these tests are inconclusive. There's one more, rather
dangerous, way to tell a Canadian from an American. Just remark to the
suspect that Canadians and Americans are so much alike that it's hard
to tell one from the other. If the person involved is an American,
he'll probably agree.
But if he's a Canadian he'll let you know, in no uncertain terms, that
you're wrong. And that stubborn sense of difference is one main reason
why the two countries, despite similarities, remain separate.
(I'm pretty sure I agree with the last statement, but I'm not too
sure if I like being called a wimp that doesn't even dare to assert
that it's a hot day. (Which it is today.) And I'm tremendously
relieved to know that I'm upper crust when it comes to eating. -KO)
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--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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