Article 172537 of rec.humor:
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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Subject: Life 2.E
Message-ID: [cate3D573Cq.5y8@netcom.com]
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Date: Thu, 9 Mar 1995 22:48:25 GMT
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Sender: cate3@netcom11.netcom.com
Date: 10 Sep 87 14:40:05 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life 2.E
Heard from the MacIntosh Distribution List (DL)
I love Xerox technology...that is why I bought a Machintosh.
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From an article in Datamation, 15 Aug 1987 entitled "Why Software Prototyping Works."
"Abstraction helps humans make sense of very complex systems by reducing
them to a simplifed form."
Let's see, the last time I was in simplified form I ....
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An avid hunter had recently undergone a conversion experience. He also had
a big hunting trip to Alaska scheduled, and decided to go ahead with the
trip. He was standing near a ledge halfway up a mountain, when the Lord
spoke to him: "Do you really think you should be out here killing my creatures
just for sport?"
Well, he thought about it and decided that he must give up hunting, and to
make it final he threw his rifle over the cliff he was standing by. He really
felt great; his conscience was clean -- then he heard a growl. The former
hunter turned around to find himself trapped between the cliff and a giant black bear.
"What do I do now Lord?", he asked. Shaking with fear, he prayed, "God,
please make this bear a Christian!" Suddenly, the bear knelt down and crossed
himself! Then the bear said, "Bless us o Lord, for these thy gifts which
we are about to receive ..."
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Gearing up for extraterrestial friendships or, how to love almost anything:
Today's mail brought an invitation to the Sixth International Conference
on Entity-Relationship Approach.
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On Saturday last, I had dinner at a local Chinese restaurant. My fortune read:
"You will gain admiration from your pears."
Comice? Bartlett? Canned? I don't grow or eat them,anyway.
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And this was being passed around at Xerox:
I recieved a flyer yesterday advertising a workshop on INNOVATIVE management,
qualifying itself with the following quote from someone who clearly knows
something about technology I don't:
"It is a tragedy in our society that we have so few innovators, and so many copiers."
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"If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws."
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"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
-- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. patent office, 1899
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When an elderly and distinguished scientist says that something
is possible, he is very probably right. When he says that
something is impossible, he is quite possibly wrong.
Clarke's Law
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There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
what you're talking about.
--- John von Neumann
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New Freeway Signs
12 gauge and over use TRUCK ROUTE
RELOADERS use right lane
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If you have tried to pick up or drop off passengers at Los Angeles International
Airport, this should be familiar to you.
The white zone is for loading and unloading of guns only ... no shooting.
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The firm hired the mathematician and put gave him his first assignment.
"We need this in a hurry!!!" Three days later they still hadn't seen
any results so they asked their new math whiz how he was coming.
He replied" Well, i haven't found the solution yet but I've proven that
one exists and it is unique."
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Don't go away mad...
Just go away!
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I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747. I said "Hi Jack." He shot me.
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If you can't convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S Truman
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Why is it that we park in driveways and drive on parkways?
or
Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck caries shipments?
Ah me...
ACHE (Atlanta Center for Humorous Expression)
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Vini, Vici, Hacki
I came, I saw, I hacked
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DAILY NEWS, September 7:
One in two Californians believes that people are less honest today than they
were 10 years ago, according to a statewide poll released today. What's
more, many of those surveyed for the latest California poll admitted to committing
dishonest acts, according to pollster Mervin Field, but Field thinks that
some of those people may have been lying.
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I recently attended a lecture by Alvy Ray Smith , of Lucasfilm/Pixar. (ever
notice how VIPs want us to know their middle names?) Anyway, he was talking
about the old days at New York Institute of Technology, where heavy computer
animation first took place. The guy who founded NYIT (I cant remember his
name) made this statement with regard to their intentions to lower computation time:
"We are going to speed up time, and eventually delete it"
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[Advertisement in /Hollywood Daily Variety/, reprinted as a filler in /The New Yorker/]
If your housekeeper is deported who will clean up after the kids?
- Ron Burns, Immigration Attorney
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"Friends come & go, but enemies accumulate."
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Column-filler from the 9/8/87 New Yorker.
"CONSTABULARY NOTES FROM ALL OVER
[From the Sheriff's Report in the Millerton (N.Y.) News]
Deputy Cahill investigated a criminal mischief report at the
Ruth Ward residence ... on June 27 at 9:21 a.m. According
to deputites, Ward said that sometime during the night
unknown persons put a large amount of mashed potatoes on top
of her parked car."
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Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been
married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each
time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue
would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."
The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so
he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's atleast
watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob
started an arguement. The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to
they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and
if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you
pay ten dollars.
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could.
Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of
the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat
and went back the air port.
"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
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Out in the old rest, in a dingy, two bit town, there was a bar, built
of a few pieces of wood, and a couple sheets. A dog came in one hot dusty
afternoon and asked for a beer. After the bartender got over his surprise,
he yelled "Get out of here, we don't serve your kind."
"Not till I get some rye."
"Get out of here now!"
"No way, I want my drink."
The bartender pulled out a rifle and shot the dog in the leg. The dog
limbed out, bleeding all over the place.
A couple days later the door swings open, there's the dog, dress in
a black vest, a big ten gallon hat, and two pearl handled pistels.
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
----------------------------------------------------
This is not exactly a joke, but it is about a joke and it also answers a
question someone asked earlier this week. This is from the Morning Report
column in the Calendar section of today's LA Times:
A New York dentist wants $5 million yanked away from Johnny Carson for badmouthing
the trade by comparing them to the Gestapo on an April, 1986, "Tonight Show."
In papers filed recently in N. Y. Supreme Court in Manhattan, Dr. Michael
Mendelson said Carson hit a nerve when he mentioned a report about flouride
putting dentists out of business, adding, "I haven't been so happy about
a group disbanding since the Gestapo." Mendelsohn wrote Carson: "To compare
this same group of doctors to a gang of sadistic and bigoted thugs is ludicrous"
and demanded a "smirk-free apology." Carson read the letter on the air,
adding "Lighten up, Michael Mendelson, DDS."
On second thought, I guess I would call it a joke.
----------------------------------------------------
Thought For The Day: A special towel for a special need?
(From Consumer Reports magazine)
A special towel for a special need?
Proctor & Gamble's "Bounty Microwave" (paper towel) is one of those products
that solves a problem you didn't know you had. Ever since microwave ovens
caught on, people have used paper towels to cook in them. Paper towels keep
foods such as bacon or sausage from making a mess of the oven interior; the
towels also help keep bread and rolls from drying out or getting soggy when they're warmed.
"Bounty Microwave", though it claims to be a towel for all tasks, is cagily
named to make you think it's somehow special and therefore better than other
brands for microwave cooking. But there's only one meaningful difference
we could find between the two types of "Bounty": We paid a bit more for
the microwave version.
Proctor & Gamble claims that "Bounty Microwave" contains no artifical colors.
In other words, it's white. In our opinion, any white paper towel should
work in a microwave oven.
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Excerpts from the front page of the San Jose Mercury News today.
Sculley, Jobs plotted to take over Xerox
John Sculley and Steven Jobs, giddy with enthusiasm and flush with confidence,
plotted in mid-1984 for Apple Computer Inc. to take over Xerox Corp., according
to a manuscript of a forthcoming book by Sculley. In scheming to acquire
a company six times Apple's size, Sculley and Jobs were doing what they knew
best: to think big, to defy the odds, to go for broke . . .
Rather than just make marketing alliances with large companies, as they had
done with GE, Sculley thought, Apple ought to actually buy other companies
outright. Not small companies, as Jobs suggested. Big companies.
"We're not thinking big enough," he told Jobs. "Maybe we should expand our
band width (sic) and think if there's a company out there that could really
help us take advantage of this technology. The obvious one to me is Xerox."
The idea itself was intoxicating. Jobs and Sculley bounced the prospect
off former Xerox computer scientist Bob Belleville and then took it to Al
Eisenstat, Apple's in-house general counsel . . .
The Xerox gamble fizzled, though, not because of Eisenstat but - in part
- because of Jobs. Just as Jobs' impetuous behavior eventually cost him
is place at Apple, it got the better of him during earlier talks with Xerox
executives . . .
. . . [Sculley] recalls saying to Jobs: "I know you don't admire Xerox as
a company because it hasn't been able to commercialize its computer products
very well. But let's just go in [to a meeting with Xerox executives] and
listen and keep our minds as open as possible. Let's demonstrate to them
that we're really mature people."
Although Sculley remembers Jobs promising to "behave," he claims the chairman
[Jobs] began to attack Xerox almost immediately, proclaiming, "I really shouldn't
say this, but I'm going to say it. You guys don't have any idea of what you're doing."
That sour moment alone may have been enought to make any Apple-Xerox marriage tricky . . .
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I got aquainted with a young widow, observes a writer, who lived with
her step-daughter in the same house. I married that widow. Shortly afterward,
my father fell in love with the step-daughter and married her. My wife became
the mother-in-law and also the daughter-in-law of my own father, and my wife's
step-daughter is my step-mother. My father's wife has a boy, who is naturally
my step-brother because he is the son of my father and of my step-mother,
but because he is the son of my wife's step-daughter, my wife is the grandmother
of the little boy, and I am the grandfather of my step-brother. My wife
also has a boy. My step-mother is consequently the step-sister of my boy,
and also his grandmother because he is the child of her step-son; and my
father is the brother-in-law of my son because he has his own step-sister
for a wife. I am the brother-in-law of my mother; my wife is the aunt of
her own son; my son is the grandson of my father; and I am my own grandfather!!!
ACHE (Atlanta Center for Humorous Expression)
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DOES WHOEVER DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS WIN?
By Lindsy Van Gelder
Until my friend Richard installed his hard disk, he had regarded me as
a guru; I was first on my block to own a PC back in early 1982; I had
initiated Richard and other friends into the mysteries of DOS and helped
them put their hardware on speaking terms with their software. But now
suddenly it was Richard who was prattling on about "paths" and "trees",
sneering at access times of more than a millisecond, and saying that he
would rather swim in a suit of armor than go back to floppy disks.
I felt digitally dowdy.
"But I don't ¬need¬ 40 megabytes," I explained. "I write magazine
articles, not corporate mailing lists. It takes me ¬months¬ to fill up a
floppy!"
Richard just kept looking superior. It was a look I was to get
familiar with, as others of my former band of rapt pupils began to pluck
down cash for AT closes, extended memory, EGA boards, laser printers and
2400-baud modems. And while some of them unquestionably ¬needed¬ this
stuff to run their businesses, a lot of them seemed to be buying it
simply because it was there.
I'm thinking particularly of the friend who bought a new Mac SE with
20-megabyte hard disk to store his recipes, but there were plenty of less
extreme cases. I think we have an epidemic on our hands; a culturally
transmitted disease that I'll call hypertechnology. Its major symptom is
a fascination with the cutting edge, even among those who are likely to
get cut to shreds on it.
Lest you think this is all sour grapes, listen to Dr. Harold E.
Berson, a New York psychiatrist whose clientele includes many bright,
successful people who are hypertechnology victims. According to Berson,
they're a subgenre of the "compulsive, Type A personality. They have
very high standards, and they want to function on a very high level.
Computers fill all those needs--in another era, these people might have
bought a new Mercedes every year. Now, they upgrade!" They are on a
space-age treadmill, says Dr. Berson, because "the technology changes so
fast that they'll never be satisfied. It's a losing game of
one-upmanship." (I won't even go into what Dr. Berson had to say about
the real meaning of Throughput Envy.)
New York technical consultant Jim Kolman, who describes himself as a
troubleshooter, sees entire corporations infected with hypertechnology.
"Usually by the time a business comes to me, it's already been ripped off
by somebody else," says Kolman. "These days vendors are selling
computers on the basis of superstition, not reality. I've seen people
who thought they needed a 3-megabyte AT to run WordPerfect."
What irks Kolman most is the waste. "Before the industry explores one
technology, it's moving on to the next. These guys don't have to build a
better mousetrap; all they have to do is change the cheese."
As a public service, I'm presenting here, for the first time, the
Seven Warning Signs of Hypertechnology:
1. When you read about new generations of computers, do you look at your
computer and see a Model T Ford? Have you ever fantasized about
owning a laptop Cray?
2. Have you, on more than one occasion, had to buy a piece of hardware or
software solely to support some other piece of hardware or software
that didn't work?
3. Do you lust to put the records for your entire business on a machine
with a chip for which no math coprocessor yet exists?
4. Do you suffer from high baud pressure? Have you bought a 2400-baud
modem for the express purpose of "saving connect-time dollars," only
to find that you use it mostly to chat with your friends on the CB
simulator?
5. Do you feel it's reasonable to use a streaming tape unit to back up
the three letters you wrote today?
6. Have you thought of installing a local area network at home so that
you and your kids can play LodeRunner?
7. Do you think it would be nice to have a computer with 256 function
keys?
If you answered *yes* more than once, consider yourself a hypertechnology
victim. Spend the weekend locked in a small room with a 128K PCjr with
one disk drive, and don't come out until you find at least half a dozen
worthwhile things you can do with it.
You know who you are.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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