Article 173399 of rec.humor:
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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Subject: Life 2.G
Message-ID: [cate3D5LBDF.4Go@netcom.com]
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Date: Fri, 17 Mar 1995 15:08:03 GMT
Lines: 443
Sender: cate3@netcom17.netcom.com
Date: 13 Oct 87 15:50:55 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life 2.G
----------------------------------------------------
I see huggable Worf (The Klingon) dolls in the stores by Christams!
----------------------------------------------------
A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing out the
various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
"Oh, you don't wan to look down there. That's hell!"
The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green valleys,
verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad," he says.
Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down.
"Dang!" he snaps, "Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"
----------------------------------------------------
On Sept. 28, a production B-1 Bomber crashed. The cause: a flock of birds.
The obvious question is, why not devote some of the billions of dollars
being spent on national defense to build bird farms?
The Army could fence up thousands of birds in selected locations, and release
them if enemy planes were detected.
This would be called the "Strategic Fence Initiative".
----------------------------------------------------
The following appeared on the back page of one of Australia's more outrageous
computer publications, "Computing Australia", 21st Sept 1987:
... Blame it on the computer.
An unfriendly computer has been held responsible for a "potentially lethal
error" involving a Mafia loan collector.
A New York paper inadvertently put the `heavy' in the running for a pair of
custom-fitted concrete shoes when it identified him as a "ruthless informer".
According to a published retraction (and apology!), a writer on the paper had
actually typed "ruthless enforcer" - but the computer system's spelling
checker liked it the other way.
And I thought the worst you could expect from a "computer error" was a bill
for a million dollars!
----------------------------------------------------
After a long discussion about giving out phone numbers to store clerks, the
following comment was made:
-------------------------
Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why
merchants take my phone number on a credit card charge. What these fail
to address, however, is that if I'm perpetrating a fraud in the use of
this credit card, I'm not about to give out a correct phone number.
They make no effort to validate the phone number before I leave, so what
they're doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest
people.
Now then...Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of
honest people?
-------------------------
and:
-------------------------
I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your
charge cards. The clerk explained that theives have been caught because
they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of
the person who "owned" the card.
----------------------------------------------------
From the Chicago Tribune via the October issue of Road & Track...
"I just had a few other things to attend to and I just let them slip my mind."
This from William P. Holcomb, whose job is to supervise the tracking down
of Houston, Texas parking ticket scofflaws - after it was revealed that he
had 375 unpaid tickets.
----------------------------------------------------
Animals in the news:
LOS ANGELES TIMES, October 8:
People of northwestern Montana have been advised to be on the lookout for
drunken bears. Black bears and grizzlies have been congregating along the
tracks of the Burlington Northern railroad tracks, where a train carrying
hundreds of tons of corn derailed some time ago. The corn has fermented,
and the aroma is attracting the bears. "The bears are actually intoxicated
up there," said wildlife biologist Loren Hicks. And a grizzly with a hangover
can be cross as a bear.
One of the passengers in a Soviet spacecraft is fooling around with the equipment,
and his monkeyshines may end the flight prematurely. The passenger is in
fact a monkey named Yarosha -- Russian slang for village troublemaker. Evidently
bored on the fifth day of a scheduled 12-day flight, Yarosha slipped out
of his harness and took a tour of the spacecraft. Tass, the Soviet news
agency, reported that Yarosha was having a delightful time tampering with
all of the equipment within reach. Watch out, Yarosha; if you break something,
they'll probably dock your flight pay.
----------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you have when you have four attorneys buried in sand up to their necks.
A. Not enough sand.
----------------------------------------------------
A reply to a posting on Star Trek: The Next Generation:
]2) Defrost Kelly was great - we enjoyed his cameo appearence. It was funny
ญญญญญญญ
To quote James Doohan (and yes, he really did say this at a con I attended
several years ago):
"Defrost Kelly!?! That'd be inhuman!!!"
The man's name is Deforest (give or take an r), NOT "defrost"!!
----------------------------------------------------
I got a call yesterday from your typical sales rep. Actually, she wasn't
so typical...
TELEPHONE: RING!
ME [picking up phone]: Hello?
SALES REP: Hello. I represent such-and-such a company. We make products
for children and --
ME: Excuse me.
SALES REP: Yes?
ME: I don't have any children.
SALES REP: Do you have any grandchildren, then?
I gave up at that point...
----------------------------------------------------
bumper sticker:
MY WIFE'S OTHER
CAR IS A BROOM
----------------------------------------------------
After three earthquakes and a record breaking heat wave, the climate in California
this week is: SHAKE AND BAKE
----------------------------------------------------
The city of Whittier, California was founded many years ago, mainly by Quakers.
There is a prominent sign composed of large, brass letters on one of the
financial institutions in that community identifying it as the Quaker City
Bank. The last letter of the first word fell off during an earthquake yesterday,
making the sign read "Quake City Bank."
----------------------------------------------------
I was somewhat confused by yesterday's news reports about the 6.1 earthquake
in the Los Angeles area. It was reported that the earthquake took place
on the Whittier Fault.
I thought the Whittier Fault was Richard Nixon.
----------------------------------------------------
XEROX ANNOUNCES HYPER-ETHERNET
SAN FRANCISCO, CA., Jan 7, 2010 -- Xerox today announced
Hyper-Ethernet, its fourth-generation local area network. In addition to
its ability to transmit text, data and images, Hyper-Ethernet enables the
transmission of people. "People transmission over Hyper-Ethernet," according
to Michael Liddle, V.P. of Office Systems, "will greatly reduce elevator
congestion and eliminate the need for video conferencing." Order taking for
Hyper-Ethernet will begin next month. Installation will start in Los
Angeles in the Third Quarter.
In a related announcement, Wang Labs, headquartered in Hoboken, New Jersey,
announced Super-Hyper Wangnet, its twelfth generation local area network.
According to Freddie Wang, President of Wang Labs, "Super-Hyper Wangnet will
not only transmit people over the Wangnet, but will also transmit furniture
and buildings over the interconnect and utility bands. These additional
capabilities of Super-Hyper Wangnet are vital to the emerging office of the
future." Order taking for Super-Hyper Wangnet will begin next month.
Installation has already occurred worldwide.
IBM Corporation, which has been rumored to be about to announce a local
area network since 1980, was not available for comment.
Digital Responds to Hyper-Ethernet
TEWKSBURY, MA, April 1, 2010 -- Digital Equipment announced today its
new DECNet Phase XVIII Architecture. In response to recent Xerox and
Wang improvements to Ethernet that provide people- and facility-
transportation across inter-node links, DEC's latest DECNet provides
these capabilities as well as providing for the creation of virtual
facilities and even countries. These capabilities are provided by
breakthroughs in communications technology that actually uses the
Ether as a communications medium. Through the use of a new dedicated
NANO-PDP-11/E99 gateway processor system, ETHERGATE, DECNet users can
access anywhere in the Ethereal Plane.
This development obsoletes teleconferencing, since meeting groups can
create their own common conference rooms and cafeterias, thus resolving
space, travel, and dining problems. There may be a few bugs left, as
some of the dissenting DECNet Review Group members have not been seen
since the last meeting held in such a virtual conference facility.
This breakthrough was brought about by a team of the Distributed Systems
Software and Hardware engineering teams in an effort to improve on their
Tewksbury, Massachusetts, facility. In a compromise decision, Distributed
Systems will maintain an ETHERGATE in TWOOO but it will connect directly
to their new home somewhere in the Shire of their newly defined Middle
Earth reality. Despite some difficulties, the scenery, windows, tax
breaks, pool, and racquetball courts made the relocation go quite smoothly.
Engineering Network topology will not change, as all forwarding will be
done by the TWOOO Ethereal Plane Router residing in the crater at the
former building site.
Utility packages such as Ethereal Person Transfer (EPT) and Ethereal
Facility Transfer (EFT) provide appropriate capabilities for casual
users. Sophisticated users can create ($CREATE), access ($OPEN) and
delete ($NUKE) ethereal entities transparently from high level
languages using the Ethereal Management System (EMS) package and the
Ethereal Access Protocol (EAP). An ETHERTRIEVE utility for easy
interactive use will be available shortly.
DECNet Phase XVIII follows on the success of the Phase XVI ability to
access everyone's Digital Professional Wristwatch computer system.
The lead to the current Phase XVII architecture, which has routing
capabilities that allow direct communications with the entire Earth
population's Atari home video games.
Distributed Systems architects are hard at work on the next phase of
DECNet that will include multi-plane existence network management
(using the NIECE protocol) and galaxy level routing using 64K-bit
addresses.
Digital will continue to support its Gateway products into the Prime
Material Plane. These products include an IBM ANA (Acronym-based
Network Architecture) Gateway, the TOLKIEN product that allows control
of all ring based networks, and our Mega-broad-jump-band hardware
which leaps past Wang's products in the hype-weary business marketplace.
-------------------------------------------------------------
STAR TREK II-3/4: The Search For Monday Night Football
Spock: Captian, the Klingons are showing blitz.
Spock: I see no logic in running against the Bears (or Giants).
Kirk: Scotty go out for a long bomb.
Scotty: Captian, I dinna have the power.
Uhura: Message from SFC (Star Fleet Command), they want us to punt.
Orgainins: Encrochment on the Neutral Zone, Klingons (Romulans) fifteen
parsec penilty.
Sulu: The New Offensive line is holding.
Kirk: Mr Checkov, we are going to do the Statue of Liberity, do you know
what it is?
Checkov: You mean the Russian Invention.
McCoy: Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor not a Halfback.
Kirk: Sulu come about on a crossing pattern.
McCoy: He's down Jim.
Spock: Captian thats Don Shula, I always admired his view that football is
events, not just dates.
Spock: Sensors show an open man Captain.
Spock: Illogical, they should have blitzed instead of using of a zone.
Chapel: Doctor, he's breaking thru.
Spock: Jim, I am and always will be your friend, but I will not go out for
another bomb.
Spock: Captain, I see no reason to bother the referee's.
----------------------------------------------------
Lunch, the HP Way
by Stephen Harrison and Noel Magee
This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no screaming disc
drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life.
I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new series
70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three hours later, we'd
barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me downstairs
for lunch.
This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service counter
was a menu which began...
MMU's (Main Menu Units)
0001A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order comdiments 00110A seperatly
001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.
00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun and
condiments.
001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.
00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger
001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.
00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A
001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.
My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer.
The waitress looked at me like I was an alien.
"How would you like to order that, sir ?"
"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink ?"
"No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like ?"
I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger ?"
"The patty is rated at eight bites."
"Well, how about the rest of it ?"
"I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."
"Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."
My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002
'expands burger to two patties'. The double burger upgrade would give you
two burgers.
"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress chimed in,
trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."
I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple in
line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who merely mowed me down in
the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking to some woman
who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.
"What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable option and
without the burger and cheese ? It'd be a BLT!"
The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my attention
again. "Have you decided, sir ?"
"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the
option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the Condiment
Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a option
to substitute relish.
"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."
"Thats not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted in
again. "Thats not a supported configuration."
"What now ?" I kept my voice steady.
"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."
"Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."
The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but thats not
supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't fit in the box.
The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first release." "It is being
beta-tested, sir."
I checked the overhead scree. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. French
followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English Fries ?" I
turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them."
I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." The confused
the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for
series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles. "No ma'am, he just wants a
standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered how long it had been on the shelf.
I didn't ask.
"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh off belief. "Your meal is now
on order. Now how would you like it supported ?" "Support ?" She directed me
to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu, and I began a litany
with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.
"Implementation assistance ?"
"You get a waiter."
"Implementation analysis ?"
You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."
"Response Center Support ?"
"He brings it to your table."
"Extended materials ?"
"You get refills."
I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave me my
check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the
table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.
Table ? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He hadn't
been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching
in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said "Two weeks.
But I can get you a standalone chair by the window right away."
I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of chile
and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began to
grom dim, my eyesight faded...
I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM,
four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it told
me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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