Article 174869 of rec.humor:
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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Subject: Life 2.J
Message-ID: [cate3D65twC.6Hn@netcom.com]
Organization: NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 261-4700 guest)
Date: Tue, 28 Mar 1995 17:00:12 GMT
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Sender: cate3@netcom17.netcom.com
Date: 4 Dec 87 14:15:22 PST (Friday)
Subject: Life 2.J
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Bumper sticker seen in Seattle:
"Save the Safeway lobsters"
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Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worships
the number zero?
Is nothing sacred?
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alan shepherd, one of the apollo astronauts, said during a press meeting:
"It's a very sobering feeling to be up in space and realize that one's
safety factor was determined by the lowest bidder on a government contract."
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There was a man who, everyday, would buy a newspaper on the way to work,
glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the
man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it
and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the
front page before discarding it?"
The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."
"But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper."
"Young man," he said, "the one I'm looking for will be on the
front page."
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She was only a moonshiners daughter, BUT I loved her still.
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Freaking on other minds:
A good one I have always liked for this purpose is to walk up to someone
early in the morning and say, "Hi. I'm not really here. *You're* not really
here. You're at home, in bed, asleep, dreaming all of this, and if you don't
get up soon, you're going to be LATE." Heh heh...
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"It would have been confusing even if Ginsburg would have made it
to the Supreme Court. I can just picture one of his rulings.
The votes would be 4 Yes, 4 No, and 1 Far Out."
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On a bright, warm spring day, somewhere on Vancouver Island a certain
resident of East Indian origin was shaking his rug on his front porch.
A passerby saw him, couldn't help himself and blurted,
"What is the problem? Can't get it started?"
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A short story I read once claimed that when Sherlock Holmes died and
went to heaven, God presented him with a mystery: Adam and Eve had disappeared!
Holmes quickly identified the couple (who, it turned out, had disguised themselves
to get away from the constant demands to meet curious new arrivals). When
asked how he had solved the case, Holmes replied, "Elementary, my dear God.
They were the only persons without navels."
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Everything is farther away now than it used to be. It is twice as far to
the corner, and they have added a hill I noticed. I have given up running
for the bus; it leaves faster than it used to. And it seems to me they are
making stairs steeper than in the old days.
Have you noticed the smaller print they are using in the newspapers now?
And there is no sense in asking people to read aloud. Everyone speaks in
such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
It is almost impossible to reach my shoelaces. Even people are changing.
They are much younger than they used to be when I was their age. On the other
hand, people my age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old clsssmate
the other day, and he had aged so much I didn't even recognize him.
I got to think about the poor thing while I was combing my hair this morning,
and in so doing I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. You know, they
don't even make mirrors like they used to either.
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LOS ANGELES TIMES:
It was, police figure, a 10 million-to-1 shot that saved the life of a federal
agent in a shopping-mall shootout in Hialeah, Florida. A drug suspect had
aimed at the chest of Carlos Montalvo, an agent with the Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms, and pulled the trigger. But the shot struck Montalvo's
gun, lodging in the barrel.
After draining excess fuel from the flooded engine of his 1946 aircraft,
Douglas Youngs reached into the cockpit and started the engine. But he had
forgotten to close the throttle and the plane took off without him. The
errant aircraft was eventually found 65 miles away, perched in an 85 foot
tree near Clifton, New York. Youngs thinks he can repair the plane, just
as soon as he figures out how to get it down from the tree.
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Take heart: the only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
----------------------------------------------------
What do you call a computer scientist ...
My ex-wife used to say (maybe she still does) that it doesn't
matter what you call him. He's too involved with the computer
to come anyway.
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There was a young man shipwrecked on an island. He found a magic lamp on
the shore one day, picked it up and rubbed it.
A Genie appeared. However, he was not a typical Genie, he was an
attorney Genie. When the Genie told the man he was also an attorney the
man laughed and said, "Oh come on, Genies can't be attorneys too!" The
Genie said he would prove it. He told the man to make his three wishes,
but on one condition, for every wish he made, all attorneys were granted
DOUBLE of what the man wished for. The man pondered the offer and decided
that something was better than nothing and decided his three wishes.
"My first wish is for 1 million dollars". The Genie reminded the man
that he would grant the wish, but all attorneys would get double that amount.
The man agreed and then made his second wish.
"My second wish is for a beautiful blonde with blue eyes." Once again
the Genie granted the wish and also granted all attorneys with two of the
blonde eyed babe.
The Genie announced that the man had one more wish and to consider
his choice carefully. The man thought for a moment. Suddenly he drew the
Genie's attention to a piece of driftwood lying on the beach. He told the
Genie:
"For my next wish, please pick up that piece of driftwood and beat me
HALF to death!!!"
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Why did the LA police remove the 911 emergency number from their cars?
Because thievs would keep stealing them thinking they were Porshes.
This was actually said at a Tampa police dinner in October.
The city was Miami and he used 'Cubans' in place of 'thieves'.
Needless to say, he was flamed very seriously when the papers
reported it the next day.
----------------------------------------------------
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were
guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things,
but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in
his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once
you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug
look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him
and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
----------------------------------------------------
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
----------------------------------------------------
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."
Here are some good news and some bad news:
The good news: A bus full of lawyers fell into a river and
all of them were drown.
The bad news: 4 seats were empty.
----------------------------------------------------
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule
what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard
to get back on your feet.
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It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands
in his own pockets.
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Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you
serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."
----------------------------------------------------
Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lqwyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
----------------------------------------------------
I once saw a cute cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.
One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
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Q: How did Noah construct the cages he needed?
A: Ark-welding!
----------------------------------------------------
Two ethnics are out duck hunting. They hunt and hunt and hunt into the late
hours of the evening and still have not killed one duck. Finally, ethnic #1
says to ethnic #2:
"Maybe we'd do better if we threw the dog up higher."
----------------------------------------------------
Two morons, tom and jack, were sitting in a bar one day, when two
fishermen walked in with 2 huge trout, one of the morons asked where the guys
got the fish, and the fishermen told the morons that they go down to the
bridge, one guy would hold the other by the ankles until a fish was caught.
The morons figured that they could to that.
After holding Tom for about 20 minutes, Jack asked Tom if he had anything, the
reply was "no". About 20 more minutes passes, so Jack asked again, and again
the reply was "no". Finally, Tom yelled "Pull me up!! Pull me up!!".
Jack exclaimed "Ya got one?". Tom said "No! a train is comming!!"
----------------------------------------------------
Two hippies were waiting at the bus stop along with a nun with her leg in
a cast. The first hippie asked "Sister, how did you break you leg?" "I
slipped in the bathtub." The second hippie asked the first "What's a bathtub?"
"How should I know, I'm not Catholic!"
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Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:
George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years"
Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days"
George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill
a man and get 3 days???"
Herman: "Yep.......they hang me on Wednesday"
----------------------------------------------------
After Robin Hood died, Friar Tuck decided to buy a flower shop. But
just a week after opening he discovered that some of his plants were wilting
because of a bad ventilation job. So he asked his best friend, George, to
put new vents in for him. George fixed the problem in about an hour, and
charged the friar five dollars. But another week later the friar was
discouraged to find even more flowers wilting. So he asked another friend,
Tom, to re-ventilate the shop. Tom worked all day on the shop's ventilation
system, but alas, one more week later, Friar Tuck saw that nearly all of his
beautiful greenery was now ugly brownery. So finally he called his cousin's
best friend's uncle, Hugh, to install new vents. Hugh spent over 3 days on
the job, carefully placing ductwork all over and putting in new blowers and
filters. He charged the friar an arm and a leg, but it was worth it, because
in no time at all, the flowers in the shop were again healthy and bright.
Which just shows to go you,
Hugh, and only Hugh, can re-vent florist friars.
----------------------------------------------------
The five rules of Socialism:
1. Don't think
2. If you do think, don't speak
3. If you think and speak, don't write
4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign
5. If you think, spead, write and sign, don't be surprised
----------------------------------------------------
Why do Soviet policemen always patrol in groups of three, as in
fact they often do?
One of them knows how to read, one knows how to add, while the
third is there to observe the two suspected intellectuals.
----------------------------------------------------
An American who finds himself in Moscow wants to know the time. He
sees a man approaching him carrying two heavy suitcases and asks the
fellow if he knows the correct time.
"Certainly," says the Russian, setting down the two bags and
looking at his wrist. "It is 11:43 and 17 seconds. The date is Feb.
13, the moon is nearing its full phase and the atmospheric pressure
stands at 992 hectopascals and is rising."
The visitor is dumbfounded but manages to ask if the
watch that provides all this information is Japanese. No, he is
told, it is "our own, a product of Soviet Technology."
"Well, that is wonderful, you are to be congratulated."
"Yes," the Russian answers, straining to pick up the suitcases,
"but these batteries are still a little heavy."
----------------------------------------------------
How does the Soviet Constitution differ from the American?
Under the Soviet Constitution citizens are guaranteed
freedom of speech, but under the United States constitution they are
guaranteed freedom after speech.
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Why is Poland just like the United States?
In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever you
want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
----------------------------------------------------
Two teachers are talking in the hallway.
"I hear you're teaching Ivanhoe this term in english class"
"Yes, They weren't allowed to teach that book when I was in school"
"Why not?"
"Too much Saxon Violence"
----------------------------------------------------
Once there was a Millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them
in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful
daughter that was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, during
the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man
here. I will give 1 million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim
across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he
finished his last word there was the sound of a large SPLASH! There was one
guy in the pool swimming with all he could, the crowd cheered him on as he
kept stroking. Finally he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire
was impressed, he said "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think
it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain, which do you want
my daughter of the 1 million dollars? The guy says "Listen I don't want your
money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person
who pushed me in that WATER!
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... as Benny Hill once said: "Did you ever notice that everyone in
favour of birth control has already been born?"
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Two little boys are walking down the street. The first one says, "I'm so
proud to be Jewish. Our rabbi really knows a lot." The other one says,
"Well, I'm proud to be Catholic. Our priest knows more than your rabbi."
The first boy says, "Yeah but that's because everyone tells him everything."
----------------------------------------------------
A prominent Wall Street tycoon, Carmine Intervocalic, wants to hire an
MIT c.s. graduate student to program the ultimate financial advisor expert
system. Turns out MIT is too expensive, so instead Carmine gets an
undergraduate in applied math from the University of California at Hollywood.
After months of programming and millions of dollars of research, the
programming is finally done, and Carmine proudly calls up his new toy.
Instantly on the screen:
--] BANK STREET ADVISOR: READY. ENTER COMMAND.
Carmine (who learned his programming from TV movie spy thrillers) types in:
--] REQUEST: BANK STREET ADVISOR, COMPUTE THE SECRET TO SUCCESS ON THE
STOCK MARKET.
The reply is instantaneous. Crackling on the neon green of the screen
is one ominous flashing word: "WORKING"
Carmine is nervous. He paces around. Nothing's happening. Waits more.
Hurm. Nothing's happening. Waits still more -- nothing. To take his mind
off of the wait, Carmine does some business work: Evicting widows and
orphans, and so forth. Well, to make a long story short (too late
already), days pass and, still, all that's on the screen is "WORKING."
The program's sucking in data at a hideous rate -- but still no answer.
Carmine's frazzled, and his stocks are plummeting -- he's forced to sell!
sell! sell! Carmine is almost broke when finally the answer comes up:
--] BANK STREET WRITER: ANSWER COMPUTED. HIT SPACE BAR.
--] BUY LOW. SELL HIGH.
Carmine's not amused (probably neither are you). In desperation,
he types in:
--] REQUEST: BANK STREET ADVISOR, I NEED FINANCIAL ADVICE -- WHAT
IS THE BEST FINANCIAL ADVICE YOU CAN GIVE ME? HOW
CAN I STOP WASTING MONEY?
The answer's fast:
--] SELL THE COMPUTER.
Carmine is plucking out his hair in frenzy. But he realizes that all he
has to do is phrase his requests correctly.
--] REQUEST: HOW CAN I PREDICT WHICH STOCKS WILL GO UP IN VALUE?
Curiously, the answer doesn't take long:
--] MAKE PREDICTIONS WHILE FLOATING SUBMERGED IN FIZZY APPLE JUICE.
Carmine tries it, and it works. "It works?" his advisors ask.
"Yeah, it works. What, haven't you heard of in-cider trading?"
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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