Date: 12 Jan 88 19:39:09 PST (Tuesday) Subject: Life 2.M ---------------------------------------------------- Excerpts from: Year in Review for 1987 -by Dave Barry January 3 -- Oral Roberts tells his followers that unless they send him $4.5 million by the end of the month, God will turn him into a hypocritical money-grubbing slimebag. 5 -- In response to growing pressure from the United States, the government of Colombia vows to track down its major drug dealers and, if necessary, remove them from the cabinet. 21 -- The Audi Corporation is forced to recall 250,000 cars after repeated incidents wherein parked Audis, apparently acting on their own, used their mobile phones to purchase stocks on margin. 28 -- In the Middle East, Syria has its name legally changed to "Jordan." A welcome calm settles over Beirut as the six remaining civilians are taken hostage. February 3 -- In the ongoing war against the federal budget deficit, Congress gives itself a pay raise. 17 -- In Colombia, police arrest Carlos Lehder for jaywalking and discover, during a routine search, that his pockets contain 1,265,000 pounds of cocaine. Lehder claims to have "no idea" how it got there. 19 -- Mario Cuomo announces that he doesn't want to be president and immediately becomes the Democratic front-runner. 23 -- Panic grips the nation as a terrorist group seizes 150,000 new, improved W-4 forms and threatens to send them to randomly selected Americans through the mail. March 21 -The IRS releases an even newer, simpler W-4 form in response to complaints from a number of taxpayers, all of whom will be audited for the rest of their lives. 27 -- In what is hailed as a major arms-race breakthrough, U.S. and Soviet arms negotiators in Geneva agree to wear matching outfits. April 3 -- In the Persian Gulf, Iranians attack the Islip garbage barge, but are driven off by courageous flies. 13 -- True Anecdote: In National League baseball action, the Atlanta Braves' Dion James hits a ball that would have been caught easily, except that in midair it strikes and kills a dove. 14 -- In Colorado, Gary Hart declares his candidacy for the presidential nomination, making the official announcement while standing in front of a dramatic backdrop of soaring mountains, towering pine trees, and four Miami Herald reporters disguised as rhododendrons. 22 -- Crack U.S. counter-intelligence agents in Moscow begin to suspect that the new U.S. Embassy in Moscow, constructed by Soviet labor, might be bugged, when one of them sneezes in the ambassador's office and six chairs say, "Gesundheit." 26 -- Jack Kemp announces that he is running for president, pledging that, if elected, he will deepen his voice. 30 -- Following a lengthy and dramatic trial, a confused New Jersey jury awards custody of a 3-month-old boy to a 6-week-old girl. May 3 -- Like a raging unquenchable forest fire, the Gary Hart story sweeps across the nation, as voters are consumed by a burning need to know more about the candidate's monetary views. Rumors abound that Hart, at various times in his career, may also have had views on a number of other issues. 4 -- The Hart story becomes so hot that issue-oriented Phil Donahue devotes a show to it, canceling the regular weekly appearance of the sex-change lesbian surrogate-mother nude-dancer ex-priests. 5 -- The Iran-Contra hearings begin with Sen. Daniel Inouye doing his hilarious two-hour impersonation of a 78 r.p.m. record being played at 33 r.p.m. 6 -- An angry Gary Hart is forced to withdraw from the race after word leaks out that The Washington Post has obtained documented evidence that he once proposed tying the prime rate to the Index of Leading Economic Indicators. 12 -- U.S. drug agents become concerned when aerial photographs reveal that several dozen Bahamian "islands" are in fact enormous piles of some kind of white powdery substance. 17 -- The U.S. Navy frigate Stark is attacked by an Iraqi jet, which, under our extremely clear Mideast policy, causes us to prepare for violent confrontation with Iran. 29 -- Nineteen-year-old German Mathias Rust, flying a single-engined Cessna airplane, manages to cross 400 miles of Soviet airspace to reach Red Square in Moscow, where he narrowly avoids colliding with a Delta Air Lines flight en route from Pittsburgh to Cleveland. 30 -- Caspar Weinberger orders 5,000 single-engine Cessna airplanes. June 2 -- True Item: In the ongoing Iran-Contra hearings, the committee learns that a country named "Brunei" contributed $10 million to help the Contras, except Fawn Hall or somebody typed a wrong number, so the money ended up in the Swiss bank account of a total stranger. This helps explain why, despite all the elaborate assistance efforts with secret codes and passwords and everything, the only actual aid ever received by the Contras was a six-month trial subscription to Guns and Ammo. 18 -- A survey of Florida residents reveals that their number one concern about the state is that "not enough people are walking around with guns." Alarmed, the state Legislature passes a law under which all citizens who are not actually on Death Row will be REQUIRED to carry revolvers. July 7 -- The central figure in the Iran-Contra hearings, Lt. Col. Oliver North, becomes an instant national folk hero when, with his eyes glistening and his voice cracking with emotion, he courageously admits, before a worldwide television audience, that he is very patriotic. 11 -- The Iran-Contra hearings reach their dramatic peak when Lt. Col. North, his eyes glistening and his voice cracking with emotion, makes a sweeping patriotic hand gesture and knocks over his bottle of Revlon Eye Glistener. 15 -- The giant Citicorp bank announces that it has agreed to forgive Mexico's $56.3 billion debt in exchange for 357.9 gazillion chickens. August 3 -- Political activist Donna Rice, in her continuing effort to avoid publicity, sells her story to ABC television. 6 -- As "Ollie-mania" continues to sweep the country, one of the most popular video-arcade games in the country is a new one called -- this is true -- "Contra." The way it works is, there are are two soldiers on the screen, and when you put in a quarter, it never gets to them. 10 -- The U.S. space probe Meanderer II, after a journey of six years and many millions of miles, passes within 400 miles of the surface of Neptune, sending back dramatic color photographs of a Delta Air Lines jet. 22 -- Rumors circulate that Gary Hart will re-enter the presidential race. Johnny Carson places his writers on Full Red Alert. 25 -- In what is hailed as a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court decides, by a 7-2 vote, that you cannot count three oranges as one item in the Express Checkout Lane "unless they are all in the same package." 27 -- Georgia Sen. Sam Nunn announces that he doesn't want to be president. Cuomo challenges him to a debate. 28 -- In the Persian Gulf, tensions mount as a U.S. gunboat engages in a scuffle with actor Sean Penn. September 2 -- In Washington, reporters notice that at some point -- possibly during a speech by Sen. Inouye, when everybody was asleep -- the ongoing Iran-Contra hearings turned into the ongoing confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork. 8 -- Researcher Shere Hite releases her scientific new book, "Men Are Scum." 12 -- In the ongoing hearings, Sen. Joseph Biden pledges to consider the Bork nomination "with total objectivity," adding: "You have that on my honor not only as a Senator, but also as the Prince of Wales." 17 -- The market-savvy McDonald's corporation, capitalizing on the popularity of the movie "Fatal Attraction," introduces a new menu item, Boiled McRabbits. 21 -- Professional football players go on strike, demanding the right to "have normal necks." Negotiations begin under the guidance of mediator Mario Cuomo. 28 -- Tensions ease in the Persian Gulf as a Delta Air Lines flight, en route from Boston to Newark, successfully lands on the U.S. carrier Avocado. October 3 -- Sen. Joseph Biden is forced to withdraw from the Democratic presidential race when it is learned that he is in fact an elderly Norwegian woman. On the Republican side, the spectacularly Rev. Pat Robertson announces his candidacy for president, buoyed by strong popularity among humor columnists. 8 -- Three hundred prominent law professors sign a petition stating that Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork has "a weenie beard." 15 -- In an effort to establish that she is not a bimbo, Jessica Hahn appears nude in Playboy magazine. We are pretty sure we must have made this item up. 25 -- The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that the federal speed limit should be raised on highways going through boring or ugly areas, so drivers can get through them quicker. "In Indiana, for instance," the committee says, "it should be 135 miles per hour." November 1 -- In the ongoing heroic effort to trim the federal budget deficit, House and Senate conferees agree not to order appetizers. 15 -- In their continuing heroic deficit-reduction efforts, House and Senate conferees agree to continue working right through their 2:30 racquetball appointment. 22 -- In ceremonies marking his retirement as secretary of defense, Caspar Weinberger is presented with a pen-and-pencil set, built by the General Dynamics Corp. for $352.4 million. 29 -- The world financial community's faith in the U.S. economy is restored as heroic House and Senate conferees hammer out a breakthrough compromise deficit-reduction measure under which $417.65 will be slashed from the $13.2 million pastry budget of the Federal Bureau of Putting Up Road Signs With Kilometers On Them. December 2 -- In a widely hailed legal decision, the judge in the bitter divorce dispute between Joan Collins and Peter Holm orders them both shot. Mikhail Gorbachev appears on "Jeopardy." 5 -- In a cost-cutting move, financially troubled Eastern Airlines announces that its domestic flights will operate without engines. "Most of them never take off anyway," explains a spokesman. 8 -- In Washington, the long-awaited U.S.-Soviet summit meeting gets off to an uncertain start as President Reagan attempts to nominate Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev to the Supreme Court. 9 -- The summit concludes on a triumphant note as, in the culmination of 10 years of negotiations between the superpowers, Gorbachev and New York Gov. Mario Cuomo sign a historic agreement under which both sides will move all of their mid- and short-range long-term strategic tactical nuclear weapons 150 feet to the left. 15 -- Under intense pressure from the U.S. to reduce the trade deficit, Japanese auto manufacturers agree to give their cars really ugly names. 18 -- Playboy magazine offers Tammy Faye Bakker a record $1.5 million if she will promise never, ever to pose nude. 27 -- Oscar C. Klaxton, an employee of the U.S. Department for Making Everybody Nervous, wins a $10,000 prize for dreaming up the concept of a deadly "hole" in an invisible "ozone layer." Copyright 1987 Knight-Ridder Newspapers ---------------------------------------------------------------- The following are excepts on a discusion about pranks: ---------------------------------------------------- This does not equal Larry's anecdote but it does give you a true example of the effective deployment of electronic countermeasures by civilians against obnoxious FM radio reception. I have a friend, whom I will call Joe, who a few years ago was a quiet electronics technician of the old school. Although too young to properly qualify as an old fart, he liked to build things with vacuum tubes. Joe is also a cellist, and a member of a large local family. He likes to practice his cello, or play the organ, for relaxation. Anyway, at the time of this anecdote, Joe had moved into an apartment in Oakland, California. He did not play the cello or organ there, out of respect for his neighbors (nowadays he owns a house, and besides, his neighbors like the music). However, in the apartment building were some Very Noisy People. They would play FM stations at all hours, loud. They acknowledged but did not act on requests to moderate the volume. Now hereabouts this sort of behavior is illegal -- the police call it a 647 violation, Disturbing The Peace, so Joe could easily have complained to the police. But his style was much quieter, and subtler, than that. He built an FM jammer, which came in later years to be passed around a lot and dubbed "the family FM jammer." (This was very much in character -- Joe was always building clever gadgets to fill a need. The family is very handy with things like that, making do -- Joe's parents grew up, of course, in the Depression.) It was a beautiful piece of work: built on a block of wood, with open-air coils, a large glowing VHF tube, and porcelain insulators. It would have been completely at home in a 1930's sci-fi movie with Bela Lugosi in a starched white smock that buttoned up on one side. The jammer used, simply enough, the 60-Hertz power line to frequency-modulate the carrier. With characteristic attention to detail, Joe had made sure that the modulation was just enough to cover the desired channel without spilling over to adjacent ones. Yes, it was assembled and aligned with all the loving care of a commercial transmitter expecting outside inspection. The procedure was simple but delightful. When the Noisy Neighbors decided to play loud FM, and this got to bothering Joe, he would warm up the jammer. Because the jammer needed precise tuning, and also because the problem had now become a sport, Joe worked the tuning dial with the fingers of a safecracker, and all the patience in the world -- I like to think, though I don't really know, that he had a cigar and a glass of port, perhaps Graham's Malvedos 1955. Presently a horrific buzz would replace the (inevitably pounding) dance beat audible through the wall, provoking vaguely audible expletives of discontent. Someone would change the station, and the music would return. It didn't bother Joe; he was patient, and he was sure of his quarry. Eventually he would find the new station and they would change it again. Sooner or later there were expletives of resignation and the receiver was turned off. To his fortune, they rarely played anything but FM (AM, of course, would have been even more manageable, but records would have required a radically different approach). All of this had the effect of translating a nuisance into good clean sport, at least for a patient cellist like Joe. Naturally, as a law-abiding citizen, not to mention a commercial licensiate of the FCC and bound by the statutes of the Communications Act of 1934 as amended, I would have been horrified and obliged to report this behavior had I not learned of it well after the fact. ---------------------------------------------------- I once had the opportunity to engage in a little ECM against TV and will relate it here. Many years (at least 2*statute¬of¬limitations) I was living in the barracks at a Navy Air base in California. The folks in the "cube" next door had a habit of watching TV late at night with the TV turned up loud. As a lowly E3, I was unable to get them to turn it down, so decided to fix it with ECM. A one transistor blocking oscillator was constructed, which had the following characteristics: 3 Pulses per Second Each pulse about 5 Watts of power for about 10 msec Each pulse swept from about 10 to 21 Mhz, with a very rich harmonic spectrum, thus blanketing the VHF TV specturm, and the TV IF. This device was placed a few feet from the offending television set, and resulted in a total disruption of vertical sync. However, much to my annoyance, the cretins next door assumed that the TV was just a little sick, and kept on watching it! Feeling frustated, and needing to catch some Z's, I then modified the oscillator to make it continuous duty and about 500 mW of power. Sneaking outside, I placed it under the window where the TV set lived, and then adjusted the frequency until the TV went dark and the sound vanished. Then I snuck back into bed. The noise, of course, was gone. The neighbors, however, suspected something, but when they found me in bed, they figured that it couldn't possibly be me causing the problem (again, not too bright, these folks). So... they trashed the TV. End of problem. However, not end of story... The barracks was located under the HF antennas of the base communications station. Next morning, the barracks was surrounded by armed guards, and everybody was made to leave (and searched by an unfriendly looking ONI (office of Naval Intelligence (sic)) agent. Remembering the antennas, some unpleasant fantasies regarding COMSEC, Court Martials, Interfering with military radio charges, etc, occurred to me. Fortunately, (those being Vietnam Days) it was a dope bust, and my oscillator wasn't found. ---------------------------------------------------- On the subject of revenge on noisy neighbors: I have one friend, whose two great passions (besides his wife) are music and medicine. He was a professional rocker for a few years, and is now a registered nurse, and is quite knowledgable about both subjects. One semester, in college, he had the misfortune to be next door to the party room for the dorm. After a month or two of trying to get them to quiet down via conventional means, he decided on a drastic plan of action. He, of course, had a top-notch music system, with excellent speakers. He also knew that there are certain tones that affect the human nervous system in nasty, awful ways. One morning, while his neighbors were sleeping off a particularly noisy party, he hooked up the speakers to a good tone generator, pointed them at the wall, and left for class. He came back an few hours later to find the partiers being violently ill. Nothing permanent, just *very* unpleasant. This happened one or two more times, and the noise problem slowly went away. Can you say Pavlovian conditioning, boys and girls? --------------------------------------------------- -- Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet "The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf: The things that get rewarded, get done.
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