Date: 1 Feb 88 16:56:31 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life 2.P
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Last week at Carnegie Mellon...
Someone walked off with a laser printer that was in our Computing Center. The
center is open 24 hours, and he just took it right out under everyone's nose.
How did they catch him?
The User Consultant on duty got a phone call a couple of days later. The
caller asked, "How do you hook up a laser printer?" While the one consultant
stalled the caller, another one had the call traced.
The police got a warrant for the guy's arrest, went to his apartment, and
found the laser printer, an Apple ImageWriter stolen from our library, and a
Mac SE stolen from our DoD-sponsored Software Engineering Institute.
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Here is one I picked up from my girlfriend who was born in Odessa;
Do you know that it is very easy for a Jew to join the KGB? Yes, he
only needs three recommendations from Arabs.
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Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While
several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the
customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their
wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams
something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?", to which
lawyer number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
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A collegue of mine has a sign in his office which says:
"Good, fast, cheap: choose any two."
This is a well known engineering principle (at least to engineers). But
I have discovered that there is an anologous principle at work in the
design...er, choice of political candidates:
"Honest, smart, effective: choose at most one."
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Where do monkeys pick up wild rumors?
Over the apevine.
There's a dog that loves to be scrubbed three times every day. The
owners aren't sure of his breed, they think he's a shampoodle.
A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for her
birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her looking
at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured sadly, "runneth over."
A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three days
old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
long-distance caw.
A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a new
theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
A hard-luck actor who appeared in one coloossal disaster after another
finally got a break, a broken leg to be exaxt. Someone pointed out that
it's the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to Madona,
a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best friends,
Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she had been
on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today and I've
been telling it to the Maureens."
Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene from
Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed Tom.
"Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
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Why did the guru refuse novicane when he went to his dentist ??
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
To a crow bar . . .
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Seems that there was an auto race with just two entrants: An American car,
and a Soviet car. The American won. The Soviet press announced the
results this way: "The Soviet car came in second. The American car came
in next to the last."
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The following were taken from the Jan 11, 1988 US News & World Report:
Economist John Kenneth Galbraith: The only function of economic forecasting
is to make astrology look respectable.
Ayatollah Khomeini: One must forgive one's enemies, but not before they have been hanged.
Donald Petersen, chairman of Ford: Genius is lasting 5 minutes longer than the other side.
----------------------------------------------------
Knock, knock. This is Mrs. Warner-Cracker. Mrs. Polly Warner-Cracker.
This is Mr. Buggy. Mr. Orson Buggy.
This is Mr. Rainbows. Mr. Always Jason Rainbows.
This is Miss Ruin. Miss Rhoda Ruin.
This is Mr. Deggs. Mr. Hammond Deggs
This is Mr. Pepper. Mr. Sultan Pepper.
This is Mrs. Highwater. Mrs. Helen Highwater.
This is Mr. Peace. Mr. Warren Peace.
----------------------------------------------------
Daffynitions
Alimony: The fee a woman charges for name-dropping.
Auction: A gyp off the old block.
Beatury Contest: A lass roundup.
Bigamist: An Italian fog.
Denial: A rvier in Egypt.
Dogma: A puppy's mother.
Egotist: A man who's always me-deep in conversation.
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Incongruous: Where the laws are made.
Lamb stew: Much ado about mutton.
Molasses: Additional girls
Polygon: A dead parrot.
Sunbather: A fry in the ointment.
Wolf: A character who knows all the ankles.
----------------------------------------------------
Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, walkway,
the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to part of the
ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother
drop, "We've taught our son all he needs to know, he is now fit to be tide."
After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
sing, "Some day my prints will come."
A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
an album too and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't
be silly son, remember 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if
she was Carmen or Cohen.
Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
since, he's been talking about the good old dais.
His students planted a small orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
----------------------------------------------------
A 2nd grade teacher read her class the story of the Nativity and later played
Christmas carols. At the end of the session, she asled each child to draw
their impressions of the Nativity scene. Most were reasonably accurate.
except for the work of one boy who added a portly figure next to Mary. When
asked just who this added person was. the youngster replied, "Round John
Virgin, of course."
THE SAME KID NEXT DREW HIS IMPRESSION OF THE "FLIGHT INTO EGYPT",
COMPLETE WITH MARY, JOSEPH, BABY JESUS, AIRPLANE, AND "PONTIUS
THE PILOT".
----------------------------------------------------
Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate Dr.
Ed Bluestone of the Surgeon General's office, has compiled for non-confidential
distribution a list of activities which, while not definitely linked to death
or established as causative factors in any specific form of physical or psysiological
deterioration, have been determined through exhaustive reiteration to be
detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare of their
perpetrator. While implementation of any of these activities is not specifically
illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in any of
said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of common
etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs. Widespread or accelerated
participation in any of the listed activities by an increasing or superannuated
segment of the population would be frowned on by and erosive to all reasonable,
respected, and stalwart facets of American society.
THE SURGEON GENERAL WARNS:
1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher
meal.
2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield.
3. Never moon a werewolf.
5. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of
your accomplice!"
6. Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover.
7. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.
8. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones.
15. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.
18. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.
19. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your
parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.
26. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.
28. Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper
scooper in your hand.
29. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is
too hot."
31. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to
cheat again next year.
35. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian
homeland.
----------------------------------------------------
There was a man named Bill who was charged with guarding a special lever,
because if that lever were ever moved, the world would end. One day, his best
friend Nate told him,"You've been here for such a long time, why don't you let
me guard the lever while you take a vacation, travel, and do some of the
things you've always wanted." Bill thought that this was a good idea and
thanked Nate and went off to see the world.
It seems Bill had gone to Las Vegas and had hit the jackpot. So he was
driving back in a big car with all his prizes and when he came over the last
hill and started down toward the where the lever was, he suddenly lost the
brakes to his car. He couldn't miss both the lever and Nate, so he had to
make a split-second decision about whether to hit his best friend Nate or
hitting the lever and ending the world. At the last second, he swerved and
hit Nate.
The Moral: Better Nate than lever!
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Archaeology is the only profession where your future lies in ruins.
----------------------------------------------------
Communication:
Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
Now that world telephone and television transmission are a reality,
the only communications problem left on earth is that between
parents and teenagers.
The advantage of modern means of communication is that they enable
you to worry about things in all parts of the world.
Silence gives consent, or a horrible feeling that nobody's
listening.
Extremists think "communication" means agreeing with them.
The head of government of a certain East European country had
in his office a telephone with an earpiece, but no mouthpiece.
"What's that?" asked a visitor. "That's my private hotline to
Moscow", was the reply.
A not-very-bright shorthand typist (or maybe she wanted to
teach her boss a lesson?) presented the following letter for
signature:
Dear Mr Tomlinson,
Now let me see. What shall I tell the old fool? In
reply to yours of the sixteenth we are surprised to learn
that the car which you purchased from us is not giving
perfect satisfaction. We had to sell it quickly before it
fell to bits.
As you know, we inspect all cars thoroughly before
putting them up for sale. Your vehicle was in excellent
condition when it left our showrooms. That's a nice dress.
New, isn't it?
It is possible that your driver is at fault. Five miles
to the gallon is very poor milage for a car in such good
condition as yours. Five gallons to the mile would be about
right. I never noticed before you have a little dimple on
your chin. Please bring it round at your convenience and our
mechanic will make the necessary adjustments.
Yours faithfully,
Just sign it yourself.
----------------------------------------------------
Here is a good one if you can get the major parts -- it is rather expensive!
1) Get a car with a right-side stearing wheel -- a used mail jeep or from
a country with left-side driving -- and an extra steering wheel
(some drivers ed cars have this as well...)
Make sure the right-sided steering wheel is small and unobviouos to an
outside observer.
2) Get a large steering wheel from a junkyard or parts dealer.
3) Get a friend to drive the car while you pretend to drive with the
extra wheel. When in an appropirate situation, put on a panicked (sp?)
expression and start trying to "re-attach" the wheel to the dashboard
or hand the wheel to another passenger (in full veiw of the nearby
passengers/drivers of other cars)... It's a wonderful effect!
(I've been involved with one of these as a passenger.)
or
Toss the wheel into the back seat or out the window (litterbug!)
[Close your eyes and imagine what it would look like from another car
which was just passing...]
--
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Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the
six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and an-
other three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish
as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put
on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the manage-
ment is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid,
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning
the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I
am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove them.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps
which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which
were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your
Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside
the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object
to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of
further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that
you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future
complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel
for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-
room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of
soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap
to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assis-
tance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from
my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and
had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since
our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service
a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept
my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came
in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little
bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize
I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please
give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them
removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was
missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been
taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily [sic]. I
don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your
maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought
24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea
this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size
Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory. As of today I possess:
On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and
1 stack of 2.
On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size bath-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill
is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am
keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Oppurtunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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