Date: 8 Feb 88 14:36:56 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life 2.Q
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Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
"What happened?" "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these stops
and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts that
get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time.
One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they had
the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
teach you that you cann't have your Kate and Edith, too."
A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
his honeymoon a chastened husband. He became aware of the will of the wisp.
A young husband with an inferiorty complex insisted he was just a little
pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save
your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. She's
a women who conks to stupor.
Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Real-estate man: Would you like to see a model home?
Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?
It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
bad legs should stick to long shirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
It's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep.
A bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun:
He sizes all the cuties up and never Mrs. one.
The bank sent our stement this morning.
The sheet was a sight of great awe.
It figures and mine might have balanced,
But my wife was too quick on the draw.
Penn's aunts made great pies at low prices. No one else in town could
compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
During the American Revolution tried to rai a farm. He stumbled across
a rock on the ground and fell, then an agressive Rhode Island Red hoped on
top. The farmer came out at this moment and commented, "Check catch a Tory."
A wife started serving chopped meat, monday hamburger, tuesday meat
loaf, wednesday tartar steak, and thrusday meatballs. On Friday the morning
asked her, "How now, ground cow?"
A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
The chef answered, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
never reveal our sauce."
J. Paul Getty was thinking about opening an Italian restaurant, the
name, "Sp Getty."
The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."
On April Fools day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes.
She blew her stack.
A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring curry.
A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had
the volley of the Dills.
A banker fell over board. His friends couldn't find a life preserver.
One asked, "Can you float alone?"
The women at one college called a would be romeo a great natural athlete.
He makes every broad jump.
A filibuster, throughing your wait around.
Molly invented a stainless-steel sink. It's called the Unbrownable Molly Sink.
A reverend wanted to call another reverend. He told the operator, this
is a parson to parson call.
A farmer with lots of chickens posted the following sign. "Free Chickens.
Our Coop Runneth Over."
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.
Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. Mort is the expert. Bill
is not the rigger Mort is.
Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
The judge fined the offender fifty dollars and told him if he was caught
again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
A rock store was closed by the police, they were taking too much for granite.
A man who keep stealing mopids was an obvious cycle-path.
A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
during a raid at the house of a mobster. His excuse, "I was making a bolt for the door."
A farm in the country side had seven turkeys, it was known as the house
of seven gobbles.
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales at breakfast one saturday morning.
His wife asked "What have you got there?" "Just my cup and Chaucer."
A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it platoonic.
Max told his friend he didn't want to go for a hike in the hills. "I'm
an anti-climb Max."
Known as a tough, nasty umpire, the man in a foul mood upon walking
into his home asked his son to come sit on his lap, "Not now dad, GI Joe
is still on." The son never sits on a Brutish Umpire.
A new wagon designed for LA rush hour traffic is called the Stationary wagon.
An Uncle died, left several hundred clocks to a niece, she's busy winding up the estate.
A Texan down on the range is suing for a divorce. He found his dear
and an interloper playing.
Two cheerleaders ended up married, they met by chants.
Two cans of paint got married, later the bride whispered, "Darling,
I think I'm pigment."
Two boy silkworms pursued a luscious girl silkworm. They ended up in a tie.
A doctor told the boy, "This injection won't hurt a bit." That's an MD promise.
Advice to ice skaters: You can't always tell a brook by its cover.
A guru hops around often, he's known as the Kan Guru.
A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge
was recluse driving.
What do they call a man who builds twenty boats a month? Sir Launchalot.
The clerks of a store went on strike. Things were fine until the owner
found out one of the picketers had had smallpox. The owner called the union,
"This time you've gone to far. My picket has been pocked."
A swami stopped in at the butcher shop and asked for butcher for a pound
of liver, but the dishonest butcher weighed down upon the swami's liver.
A prospector marched into an assayer's office and planted two huge nuggests
on the counter. "Well, don't just stand there, assay something!"
Indian Chief Shortcake died, so Squaw bury Shortcake.
An Indian family with sixteen kids was just one big Hopi family.
A fortune-teller started laughing seconds after looking into his crystal
ball. The client hit him. "Why did you do that" "My mother always told
me to strike a happy medium."
An American family sent some poor cousins in East Germany a package
of food. Weeks later when they heard it still had not arrived, cabled the
cousins with "Cheer up, the wurst is yet to come."
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Borrowed and modified from Arkady Shevchenko's autobiography.
A man walks into Red Square on day screaming "Gorbachov's an idiot!
Gorbachov's an idiot." Well, the KGB chased him around for awhile until
they finally caught him. They immediately took him to court where the
judge decided on his sentence. The poor fellow was given exactly 10 years
and seven days in jail. Two days for disturbing the peace, five days for
insulting the leader, and ten years for revealing a state secret!!!
An inspector was making the rounds of the communal farms in his district,
and he approached a potato farmer. "How was the potato harvest this season,
comrade?" he demanded. "Excellent, excellent," exclaimed the farmer, "our
potatoes could be piled high enough to reach the toe of God!" A bit taken
aback, the inspector said, "But comrade, this is the Soviet Union; there
is no God." Replied the farmer, "That's no problem, because there aren't
any potatoes, either."
"In News, there is no truth; and in Truth there is no news."
I guess it makes more sense in russian.. Pravda is truth, and Isvestia is
news. The two big Soviet papers: Pravda and Isvestia.
Seems the Department of Information Services (Ministry of Propaganda) was out
in the field, taking 'the Rewolution" to the people: explaining the fundamentals
of Socialism to the populace to bolster popularity. A member of the Department
was out talking to a farmer in Siberia...
Official: So you see, comrade, dat it iz de way Marx explained: "From each
according to his abilities, to each according to his needs." You understand?
Farmer: (confused) Nyet...
O: OK. Iz like dis: Say a comrade has two cows. Ve take one cow from him and
give it to comrade that has no cow. Dat is de Rewolution. You see?
F: (Happily) Da, Da! Iz good!
O: And if a comrade has two tractors, ve take one of his tractors and give to
man who has no tractors. Da?
F: (Very excited) Da! Da! Is WERY good!
O: And if a comrade has two cheekens, ve give one cheeken to man who has no
cheekens. Da?
F: Nyet! Iz not good!
O: Vy iz not good?
F: (Despondently) I have two cheekens...
A badger is quietly walking through Red Square. He sees two rabbits,
running just as fast as they can, come from one street.
Badger: "Wait! Why are you running!?"
Rabbit 1: "The KGB is arresting all the camels!"
Badger: "But you're rabbits!"
Rabbit 2: "Yeah, but try telling the KGB that!"
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Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "Go to hell" in such a way that
he looks forward to the trip.
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Knock, knock. Who's there? Acid. Acid who? Acid down and be quiet.
Ammmonia. Ammonia who? Ammonia bird in a gilded cage.
Barbara. Barbara who? Barbara black sheep, have you any wool...?
Barry. Barry who? Barry me not on the lone prairie.
Cereal. Cereal who? Cereal pleasure to meet you.
Dennis. Dennis who? Dennis, anyone?
Dwaine. Dwaine who? Quick, dwain the bathtub, I'm dwowning!
Egypt. Egypt who? Egypt me and I want my mummy back!
The invisble man. Well, tell him I can't see him.
Irish stew. Irish stew who? Irish stew in the name of the law.
You're a lady. You're a lady who? I didn't know you could yodel.
Q. Why did the moron throw the butter out the window?
A. Because he wanted to see a butterfly.
Q. Why did the little moron throw margarine out of
the window?
A. He wanted to see an imitation butterfly.
Q. Why did the little moron throw his clock out
of the window?
A. He wanted to see time fly.
Q. Why did the little moron drive his truck off a cliff?
A. He wanted to test his air brakes.
Q. What did the little moron do when he learned that
he was going to die?
A. He went into the living room.
Q. Why did the little moron drive his car into a tree?
A. He wanted to hear its bark.
Q. The little moron and his friend were climbing up a
cliff. His friend fell off. Why didn't the little
moron fall off as well?
A. Because he was a little mor(e) on.
It was three o'clock in the morning when the moron's
phone rang, so he trudged from his seventh-floor bedroom
all the way down to the ground-floor drawing-room to
answer it.
"Hello?", said the moron.
"Hello" said the voice at the other end. "Is that
one-one-one-one-one-one?"
"No", said the moron. "This is eleven-eleven-eleven."
"Oh," said the voice at the other end, "I must have the
wrong number. I'm terribly sorry for disturbing you."
"Oh, that's all right", said the moron. "I had to get
up anyway to answer this blasted phone!"
Q. Why did the very little moron drown in the kitchen sink?
A. He was trying to learn tap dancing.
Q. How can you tell when a little moron has been using your
terminal?
A. There's white-out all over the screen.
The little moron was strolling downtown one day
when he spotted a man walking in the opposite direction
who was being followed by twenty penguins. The man had
a worried look on his face, which is perfectly normal
because everyone knows how dangerous a bunch of penguins
can be if cornered.
"What are you doing?" asked the little moron.
"I'm supposed to take these penguins to the zoo, but
if I do, I'll miss my appointment. Would it be possible
for you to take them there for me?" the man asked.
"No problem", replied the little moron.
About three hours later, the man was on the way out of his
meeting when he saw the little moron going the other way, away
from the zoo, and behind him followed the twenty penguins.
The man ran over to meet him.
"What do you think you're doing?" asked the man.
"Well, I took the penguins to the zoo like you wanted,
but they got tired, so now I'm taking them to a movie!"
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Why did the turtle cross the road???
To get to the Shell station!!!
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A newspaper headline: "Escaped Leopard Believed Spotted!"
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Los Angeles Times, February 8:
At 3,998 meters, the Fletschhorn just fails to make the exclusive club of
a string of peaks known as the "4,000ers," such as the 4,478-meter Matterhorn.
A surprising number of mountain climbers decide against climbing the Fletschhorn
because it is a couple of meters short of of 4,000. This represents a loss
of revenue for local merchants, who have decided to spend $72,000 to add
some rocks to the top of the Fletschhorn to take it up to 4,000 meters.
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Daffynitions
Meter maid: Windshield viper ?
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Subject: Swiftiers
"No negroes allowed!" Jim crowed.
"You can do it!" Pep talked.
"She sure is feisty!" Tom bouyed.
"This is a feline smilee." Tom catted.
"This is a *wild* feline smilee." Bob catted.
"He is tall, dark and handsome." Dee scribed.
"I want to have your children!" Dee sired.
"I'm reporting that graffitti." Dee filed.
"I'm going to lure them out." said Dee coyly.
"I'll vote for him." Dee sided.
"To pee or not to pee?" the Miss quoted.
"Of course I'll cooperate." Al lied.
"I heard a rumor about you." Al edged.
"This is how we program." Flo charted
"Follow me." the Miss led. (okok, so "Cool and the Gang" thought it up first)
"This is a soft bed." Matt rested.
"This isn't digital." Anna logged.
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You might have noticed the news story yesterday from Leesburg, Va, (where
the Xerox training center is and from where I am writing), about a baby being
born from a frozen embryo:
Would this kid always wear a sweater, like even in the shower?
Would he look at things in a particular way, such as, when asked about the
paint for a wall, say, 'I think we need something warmer.'
Would he, when buying a new car, first ask about the heater?
Shy away from refrigerators?
Be active in the movement to eliminate freon from the environment?
Make others raise their eyebrows when,, later in life at cocktail parties,
he would get concerned as ice cubes melted?
Would they never let their tongues touch metal, for fear it would stick?
Would cryogenic storage after death be like a return to the womb?
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Oppurtunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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