Date: 5 Sep 88 14:44:28 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 3.D
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Capitalism is the unequal distribution of wealth.
Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
A liberal always has both feet firmly planted in the clouds.
A Democrat is someone who would be a Republican if he had the money.
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Management's biggest problem is all the unemployed people on the payroll.
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At a meeting in an Iron Curtain country, a party member, Comrade Dobrinsky,
got up from his seat and said, "Comrade Leader, I have only three questions
to ask. If we are the greatest industrial nation in the world, what happened
to our automobiles? If we have the best agriculture in the world, what has
happened to our bread? If we are the finest cattle raisers in the world,
what has happened to our meat?" The party chairman stared at Comrade Dobrinsky
for a moment, then declared, "It is too late to reply to your questions tonight.
I will answer tham at our next meeting." When the meeting opened the following
week, another party member rose and said, "I have just one question. What
happened to Comrade Dobrinsky?"
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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day about the
fact that in many languages, such as English, a double negative forms
a positive, while in other languages, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative. "However," he pointed out, "in no language can
a double positive form a negative."
A bored voice from the back of the room responded, "Yeah, yeah...."
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And from an experiment in language translations, two computers were
programmed to translate English to Russian and back. One would translate
an English phrase to Russian, and the other would translate the Russian
back to English. One result:
Input: The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
Output: The vodka is good but the meat is rotten.
Input: Out of sight, out of mind.
Output: Invisible idiot.
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I saw a sign by the St. Louis Arch that said
NO PARKING BEYOND THIS POINT
The funny part about it was it was it was out in about 3ft. of water
I don't know about you but I really don't need a sign to tell me
not to park out beyond three ft. of water. And this was even a
time that the water was down at its 20yr lowest
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Saw this sign by my house:
¬
| |
+-------------------+
| NO PARKING |
+-------------------+
| |
+-------------------+
| NO DOUBLE PARKING |
+-------------------+
| |
Either the people who put up the sign were tired of parkers or they just
decided to let people park and forgot to take down the sign!
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The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge (Massachusetts) via
Massachusetts Avenue is commonly know as the Harvard Bridge. When it
was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge school
that could present the best claim for the honor. Harvard submitted an
essay detailing its contributions to education in America, concluding
that it deserved the honor of having a bridge leading into Cambridge
named for the institution. MIT did a structural analysis of the bridge
and found it so full of defects that they agreed that it should be named
for Harvard.
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Re: Interesting facts about Eastern Religions
Which reminds me of the joke of why do Indians hate IBM 3350 disk drives?
Answer: Too many seeks
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Up in the north west, every now and then for fun, cowboys will go round
up large herd of moose. One young man lost his horse, and "borrowed" his
neighbors roan only to find out that a stolen roan gathers no moose.
A research scientist found out he could make an incrediable strong material
out of cashew nuts. He built a car out of this ceramic stuff and arranged
to have it tested for safety. In order to keep it a secret it told the testers
it was made of an alley he had built at home. After days of running it fifty
miles an hour into brick walls and surviving the scientist finally admited
to potential investers that "Mah hammered alley is really cashews clay."
A man who lived in Hollywood was working on his garage doors, using
a spanner to get the springs at the right tension, when the star who lived
next door came over. He was supper mad at having learned his show was canceled.
The first man gave the star the spanner and said "Just his the ground until
some of the anger leaves." Ten minutes later all that was left was a star
mangled spanner.
A city slicker was up in Alaska on his first kayak trip. After a great
day, the guide showed him how to bring the kayak out of the water, unload
it, and set up camp. The next day the city slicker found his kayak had small
bits of ice on his. So he dragged it closer to the fire to be warmed out,
but it caught fire and burned. Which only goes to prove you cant have your
kayak and heat it too.
The farmers son had gone of to silicon valley, studied computers, and
become something of an expert in workstation software. But he found he missed
the farming life, so he bought a farm in Gilory, almost an hour south of
work. Now he is a typical guru and tiler too.
A coffin was being moved when it fell on a wagon, and started down the
hill. One of the morticians started chasing it, as it rolled pass the hospital,
the mortician yelled to one of the men with a black bag, "Doc, quick, give
me something to stop this coffin."
Poor Fred had growed up in the shadow of his older brother Mort. Mort
was good at everything. Fred fell in love with sailing, and after months
at working to learn how to sail found he still wasn't the rigger Mort is.
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Which reminds me of a similar story. A weekend subdivision in San Jose
with a guy wrenching his car. After he got done, he put GASOLINE in the
washing machine to get the grease out of his clothes. After the washer
was through, he tossed them into the dryer - right? right. BLAM...
Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was
becoming bothersome to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party.
And yet another guest went over and inquired, "Well, how are you
feeling these days?"
"Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've
missed seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
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My own favorite was Daedalus' proposal to coat the streets with
contact sensitive epoxy. In New York, for example, most traffic
congestion is secondary to double-parked cars. The glue, developed by
the chemists at DREADCO, does not set on moving surfaces, and can
be formulated to set at varying times of continuous contact. Hence
10-minute glue in no-stopping zones would mean that if one loitered more
than 10 minutes, one's tires would be permanently fastened to the road
surface. It is ideal that not only does the punishment fit the crime,
but that the punishment is caused by the crime.
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The sentences below are well-known sayings disguised in "elegant" English.
These are posted here solely for your amusement. Do not send me your
solutions; I know the answers.
[Shamelessly stolen from The Dell Big Book of Crosswords and Pencil Puzzels]
1. Be admonished that an equine presented as a donation should not be espied
orally.
2. An inefficient, excessive amount of speed accelerates the possibility of
creating loss.
3. Though numerous are summoned, many less than a majority are ultimately
selected.
4. It is impossible to instruct a canine codger in unfamiliar maneuvers.
5. A slender utensil utilized for its dye-depositing qualities is several
factors more powerful than the sinuous, sharp-edge, hand-held object
employed for purposes of attack and defense.
6. One with little common sense and the barter means possessed thereof are
assuredly certain to travel in opposing directions in an immediate manner.
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LIME IS A GREEN-TASTING ROCK
============================
Take one class of elementary school students, mix it thoroughly with several
pounds of scientific facts, then shake it up with a examination and you have
the perfect formula for instant "youngsterisms" about science.
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essasys, exams
and classroom discussion; most were from fifth- and sixth-graders. They
illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting information
comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."
Question: What is one horsepower?
Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse
500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to
getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When
planets do it we say they are orbiting.
While the Earth seems to be knowingly keep its distance from the sun, it is
really only centrificating.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back
into a sun in the daytime.
One hundred humidities equal 1 rain.
Question: In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a
height of 1,000 feet?
Answer: I have never performed this experiment.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees
between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and
south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
Hard mud is called shale. Soft mud is called gooey.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Find them all means living forever.
There is a termendious (no spelling mistake) weight pressing down on the centre
of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.
Lime is a green tasting rock.
Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be
oil.
A fossil is a dead bone.
Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't why you
should.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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