Date: 22 Sep 88 09:45:20 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life 3.E
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Heisenberg might have slept here.
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``If a train station is where the train stops, what's a work station?
Roger B. Dannenberg
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Some fun signatures (The stuff at the end of an article):
As far as I know, Intel has no official opinion on Green Lantern
continuity and other such matters... so any opinions expressed are
simply my own (and they are the correct opinions, I might add).
i know i'm a bad speller, don't waste FlameWidth pointing out old news
intel agrees with this, but not necessarly anything above the line.
[Rick Busdiecker's plan file, Michael.Mauldin@G.GP.CS.CMU.EDU, and Christopher
Garrigues [7thSon@SPAR.SLB.COM], along with those named above, were each
responsible for bringing this message one step closer to you, but the gruesome
electronic mail details have been suppressed. Ed]
The opinions above are solely those of a 12 year old hacker who has broken
into my account, and not those of my employer or any other organization.
Should the opinions expressed above be those of someone else besides the
author.. Well.. it ain't my fault.
"Opinions expressed herein were not mine originally, but
were forced on me at gunpoint by the Interactive Systems
Corporation"
Disclaimer: My mind is so fragmented by random excursions into a
wilderness of abstractions and incipient ideas that the practical
purposes of the moment are often submerged in my consciousness and I
don't know what I'm doing.
[my employers certainly have no idea]
Richard Harter, SMDS Inc. [Disclaimers not permitted by company policy.]
[I set company policy.]
"The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of my employer,
not necessarily mine, and probably not necessary."
The opinions in this article are my own, and not those of the voices
which tell me what to do.
DISCLAIMER: All grammatical and spelling errors are inserted
deliberately to test the software I am developing. In fact, that is
the only reason I am posting. Yeah, that's the ticket! All my
postings are just test data! Yeah!!
Disclaimer: the above is the author's personal opinion and is not the
opinion or policy of his employer or of the little green men that
have been following him all day.
Disclaimer: The views of my employer do not conform to my views, or to any
accepted standard of logic that the Greeks thought up anyway...
-- Disclaimer: These aren't mere opinions... these are *values*.
My opinions! Do you hear? MINE! Not JPL's.
This is not an official statement of Hewlett-Packard Corp., and does not
necessarily reflect the views of HP. It is provided completely without warranty
of any kind. Lawyers take 3d10 damage and roll a saving throw vs. ego attack.
Disclaimer: All opinions herein are fictitious, any similarity to real
opinions, living or dead, is coincidental.
DISCLAIMER: My opinion is a poor thing, but mine own. Any
similarity to any others' opinion, living or dead, is coincidental.
The facts expressed here belong to everybody, the opinions to me. The dis-
tinction is yours to draw...
The facts expressed here belong to everybody, the opinions to me. Now, who
among us can tell the difference? RSD@sei.cmu.edu
Disclaimer: "The above opinions are those of a large rodent with sharp teeth"
Please note that these are my own private opinions and do not necessarily
reflect the views of Xerox Corporation. Actually, I cannot tell a lie, they are
not my opinions at all, they are the opinions of the little green men who come
out of the walls at night and stick wires in my head.
Opinions (as above) are like noses: everyone has one, and most smell.
Disclaimer: Anything not explicitly labelled as fact
is my own opinion.
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."
-- Philip K. Dick
"It was unintelligible at any speed we played it."
-- A US Government report investigating
possible bad words in "Louie Louie"
"Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill."
"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question....
....or is it?"
It brings to mind Alan Gopin's generic comment,
"It seems to be vague, but is in fact meaningless."
"Yes, my name is Stewart, and I assure you I can speak,
And lately I find myself astounded at the sort of company
you keep.../ One thing further I must mention, of this fact
I cannot understand/ Is your sensational attention at
annoying me with your hand." -- Stewie
... Any queueing system is prone
to breakage, and mail systems are written to be as paranoid as possible
in an effort to prevent this. Automated paranoia makes for big programs.
How can angels fall asleep when the devil leaves his porch light on?
[Did you ever think about how much your cities actually weigh?
To search for perfection is all very well,
But to look for heaven is to live here in hell.
+-------------------------------+
| "VIOLATORS WILL BE TOAD!" |
| Dungeon Police |
--------------------------------+
...Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
.. I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'M fishing.
"What I do is not so much songs as it is exercises in tonal breath control"
when a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always
declares that it is his duty. - GB Shaw
"He who hesitates is lunch"
"Computer Science Considerations"-- BYTE 2/86. An interview with the
developer of TEX and METAFONT, Donald Knuth: "I was excited that I started
out trying to apply computer science to typography and wound up applying
typography to computer science. . ."
"We could always shoot one of the philosophers." - David Gries
If I can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I thought.
remember, if you do it yourself, sooner or later you'll need a bigger hammer
"Pass me the Rap Rod, Plate Captain"
"What?"
"Pass me the telephone, waiter. If you guys were any less hip,
your bums would fall off."
"Watch while the queen in one false move turns herself into a pawn"
The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your hands
and hoping when a rock or a club will do -- McCloctnik the Lucid
"I am sitting in the smallest room in the house. I have your letter [review]
before me. Soon it will be behind me." - Max Reger (1873-1916), a composer
whose music is still little known outside of his native Germany.
I'm growing older but not up... - Jimmy Buffett
"Therefore the younger a guitar is the less stable it is while the older
a guitar is the more stable it becomes. This is essentially because it
takes quite a while for a guitar neck to realize that it is no longer
part of a tree."
"They're directly beneath us, Moriarty. Release the piano!"
"Not looking like Pascal is not a language deficiency!"
At once words appeared on the screen:
"Hello. My name is Hank Thoro II. Please type your name."
"My whole name?" he typed.
"Good. Do you like baseball? Just type Y for Yes or N for No."
--- from "Roderick" by John Sladek
Epigram:
Ada is the 400-pound gorilla of programming languages.
Remember Knuth:
"premature optimization is the root of all evil."
When the going gets wierd, the wierd turn pro!
Standard are industry's way of codifying obsolescence.
"Do not be angry with me if I tell you the truth." -- Socrates
"Tell the Truth and run."--Yugoslav proverb
If you find any *answers* in anything I've said, you've misunderstood me.
"People who are incapable of making decisions are
the ones who hit those barrels at freeway exits."
I love music that sounds like a Conrail locomotive caraeening headlong
into a truckload of Harpsichords.
``There's a fine line between an attitude problem and thinking clearly''
"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
If I had had more time, I could have written you a shorter letter.
-Blaise Pascal
Ignorance is the Mother of Adventure.
`uncontrolled descents into terrain'
"You got it kid -- the large print giveth and the small print taketh away."
Kaden thought of the old Klingon proverb. "Fool me once, shame on
you: fool me twice, prepare to die."
these opinions and others like them are widespread in the culture
I feel like a genocidal maniac when emacs asks me if I want to kill 10789
characters.
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."
"Hi... My name is Hobbes. I'm the product of a malicious 5-year old's
twisted and destructive imagination. Would YOU like to be my friend?"
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use
than eating soup with a knife.
PEART says: "How can anyone be truly enlightened, when the truth
is so poorly lit?"
However paranoid you are, you're probably right.
inquiring gnomes want to mine!
"Somebody's had too much to think"
"If the only tool you have is a hammer, all problems begin to look like
nails."
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their
guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
-- Mark Twain
Don't run faster than your shoes.
-- Scottish saying
"Do not adjust you mind, it is reality that is malfunctioning."
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From Pat Paulsen
"To get to the meat of the matter, I will come right to the point, and
take note of the fact that the heart of the issue in the final
analysis escapes me."
"I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired
of being told that ordinary decent people are fed up in this country
of being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired
of being told that I am."
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From Rich Rosen
Anything's possible, but only a few things actually happen.
Life is complex. It has real and imaginary parts.
"to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day
to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human
being can fight and never stop fighting." - e. e. cummings
Popular consensus says that reality is based on popular consensus.
"If you see this boy", said the ballerina, "do not---I repeat, do not---attempt
to reason with him." Rich Rosen pyuxd!rlr
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From Steven Wright:
"I have a map of the United States that's actual size."
"I was born by Ceasarian Section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just
that when I leave a house, I go out through the window."
"A friend of mine sent me a postcard with a satellite photo of the entire
planet on it, and on the back he wrote, "Wish you were here."
"One night I stayed up playing poker with a tarot deck. I got a full house
and four people died."
"I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
"I bought some powdered water....but I didn't know what to add."
"After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?"
"You can't have everything ... where would you put it?"
"My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912 ...
well, to make a long story short ... "
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Seen on a foreign car...
+------------------------------------------------------+
| Recalls reduce traffic. Buy American. |
+------------------------------------------------------+
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From the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle, September 6, 1988...
COMPLAINT TO 911 LEADS TO ARREST
A Fairport man apparently was upset when sheriff's deputies ripped out a
home-grown marijuana crop, so he called 911 to lodge a complaint.
Instead, he was arrested.
Robert C. Saurini, 43, was charged with first-degree criminal possesion of
marijuana Friday a few days after the call, said sheriff's Sgt. Joseph Marhatta
of the Penfield substation.
Acting on a tip, two deputies went to Saurini's home on Aug. 31, and harvested
about 80 pounds of pot from the yard, Marhatta said.
That evening, someone identifying himself as Saurini called the emergency
communications center. The caller said he wanted to complain to a supervisor
that deputies had taken his marijuana and wanted to get it back, Marhatta said.
A sheriff's supervisor called Saurini and asked him to come in the next day,
but he didn't. Police arrested Saurini on Friday on Lexington Avenue in Rochester,
and he was released on bail.
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A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits
of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and
want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security
lowers your stress and is good for your health.
The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that
when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're
with your wife --- you can do some mathematics.
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During a class of calculus my lecturer suddenly checked himself and
stared intently at the table in front of him for a while. Then he
looked up at us and explained that he thought he had brought six piles
of papers with him, but "no matter how he counted" there was only five
on the table. Then he became silent for a while again and then told
the following story:
"When I was young in Poland I met the great mathematician Waclaw
Sierpinski. He was old already then and rather absent-minded. Once he
had to move to a new place for some reason. His wife wife didn't trust
him very much, so when they stood down on the street with all their
things, she said:
- Now, you stand here and watch our ten trunks, while I go and get a
taxi.
She left and left him there, eyes somewhat glazed and humming
absently. Some minutes later she returned, presumably having called
for a taxi. Says Mr Sierpinski (possibly with a glint in his eye):
- I thought you said there were ten trunks, but I've only counted to nine.
- No, they're TEN!
- No, count them: 0, 1, 2, ..."
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Two male mathematiciens are in a bar.
The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little
about basic mathematics.
The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a
reasonable amount of math.
The first mathematicien goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the
second calls over the waitress.
He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he
will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer
one third x cubed.
She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'.
Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees,
and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'.
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point,
that most people do know something about basic math.
He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first
laughingly agrees.
The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral
of x squared?'.
The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns
back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'!
Lynn Marshall, Universite Catholique de Louvain, Belgium
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This morning, one of our users told me of something he'd read
about businesses and UNIX. It appears that many businesses are buying
UNIX rather than VMS (thereby annoying DEC) because of it's simplicity
in generating reports and other day-to-day business applications.
He was wondering if we could get this wonderfully simple UNIX, to
replace the complicated and confusing UNIX we currently have.
----------------------------------------------------
One of my favorite stupid tourist stories was way back when, I was running
a tour bus inbetween Madrid and Malaga with a bunch of American tourists.
Of course, the bus broke down somewhere in the middle of nowhere, and we had
to stay in this little hamlet, populated mostly by yeggs, I swear. Anyway,
one of the ladies (remember tweetie-birds grandma? I swear it was her)
decided that she absolutly had to get something to eat and, before I could
stop her, grabbed the nearest macho male and, in (almost passable) Spanish,
asked him "Sabes donde estan las grocerias?" (Do you know where the dirty
jokes are?). The man double over in laughter, and I giggled a bit (I had
heard it before), and explained the word was "verdadures" (greens). She
immeadiately regretted her words, turned red and, when the man stopped
laughing, said "Me siento mucho." (I am sorry), and topped it off with
"Estoy tanta embarazada!" (I am so pregnant), which set not only me and him
off, but most of the spanish crowd that had gathered to see what the
fuss was about.
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--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page