Date: 21 Nov 88 13:50:53 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life 3.R
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bumper snicker: "If my car were a horse, I would shoot it."
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Did you hear about the new Masochist's Dictionary?
It's not in alphabetical order!
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He also talked about smokers who claim it doesn't bother them:
But walk up two flights of stairs with them and you're talking to Darth
Vader. Hunnnn-onnnnn, hunnnn-onnnn. Luke, you must join the dark side.
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Funny telephone answering machine messages:
"We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please
leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express
account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval."
"You have reached the [city],[state] Strategic Air Command Nuclear
Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right
now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of
targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day."
"Hello?" [pause for a few seconds] "Sorry, he's not here right now,
but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you."
"Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you
leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can."
[imitating Ensign Chekov]
"Oh, sair...it was *Khan*! He made us say things...do things...he
kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you
leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as
he can!" [BEEP]
[imitating Mr. Rogers]
"Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone.
Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?
Sure...I knew you could." [BEEP]
Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing
with that frying pan?!?
BONK [really loud thud]
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.
"Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?"
"This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment,
please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking)
Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."
"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's
not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"
A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while
the STAR TREK theme plays in the background.
1: Room 17, the final frontier.
2: These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its 2 semester
mission: to seek out your name and your telepohne number.
3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
(Annoying flute music in background)
Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name,
number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct
in thirty seconds.
Good Luck, Jim.
"Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right
now, but if you leave your name ...", etc.
"Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone
right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll
have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in
next week's National Enquirer."
In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music
[In a soft voice] Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession.
At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get
back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. [Beep]
Hi this is [name]. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.
A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out for
beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely,
horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING
BETTER."
I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather
reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call
first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the phone with:
" Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking."
" Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG)
" Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
" Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct:
T minusone minute and counting"
And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of the
local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with that phone.
"Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is
a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?"
(silence...click)
"Vancouver coastguard, may I help you." British long distance rates are
phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had managed
to make a long distance call by dialing five digits.
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High above the Mississippi,
Standing in plain view,
There is an old abandoned outhouse,
Known as LSU.
Ooooh the odor,
Ooooh the odor,
Oh what a terrible smell.
Before I'd go to LSU, I'd rather got to Hell.
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Originally-From: aurenz%tle.DEC@decwrl.dec.com (Scot Aurenz, zko2-3/n30)
The Five Yorkshiremen: The Next Generation
Y1: Who would've thought that we'd be on a ship that could separate
in times of battle and keep most of the crew safe? I remember
when the whole ship used to go to yellow alert every time we
entered an ion storm.
Y2: You were lucky. We had to go to double yellow alert whenever
the captain fell into an obelisk, came out thinking he was a
god, and married an Indian woman.
Y3: You were lucky. We had to go to yellowish-red alert every time
a woman came on board and stole the first officer's brain.
Y4: You were lucky to have a woman on board. We had to go to red alert
when we were attacked by a mutant salt creature disguised as a woman.
Y5: Luxury! We had to go to double red alert every time the captain
found an overloading phaser in his quarters.
Y1. Oh, we used to dream of having an overloading phaser in the captain's
quarters. We had to go to triple red alert every time the blood-
sucking gas cloud got into the ship through impulse vent number two.
Y2: You were lucky. We had to go to quadruple red alert, blow up our own
ship, steal a Klingon bird of prey (which doesn't even have a red
alert), go to Vulcan to revive the dead captain, go back in time
and get two whales, come back and crash land in San Francisco Bay,
all on a Klingon triple black alert.
Y3: And if you'd try to tell that to these young officers today, they
wouldn't believe you.
Others: Nope. No they wouldn't.
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The following is quoted from an interview with Freeman Dyson
in the Spring 1988 TECHNE Journal of Technological Studies from the
VTS department at Stanford.
There are lots of idiots, of course, in NASA, but my view of NASA
is rather like the Royal Air Force used to be in the old days
when I worked for the Royal Air Force during the war. If you had an
officer who was a dud, you put him in the command headquarters because
he would do less damage there than he would out in the squadrons.
So all the duds accumulated at the headquarters -- this is what has
happened at NASA for the last thirty years or so. Acutally, there are
lots of very fine things, but they're all out in the stations. If
you look at JPL out here in California, or you look at Goddard which is
in Maryland, they're doing very well. I think JPL is running the Voyager
missions, which of course have been beautifully done. The Voyager went
to Jupiter and Saturn and Uranus and will go to Neptune next year.
That's a fantastically good mission, which is run at JPL, and then there is
the IUE, run at Goddard. So there are these very good, what NASA calls,
the centers, these places where the technical work is done. And there
is this terrible bunch of idiots in Washington at the headquarters which
messes everything up. So I think if you just abolish the Washington
office, NASA would be in very good shape.
We actually tried that out during World War II. There was a very
analogus problem we had in 1943. The German armaments industry was
doing very well, they were producing a tremendous lot of armaments and
we wanted to put a stop to that. We found out thtat all the head
offices of these armament firms were in Dusseldorf and that was where
all the paperwork was done. So we decided we would really destroy
Dusseldorf and disorganize the whole system. We went in there one
night and it was a very succesful operation and Dusseldorf really burned
down to the ground. And then, in the next few weeks, the armament
production went up like a rocket.
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Dear Mother and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss
in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having
written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,
please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get
those sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant
at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire
department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since
I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough
to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room,
but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in
love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but
it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
to being grrandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the
love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a chld. The reason
for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection
which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly
caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections
I am taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and
although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different
race and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will not
permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker
than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is
good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the
village in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was
no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was
not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have
syphillis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting
a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks
in the proper perspective.
Yours-
Your Loving Daughter
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A ninja instructor and student were sitting in a hovel somewhere
deep in Secret Forest. They had just returned from another 12 hour
instructional binge at the local 16-plex theater.
The instructor spake unto the student, "you must study well the ways
of the movie ninja. Indeed his prowess is well beyond my humble
abilities. Here is a list of talents you must learn."
1. The Spiderman death trick - a true ninja can climb vertical
surfices without any visible means of support; sometimes they can even
stick to the roof.
2. The deadly bionic throwing star - a true ninja can throw a star
several hundred meters through several pieces of wood and the
occasional car door and still chop a quarter in half
3. The fabulous energy absorbing death roll - a true ninja can jump
off of a ten story building onto hard concrete and roll once to absorb
the impact
4. The reverse camera death trick - a true ninja can leap vertically
into a tall tree and land precisely on a specific branch
5. High performance forward death leap - a true ninja can leap over
speeding cars, between fan blades, across huge lava pits, and through
brick walls.
6. The deadly carbon steel denture trick - a true ninja can
simultaneously catch an speeding arrow on each hand and a bullet in
the teeth. A truer ninja can then throw (spit) these back and kill
his attackers with them. An even truer ninja can do this blindfolded
in the dark. A real stud ninja can catch small cannon shells in his
teeth too.
7. The flying death dealing vegamatic - a true ninja armed with only
a can opener can kill 50 highly trained heavily armed opponents in as
many seconds.
8. The death glare - a true ninja can shake the stoutest opponent to
his very soul with but a glance. Heart attacks, strokes, and instant
epilepsy are an added bonus.
9. The iron palm of death - a true ninja can smash locks and powder
bricks with a single slap of the palm. It is not strictly necessary
for the locks or bricks to be in the same room; contact with any
convenient surface will allow the energy to be transmitted to the
target.
10. The most undeath like pain trick - a true ninja can withstand
being shot with high power rifles several hundred times before he
starts to seriously bleed. It takes a small atomic blast (or another
ninja) to kill a ninja.
11. The continued refusal to die trick - a true ninja can continue to
rise from the dead as a ghost or by possessing a victim for an
indefinite number of sequels.
12. The ever classic explosive death smoke bombs - a true ninja must
always keep a ready supply of smoke bombs. The bombs allow a true
ninja to: instantly teleport, replicate, summon aid from beyond the
grave, become invisible, create words in the air, and other slightly
useful tricks.
The instructor the spake, "learn these well and you will be one badass
dude my son." With those parting words, the instructor vanished in a
flash of light. All that remained were a perfectly cleaned and
pressed pile of ninja clothes.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
Back to my Life Humor Page
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