Date: 8 Dec 88 15:39:02 PST (Thursday)
Subject: Life 4.3
------------------------------
One I heard a long time ago from National Review was questioning the need for a
new constitution in the Soviet Union, the present one being like new, having
never been used...
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IBM - I Bought a Machintosh
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Actually, I hear there is a new miracle drug which is being tested as a cure
for incorrigible punsters: PUNICILLIN
------------------------------
This is not a joke, but it is funny. When I was in high school taking a
literature class, we came across an author for whom we had to know something
about Hell. In our discussion, the instructor asked "Does anyone know the
capital city of Hell?" (correct answer: Pandemonium) One guy on the far side
of the room raised his hand and answered (tone of voice indicates this is a
question we should have all known by heart): "Ottawa!"
He actually didn't know why we were laughing....
------------------------------
On the Boston University campus there is a 3-tower highrise dorm with a common
dining hall, built over a parking garage. This dorm is officially named
"Warren Towers", and houses over 1,500 students, typically underclassmen.
Being at 700 Commonwealth Avenue, it is more commonly known simply as "Seven
Hundred". Said address is displayed on the glass panels over the entrance in
simple digits:
--- -- --
/ | | | |
/ | | | |
/ -- --
Invariably, every year, some enterprising students would take masking tape to
the numbers and transform them into a much more appropriate name for the place,
which read:
--- -- --
/ | | | |
/ | | | |
--- -- --
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Even rarer than the Shiite moslems are the Rari moslems. While observing most
of the strict behavioral rules of the various moslem religions, they have one
additional stricture : no man shall accept payment for service, only for
goods.
This obviously gives their waiters, bellhops, and the like significant trouble.
In order to keep them alive, a ritual has developed : rather than placing the
tip openly on the plate or table, the waiter is distracted ("Look behind you!
It's Halley's Comet!"), the tip is thrown on the floor, the waiter looks back,
and finds a gift from Allah on the floor.
After two Americans had dinner in the Rari province of Surikistan, one, being
ignorant of local customs, places the coins on the table. His friend sees this,
grabs the coins, gestures to the waiter, shouts "Look, isn't that Yasir Arafat
going into the men's room?", and tosses the coins on the floor. The waiter
turns back, picks up the coins, and leaves.
After this was over, the first asks "Why in hell did you do that? What was the
matter with where I put the money?"
"Why, its the wrong way to tip a Rari."
------------------------------
Oh, give me a home,
Where the Buffalo roam,
and the Deer and the Antelope play.
Where seldom is heard,
a discouraging word,
'cause what can an Antelope say?
------------------------------
Opportunity- A good chance that always looks bigger going than coming
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If you want to know how many friends you have, just buy a cottage on a lake
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One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that
one's work is terribly important
------------------------------
In spite of the cost of living it's still popular
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What a big gap there is between advice and help
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Only two groups of people fall for flattery- men and women
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Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town
gossip
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Miracles are great, but they are so damned unpredictable
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The drive-in bank was established so that the real owner of a car could get to
see it once in a while
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"Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced."
------------------------------
It seems that Bobby Knight decided he needed a new suit of Plaid cloth, and
proceeded to shop about Bloomington to find one. As he soon found, his
desired style of plaid was no longer made into fine suits which meant he must
find the cloth and then seek a tailor. While browsing at JoAnne's Fabrics he
found the perfect plaid cloth. The fabric store lady, who waited on him,
informed Bobby this was their last bolt of this particular plaid cloth but
surely there was enough to make his suit.
Bobby was ecstatic and sought to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited
looked at the cloth and measured Bobby; then told him the cloth was only
enough to make a pair of trousers and maybe a vest. Bobby was unhappy with
this opinion and sought another tailor in Indianapolis. This tailor informed
him that a pair of trousers and maybe a coat could be made from the cloth.
Bobby was indeed very unhappy since he wanted a full suit.
Bobby was finally referred to a friendly tailor in Lafayette who looked
carefully at the bolt of cloth and measured Bobby Knight; then smiled proudly
and proclaimed there was no problem. The cloth was enough to make 2 pair of
trousers, a coat and a vest. Bobby was very happy but perplexed. "Just how
can you make me a full suit when other tailors could not?" asked Bobby. "It's
very easy." replied the tailor "You are not as big a man here as in some
places."
------------------------------
A true Bobby Knight story recalled as best as can be remembered form the
'Morning Briefing' section of the L.A. Times;
In the '80 Olympics, the U.S. basketball team, coached by Bobby Knight, played
and beat the Chinese team handily.
When asked about the win, Bobby said "It was a lot of fun playing the Chinse,
but an hour later, we wanted to play them again."
------------------------------
One day, after I logged in to my CMS account here, I discovered that new mail
was waiting for me in my reader. The lengthy message was prefaced by the
heading:
"From: Mailer@[machine]: Your message could not be sent ..etc" "Reason:
Address unknown..."
Upon scanning this returned letter, I discovered that it had not been written
by me at all, and that the intended recipient and sender were thousands of
miles away, apparently the unfortunate victims of a random mailer screw-up.
The first sentence of that letter, though, I will always remember:
"My dearest Janice:
At last, we have a method of non-verbal communication which is completely
private..."
------------------------------
A nice young worker from Australia Post ( yes they do exist ), was sorting
through her regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as
follows:
GOD
c/o Heaven
Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little old lady who
had never asked for anything in her life, was desperately in need of $100 and
was wondering if God could send her the money.
Well the young lady was deeply touched and made a collection from her fellow
work mates and collected $90 and sent it off to the old lady. A few weeks
later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the young lady opened it and
it read "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it, however I only
received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post Office."
------------------------------
Unified Field Theory
In the beginning there was Aristotle,
And objects at rest tended to remain at rest,
And objects in motion tended to come to rest,
And soon everything was at rest,
And God saw that it was boring.
Then God created Newton,
And objects at rest tended to remain at rest,
And objects in motion tended to remain in motion,
And energy was conserved and momentum was conserved and matter was conserved,
And God saw that it was conservative.
Then God created Einstein,
And everything was relative,
And fast things became short,
And straight things became curved,
And the universe was filled with inertial frames,
And God saw that it was relatively general,
but some of it was especially general.
Then God created Bohr,
And there was the principle,
And the principle was quantum,
And all things were quantified,
But some things were still relative,
And God saw that it was confusing.
Then God was going to create Ferguson,
And Ferguson would have unified,
And he would have fielded a theory,
And all would have been one,
But it was the seventh day,
And God rested,
And things at rest tend to remain at rest.
------------------------------
From Natan Sharansky's memoir, Fear No Evil:
My new cell mate [in Lefortovo Prison] was the former assistant to the minister
of the Soviet automobile industry. . . .
"Was there any discrimination against Jews in your ministry?" I once asked
[him].
"[Yes, of course.] But many of the ministers and other higher-ups are married
to Jewish women. Even Brezhnev." (This was true.) [This former
assistant-minister] and his colleagues even had a theory to explain this
phenomenon: Jewish women didn't permit their husbands to drink, and skillfully
guided their men through the intrigues of officialdom. Several years later, in
the labor camp, I heard a different explanation from a former intelligence
agent, who told me of a secret Zionist women's organization that was working to
infiltrate the highest echelons of the Soviet regime through mixed marriages.
The name of this organization--and here he leaned toward me and whispered--was
Hadassah.
------------------------------
The following is from Dr Peter Gott's column in the 8 Dec edition of the Orange
County Register.
MEDICAL DEFINITIONS
Artery - the study of fine paintings
Barium - what you do when cardiopulmonary resuscitation fails
Caesarian Section- a district in Rome
Colic - a sheepdog
Coma - a punctuation mark
Congenital - friendly
Dilate - to live long
Fester - quicker
G.I. Series - baseball games between teams of soldiers
Grippe - a suitcase
Hangnail - a coat hook
Medical Staff - a doctor's cane
Minor Operation - digging
Morbid - a higher offer
Nitrate - lower than the day rate
Node - was aware of
Organic - musical
Outpatient - a person who has fainted
Post operative - a letter carrier
Secretion - hiding anything
Serology - study of English knighthood
Tablet - a small table
Tumor - an extra pair
Urine - opposite of "You're out"
Varicose Veins - veins that are very close together
------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
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--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
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