Date: 15 Feb 89 16:46:07 PST (Wednesday) Subject: Life 4.8 ------------------------------ For I do not believe that the stars are spread over a spherical surface at equal distances from one center; I suppose their distances from us to vary so much that some are 2 or 3 times as remote as others. -- Galileo ------------------------------ Q: Who is the new mayor of Soviet Armenia? A: Barney Rubble. He won by a landslide... Q: What was his campaign song? A: Good Vibrations. Q: What's his religion? A: He's a Quaker. ------------------------------ ]From Dec 15th '88 Rolling Stone YiR by P.J. O'Rourke: "Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union." ------------------------------ Well not really a joke ... it really happened. At a political agitation meeting at government store that my grandma worked at in the 50s ... one of the shop-hands stood up and asked in complete sincerity the speaker "So are we in 'communism yet, or is it going to get worse?" ... Everyone tried to keep from laughing and the dumbfounded speaker at first tried to give an answer and then just went to the next question :-). ------------------------------ ]From _Hammer and Tickle_, The Golem Press: Low Marks The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background, relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others. A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee." "What kind of family do you come from?" "A rich, Jewish family." "And your wife?" "A German aristocrat." "Have you ever been to the West?" "I spent most of my life in England." "How did you make a living there?" "A friend supported me." "Where did you get the money from?" "He owned a textile factory." "Who was Lenin?" "Never heard of him." "What is your name?" "Karl Marx." Geopolitics In desperation about the housing and food shortage, Novotny consults a gypsy fortune teller. "What shall I do to relieve the overcrowding?" "Open the frontiers to the West!" "And to relieve the food shortage?" "Close them to the East!" ------------------------------ ]From 'The Jokes of Oppression: The Humor of Soviet Jews'. Question: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean? Answer: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukrainians take the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews. ------------------------------ Question: What's meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union? Answer: It's when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party's. ------------------------------ During the period of Stalin's Great Terror in the 1930s, this scenario was frequently heard. "How long are you here for?" the prison guard asked the newly arrived inmate. "Ten Years," the prisoner replied. "What did you do?" asked the guard. "Nothing," came the reply. "That's not possible," said the guard. "For nothing, they give you five years, not ten." ------------------------------ Question: What is the necessary transitional stage between socialism and Communism? Answer: Alcoholism. ------------------------------ The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke. First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize, three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each. ------------------------------ Ivanov was standing in a very long line for vodka. "We have General Secretary Gorbachev to thank for such a long line," one of Ivanov's neighbors in line muttered. "He's making the stuff very scarce." "I can't endure this any more," Ivanov said, walking away. "I'm going to get my rifle and kill Gorbachev." Two hours later Ivanov returned to the line. "What happened?" the others asked. "I decided to get back in this line. It's shorter than the line to kill Gorbachev." ------------------------------ In a dentist's office, the following exchange took place. "How much does it cost to get a tooth pulled in the Soviet Union?" inquired the American tourist. "Three thousand rubles," replied Dr. Khaimovich. "Three thousand rubles! Why so much?" asked the startled American. "Because it isn't such an easy operation in a country where you always have to keep your mouth shut," explained the Soviet dentist. ------------------------------ Three prison inmates were locked in the same cell; they soon began talking. "What are you here for?" asked one inmate of another. "They put me in for beating up some old Jew named Khaimovich," snarled one man. "And why are you here?" asked the second of the first. "For having defended some old Jew named Khaimovich in a fight," he replied. "And what were you arrested for?" the third inmate was asked. "For being Khaimovich," he sighed. ------------------------------ Computer Compassion At last, the first Soviet computer had been produced. The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists. First things first: It went to the institute of Marxism-Leninism. "IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" asked one of its theologists, typing at the keyboard. "YES, IT IS," printed the computer. "BUT IT WOULD BE A PITY TO DESTROY SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY." ------------------------------ Mightier Than the Sword Hell. Napoleon, the Kaiser, and Hitler reminisce. "If I had but a single tank, I would have won at Waterloo," says Napoleon. "A single jet bomber would have made all the difference at Verdun," muses the Kaiser. "All I needed was Pravda," says Hitler. "Had I controlled Pravda, The Russians would not know to this day that I lost the war..." ------------------------------ Too Bad Communist antisemitism is less overt than that of the Nazis. Preaching antisemitism will land one in jail; practicing it will get one a promotion. There are certain jobs that a Jew can never get; but he is never told the real reason why he is rejected. A Jew applied for the job of a mailman. "Can you read English, French, German, and Russian?" asked the personnel manager of the post office. "Yes, I can." "Can you run 100 meters in under 12 seconds?" "Yes, I can." "Can you play a trumpet?" "Yes, I can." "Can you ride a bicycle?" "Yes, I can." "Then we cannot use you. We need a mailman who cannot ride a bicycle." ------------------------------ Answered Rosenberg also wanted to leave the country. "And what is your reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office. "I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and the barbers. "Why the barbers?" "Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave." ------------------------------ Proof Back in Moscow, this Russian gives a lecture on life in the West. "The poverty, comrades! The poverty is simply unimaginable for a Soviet citizen. The shops in Paris are full of the most wonderful goods, but only very few people can afford them: There is not a single queue to be seen anywhere..." ------------------------------ Ex definition The party propagandist delivered a lecture to the assembled employees of a Soviet collective farm. On the bright horizons of Communism, the classless society of which Marx had dreamt and of which the Soviets are still dreaming, a Utopia in which there is no state, and there is abundance for all. Next day, two peasants discuss the lecture. "I didn't understand what he meant by these 'bright horizons' all the time, did you?" "Well, you know what bright is, don't you?" "Sure I know. But what does horizon mean?" "That had me puzzled, too. But I looked it up in the dictionary." "And what did it say?" "A fictitious line between earth and sky, which recedes into the distance as the observer approaches." ------------------------------ (copied from "What's New", newsletter written by Robert L. Park of the American Physical Society and posted in sci.physics) 2. SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE. In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international space research facility in response to US complaints that the radar would violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the US reciprocate by turning the unfinished US embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place. ------------------------------ ]From former chairman of the US Federal Reserve Paul Volcker according to the Wall Street Journal: A parrot fancier who happened into a London pet shop noticed a particularly colorful bird and asked its price. "Five thousand pounds," the shop owner replied. "Five thousand pounds?" the man asked. "Why so much?" "Well, this bird speaks fluent Italian, Spanish and French, is brushing up on his German and starting to study English," came the reply. "With the European Community's unification due in 1992, he'll be a great asset." "I don't care about the Common Market," the parrot fancier said. "What about that gray one in that other cage?" The gray one was 15,000 pounds, he was told, because the bird spoke Arabic, Chinese, and Korean and was learning Japanese -- "the languages of the 21st century." "I'm too old to worry about the 21st century," the frustrated parrot lover replied. "What about that mangy brown one up on that perch in the corner?" The brown one, said the shopkeeper, was 25,000 pounds. "Twenty-five thousand pounds!" exclaimed the customer. "What does he do to worth that?" "We're not sure," the pet-shop owner replied. "But the other two call him chairman." ------------------------------ Boy's Life, Aug 73: Two dumbbells went into a movie theater to see a horse race film. The first dumbbell said to his companion, "I'll bet you $5 that No. 2 will win the race." The second dumbbell agreed to the bet, and the horse won. After the movie, the first dumbbell said, "I have a confession to make I saw the movie yesterday." "The other dumbbell replied, "So did I, but I didn't think he would win twice in a row." ------------------------------ What do you call a knight who drives a rotary engine car? Don Quixote de la Mazda. Once there was a horse named Clyde who had a special problem: Bird kept building nests in his mane. Clyde would shake them off, but while he was asleep, the birds would rebuild them. Finally things got so bad that Clyde went to see a wise old owl for a solution to his problem. The owl said, "Before you go to sleep tonight, put yeast in your mane." So Clyde went home and followed the owl's advice, and when he woke the next morning, the nests were gone. Moral: "Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet." ------------------------------ Some time ago in Scandinavia, there was a near disaster on the railways. It seems that there was a long stretch of track on which a Norwegian engineer was cruising his train on schedule. However, there was a drunken Swedish engineer who confused his schedule and in his inebriated state, was piloting his train in the opposite direction on the same stretch of track! By the time the Norwegian engineer noticed the imminent wreck, it was too late to stop. But there was no wreck, and both trains proceeded to their destinations, because ... Norse is Norse, and souse is souse, and never the twain shall meet! ------------------------------ My sister had knee surgery last year on March 31st, and when the Doctor visited her the next day (April 1st) she told him he had operated on the wrong leg. He was stunned...for about 30 seconds.. My other sister and brother-in-law were involved in the sale of some property at the same time; the realtor was one Marcie Baer. My sister called her husband at work and left a message for him to call Ms. Baer along with the Buffalo Zoo's phone number. "Hello, may I speak to Ms. Baer?" "I think someone's playing an April Fool's joke on you, Sir." ------------------------------ I have a friend that works at the Minnesota Zoo, and this is such a common joke that they actually hire extra operators on April 1st to answer the phone, but not only do they answer, but they ask the person for a donation to the zoo. Most people are so embarrassed at their stupidity that they often make a donation. ------------------------------ The Paul Harvey noon newscast today reported that the new powers that be in Washington are trying to meet the people. So VP Qualye went out to a Denny's to have lunch. He leaned over to the lady sitting next to him at the long table and said "Hi, I'm Dan Quayle. Who are you?" She replied, "Hi. I'm your secret service agent." ------------------------------ The rejection letter: Baxter Conners Vice President Company 203 203 Wall St. New York, NY 10015 Dear Mr. Conners, Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Sincerely, Anthony Tiger ------------------------------ Don Noid held 2 Dominoes Pizza employees hostage for 5 hours yesterday. It seems he was annoyed at Dominoes Pizza for using the little cartoon character "The Noid". He thought the ads were insulting and that they were aimed at him. While he held the employees hostage, he ordered and ate a pizza. This from CBS radio, 1/31/89 7am ------------------------------------------------------------ 1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use as long as the signature file below is included The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by the individual contributors who should be contacted if you wish to forward their entry. -- Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] To learn how to get a MS Windows 3.1 Application with 15,000 jokes from the Life Humor collection, send E-Mail to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject. Or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor
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