Date: 11 Mar 89 22:24:24 PST (Saturday) Subject: Life 4.G ------------------------------ The other day when I was watching a boxing match on TV, a hockey game broke out! ------------------------------ (Heard on the local radio station) Some guy stole a taxi and went for a joy-ride and then abandoned the car. What's so funny you ask? He was later caught because on his way home that day, he flagged down the same taxi that he had stole that morning and the cabby identified him. Can you say stupid criminal? Sure you can... ------------------------------ Hey, some real comics over there in S. Korea. John Joss just bought a sport shirt made by a Korean firm called Heet, with these instructions: For best results, wash in cold water separately, hang-dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results, drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roof rack. ------------------------------ A lissome psychotic named Jane Once kissed every man on a train; Said she: "Please don't panic! I'm just nymphomanic. It wouldn't be fun were I sane." --Anon. Said Freud: "I've discovered the Id. Of all your repressions be rid. It won't ease the gravity Of all the depravity, But you'll know why you did what you did." --Frank Richards ------------------------------ In Herb Caen's column (San Francisco Chronicle) 02/17: I know a way to make a quick million bucks. Have a bunch of T-shirts printed up that say "I am NOT Salman Rushdie" ------------------------------ With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late- night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties. "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?" Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty- five in the city and forty on the highway." ------------------------------ There are three kinds of people in the world -- those who can count, and those who can't. ------------------------------ A few days ago, I bought one of those electric letter openers (you know, the kind that slits the envelope with a motor). Anyway, it runs on two AA batteries that install in a compartment in the bottom. Now the compartment is marked so that anyone with the slightest degree of intelligence could find it w/o incident. Nevertheless, the unit came with a slip of paper marked: SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS FOR ATTORNEYS And on it were printed specific step-by-step instructions of how to open the snap-off cover and put the batteries in. I'm not kidding about this, by the way. ------------------------------ There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!" The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?" ------------------------------ A man walks up to an ethnic warrior and asks him the time. since it is broad daylight, our ethnic plants his spear in the ground, measures the shadow's length, etc. and announces "one o'clock". "wow," says the man, "this is amazing. but how do you tell the time at night?". replies the ethnic, "oh, that is exactly why i carry this watch" and fishes out a watch from his pocket... ------------------------------ In response to the new Florida "English only" law, which bars expenditure of public funds for the purpose of extending services in languages other than English, the Dade County Zoo has ceased printing the Latin names of animals on the signs in front of cages. ------------------------------ An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were all mourning the death of their good friend, a Welshman. It is a tradition at Welsh funerals that people enclose cash or other articles in the coffin for the deceased to enjoy in the hereafter. The Scotsman was so bereaved that he told his mates, "Whatever you two put in the coffin, I'll put in double!" The others were astounded at this offering from an otherwise frugal-'til-he-squeaks person. But they decided to put him to the test. The Irishman approached the coffin, said his good-byes, and deposited 20 pounds in the coffin. Likewise, the Englishman went to the coffin, murmured his farewell, and placed a twenty-pound note in the coffin. Then he and the Irishman waited with deep anticipation as the Scotsman went up to the coffin, prayed, said a tearful good-bye, then got out his chequebook and wrote a cheque for 120 pounds and took the other 40 pounds cash back in change. ------------------------------ One day, a large duck walked into a pharmacy. It waddled up to the druggist, looked him right in his open mouth, and said "Good morning (quack). Would you (quack) please give me a (quack) tube of Chapstick (quack)?" The druggist quit staring, took a good look around the store (trying to spot Alan Funt skulking somewhere), and replied "Uhh...certainly, uhh...Sir. Would you prefer the plain or one of the flavored varieties?" The duck said "The plain will be fine (quack)." The druggist took one of the tubes and set it on the counter. "Is that what you want, Sir?" The duck said "That's it (quack). Just put it on my bill." ------------------------------ The following is a true story told to me by a duck hunter. One day a fellow duck hunter was legally hunting in the hills of Wisconsin, near a game reserve (where one is absolutely NOT allowed to hunt.) Along came a duck, and POW!, the duck falls away from him, INTO THE GAME RESERVE. Well, he thought, the duck is already dead, I may as well go pick it up. So he walks toward where the duck went down, only to find the duck floating in the middle of a pond. He sees an unoccupied boat and "borrows" it. After rowing to the middle to the pond, he is about to pick up the duck when . . . the game warden says "Hold it right there Buddy." At first the warden wanted to charge the hunter with illegal hunting, but the guy had not touched the duck, and he couldn't prove that he shot it. Next he tried to charge him with having a gun in a boat (apparently illegal) but couldn't, the gun was left on the shore. Next he tried to charge him with boat theft, but couldn't find the owner. So, he finally found something to charge the hunter with; being in a boat without a life preserv ------------------------------ ___ 1. That which Noah built. ___ 2. An article for serving ice cream. ___ 3. What a bloodhound does in chasing a woman. ___ 4. An expression to represent the loss of a parrot. ___ 5. An appropriate title for a knight named Koal. ___ 6. A sunburned man. ___ 7. A tall coffee pot perking. ___ 8. What one does when it rains. ___ 9. A dog sitting in a refrigerator. ___ 10. What a boy does on the lake when his motor won't run. ___ 11. What you call a person who writes for an inn. ___ 12. What the captain said when the boat was bombed. ___ 13. What a little acorn says when he grows up. ___ 14. What one does to trees that are in the way. ___ 15. What you do if you have yarn and needles. ___ 16. Can George Washington turn into a country? A. hypotenuse I. circle B. polygon J. axiom C. inscribe K. cone D. geometry L. coincide E. unit M. cosecant F. center N. tangent G. decagon O. hero H. arc P. perpendicular ------------------------------ This string is really getting old and seems to be fading away, but while cleaning my place I found the following piece of paper, and thought it really belongs here: [Big Letterhead, heavy bond paper] BIT Software, Inc. December 14, 1987 Michael S. Polymenakos ... .. .... Brooklyn, NY, 11210 Dear Mr. Bryce: This letter is... [insert pitch for a software product here] Sincerely [Signature in blue ink, you know, makes it look like this comes from a person and not a machine] I kept it on my office, a daily reminder to actually read those things that come out of my own printer, at least once in a while, especially before anyone else gets to read them first. ------------------------------------------------------------ 1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use as long as the signature file below is included The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by the individual contributors who should be contacted if you wish to forward their entry. -- * * * * Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] * * * * * * To learn how to buy the entire Life Humor Collection send * E-Mail to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject * or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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