Date: 1 Mar 90 12:12:09 PST (Thursday)
Subject: Life 6.2
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Steven Wright:
I've really got into astronomy lately. So much so that I have installed a
skylight in my ceiling. This really upsets the people that live above me.
Steven Wright reports that he had "Call Waiting" on his phone.
Now he needs TWO answering machines!
I was driving down the street past a gas station ... saw 2 signs in the
window: "Help Wanted" and "Self Service".
----------------------------------------------------
fake Steven Wright jokes:
i planted some bird seed. a bird came up. now i don't know what to feed it.
i made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. then i took it to a potluck.
i stood in line for some cake. they said "do you want white cake or
chocolate cake?" i said "yes."
my aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. she says if i'm good,
she'll give me the other one next year.
i went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. they said "what for?"
i said "i'm going to buy some sugar."
i eat swiss cheese. from the inside out.
i had amnesia once or twice.
i bought a million lottery tickets. i won a dollar.
i got a chain letter by fax. it's very simple. you just fax a dollar bill to
everybody on the list.
the sun it never set on the british empire.
but it rises every morning.
the sky must have got awfully crowded.
you know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail,
and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
how many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
i was in the grocery store. i saw a sign that said "pet supplies". so i did.
then i went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
when i was in boy scouts, i slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle.
a little old lady had to help me across the street.
if you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're shakespeare?
my roommate got a pet elephant. then it got lost. it's in the apartment
somewhere.
yesterday i told a chicken to cross the road. it said "what for?"
i xeroxed my watch. now i have time to spare.
i took a course in speed waiting. now i can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
i eat swiss cheese. but i only nibble on it. i make the holes bigger.
there aren't enough days in the weekend.
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This may be a little out of season but from what I guess, you can
plant kuzu any time of the year and enjoy it for generations to
come. For those of you up north, yes this is a real plant, and
rumor has it that there are odds being taken, on when Georgia
will disappear under a cover of the stuff.
==============================
Gardening Tips from Down South
How to Grow Kudzu
All you beginning gardeners out there might want to
consider growing kudzu as a fine way to launch out into the great
adventure of gardenning in the south. Kudzu, for those of you
not already familiar with it, is a hardy perennial that can be
grown quite well by the beginner who observes these few simple
rules:
Choosing a Plot:
Kudzu can be grown almost anywhere, so site selection is
not the problem it is with some other finicky plants like
strawberries. Although kudzu will grow quite well on cement, for
best result you should select an area having at least some dirt.
To avoid possible lawsuits, it is advisable to plant well away
from your neighbors house, unless, of course, you don't get along
well with your neighbor anyway.
Preparing the Soil:
Go out and stomp on the soil for a while just to get its
attention and to prepare it for kudzu.
Deciding When to Plant:
Kudzu should always be planted at night. If kudzu is
planted during daylight hours, angry neighbors might see you and
begin throwing rocks at you.
Selecting the Proper Fertilizer:
The best fertilizer I have discovered for kudzu is 40
weight non-detergent motor oil. Kudzu actually doesn't need
anything to help it grow, but the motor oil helps to prevent
scraping the underside of the tender leaves when the kudzu starts
its rapid growth. It also cuts down on the friction and lessens
the danger of fire when the kudzu really starts to move. Change
oil once every thousand feet or every two weeks which ever comes
first.
Mulching the Plants:
Contrary to what may be told by the Extension Service,
kudzu can profit from a good mulch. I have found that a heavy
mulch for the young plants produces a hardier crop. For best
results, as soon as the young shoots begin to appear, cover kudzu
with concrete blocks. Although this causes a temporary setback,
your kudzu will accept this mulch as a challenge and will reward
you with redoubled determination in the long run.
Organic or Chemical Gardenning:
Kudzu is ideal for either the organic gardener or for
those who prefer to use chemicals to ward off garden pests.
Kudzu is oblivious to both chemicals and pests. Therefore, you
can grow organically and let the pests get out of the way of the
kudzu as best they can, or you can spray any commercial poison
directly on your crop. Your decision depends on how much you
enjoy killing bugs. The kudzu will not mind either way.
Crop Rotation:
Many gardeners are understandably concerned that growing
the same crop year after year will deplete the soil. If you
desire to change from kudzu to some other plant next year, now is
the time to begin preparations. Right now, before the growing
season has reached its peak, you should list your house and lot
with a reputable real estate agent and begin making plans to move
elsewhere. Your chances of selling will be better now than they
will be later in the year, when it may be difficult for a
prospective buyer to realize that underneath those lush green
vines stands an adorable three-bedroom house.
{ed I didn't know what Kudzu was, so the submitter provided the following
information.}
From "The American Heritage Dictionary":
=============================================================================
Kudzu (kood'zoo) n. A vine, Pueraria lobata, native to Japan, having compound
leaves and clusters of redish purple flowers and grown for fodder
and foiage.
=============================================================================
Kudzu was introduced to Georgia earlier this century in an attempt
to provide improved fodder for cattle. It worked ALL TOO WELL. Cattle
do love kudzu but not nearly as much as kudzu loves Georgia. Georgia
provides nearly ideal climate and growing conditions for this rapid growing
and hardy perenial (that's "hardy", as in calling nuclear weapons "explosive").
People have been known to leave home on vaction down here only to
return a week later to find cars and other LARGE objects buried under it's
lush greener. It climbs telephone poles and crosses wires. It's eradication
is a major expense to utility companies. The City of Atlanta has used
bulldozers to dig up the tubers in vacant lots. It's resistant to most
"safe" chemicals although 2,4,D has some effect if used frequently enough.
It's sometimes call "yard-a-night" down here because that's how fast it
seems to grow. The only question seems to be whether the "yard" referred
to is that of "3 feet" or that of "front and back". Rumor has it that some
of the roads in the more rural areas don't get enough traffic and will be
covered by kudzu after a long holiday weekend.
It is a very pretty vine in early spring and summer. It's broad
leaves and flowers are quite attractive until you start to realize that
the dead stick, that it's sunning itself on, use to be a hugh pine tree.
In the winter, the first hard frost turns kudzu into tons of ugly brown
leaves and thick vines. It becomes a real eyesore and possibly a fire
hazard although I haven't heard of any actual kudzu fires. The plant regrows
new vines from the ground up every year, so you can see it's growth rate must
be phenominal.
I understand that the Japanese make a highly regarded form of tofu
from kudzu tubers. It is supposed to be prized for it's nutty flavor (soy
tofu is rather bland). The Japanese cannot produce enough to meet their
own demand and think we're NUTS for trying to eliminate it. I haven't
been able to confirm this use for kudzu, but, if true, they may well be right.
We've got plenty of hungery people and LOTS of kudzu!
The existance of kuzu in a neigborhood has been known to, adversely,
affect property values. The threat of planting kudzu in someone's yard is
generally considered an extreme case of "fight'en words", potentially followed
by "justifiable homicide". Regardless, you can still obtain kudzu seeds
from several major seed companies who list it as a "hardy ornamental
perenial". If understatement was a crime they'd be history.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Info-Mac Digest V7 #8.
ELECTRONIC GRAINS
The Vegetable Computer was invented in 1842 by Charles Cabbage,
regarded by many as the father of the field. Cabbage called his computer
the Agricultural Engine. Modern versions consist of rose and rose of
integrated carrots connected to a flower supply by a maize of wires. Input
is from pea switches, yard weeder, and tell-he's-ripe. A hayseed vine
printer may be used to generate hard coffee, while a vegetable display
unit supports interactive composting. Main memory consists of interleaved
beet-addressable magnetic corn. Secondary store consists of plough discs
and grape drives. All peripherals are daisy chained.
A later version of the Agricultural Engine was known as AR-16
(after Agricultural Revolution). It was based on the sack discipline,
first perfected by the Barrow Combine, and sprouted a high-swede paper
tape reaper for the first lime.
Early computer consumed large amounts of power. Many required
their own electric spud-station to seed them and had to overcome the
problem of providing adequate Lentilation. Such problems caused many
a furrowed brow in the pasture and we cannot expect to avoid harrowing
days ahead. However, the many fertile minds that constitute the rate-
of-the-cart computer technology cannot fail to produce the harvest of
the future, particularly with the bloom of very large scale irrigation.
Artificial pollination techniques grafted on paralled earthworms will
soon be producing computers proudly proclaiming "I think, therefore
I yam." All chokoes aside, we can look beyond the melon-cauli thymes
through the winnow of the ears till the salad days ahead. Lettuce advance
to the world to two marrows. To those reactionaries who would turn back
the docks we say, "hoe! hoe! hoe!".
Herb and Russel Sprout,
Rice Presidents,
Assocn. for Cultivating Machinery
----------------------------------------------------
CONFUSER NEWS - Edition 4
Sun Microsystems recently pronounced that X-Windows is not an industry
standard. A SUN spokeswoman claimed that it couldn't possibly be a
standard as SUN has not invented it yet. "As soon as we come up with it,
it will be made a standard" she said. "We expect to have a working
X-Windows before the turn of the century and we promise to be first to
market as we always are."
SUN DOUBLES MTBF - SUN Microsystems claimed the MTBF leadership position
in quality. "In the tradition of leading the industry, we at SUN are
proud to claim the best quality increase. Once again, we lead not only
in price/performance and support, but now we are the quality champion"
said the new SUN Vice-President Jane Doe. "We increased our MTBF from
100 hours to 300 hours, a 300% increase. HP can't do that. The best they
can do is 10.1 years to 10.2 years, a measly increase of less than 1%.
That means we are more than 300 times better than HP! That's leadership."
This reporter asked HP to respond but we were unable to find anyone in
public relations or marketing. In related news, this reporter found out
that the name "Jane Doe" is not the real name for the SUN Vice-President
we had talked to. However, she said it was more convenient to use that
name as it saved the company considerable money in not having to reprint
business cards every time an executive left.
----------------------------------------------------
Ten little gigabytes, waiting on line
one caught a virus, then there were nine.
Nine little gigabytes, holding just the date,
someone jambed a write protect, then there were eight.
Eight little gigabytes, should have been eleven,
then they cut the budget, now there are seven.
Seven little gigabytes, involved in mathamatics
stored an even larger prime, now there are six.
Six little gigabytes, working like a hive,
one died of overwork, now there are five.
Five little gigabytes, trying to add more
plugged in the wrong lead, now there are four.
Four little gigabytes, failing frequently,
one used for spare parts, now there are three.
Three little gigabytes, have too much to do
service man on holiday, now there are two.
Two little gigabytes, badly over run,
took the work elsewhere, now just need one.
One little gigabyte, systems far too small
shut the whole thing down, now there's none at all.
----------------------------------------------------
Last night I dreamed that the Real World had adopted the "Unix
Philosophy."
I went to a fast-food place for lunch. When I arrived, I found that
the menu had been taken down, and all the employees were standing in
a line behind the counter waiting for my orders. Each of them was
smaller than I remembered, there were more of them than I'd ever seen
before, and they had very strange names on theuir nametags.
I tried to give my order to the first employee, but he just said
something about a "syntax error." I tried another employee with no
more luck. He just said "Eh?" no matter what I told him. I had
similar experiences with several other employees. (One employee
named "ed" didn't even say "Eh?," he just looked at me quizzically.)
Disgusted, I sought out the manager (at least it said "man" on his
nametag) and asked him for help. He told me that he didn't know
anything about "help," and to try somebody else with a strange name
for more information.
The fellow with the strange name didn't know anything about "help"
either, but when I told him I just wanted to order he directed me to
a girl named "oe," who handled order entry. (He also told me about
several other employees I couldn't care less about, but at least I
got the information I needed.)
I went to "oe" and when I got to the front of the queue she just
smiled at me. I smiled back. She just smiled some more. Eventually
I realized that I shouldn't expect a prompt. I asked for a
hamburger. She didn't respond, but since she didn't say "Eh?" I knew
I'd done something right. We smiled at each other a little while
longer, then I told her I was finished with my order. She directed
me to the cashier, where I paid and received my order.
The hamburger was fine, but it was completely bare... not even a bun.
I went back to "oe" to complain, but she just said "Eh?" a lot. I
went to the manager and asked him about "oe." The manager explained
to me that "oe" had thousands of options, but if I wanted any of them
I'd have to know in advance what they were and exactly how to ask for
them.
He also told me about "vi," who would write down my order and let me
correct it before it was done, and how to hand the written order to
"oe." "vi" had a nasty habbit of not writing down my corrections
unless I told her that I was about to make a correction, but it was
still easier than dealing directly with "oe."
By this time I was really hungry, but I didn't have enough money to
order again, so I figured out how to redirect somebody eles's order
to my plate. Security was pretty lax at that place.
As I was walking out the door, I was snagged by a giant Net. I
screamed and woke up.
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