Date: 27 Sep 90 18:12:16 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life 6.L
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The Right wants to run your life according to tradition. The
Left wants to run your life according to their dreams of a
perfect society. Wouldn't you rather just run your own life?
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A new Steve Wright:
I have masking tape across my mirrors so I
don't get sucked into an alternate dimension.
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Kuwait is between Iraq and a hard place
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Every faithful Muslim is supposed to make the trip to
Mecca, in the depths of Saudi Arabia, once in their
lifetime. The only problem is that this year all the
Iraqis have decided to go at once.
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How many Iraqis does it take to change a lightbulb?
250,000. 249,999 to overrun and annex the country it's in and one to
pull the strings of the puppet that changes the bulb.
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I'm certain my ears were not deceiving me. Last night on the ABC evening
news I distinctly heard Peter Jennings say Sadam Hussein was mad because
George Bush, in a speech the previous day, had called him a "lawyer".
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Early this morning, Iraq announced that they don't like the word "detainees"
and that the foreigners in Iraq are "guests of the Iraqi government."
We've seen how they treat their neighbors,
makes you wonder how they'll treat their guests...
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Well, Sadaam Hussein has started separating the hostages, 'er "guests,"
by profession. He says that he is holding almost 100 lawyers, and will
start releasing one laywer each day until the US pulls out of Saudi Arabia!
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(From a political cartoon in the Sunday (London) Times:)
-A drawing of an Iraqi tank on maneuvers along the Saudi border. On the
tank is a sign seen often on American family cars: "Baby on Board"
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Next week's cover showed a picture of Saddam Hussein stroking a
hostage boy's hair and saying:
"What do you want to be if you grow up?"
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Sadaam Hussein assumed the Presidency of Iraq by killing his
predecessor. His predecessor did the same. Obviously in Iraq
they have a "one bullet, one vote" system.
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Top 10 reasons Sadam Hussein attacked Kuwait, from Late Night with David
Letterman:
10. To see a nice-looking color map of Iraq on CNN.
9. Tired of the Goodwill Games hogging all the headlines.
8. Pretty sure somebody near the Persian Gulf gave him the finger.
7. Heard they were bootlegging SImpsons T-shirts.
6. To impress Jodie Foster.
5. Chemical weapons were nearing expiration dates.
4. Heard rumor that Jessica McClure was trapped in a well in Kuwait City.
3. Didn't have enough fuel and supplies to attack the moon.
2. Yeah. Like a middle East madman need an excuse to invade somebody.
And the No. 1 reason Sadam Hussein attacked Kuwait ...
1. Because the sand is always grainier on the other side of the border.
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The Petroleum Institute's Top 10 Reasons for the increase in gasoline prices:
10. Hussein threatened to invade Houston if we didn't raise prices.
9. We're doing our part to reduce global warming.
8. Demand is increasing, or decreasing, something like that.
7. We were hoping you wouldn't notice.
6. The consultant we hired to do this list is gouging us.
5. We're going to raise enough money to bail out the S&L's.
4. It's not a price increase, it's a user fee.
3. We want to see if gas pumps can count that fast.
2. There was a big oil spill in Alask... no, that was last time.
1. There was a sudden surge in demand for fuel to fly Dan Rather
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[ on KLRU, the PBS station here in the valley, a Kuwaiti student was explaining
how a good portion of the people of Kuwait are on vacation this time of year,
(A good thing considering the temperature) and they are worried that they
will not be able to go home. I can just see ol' Hussein the day before the
invasion... ]
[Ring] ... [Ring] ... [Ring] ... [Ring] ... [Click]
``Hello, You've reached the Kuwait national answering machine. Since it was
130 deg. in the shade, and we're all millionaires, we decided to all go on
vacation for the month of July. Please leave your message at the tone.
[Beep]
``Hello, er, I hate these things, er, this is Saddam Hussein... I have
massed my military on your border and if you don't...'' [beep] ... [click]
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" Never trust a computer you can't lift. " - Stan Mazor
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The Winchester, MA Town Directory's entry for the "League of Women Voters"
is listed instead as the "League of Women Vultures."
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A sign:
"This might just be that one in ten billion chance that the
molecules of your body align perfectly with those of this door, and
you will be able to walk right through it. Go ahead, try it!"
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So what did you say?
Speaking of signs, the San Jose Library commissioned a sign proclaiming
"Welcome!" in ~42 languages (this is ~two years ago). The sign was painted
and hung outside the library, all 30-50 feet of it, and a gardener came
in to the library and wanted to talk to someone about it, but wouldn't say
what the prob was. (He was Filipino(?)). Seems the Tagalog version did not
say "Welcome!". Instead, it proclaimed "Circumcise!", and he was too
embarassed to say this in front of the (predominantly) female library staff.
They found out that four or five of the greetings were incorrect...
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for all those interested in graffiti there is a book
called "Graffiti" by Nigel Rees (Unwin Paperbacks,
London,..4 Vol!)..its a collection of Graffiti by
the author from all over the world
some of the better ones from the book...
" In Iran though drugs are banned u can always get stoned!"
" Drink wet cement & get stoned "
" The grave of Karl Marx is a communist plot"
" Make ur Senators work ..Don't reelect them!"
" Support British Steel...smelt the Iron Lady!"
" Education kills by degrees.."
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Maybe 10 years ago the B&O railroad decided to repaint their RR bridge here
in Newark, DE. It had been covered with *many* messages by the local
residents. Shortly after the new dull green paint job someone with a sense
of humor decided it needed to be "decorated." He/She took white paint and,
in big letters, wrote "LIONEL" (you know, the company that makes the toy
trains) on the bridge. The locals thought it was clever and no additional
"decoration" was done. It even got a write-up in the Philadelphia paper
(Delaware section). Unfortunately for evenone, B&O was not amused. They
came back and repainted the bridge again. And this time it was quickly
covered with the standard "Jim loves Joan" messages. Sigh!
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VMS is like a Soviet railroad train. It's basically industrial-strength, but
when you look at it closely, everything's a little more shabby than you might
like. It gets the job done, but there's no grace to it.
The Mac operating system is like the monorail at Disney World. It's kind of
spectacular and fun, but it doesn't go much of anywhere. Still, the kids like
it.
Unix is like the maritime transit system in an impoverished country. The
ferryboats are dangerous as hell, offer no protection from the weather and leak
like sieves. Every monsoon season a couple of them capsize and drown all the
passengers, but people still line up for them and crowd aboard.
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In Russia, why does going to the dentist usualy involove a major operation?
The dentist has to go in through your ear. [ie. you can't open your mouth]
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These excerpts are from The Jokes on Texas collected by John Randolph.
First Edition, First Printing copywrite 1954.
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Texas once had forty-five million acres of public domain, much of which was
granted to early settlers. Some of it was granted right back to the state,
and sometimes with a note of explanation. One German settler wrote, "De
rain, it is all vind and de vind, it is all sand." Another more eloquently
wrote the land office, "Forty miles to water, twelve miles to wood, six
inches to Hell. Gone to live with my wife's folks."
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Slim walked into the local post office and noticed a new sign on the wall.
Letter by letter he made it out: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN CALIFORNIA.
"Gosh," he said, "if that job was only in TEXAS I'd take it."
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Old Uncle Joad up in East Texas had a cood dog of which he was
mighty proud. The old man earned his living making coonskin caps to order.
When he got an order for a size 7 1/4, he had a board just the right length
which he put on the floor. His dog would walk around it, sniffing, then
take off to the woods and come home with a coon just the right size. Uncle
Joad had boards for every size. It was an efficient way to operate busi-
ness.
One day a neighbor saw him sitting on the porch looking mighty
sad. He was oiling up his old gun, which he hadn't used in years. "What's
the matter, Joad?" inquired his neighbor. "Whatcha oilin' your gun for?
Whar's your dog?"
"Well," said Joad, "guess I'm gonna have to do my own huntin'
from now on. You know how that old dog used to bring in coons just the
size of the boards I laid down on the floor? Well, somebody knocked the
ironin' board down on the floor last week and we ain't seen that old dog
since."
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Been so dry that we got catfish in the creek three years old that haven't
learned to swim yet!
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Gent from Kentucky: We've got enough gold in Fort Knox to build a solid
gold fence all around Texas ten feet high and four feet thick!
Texan: Well, stranger, go ahead and build it. If I like it, I'll buy it.
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Remember the story from rec.humor.funny last year about the BSD
daemon shirt (from the book) that got one of our local residents into so
much trouble? Some locals thought it nasty that someone should portray
demons as cute, and the wearer of the shirt made it worse when she
explained that they came from Berkeley in California and had originally
been sponsored by DARPA. It's a classic and true story that should go
down in both Texan and USENIX lore books.
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I hear that there is a curio shop near Austin which actually
sells Aggie devices..
like a cup with the handle in inside..
an Aggie weather predicting gadget..which is nothing but a
piece of rock..Aggie leaves the rock outside his window in the
night..gets up in the morning ..feels the rock..if its wet
it probably rained during the night ..if it isn't then it didn't!
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Honk if I'm an Aggie
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Along similar lines: A small, 14-seat plane is circling for a landing
in Atlanta. It's totally fogged in, zero visibility, and suddenly there's
a small electrical fire in the cockpit which disables all of the instruments
and the radio. The pilot continues circling, totally lost, when suddenly
he finds himself flying next to a tall office building. He rolls down the
window (this particular airplane happens to have roll-down windows) and
yells to a person inside the building, "Where are we?" The person responds
"In an airplane!"
The pilot then banks sharply to the right, circles twice, and makes a
perfect landing at Atlanta International.
As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the pilot,
"I'm certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don't understand
how the response you got was any use." "Simple," responded the pilot.
"I got an answer that was completely accurate and totally irrelevant to
my problem, so I knew it had to be the IBM building."
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i was riding my motorcycle up I-5 from san diego and got pulled
for speeding... for a couple of years (2 i think) the feds required
that motocycle speedometers only went to 85... the conversation went
like this:
CHP: sir, do you know how fast you were going?
me: no officer, my federally mandated speedometer only goes to 85...
when the officer quit laughing he wrote me up for 70...
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At a SAR conference at Camp Philmont some years back, we were eating lunch
with some of the District 2 State Police, and, as per, they started telling
war stories. Andy told about a fellow he pulled over for some sort of mov-
ing violation who was extremely huffy. After he signed the ticket, he said,
"Well, as long as you've got me here, why don't you go ahead and write me
up for something else. That'll save you the trouble of pulling me over
again."
Andy raised his eyebrows, and said, "Okay." He cited the fellow for something
that was wrong with his car.
The guy said, "All right. Why don't you write me another?"
Some people are stubborn to the point of validating Social Darwinism. Before
this fellow finally shut up and let Andy finish the job, he had eleven (11 -
count them!) citations on the seat beside him, four of them moving violations!
Andy ran into this fellow a month or so later at the County Courthouse. The
guy said something like, "You know, the last time I saw you, my mouth sure
cost me a lot of money."
Andy observed to us that there's always something you can cite someone for if
you really want to. Remember that; think it over before you tease a cop.
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I heard about a cop who pulled someone over for speeding. The driver was
being overly mouthy, and succeeded in ticking the officer off. The
officer asked for the drivers liscence, and proceeded to eat it. He then
wrote the driver citation for driving without a liscense.
When the case came up the court, the driver claimed that the officer
had EATEN his liscense.
The officer merely replied: "The drivers statement speaks for itself"
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Los Angeles Times, September 5:
In Venice, California, a policeman was about to ticket a green Corvette in a parking lot for having expired license tags when a voice said, "Warning! You are standing too close to the vehicle. Step back!" It was the car's proximity-activated audio-alarm system speaking. "I'm sorry," replied the officer as he slipped the citation under a windshield wiper.
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Average Iraqi
Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of
the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors
Average American
Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme
park
Average Iraqi
Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation
Average American
Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards
Average Iraqi
Lines up by the thousands to die for country
Average American
Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty
Average Iraqi
Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo
by West
Average American
Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include
McCookies
Average Iraqi
Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise
Average American
Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the
ground, you die
Average Iraqi
Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest
Average American
Has beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip
Average Iraqi
Thinks Saddam Hussein is a political genius
Average American
Thinks Saddam Hussein makes Dan Quayle seem like Einstein
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