Date: 4 Jan 91 13:18:15 PST (Friday)
Subject: Life 6.S
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In the war between men and women I prefer to follow the Bible's advice:
Love thine enemy.
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Where is the U.S. flag at full mast 24 hours a day, never taken down, and
never saluted?
The Moon!
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Martyrdom - the only way a person can become famous without ability.
- George Bernard Shaw
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A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.
- Bismarck
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My favorite tactic along this line was a poster showing several people
protesting aminal experimentation. The caption read "Thanks to animal
research, these people can protest 20.4 years longer."
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Q: What do you call the Lada owner's manual?
A: The bus timetable.
Q: What is the difference between a LADA and a golf-ball?
A: You can drive a golf_Ball 360 yards...
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"The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel and
an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a horse."
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Another unique feature of Athenian democracy was that a year after a law was
passed it was reviewed. If the law was voted down the original proposer was
executed. This certainly discouraged hasty legislation. Maybe we should
try it :-)!
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There _are_ some men who understand women. Unfortunately, they all spend
their time in rooms with soft walls, talking to beings from Beta Lyrae.
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Q: How many East Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. No, four. Hold on a minute, better make that three...
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A sign in an eyeglass shop:
"EYES EXAMINED WHILE YOU WAIT."
By far the most comfortable procedure.
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Which one does not belong?
OBJECT
OBJECT
MONEY
OBJECT
OBJECT
Answer: MONEY. Money is no object.
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In a local college claculus class, the teacher wrote:
+ 8
lim x-]0 --- = oo (infinity)
x
In an exam the next week, the following answer was seen:
+ 5 ___
lim x-]0 --- = |__| |.
x
This one is a little difficult to show on the screen, but what you see
is a horizontal 5.
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This one is probably best when acted out:
A crazy guy walks up to his friend with his hands cupped together.
"You'll never guess what I've got in here," he says. "Well, let me
think," says his friend. "An elephant! You've got an elephant in
your hands!" The guy opens his hands a tiny crack and peeks in.
Then he looks thoughtfully at his friend and peeks in again. Finally
he looks at his friend defiantly and says, "OK, OK! But what color?!?"
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Police: Mr. Johnson, we have just arrested a theif carrying several
credit cards with Mrs. Johnson's name on them.
Mr. Johnson: Tell the thief he can keep them.
Police: But don't you want your credit cards back?
Mr. Johnson: No. He's been spending only about half as much as
Mrs. Johnson.
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There is a convicted prisoner who is placed before a firing squad.
The commander says, "I have heard that you declined having a last meal."
"That's right." Says the prisoner.
"And you don't even want a last smoke, or a blindfold?"
"No, let's just get it over with."
"Is there no last request we can grant you before we shoot you?" Asks the
commander.
"Well..." Stammers the prisoner. "I am a great lover of music, and it would
mean a great deal to me if I am allowed to sing my favorite song, in it's
entirety, before I am shot."
"Since this wish of yours is your last request, I will grant it. You may sing."
Replies the commander.
So the prisoner starts...
"Ten million bottles of beer on the wall,
Ten million bottles of beer... "
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The following are "tales" told by our MIS instructor:
of course, written...it may not be as "funny" :( ...you be the judge)
A physics professor was very strict about attendance, and despised
tardiness. Every student caught arriving to class late (especially those
interrupting his lecture) was quickly reprimanded in front of the whole class.
Students were quick to comment on the professor's genetics. Well, one day a
student entered through the front doors of the lecture hall, while the prof was
writing notes on the chalkboard. The professor caught the student out of the
corner of his eye (this acute sense of peripheral vision, further supported the
rumours of his evolution), and turned to face the student. He demanded, "What
do you think you're doing?". Being a science student, one naturally thinks
quick, so the student snapped up and replied, "I came down from the back to get
a better look at the board". The prof smiled.
Back in those days, it was required that in order for a student to receive
credit for a particular course, a card (listing of his/her courses) had to be
signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was at the time, policy that students
attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often
quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly.
Not so, with this physics professor...if he didn't recognize you, you would
have to repeat the course (& attend!). On one occassion, a student handed his
card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and
said, "I've never you see in my class.", and handed back the card. Now being a
science student, he naturally thought quick, and proceeded to the end of the
line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the prof. The
prof looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "You look familiar.
OK", and signed the card.
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From: wilkes@penguin.ulowell.edu (C.T. "Tom" Wilkes)
This reminds me of a tale told, if I remember correctly, by Richard
Feynmann about Murray Gell-Mann, one of the developers of quark
theory. It seems Gell-Mann was hauled into traffic court for running
a red light, but explained to the judge that the light had appeared to
him to be green due to the blue shift. Since Gell-Mann was a
Nobel-laureate physicist, the judge was about to let him off until a
disgruntled graduate student who happened to be in the audience told
the judge exactly how fast Gell-Mann would have been travelling. The
charge was changed to speeding....
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From a reference in a 17th-century book to sailors, it called lawyers
"land sharks" and said that they'd rather chance a woman on board ship
than a lawyer.
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From Book of Anecdotes, possibly the first entry in the Cannonical List of
Lawyer jokes. A story told of former President and General, U.S. Grant;
Undistinguished and often shabby in appearance, Ulysses S.
Grant did not recommend himself to strangers by looks. He
once entered an inn at Galena, Illinois, on a stormy
winter's night. A number of lawyers, in town for a court
session, were clustered around the fire. One looked up as
Grant appeared and said, "Here's a stranger, gentlemen,
and by the looks of him he's traveled through hell itself
to get here."
"That's right," said Grant cheerfully.
"And how did you find things down there?"
"Just like here," replied Grant, "lawyers all closest to
the fire."
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Straight from Salinas, California, the lettuce bowl of the
country:
"Woman purees tomatoes with .38"
A 39-year old Salinas woman was cited last week after trying to
slay her husband's tomatoe plants with his .38-caliber revolver.
The woman, whom police would not identify, was cited Thursday
for discharging a weapon in the city limits while she and her
husband argued over the length of her hair.
(By the way, "The tomatoe plants survived the assault," according
to a spokesman for the Salinas Police Department.)
Vegetable-related crime is not new to Salinas. Just last fall,
a panhandler was arrested after brandishing a 12-inch cucumber
at a businessman and, according to police, threatening to
"place the cucumber in a very inappropriate place on (his) person".
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An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
- Camus
Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters;
united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels.
- Goya
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
The Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
- William Brag
I like a man who grins when he fights.
- Winston Churchill
I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself,
but I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head.
- George Wallace
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
- Bert Lantz
Some people like my advice so much that
they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
- Gordon R. Dickson
The personal computer market is about the same size
as the total potato chip market.
Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market
and is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose.
- James Finke, Pres., Commodore Int'l Ltd.(1982)
Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards upon 'B',
'A' is most likely a scoundrel.
- H. L. Mencken
Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried.
- Thomas Jefferson
You don't have to explain something you never said.
- Calvin Coolidge
A good marraige is like an incredible retirement fund:
You put everything you habe into it during your productive life,
and over the years it turns from silver to gold to platinum.
- Willard Scott
A grandmother is a mother who has a second chance.
- R. and H. Exley
A logician trying to explain logic to a programmer
is like a cat trying to explain to a fish what it's like to be wet.
- Anon
A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears.
- Montaigne
Another person's secret is like another person's money:
You are not as careful with it as you are with your own.
- E. W. Howe
Directions to a model home:
Follow 129 until you see Live Oak Church or God on the right.
Epitaph:
Ebenezer Prichard here lies low
Having forsook life.
Poisoned by his wife
and Dr. Eli Hornblow
Epitaph:
He called
Bill Smith
A liar
Epitaph:
Blown upward
out of sight
He sought the leak
by candlelight
Epitaph:
Here lies an honest lawyer.
That is strange.
Epitaph:
Here lies my wife in earthy mould
who when she lived did naught but scold
Good friends go softly in your walking
lest she should wake and rise up talking
Epitaph:
Here lies the body of Arnaksaw Jim
We made the mistake
but the joke's on him
Epitaph:
This empty urn is sacred to the memory of John Revere
who died abroad in Finistere
If he had lived he would have been buried here
Epitaph:
To all my friends I bid adieu
A more sudden death you never knew
As I was leading the mare to drink
She kicked and killed me quicker'n a wink
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Sorry, this is not a joke. I head some guy named "L.J." (not a rapper)
on the radio today... his understanding of the situation gave him a
great source of cynicism. He has an article in the September
Harper's on the S&L thang.
Not really a joke, but here's a modern allegory. Enjoy, -todd
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The Roots of Modern Terror
by St. Tribunal Overdrive and Gerry Reith, A0
You are among the many passengers of a large bus careening wildly down a
twisted mountain road. The bus is being driven by a drunk who is half
blind. He and those near the front are suffering from some sort of
intoxication from gaseous emissions. They are also drinking. It is night;
not even the moon is out to provide lighting. The main lights of the bus
are broken from near brushes with the steadily deteriorating old guardrails
that are the only thing between the bus and a twenty five hundred foot
plunge off a sheer face cliff.
The bus is travelling at a truly high rate of speed, etc. Evidently the
brakes are out. Only the screams of watchful passengers have kept the
sleeping driver from crashing. Within the last few minutes more than four
times the bus has had a near miss, headed straight forward into a sharp turn.
It is raining and the roads are slick.
You originally got into the bus to obtain protection from the elements.
This was long ago; so long that you don't remember. Way back then, some
wise guy started the bus, and began driving. The drivers have been changed
several times, but no matter what, they all speed up; they frequently
promise to slow down some; and they all drink heavily from seemingly
bottomless flasks stored near the front.
Most of the passengers sit, mute, staring off into space, rolling out of
their seats and not getting back into them. They seem paralyzed. Those
that still seem conscious are divided.
Most of them believe the bus is headed somewhere. So do the drivers. But
others know that there never was any particular destination in mind. A
while back you and some others found a map, inside something called a
``history book,'' and on the map was a picture of a road. The map has clear
markings that say ``Dead end.'' In fact, it is a deader end than most: the
map indicates that the road ends in an abrupt, unmarked precipice.
Some of the passengers want to get out but the windows and doors are
welded shut. When they go up front to talk with the driver or his
supporters near the font, who are also drunk, they are forcibly pushed back.
Shouts have one result: the driver speeds up, and slumps over the wheel more
frequently. Some of the passengers think that everyone should be quiet and
enjoy the ride. Others are positively certain that the driver should speed
up. Still more don't even think the bus is moving.
Once in awhile a passenger goes beserk, doing great physical harm to those
around him in an attempt to go and seize the wheel.
According to the map, you are not far from the end of the road. Most of
the people who are told this become immediately agitated and call for new
drivers. They then attempt to go and take the wheel, which causes the
present driver to swerve and screech around in an even more chaotic way.
You just want to stop the bus and get out, but you cannot. To no one else
has it occurred to stop the bus. And it seems that those in favor of
speeding up are gaining the upper hand; they are driven by the idea that if
they get there faster everything will be okay.
Federal Government.
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