Date: 19 Jan 91 22:46:16 PST (Saturday)
Subject: Life 6.U
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Q: What does Saddam Hussein want for Thanksgiving?
A: Turkey.
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HOTEL MANAGER: Well Mr Sloop, did you enjoy your stay here with us?
GUEST : Yes, but I'm a bit upset about leaving the place
now that I've practically bought it.
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What do you call a Yugo that just hit a squirrel?
Totaled!
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The gunman (his name is A.Shmonov), who made an attempt to kill Soviet
President M.Gorbachev during the demonstration on the Red Square in
Moscow on November 7, was asked by KGB, why he had failed.
"Well, - answered A.Shmonov, - I failed because a lot of people were
trying to take away my gun".
"And what they were saying at that moment?"
"Each of them was saying: give the gun to me, please, let ME try to do it!"
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The Latin-American diplomat was describing his country to
members of a women's knitting circle in Calafornia.
"Our most popular sport is bull-fighting," he declared.
One sweet old lady, obviously upset at the thought of so
bloodthirsty a spectacle, said : "But isn't that REVOLTING?"
"No, madame," said the Latin, with a wide smile, "that is our
second most popular sport."
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A Texas kindergarden teacher informed her class that the next day, she would
teach them how to draw.
Yep, that's right! The following day, 6 youngsters showed up with pistols!
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From Pakistan:
Two schoolboys were late for school one day.
Headmaster to first kid : Why are you late?
First Kid : Both of us were waiting for the bus and I dropped
a quarter on the sidewalk. I missed the bus because I
was searching for my quarter.
Headmaster to second kid : And why are you late?
Second kid : I was standing on his quarter.
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Tina Brown, 36, editor of Vanity Fair, on why she put Cher instead of
Marla Maples on the cover of the November issue:
In light of the Gulf crisis, we thought a brunette was more
appropriate.
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In today's San Jose paper there is a flyer for Oshman's Sporting Goods which
features a "sale price" on a "K2 Complete Ski Package" (skis, binding, boots,
installation and tune) for $429.97.
"If purchased separately: $354.98."
(I always wondered about the phrase: "Cheap at Half the Price!" Most things
ARE cheap at half the price. However, retailers rarely are willing to SELL
to you at half the price. "Cheap at TWICE the price" would seem to be the way
to describe items which are really cheap! But then, this is America,
where East-Coasters say: "I couldn't care less!" and West-Coasters
say: "I could care less!" and they both mean the same thing!)
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From: mtxinu!research!ches@ucbvax.Berkeley.EDU
Date: Wed, 11 May 88 18:18:59 PDT
Letter to the editor in the Santa Cruz Sentinel 5/8/88.
(We have a water shortage problem).
I read in your paper that during the water shortage, we
should put a brick in the toilet to save water. I want to
be a good person. I want to help save water, too, so I folllowed your
suggestion.
The only thing I can say about that little experiment is, don't
try it. The first time I used the toilet after the brick was in,
the paper and the other stuff got all clogged up around it and
when I flushed it, the toilet overflowed all over the place.
I had to reach down in there and fish that brick out with my
bare hands. Then it took me about an hour to mop the place up.
Why do you do these things to your readers? Is this your idea
of a joke? Goodness knows, I try. I try to do the right thing,
but this kind of stuff has got to go. I demand a retraction, so
that the rest of the people out there don't have to endure the
same kind of terrible experience I did.
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The following is from the L.A. Times Magazine Nov.11,1990:
Brief anecdotes from the Dumb Crook News an occasional feature
of Out Front from the Charlotte Observer.
Robbery victims inspected a lineup up of 5 men in San Diego.
Each of the men in the lineup were ordered to step forward and
say,"Give me all the money-and I need some change in quarters and dimes.
The first two men got it right. The third man stepped forward and said,
"That isn't what I said."
A man in Delaware represented himselft at his trial for robbing a woman
at a gas station. In cross-examining a detective he said," Why are
you talking about some witness, man? There was only me and her at the store."
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There was a bank robber once that was *so* stupid that he tried to have the
teller deposit the money he was stealing into his own bank account!
I think don't the police required *any* deduction to find him.
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The somewhat dumb but pretty girl in the bank stood at the
window of the cashier's desk and smiled.
"I'd like to cash this cheque, please," she said, handing it
over. The clerk examined the cheque, then said : "Could you
identify yourself, Miss?"
For a moment the lovely girl's brow creased over, then with a
bright look she fumbled in her handbag and producing a mirror,
glanced in it and with relief said, "Yes - it's me, all right!"
----------------------------------------------------
"What's the best way to balance a checkbook using a computer?
Sell the computer and deposit the money."
Jon Bentley, quoted in "Life with UNIX"
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From: mikej@lilink.com (Michael R. Johnston)
Subject: Computers are people too
I overheard this conversation in our "tech support" department the other day:
TECH #1: "This silly key keeps repeating."
TECH #2: "Is your key depressed?"
TECH #1: "I don't know how it feels."
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From: Zap@cup.portal.com (Tim Philip Cadell)
Subject: Another TRS-80 story
Date: 4 Feb 89
When I used to work at a Radio Shack store, we got a call one
day from a man who was trying to load a program (Blackjack, I
believe) off of tape into a TRS-80 Model I computer and run it.
A friend of mine went to the phone and told him that after he
loaded it, type "R U N" and press enter. He got a syntax error
and after reading it back, it turned out that he had typed "Are
You In?" and pressed enter.
----------------------------------------------------
From: paulz@sco.com (W. Paul Zola)
Organization: The Santa Cruz Operation, Inc.
Subject: Helpful compiler error message
Here is my favorite compiler error: (from MPW C)
Too many erors on one line (make fewer)
----------------------------------------------------
From the Star Fleet Programmer's Style Guide:
(1) If your robot is programmed to destroy all imperfection, make sure it
excludes itself (the "Nomad" rule).
(2) Never allow calculation of the exact value of pi.
(3) Be sure your machines are programmed to ignore Three Stooges routines
(This is known as Harry Mudd's Law).
(4) Self-destruct routines are never carried through, so there is no need
to program them as anything more than a cosmetic shell. But be sure the
countdown always runs past 1, to the last millisecond before the ship
blows up, for dramatic values.
(5) Include standard protections against viruses, trojans, worms, and
the ghosts of 19th-Century serial killers.
(6) Women programmers are not allowed, as they *always* program the computer
to giggle and call the captain, "Honey." We have enough virility problems
because they make us wear tights and those silly boots and velour shirts.
We don't need this, too.
----------------------------------------------------
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said
to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an
extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose;
they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own
functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are
no fun at parties.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
who end up using this language.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #19 -- C-
This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the
language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
similar to COBOL.
----------------------------------------------------
Murphy's Laws for Frequent Flyers
1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the
delay to make the flight.
2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest
gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon
as you touch pen to paper.
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on
the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just
look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to
the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on
luggage passengers will bring aboard.
----------------------------------------------------
There was this man in a mental hospital, all day he would put his ear to the
wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day.
So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so
he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned
to the mental patient and said I don't hear anything. The mental patient
said yea, I know, it's been like that for months.
----------------------------------------------------
This man knocked on the door and a lady answered. He asked her if she had
any food she could give him. This lady said well what's wrong with you,
you look strong and healthy enough to go out and get a job. But the man
said he couldn't, that no body would give him a job and all he had to eat
was this rock he had in his pocket. Well, this lady got curious about how
this man was going to eat a rock, so she decided to let him come in and
eat his rock. When the man came in he asked the lady if he could warm up
his rock on her stove. He asked her for a frying pan. She gave him one.
Then He told her if I only had a little bit of cooking oil I could
cook my rock real good, so the lady real curious, gave him some cooking
oil. The lady watched the man stir his rock around. Then the man said to the
lady if I only had some onion It would make this rock taste so good.
So the lady gave him some onion. The he said if I only had a tomato
it would really be good, this rock would just have the best taste.
So she gave him a tomato. The guy stirred his rock with the onion and tomato.
Then the guy told the lady if she would happen to have two eggs, that
the eggs would really do his rock good. So she gave him two eggs. He stirred
up all this in the frying pan. And when he was done, she gave him a plate
to put it on. She was now so curious about how this man was going to eat
this rock and how the rock would get flavor from the other stuff. So she just
watched the guy. He sat down and started to eat. He ate all the food
around the rock and kept pushing the rock aside. Finally all that was
left on his plate was the rock. The lady asked him if he was going to eat
his rock. He told her he was already full so he decided to save his rock
for later.
----------------------------------------------------
Treu Story
The Arizona (U.S.) Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering
metal imbedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road,
at the apex of a curve.
The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a
car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
The boys in the lab finally figured out what it was, and what had
happened.
It seems that a guy had somehow got hold of a JATO unit, (Jet
Assisted Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give
heavy military transport planes an extra `push' for taking off from
short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert,
and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO
unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the JATO!!
Best as they could determine, he was doing somewhere between 250 and
300 mph (350-420kph) when he came to that curve....
The brakes were completely burned away, apparently from trying to
slow the car.
MORAL:
Solid-fuel rockets don't have an 'off'... once started, they burn at
full thrust 'till the fuel is all gone.
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