Date: 9 Feb 91
----------------------------------------------------
From: Michael.Marsden@newcastle.ac.uk (Michael Marsden)
Q: How do you get 30 Israelis into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's air-tight
Q: How do you get 30 Americans into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's got oil in it
Q: How do you get 30 French into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's not in Iraq
Q: How do you get 30 Europeans into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's no fighting involved
Q: How do you get 30 British politicians in a telephone box?
A: Tell them there are votes in it
Q: How do you get 30 Brits into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's safer than a Tornado
Q: How do you get 30 British MI5 men into a telephone box?
A: Tell them an Iraqi lives there
Q: How do you get 30 British-resident Iraqis into a telephone box?
A: Tell the MI5 men it's Pentonville Prison
Q: How do you get 30 Russians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's a slice of bread in it
Q: How do you get 30 peace protesters into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's the American Embassy
Q: How do you get 30 Turks into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's not an airbase, honest
Q: How do you get 30 Kuwaitis into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's an Iraqi coming
Q: How do you get 30 Iranians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them to do it in the sacred name of Allah
Q: How do you get 30 American Generals into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's a target of the Allied bombers
Q: How do you get 30 reporters into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's in Baghdad
Q: How do you get 30 Palestinians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them if they do, you'll liberate the Occupied Territories
Q: How do you get 30 telephone company engineers into a telephone box?
A: You must be joking! You can't even get ONE in a telephone box...
Q: How do you get 30 students into a telephone box?
A: Make the other 70 homeless
----------------------------------------------------
From: nazgul@alphalpha.com (Kee Hinckley)
My father told me this one, as he heard it from one of the parents.
One day their daughter comes home from third grade all excited.
Her teacher has been telling the class all about how women are the
equals of men, and that they should receive equal pay for equal
work. She's all excited and she goes on and on telling her parents
about this. Finally she says, "Daddy, when you become president you
should pass a law that says that women should be paid the same as men!".
At this point her mother says, "Maybe I should do it when *I* become
president.". To which their daughter replies, "Don't be silly Mommy,
*women* can't be presidents!".
----------------------------------------------------
Contributed by: ihps3!ihuxv!aark
Many people don't know that Johann Sebastian Bach, besides being
a famous organist and composer, was also the best organ builder
of his time. His organs were beautifully crafted and sheer joy
to play. It was universally agreed, though, that what really
set his organs apart from all the other organ builder's instruments
was the exquisite tonal beauty and variety of the stops on his
organs. (For those who don't know, an organ stop is a single set
or rank of pipes that spans the whole keyboard. A pipe organ
typically has many stops, each with a different tonal quality,
thus affording the organ great versatility in the way it sounds.)
Consequently, everyone wanted a Bach organ, and all the other
organ builders were being driven out of business.
The other organ builders tried and tried to learn Bach's secret
method for building such beautiful stops. He refused to tell
it. He was so jealous that he even refused to let the others
examine the pipes he made, fearing they would be able to
figure out his secret. Desperate, the organ builders met to
try to figure out a way to get their hands on some of the stops.
Various suggestions were made and rejected. Finally, one of
them got a brilliant idea. "Why not announce a contest?" he
said. "We'll give a prize to anyone who sends in two Bach stops!"
----------------------------------------------------
From: julia@mike.COM (Julia Wilkinson)
Wasn't it Joan of Arc who said, "Is it just me or is it hot
in here?"
Wasn't it Caesar Augustus who said "Silly me...here it is the middle
of January and I'm still writing 'B.C.' on my checks."
Wasn't it Dan Quayle who said, "What was the question?"
Wasn't it Saddam Hussein who said, "What's the number for 911?"
Wasn't it Roseanne Barr who said, "It ain't over 'til I sing"?
Wasn't it the captain of the Exxon Valdez who said "Damn! Who
brought the corkscrew?"
Wasn't it Saddam Hussein who said, "I am confident that my superior
air force will wipe the infidels out of the sky"?
----------------------------------------------------
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Bureaucratic circumlocution of the week
Electronic News (January 14 1991) page 8
Digital Sets First Layoffs; 3,500 Jobs to Go
Maynard Mass - Digital Equipment Corp., buffeted by both the
industry-wide shift to low-cost standard hardware and the general
economic recession, last week set plans for its first formal layoffs
ever as part of a program for cutting up to 3,5000 jobs over the next
few months.
...
DEC didn't issue a formal statement regarding its plans, and company
officials studiously avoided describing the impending reductions as
layoffs. They instead characterized the upcoming cuts as a
``severance program with an involuntary methodology.''
----------------------------------------------------
Selections from Victor Schartz's collection: SCHWARTZ_VICTOR@tandem.com
HERSHEY, PA. (AP) - U.S. soldiers in Saudi Arabia finally have chocolate bars
that melt in their mouths, not in the sand.
At the request of the Army, Hershey Foods Corp. sent 144,000 "Hershey's Desert
Bars" that won't melt in 100 degree-plus heat.
The first round of heat-resistant chocolate sent earlier this month to the
Persian Gulf was a test of the product, said Hershey spokeswoman Bonnie Glass.
If the chocolate bars taste good and are tough enough for desert warfare,
Hershey will send thousands more, she said.
"Chocolate has long been an American favorite, and we are happy that we can
supply the soldiers in Saudi Arabia with a familiar taste from home," said
Richard A. Zimmerman, Hershey's chairman and chief executive officer.
The troops haven't sent word yet on the Desert Bar, but an Army spokesman said
the chocolate candy is good.
----------------------------
(From "News of the Weird" in the 12/9 San Jose Mercury News:)
Lawrence Smith, convicted of dealing stolen cars in a Hartford, Conn. sting
operation in June, defended himself at trial by claiming that he had known the
buyers were police officers all along and he thought selling the cars to the
police officers was the best way of getting the cars to their proper owners.
----------------------------
The Xerox corporate telephone directory (at least the Spring/Summer 1990
version, on page 108) lists:
Fish, Wanda J
an employee in El Segundo, California.
Note, however, that her alias is JFish ... J standing for "Joan" (her middle
name) rather than "Jelly".
----------------------------
(Scott Gellerman contributed this "ain't it the truth!" line from comedian
George CArlin:)
All the drivers driving slower than you are idiots, and all the drivers going
faster are maniacs.
----------------------------
"I'm not paranoid ... but I'm terrified of BECOMING paranoid!"
Ziggy
----------------------------
Although history has long forgotten them, Lambini & Sons are generally credited
with the Sistine Chapel floor.
Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
----------------------------
(From the February issue of Consumer Reports magazine:)
A printed advertisement for Dunkin' Donuts:
Free
3 Muffins when you
buy 3 at the regular
1/2 dozen price
----------------------------------------------------
Selections from Gunter Ahrendt's collection: gunter@antlia.cc.uwa.oz.au
A naval Captain was advised that there was another vessel on a near-collision
course with his own. He radioed for the other ship to change course ten
degrees south. The reply came back for the Captain to order a change in his
own course ten degress north.
Incensed, the Captain radioed, "I am a Captain; change your course."
The reply was, "I am a Seaman First Class; change your course."
Furious now, the Captain responded with, "This is a #$@*&%^*&*!@! battleship;
you change YOUR course!"
Came the reply: "This is a #$@*&%^*&*!@! lighthouse; you change YOUR course!"
----------------------------
Mork from Ork and his first Christmas experience. If you think the Holidays
are confusing, just read this.
"Mork calling Orson. Mork calling Orson...Hello, Orson? Orson, they have
this amazing festival down here, that everybody gets into, but especially the
stores and shopping malls...What's that?..Oh well, it's sort of an enclosed
walkway where you can go and meet your friends, and smell cookies baking and
buy ice cream cones to spill on the clothes in the stores, and they're all
the same in every city...I think there's an enourmous computer somewhere that
spits them out and drops them in the suburbs right in the middle of a sea of
automobiles that can't move, but they got in there somehow, but there's no
way to get anymore in and...Oh, yes, the festival...Well, it's all about a
little boy, with a drum, and he's born in a sleigh, in some straw, right next
to some chestnuts roasting on an open fire...Yes, it's all very dangerous,
but it's okay because he is guarded by this enourmous fat man in a read suit,
named Round John Virgin and he's standing by a tree with a partridge in it,
drinking something called Wassail...No, I'm not exactly sure what that is,
and nobody here can tell me.
"But there's a lady kneeling nearby with a light over her head, and a couple
of sheep and a donkey and a camel and this really strange deer with a red
electric nose. And a dog sleeping on top of his house while a crotchety old
man is hoisting this crippled boy on his shoulder who is holding a turkey by
the neck saying, "God bless us everyone!" Yeah, the little boy says that, not
the turkey...Well, anyway, after they sing awhile, they take all these packages
and wrap them up in paper, which they then take right off again and the little
kids play with the paper and the older kids says "Is this all there is?" And
the fathers sit in front of the picture-box and the mothers collapse on a
chair. The whole festival concludes 60 days later with an observance called
Visa Card Day, when everybody becomes really serious, religious, and
worshipful. Millions of people open envelopes and say, "My God!" Yeah, its
really a lot of fun. We aught to introduce it up there on Ork...Well, that's
all for now. Nanu, nanu!"
----------------------------
Two men go duck hunting. They settle down in their hide and start waiting
for the ducks. This gets rapidly boring for one of them so he reaches into
his backpack and withdraws a bottle of 100 proof scotch.
"Want some." he asks his mate.
"No I've got to concentrate on hunting ducks."
"O.K." he says and happily drains the bottle.
They go back to watching for ducks. Again the man gets bored and gets from
his backpack another bottle of scotch.
"Want some." he asks again.
"No, thanks" is his reply
"Your loss." he says and happily drains the bottle.
He's pretty sloshed by now, but goes back to help his friend watch for ducks.
A minute later a single duck flies up.
"Bang!!!" goes his mates gun.
"Damm missed" his mate says.
The man waves his gun in the general direction of the sky.
"Bang!!!" his gun goes. He kills the duck straight.
"Wow," his mate, "how did you do that??????"
"Well," he replied , " when there's a whole flock you could hardly miss
could you?"
----------------------------
Q. Why is rowing the best type of training if you want to be a politician ?
A. Becauce you face one way and go the other.
----------------------------------------------------
Selection from Brad's collection:
----------------------------
From: an@??.UUCP
That money talks, I'll not deny.
I heard it once. It said "good-bye".
----------------------------
From: postpischil@alien.enet.dec.com (Eric)
Subject: Product advertising claim
[This is original.]
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you
buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back
and demand a refund?
----------------------------
From: bwhite@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Bill White)
Subject: Mathematics, original (as far as I know!)
Q: What's a polar bear?
A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
----------------------------
From: UD009831@vm1.nodak.edu (Steve Penoncello)
Subject: Medical survey results
Heard on Leno's monologue a few weeks ago:
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
----------------------------
From: davidp@labtam.oz.au (David Purdue)
Subject: The wonders of modern technology!
Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so
fast it can photograph an American with his mouth shut!
----------------------------
From: jtk@mordor.s1.gov (Jordan Kare)
Subject: Making a Killing (Original)
The price of political asassinations in Eastern Europe
has dropped by a factor of two in recent weeks.
It seems the KGB is going out of business, so they're
having a liquidation sale.
----------------------------
From: FIN13@msu.UUCP (Mary.Nelson)
Subject: work (lack of)
I clipped this Frank and Ernest comic out of the paper about a year ago:
Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. "Ever since
they threatened to fire me," Frnak replied.
----------------------------
From: dave@lsuc.on.ca (David Sherman)
Subject: cut here (from a recent Usenet posting)
--------- if you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ----------
(source code appeared next)
----------------------------
From: ark@research.att.com
Subject: answering machine message [original]
Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.
----------------------------
From: sullivan@crabcake.cs.jhu.edu
Subject: Robotic life
A cartoon in Thrust magazine by Teddy Harvia:
The scene depicts two robots. One robot is lying supine on
a couch and the second robot is sitting on a chair facing the couch.
The second robot is grasping a notebook and pencil and is saying,
"When did you first realize you hated your manufacturer?".
----------------------------
From: dre@myrias.UUCP (Duane Eitzen)
Subject: An excerpt from Tehran University catalogue:
ENGL 323: English Literature
This course will concentrate on critical analysis of various
works from Britain, Canada and the United States. Knowledge of
the English language is not required but experience with plastic
explosives is recommended. This course is not open to students who have martered themselves in previous offerings from this department.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Robert H Sperry:Wbst128
Once of the stories in the last anthology of antecdotes reminded me of
one that I was told several years ago by a Century Data technician.
The Century Data T-300 disk drive is a large drive using 1970šs technology.
The platters in this drive are removable, and cost on the order of $2,000.
The eighteen heads fly above the platters on a thin film of air, generated
by the aerodynamics of the disk spinning past the heads and the air flow
within the enclosure. The gap between the heads and the platters in only
microns, so for this whole scheme to work the air inside of the enclosure
must be clean and dust free. The T-300 drive furnishes a large volume of
clean air be drawing it in from the intake vents located at the bottom of
the cabinet and passing it through an absolute filter, which removes
particles as small as a micron or two. This filter must be replaced on a
regular basis, or the air flow will cease, and the heads will no longer fly,
and catastrophy (i.e. a had crash) occurs. The CE told me about some T-300
drives which were located in a data processing center, that had a head crash.
He fixed the drives and returned them to service and informed the people
at the data center of the necessity of replacing the filters on semi-annual
basis. A few weeks latter he was back there with the same problem; again
the filters were clogged with dirt. This who process repeated several times
in the following months. Finally, the culprit was found. The janitor had
discovered that by sweeping the dust under the drives, it was not necessary
to get out the dust pan. He had found his own set of vacumn cleaners.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Donald P Grantham:DlosLV300
Re: your computer foul-up stories. I supported Xerox Visual Type, which used the Diablo series 30 disk drives. LA (Calif.) County Purchasing complained of disk errors, Long study showed that the disk packs showed errors, but only on Mondays. Furtherr checks: only on the FIRST Monday of the month, and then only on 30% of the packs.
Troubleshooting by our local techs revealed squat. They sent me (more to get me out of their hair than anything else). I stayed in the offoce over the weekend, and, upon returning from dinner on Sunday evening, found the clean-up crew finishing up. Waxing the floor. Swinging this huge floor-buffer across the floor, and up to the cabinets which housed the archive disk packs. The entire bottom row (the aforementioned 30%) was totally erased by the magnetic field of the buffer.
Ergo, Dirt Is Good.
Zeke
----------------------------------------------------
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