Date: 2 Mar 91 17:01:10 PST (Saturday)
Subject: Life 7.6
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Question: What does Saddam Hussein have in common with Fred Flinstone?
Answer: They both can look out of their window and see rubble!
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Q. Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking?
A. Why should he when he can get bombed at home?
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Why won't the Israelis cooperate with the US in the Gulf War for very long?
Because the last time they listened to a "bush", they wandered lost in the
desert for forty years!!!
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Baghdad Radio reports that Iraq's Scud missles have intercepted and
destroyed incoming Patriot missiles seven times. The Patriots were launched
from Israel and Saudi Arabia and never even made it to Iraq's borders before
they were destroyed. The advanced Iraqi early warning system has
permitted the intercepting Scud missle to be launched before
the Patriot missle it will destroy.
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The latest from Saudi Arabia and Baghdad is that :
Americans claim they have air superiority over Iraq.
Iraqis claim they have air superiority over Iran.
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Responding to a report that Saddam has executed his Air Defense and Air Force
chiefs for incompetence, LTG Kelley stated: "He has a very dynamic
zero-defects program."
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Humorist Mark Russel on the Today Show (2/8/91):
"After Saddam is dead the only enemy we will have left is Dan Rather"
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Q: What's the national bird of Iraq?
A: DUCK!
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What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?
You shout out, "B-52"
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I heard in the Danish radio news a hour after the surrender, that the iraqis
was to clean up after themselves in respect to mines. How does an iraqi mine
detector look like ?
(Put the a finger in each ear, close your eyes, put your weight on one foot,
and carefully tap the floor in front of you with the other.)
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Supposedly genuine Iraqi joke, quoted in "Moscow News":
...A foreigner asks an Iraqi what the population of his
country is. "30 million," he replies. - "30 million??" -
"Well, it's 17 million people, plus 13 million portraits of
Saddam."
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The Washington Post (known by some as "Pravda on the Potomac," but
I love it anyway) reports that the latest Persian Gulf War joke is:
"What's the most popular bumper sticker in the Iraqi air force?
If you can read this, you must be defecting too..."
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Have you heard about the new Royal Iraqi Air Force exercise program?
Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.
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New version of an old jokes:
The new version:
An American tourist is visiting Iraq, and he's talking with a Iraqi
about the fact that not many people in Iraq own cars.
The American says, "I can't belive you don't have cars here! How do you
get to work?"
The Iraqi replies, "We take bus."
The American asks, "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
The Iraqi replies, "We take train."
The American asks, "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
The Iraqi replies, "We don't want go abroad."
The American presses further and asks, "Well, what if you really HAVE to
go abroad?"
The Iraqi replies, "We take tanks."
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Saddam Hussein was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to go
to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source of his
problem. "I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your dreams"
said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will die on a Jewish
holiday."
"And which holiday will this be?" he asked.
"It does not matter." she replied. "Any day that you die will be a
Jewish Holiday."
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Amnesty International has alleged that Iraqui detainees in the UK are
being kept with no heating, lighting, fresh water or proper sanitation and that
they are being kept awake all night and face abritrary justice on charges they
have not been told about.
When asked to comment, a Home Office spokesman said "We're just trying to make
them feel at home"
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[From San Diego Union, 31-Jan-91, page B2]
Linguistic experts told New York magazine that the name Saddam has two distinct meanings. With the accent placed correctly on the second syllable, it means "learned one." But when Mr. Bush says Saddam (sounds like "Adam"), it means "a boy who fixes or cleans old shoes."
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P.S. (For Scottish soccer fans,)
Saddam Hussein is walking along and spots an old brass lamp on the ground
(amongst the rubble?!). Picking it up, he says to himself, "Don't really
believe all that magic stuff, but what the heck!" and begins to rub the lamp.
Out pops a Genie, who pledges undying loyalty to the beer-bellied one, and
promises to grant his every wish.
GENIE: So what can I do for you, your bizarrely-moustachioedness?
SH: Look at this map. It shows Iraq, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Israel, Iran, and
all of Europe. I want to rule them all for ever.
GENIE: Hmmm.... Bit hard. Let me sleep on it. Anything else?
SH: Yes, I'd like Celtic to win the Scottish Cup.
GENIE: Let's see the map again...?
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Subject: Not an idle threat
From: dodson@mozart.convex.com (Dave Dodson)
News Flash: Saddam Hussein claims to have captured 1,000 American
lawyers. He plans to release one at a time until we surrender!
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From: patvh@vice.ICO.TEK.COM (Pat Van Hoomissen)
True Story - Last week one of our troops, a lance corporal, called up the
Bagdad Hotel to make reservations for a party to be held in a week. "And how
many will there be in your party?" the women asked seriously...
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Subject: Smart Weapons
From: gscott@portia.stanford.edu
(This is original.)
Early reports from the Persian Gulf have sung the praises of our smart
weapons. The cruise missiles would first stop by the Baghdad Post Office
to see if the target had filed a change of address, then head down the
main boulevard, carefully observing all traffic lights. Upon reaching
the target, the missile would knock on the door, display the correct
password to gain entrance, and penetrate deeply into the building before
detonating.
The precision of those weapons is most impressive, but I have a different
concept of a truly "smart" weapon. It would say to
the designer, "You want me to crash into a concrete wall and explode? No,
no, no. Let me have a chat with the man. Give me a letter of
introduction, 'A Mr. Thomas Hauke to see Saddam Hussein' or
words to that effect. I'd say to him, 'You realize that I'm carrying a
half-ton of explosive, and if I were to carry out my intended mission, well,
it would be an enormous headache for your maintenance staff.
I'd much prefer to have a spot of tea and discuss the latest video technology.
If you'd be a good man and withdraw from Kuwait, I'm sure we could
reach an amicable agreement.'"
I suppose that there are some problems with my scheme. Contemplative weapons
might reflect on their purpose in the universe, and too much of the wrong flavor
of existentialism could have a devastating effect. "Whether I destroy an
Iraqi or Saudi airbase is a matter of complete indifference to the universe."
There's nothing more dangerous than a nihilistic missile.
For the time being, I suspect that while designers will continue to make
weapons more "intelligent," in the sense of being able to perform more
complex tasks, they will still pursue their missions with the single-mindedness
of an untenured professor. The weapons, that is.
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Iraqi jokes from Spaf
From: eeg@frame.com (Eric Griswold)
Subject: The British and the war
I think that the best reason to have the British involved in the
Gulf War is watching British journalist's distaste at having to
say the word "scud".
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
From: slo@hplb.hpl.hp.com (Steve Loughran)
Subject: Iraq vs. France
So how did George Bush persuade the French to take part in the war with Iraq?
The only reason I can think of is that the CIA came up with irrefutable
evidence that Saddam Hussein was a member of Greenpeace.
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From: adeboer@gjetor.geac.com (Anthony DeBoer)
I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian
Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly
happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:
Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over [such-and-such] beacon".
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! _I'm_ holding at 3000 over
that beacon!"
(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
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This joke can actually be attributed to the Irish Premiere, who was asked
"What do you think of the Audi 80?", and replied "I'm sure at least some
of them are innocent."
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Denny's resturants are also open 24 hours a day. When they decided to close
last Christmas (first time ever), they realized that a lot of doors did
not have locks, most of those that did have locks, no one knew where to
find the keys!
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news of the weird
Wrong place, wrong time
Four teen-agers were arrested in the parking lot of a large mall in
Lakeland, Fla., just before Christmas when, attempting to steal an
automobile at random, they tried to break into a police van containing three
officers on a stakeout.
Gene Robinson, 24, was arrested in Dayton, Tenn., after having sat for part
of a session as a member of a grand jury hearing drug cases. He had already
voted on 20 indictments when the next name that came up was his. He raised
his hand, said, "That's me," and excused himself. His fellow members
indicted him, and police arrested him at his home a short time later.
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Not exactly a bank-robber story, but ....
Several years ago, in Denver Colorado, a man went to H&R Block
with this story: Twenty years ago, he had gotten out of prison
and had trouble when people found out he was an ex-con. So he
changed his name and moved to where they didn't know him.
People would eventually find out, so he kept moving and changing
his name. In all that time, he had not paid his taxes. Now he
was doing very well and he was tired of moving all the time. He
wanted H&RBlock to figure out what he owed in back taxes so he
could settle down. H&R Block took his list of names and
addresses and old jobs and did several months of research for
him. When they got all the forms filled out, he sent the forms
and alot of *cash* to the IRS and then skipped town without paying
H&R Block. The people at that office of H&R Block thought this
was so funny that they put the story in the Denver paper.
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Faced with economic pressures, many commercial offices are cutting back on
costs wherever possible, in an attempt to remain profitable.
At one particular office, employees are taking management's belt-tightening
orders seriously:
"I'm taking home only half the office supplies I used to", one staffer notes.
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Heard in an interview with George Will on WSB Radio, Atlanta:
Caller: "What do you think about football?"
Will: "Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American
life. Violence and committee meetings."
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At one time, there was a Sea Scout camp outside Norfolk, Va., that was so
close to the beach the porpoises used to swim into shore at dinnertime.
The camp's chef would announce the meal by yelling, "Chow time! For all in
tents -- and porpoises!"
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"The World's Worst Puns" (Reader's Digest article, 7/82)
(Condensed from the book by John S. Crosbie)
Much has been written about helping plants to grow by playing music or
singing to them. Success has now been reported by a man who has been
experimenting with obscene fern calls.
At a local popular racket club, you have to book well ahead if you want to
reserve a tennis court. One tennis enthusiast was so soncerned about not
losing his booking that he left early from his wife's funeral. It was a
case of putting the court before the hearse.
Rabbit is a favorite dish in Paris. They raise them in the hutch back of
Notre Dame.
My greatest contribution to humor came when I taught my pet lizard to walk
on its hind legs. It was the world's first stand-up chameleon.
When the FBI arrested the head of a Mafia family, he turned out to be a
very proud man and kept refusing to answer their questions. They grilled
him all night without success but, finally, when morning came the don
broke.
An inexperienced butcher in northern Canada was asked by a hunter to cut up
and package a huge moose. Never having seen one before, the young man
nonetheless managed to get it cut into pieces and to parcel and label the
obvious parts: steaks, chops, ribs, etc. He had a lot of pieces left over,
however, that he couldn't identify. So he parceled each of them as well
and marked them "Mooselaneous."
It is a little known fact that many lighthouse keepers raise hens.
Apparently, they like to have eggs with their beacon.
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Another organically grown entry for rec.humus. Only natural punchlines
are used in my jokes, and no antibiotics now that the infection has gone
down.
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Apple Corporation Sues Itself.
[AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads,
Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computers Corporation. The
company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own
machines which has helped to make the company famous.
An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke. If we don't protect our
copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the
exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses
the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves." The spokesperson
says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and
Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple's in house lawyers will defend.
Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure
sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. "In the
old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the
competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on
reality."
The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins
the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all
Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid
all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple
terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression
in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to
learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college
students and professionals.
-David Lowry
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