Date: 19 Apr 91 11:11:11 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life 7.7
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Years ago, I saw a show put on by Red Skelton, who asked:
"Did you ever wonder where poeple in hell tell people to go?"
And from way in the back of the auditorium, there came a shout:
"Detroit!"
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Speaking of religion and cricket in the same breath :
Apparently the French have a saying that since the English have never
been particularly religious, they invented cricket to give themselves
some idea of the notion of Eternity.
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There are big signs in Myer at the moment proclaiming "Daylight Savings".
Knowing their usual pricing, I reckon they should read "Daylight Robbery".
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I found this warning on a small utility knife in MIT's lab supply:
Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.
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Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives,
stop thinking and go on.
--Andrew Jackson
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Chris Biagini: In the category of governmentese, this is from an EPA report.
"The carcinogenic response observed in humans has a biological basis, although the precise mechanisms are only vaguely understood."
My translation: We haven't the foggiest notion of what's going on.
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From: cth@hpfcso.HP.COM (CT Hart)
Many years ago, my father borrowed my car for a trip to Denver.
He returned, sheepishly explaining that while it was parked in
a public lot, someone had smashed out the back window with a
2x4 and stolen everything in the back seat...
You guessed it - the thieves got two boxes of trash and a dead
battery. And I got a perfectly good 2x4.
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I was watching TV a couple of nights ago, there was a reasonably
interesting talkshow going on. They were interviewing someone who
believed he was immoratal. The interview went something like this:
Q: So you believe you're immortal?
A: Yes, I do, I cannot die.
Q: You mean you'll reincarnate?
A: No, I mean it as I say it, I will not die.
Q: Are there other immortal people?
A: Yes, there used to be.
Q: You mean they're dead now?
A: Yeah, they all died.
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The police recently busted a man selling tablets he said gave
eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed
it was the fourth time he was caught for doing this.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856 and 1928.
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Do you know why God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac at age 12?
Because at 13 it would no longer be a sacrifice.
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Chess-playing has been prohibited in South Africa.
The government doesn't like black kings.
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Dr. Odell fell down a well
And broke his collar bone.
But Doctors should attend the sick,
and leave the well alone.
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While you're on mythical bank robbery stories:
I heard of a bank robber who wrote the message:
Give me all your money, I have a bom
(yes, bomb was misspelled)
...ON the back of one of his MOTHER'S CHECKS
Also, my girlfriend works in a bank, occasionally they
get hold up notes, bacause kids write things on the
backs of deposit slips (and their parents don't
always notice.)
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WHAT DO YOU CALL A SKODA WITH A SUN ROOF
A SKIP (Thats what we use to pick up rubbish in).
_______________
WHY DO SKODAS HAVE REAR HEATED WINDOWS?
KEEPS YOUR HANDS WARM WHILE YOU'RE PUSHING IT.
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A GUY WENT INTO A GARAGE AND SAID
"HAVE YOU GOT A FAN BELT FOR A SKODA?"
THE GARAGE ATTNDANT SAID "THAT'S A FAIR SWAP".
___________
HOW DO YOU DOUBLE THE PRICE OF A SKODA
PUT GAS IN IT
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An MD (Manta Driver) comes into a hotel, books himself a room and then goes
with his keys and bag to the lift. He waits a while and then the lift arrives
and the door opens. The MD walks in and stands there waiting. He waits. And
he waits. Eventually a porter comes along and asks him,
"What are you waiting for for so long?",
The MD replies, "For the others, ey.",
Porter says, "The others ... ?"
MD replies, "Yer, it says here 'Lift authorised only for 8 people'"
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An MD wants to sell his Manta and so puts an advert in the paper:
Opel Manta GTE 200,000 km DM 4500
One week later ... nothing happens.
Two weeks later ... still nothing.
In the third week a friend phones up and says, "Ey, are you daft? If you say the
car has done 200,000 km nobody will be interested. Take a screwdriver and turn
the mileometer back to 50,000 km, then try selling it again."
One week later the advertisment is no longer in the paper. The friend rings up
again and asks, "Hey, what's up with your Manta?"
The MD replies, "Ey, man, do you think I'm going to sell a Manta that's only
done 50,000 km?"
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A Manta and a Porsche are driving along side by side on the autobahn.
The Porsche speeds up to 120 (kmph remember) ... the Manta is still there.
The Porsche reaches 160 ... still the Manta is alongside.
The Porsche reaches 200 ... the Manta Driver winds down his window and shouts
across to the Porsche driver, "Ey, do you know Mantas, ey?"
The Porsche driver replies "Yes, why?"
The MD says, "Ey, man, can you tell me how to get into second gear?"
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There are two MD friends who have exactly the same Mantas: same spoilers,
same fox-tail on the aerial, same keys - everything. So naturally they have
trouble telling which car belongs to who.
The first MD comes up with an idea.
"Ey, man, ey, this is no good!", he says and makes a little scratch on the
bonnet of his car to make the two cars distinguishable.
This is fine for a time, and the two friends are able to tell which is their
car.
A few days later though the second friend comes back with the same scratch
on the bonnet! "Ey that's no good!" says the first MD, and makes
a dent in the wing of his Manta.
Again everything is ok for a few days, but then the second MD comes back
with exactly the same dent in exactly the same place on his Manta!
This time the second MD comes up with an idea:
"Ey, you know what ey? You take the blue Manta and I'll take the red one!"
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There is this MD (Manta-Driver) who goes into his local toy shop and buys
a child's puzzle.
Exactly one year later to the day he returns to the same show looking very
pleased with himself. He goes up to the assistant brandishing the puzzle,
MD: Ey, man, ey, I got this puzzle here 1 year ago and I just finished it!
Assistant: Yes, so what? (she isn't very polite)
MD: Ey, that's not bad ey? It says on the box 3-5 years!
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MD's son: Dad can I have a drive in your Manta?
MD : And what's the magic word son?
MD's son: Ey, dad, ey, can I have a drive in your Manta?
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Q. What do you call a Lada at the topof a hill?
A. A Miracle.
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(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
To code the impossible code,
To bring up a virgin machine,
To pop out of endless recursion,
To grok what appears on the screen,
To right the unrightable bug,
To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
To mount the unmountable magtape,
To stop the unstoppable crash!
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All this talk about stupid computer users reminds me of
a few stories that was reported in a magazine a while back over
here in the uk.
One guy wanted his Atari 800 to play space invaders faster so
he bypassed the power pack and plugged in right into the mains.
240V instead of 12V smoke one Atari.
Another lady was concerned that there wasn't a mouse in her
new computers box, always quick to improvise she
went down the pet shop and brought one!!!!.
A while ago(~1983) is was a fad amoung some computer mags to include a
flexible record on the cover, this would contain some computer programs
which could be copied onto tape using a normal Hi-Fi.
This magazine (What Computer I think) had a phone call from a
concerned man stating that he could only get it in his disk drive if
he folded it in half!
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FYI, have a good weekend, Henry III. Mike.
November 8, 1990
YOU CAN'T FOOL 'EM DOWN ON THE FARM!
Real Americans talk About Why They Chose the Sun
SPARCstation 2000 (tm)
"Wow - with a workstation that powerful, I could get twice as
much milking done."
- Mrs. Elaine Noose, Scumwater, Oklahoma
"Out here on the farm, you really learn to appreciate the value
of good graphics resolution."
- Ted Lumplin, Brat's Head, Nebraska
"After we lost most of our cattle stock to pellegra, our barn
burned down. After that, Joe got himself caught in the thresher
and lost most of his body hair. Then the banks foreclosed. It
sure was a comfort to know that we had 28 MIPs of power to see us
through hard times."
- Darrell LaQuench, Pine Agony, Maine
"I believe that Virtual Quilting, using high-speed networking
services, will be the wave of the future."
- Mrs. Jane Dobrynin, Fleughh, Utah
"Last week we had a fella from Digital come out and look at the
soybean crop. After 20 minutes, Ma chased him off and threw his
keyboard out the window. We`re from old Norwegian stock, and we
know a thing or two about bus controllers."
- Buck Flange, Arkansas, Texas
Why has the SPARCstation 2000 caught the imagination of the Amer-
ican working man and working woman like no other computer in its
class? Maybe it's the extra features, like the padded Corinthean
leather screen, or the safety air bag that inflates when the
typing buffer gets too full. Maybe it's the tradition of honest
service and free doughnuts. Then again, maybe not.
Sun Microsystems. A Step Ahead of Your Cows.
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This is too good not to send out. From Datamation 15-Jan-91 p.17:
Maintaining a Hardware Mindset
Huntsville, Ala. -- Although a number of Wall Street analysts question the wisdom of any compnay below a certain size remaining the the hardware business, the alternative isn't all that appealing to Intergraph Corp. Atop its own Clipper reduced instruction set computing processors, the company builds UNIX systems that are bundled with software and sold to users for computer-aided design, among other applications. Why not just focus on software? "There are only four or five software companies whose annua
l revenues meet or exceed $500 million," observes Eliott D. James, president of Intergraph, whose sales last year were expected to top $1 billion. "It's difficult to sustain a large software company -- due, in part, to the quirky nature of software programmers."
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Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
-- Dykstra
Expense Accounts, n.:
Corporate food stamps.
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
-- Mike Adams
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
supposed to do.
-- R. A. Heinlein
I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
-- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
Stult's Report:
Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is
fight the solutions.
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
Superiority is recessive.
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
and color, but also on ability.
-- T. Lehrer
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
-- Mark Twain
"Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
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,,, But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
finite or an infinite number.
-- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
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A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
"No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
"But the collar is up around my ears!"
"It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
little more ... that's it."
"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
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During the reign of Alexander the Great, a special dye was discovered
which, when put on a piece of cloth, would change its shade depending on
the intensity of the sun. This enabled the people to tell the time of day.
One of these dye-soaked materials was presented to the king. He wore it
proudly, tied around his head. And that is origin of Alexander's ragtime
band.
The famous Oriental detective Charlie Chan was wounded by an opponent.
Hurriedly bandaged, he was rushed to a hospital. While waiting in the
emergency ward, he peered under the bandage and was heard to mutter, "Ah
so! The clot thickens!"
When mites from the pigeon pen infested the backyard grass, it was little
comfort to reflect that the pen was mite-ier than the sward.
A newcomer to the penitentiary was tipped off by his cellmate that if he
made romantic advances to the warden's wife, she could get his jail term
shortened. However, he decided that it wasn't right to end his sentence
with a proposition.
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