Date: 10 May 91 13:50:07 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life 7.A
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Q: What's the difference between Bigfoot and intelligent man?
A: Bigfoot's been spotted a several times.
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Two women who hadn't seen each other for
a while met at the mall. One said to
the other, "Agnes, it's been so long. I
heard you even got married."
"Yes," the second said, "I married a lawyer,
and an honest man, too!"
"Hmmm," said the first woman, "Isn't that
bigamy?"
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I heard this on Dave Broadfoot's monologue on Air Farce today:
Q: How amny Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Canadians don't change lightbulbs, we accept them as they are.
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Q: what's the best way to accelerate a Macintosh?
A: 9.8 m/(s*s)
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So I'm driving in today, and the INB plug for "let us save you money
paying bills" came on the radio. They want to save you the cost of
checks, stamps, and envelopes.
"At INB we figure that you can pay up to thirty-nine cents or more on
each bill. If you pay 20 bills each month, that's over one hundred
dollars a year"
I'm in a particular hurry to give these math majors my accounting business.
Has anyone made use of this service?
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Mechanic to customer : I'm afraid you have more of a problem than I anticipated
Your battery needs a new car.
Payment Plan : While on a shopping expedition, I mistakenly handed the
salesperson my blood-donor card to pay for one of my purchases. He looked
at it and then gave it back, saying "That's all right, lady. We still only
want money."
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Heard 11 Apr, 91 at 6:57 AM on radio station KKUP, Cupertino, CA:
Host: Well, do you have any concluding statements, Marshall?
Guest: No, I don't, Larry.
Host: Then could you say something to last about three minutes?
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From the Star Tribune, _Letters from readers_, April 9, 1991:
(Some background -- a police investigation recently resulted in a bust
in which a couple dozen postal employee were arrested for being
involved with drugs or drug dealing "on the job". I assume this is
original to the author, W. L. Gillies)
Regarding the postal workers arrested for drugs
in Minneapolis [MN] last week, I hope that the
investigating team did not waste any time or
money looking for speed or other amphetamines.
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In response to an article from earlier in my collection,
Peter Karras responded:
there WAS some development into ejection seats for helicopters. they would
fetch the pilot SIDEWAYS out of the chopper.
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From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
]From March 6th San Francisco Chronicle:
"I've never taken drugs, so that's why I'm probably not a big
Doors fan."
Spike Lee expressing his deep admiration for Jim Morrison
and the Doors, in US magazine.
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Q: How do you spell boss backwards?
A: Double S.O.B.
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While out Looking For A Place To Hunt: (supposedly true)
A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into
a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission
to hunt. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you
do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old
and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would
you do it for me?" The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car.
While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his
hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the
farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going
to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his
window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed,
"There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the
passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got
the cow!"
Copied from the Brownells Gunsmiths Newsletter who credits Larry
Ahlman, Ahlman's, Rt. 1, Box 20, Morristown, MN 55052.
----------------------------------------------------
Mike Royko had a rather amusing article in August of 1988 regarding Phone
Hucksters. There's this fellow called Robert Bulmash who says that
they [the phone huckster] will be billed for any time used when they
call him. If they persist, he takes them to small claims court. The
article says that he has taken five small companies to court. Royko
goes on to say that he's collected $120 here and there, but now and then
he nails one. One time when he (Bulmash) was making a case against the
Plan-O-Soft Water Conditioning Company, the Judge says, "Yeah! I was called
twice during last night's ball game!" and awarded the guy 97 cents and $38
in court costs. Bulmash has started a company called Private Citizens Inc
which puts together a mailing list (as of the writing, $15 if you want to
join) of people who don't want to be called. If they are called, the
telemarketer gets billed for time.
I wish I had the date for the article, It's roughly August of 1988 in the
Chicago Tribune.
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From: kent@parc.xerox.com
The latest in phone scams occurred this week in New York. [Company foo]
employees with pagers received phone inquiries from 540 numbers, which
are billed the same as 900 numbers. When the number is called, the
customer is automatically charged $55.00. Employees from other
companies around New York have also been hit by this scam.
----------------------------------------------------
I spotted the following in the New York Times last week:
A friend of mine received a phone call. "Who is this?" a
woman's voice answered.
"Whom do you want to speak to?" my friend asked.
"Did you say 'whom'?" the caller inqured after a
somewhat startled pause.
"Yes" my friend said.
"I have the wrong number" the caller said.
Then she hung up.
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Answering machine messages:
--------------------------
From: ken@aiai.ed.ac.uk (Ken Johnson)
Before Louise (daughter, fourteen years) came to stay on Friday evening,
my answering machine message said, in my voice:
`This is 031-343 xxxx. Thank you for calling. I'm sorry, I can't come
to the phone right now, etc. etc.'
Now it says, in Michelangelo's voice:
Hi, dudes, this is 031 343 xxxx. This is the Teenage Mutant Hero
Turtles' secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now
on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine
messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill,
or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza
recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back.
But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the
computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping
noise and you can speak freely.'
All in 28 seconds, too.
--------------------------
[beep, beep, beep]
The number you have reached,
Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four.
[Use your number here.]
has not been disconnected and is still in service.
Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.
----------------------------------------------------
Reportedly heard over the loudspeakers on airplanes:
====================================================
``Ladies and gentlemen, the captain is preparing for the final descent. Please
return your stewardess to her full, upright position for landing
``Please return your seat-backs and tray-tables to their upright and
most uncomfortable positions.''
``So that you don't embarrass yourself by falling on your face in the aisle,
please remain in your seats until the plane comes to a complete stop at the
terminal.''
``On behalf of airline, we'd like to welcome you to Bora-Bora, but instead
we'll welcome you to to Los Angeles.''
``If you are seated next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a
child, put on your oxygen mask first ''
``There is no smoking in the aisles or lavatories. If you are caught smoking
in the lavatories or the aisle, you will be asked to leave the aircraft once
we reach 35,000 feet.''
``Please check the overhead compartments for any personal belongings or small
children you may have brought on board.''
After reading to the safety rules to the passengers after takeoff:
``If you do not follow these rules we will be forced to ask you
to leave.''
``We hope you have enjoyed flying with AirCal today, but if you haven't,
this has been PSA flight 99 to San Francisco.''
]From a PSA captain: ``We hear that AirCal and American are going to
merge. They're going to call the new airline CalCan.''
``The captain has located the airport, so we've begun our descent
into San Diego.''
``Welcome to San Diego The Captain is a much better flyer than
he is a driver so it would be in your best interests to remain
seated until we screech to a full stop at the gate.''
----------------------------------------------------
Walking down the street I came upon a store front with a sign reading
Ole Olsen's Chinese Laundry. Curious, I entered. I asked the old Chinese man
behind the counter who Ole Olson was. He said that he was Ole Olsen. He then
proceeded to tell me the story how he became Ole Olsen.
When he came to this country in the old days, he was in a very long line at
the department of immigration. He finally got near the front of the line
and heard the immigration officer ask the fellow in front of him, "Name?"
Ole Olsen, came the reply. Next was his turn. "Name?" So he told him his
name, "Sam Ting." Ever since then he has been known as Ole Olsen.
----------------------------------------------------
From Risks
From: jane@stratus.swdc.stratus.com (Jane Beckman)
I've been meaning to post this for a while, as it is a perfect illustration
of the hazards of a system that gets too dependant on computer programs.
In 1989, Mongomery Ward had a sale of "discontinued, one-of-a-kind, and out-
of-date merchandise." A fellow I was dating, who was a Wards employee, told
me the story of where it had come from. Around 1985, Wards had reprogrammed
their master inventory program. Somehow, the entry for the major distribution
warehouse in Redding, California, was left out. One day, the trucks simply
stopped coming. Nothing was brought into the warehouse, and nothing left.
Paychecks for the employees, however, which were on a different system, kept
coming. While this was baffling to the employees, they figured it was better
not to make waves. (Rumor has it that they were afraid the warehouse had
been phased out, and they had "forgotten" to lay them off, and figured it was
better to stay employed.) They went to work every day, and moved boxes
around the warehouse, and submitted timecards, for three years, until someone
doing an audit finally wondered why major amounts of merchandise had simply
disappeared. Tracing things back, the missing warehouse was finally re-found.
They were then stuck with an entire warehouse full of white elephants---
merchandise that was three years out of date. Thus, Wards stores throughout
California ended up with major amounts of discontinued merchandise to sell at
deep discounts. Wards, being majorly embarrassed, tried to downplay how the
merchandise was "found." Or, more specifically, why it had become lost in
the first place.
The store employees got a big chuckle over the warehouse employees being
afraid to mention this oversight to the higher-ups, for fear of becoming
unemployed. Many references to "like jobs with the government."
Of course, the question is: is this the only case like this? Are there more
places where an operator entry glitch has caused some function to simply
disappear? Things like this happen when live people are accidentally classed
as "dead," etc. What happens if someone types the wrong thing, and the local
branch of your bank, or MacDonalds, or whatever, simply ceases to exist, to
the central computer?
Jane Beckman [jane@swdc.stratus.com]
----------------------------------------------------
From: marc@skypod.uucp (Marc Fournier)
---------------------
The quack was selling a potion which he declared would make one live to
a ripe old age.
"Look at me," he shouted, "hale and hearty. I'm over three hundred years
old."
"Is he really as old as that?" asked a listener of the young assistant.
"I can't say," replied the assistant, "I've only worked for him a hundred
years."
------------------------'
One man found the key to safe driving for his wife. He reminded her that
if she had an accident, the newspapers would print her age with the police
report.
-------------------------
Before the plane took off, the flight attendant gave chewing gum to all the
passengers. "This will keep your ears from popping when we attain a high
altititude," she told them.
After the plane landed, a worried-looking man came over to the flight
attendant. "This was my first flight," he told her. "It was very nice,
but now that it's over, could you tell me how to get this gum out of my
ears?"
------------
The maid had just been discharged. Extracting five dollars from her
purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog.
When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a
friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all this time."
------------
A little boy who had spent a week at a dude ranch told his mother
excitedly: "Mom, I even saw a man who makes horses."
"Are you sure?" asked his mother.
"Yes," he replied. "He had the horse nearly finished when I saw him,
and he was just nailing on the feet."
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From cybapunk@tornado.gen.nz (Phil Ross)
------------------------------
A very proud mother phoned up a big Sunday newspaper and
reported that she'd given birth to seven children.
The girl at the desk didn't quite catch the message and asked:
"Would you repeat that?"
"Not if I can help it," the woman replied.
------------------------------
Excuse me, sire," said the down and out tramp to the millionaire
he accosted in the street. "I've trudged over 100 miles to meet
you because I've heard that you are the world's kindest and most
generous man."
"Indeed," said the millionaire. "And will you be going back the
same way?"
"I expect so, sir."
"Then do me a favour, will you? Just deny that rumor when you
get back."
------------------------------
A little girl called Esme Pipple was taken by her father to a
seance. When they arrived, the medium asked Esme is there was
anybody she would like to contact and speak to.
"I'd like to speak to my Granny," said Esme.
"Certainly, my dear," said the medium, going into a deep
trance. He began to moan and talk in a strange voice, saying
"This is your Granny speaking from Heaven... a wonderful
place in the skies. Is there anything you'd like to ask me,
my child?"
"Yes, Granny," said Esme. "What are you doing in Heaven when
you're not even dead yet?"
------------------------------
POLICEMAN : Here! Why are you trying to cross the road in this
dangerous spot? Can't you see there's a zebra
crossing only forty yards away?
PEDESTRIAN: Well, I hope the poor beast is having better luck
than I am.
------------------------------
The solicitor was reading the late Wilberforce Toeworthy's will,
and had just reached the final paragraph. In a deep voice he
intoned :
"I always said I'd remember my dear wife, Gertrude, and mention
her in my will. So - hello there, Gertie!"
------------------------------
1ST ESKIMO : That's strange. I installed radiators in my kayak
and it immediately went up in flames! How do you
explain that?
2ND ESKIMO : Simple, my friend. You can't hope to have your
kayak and heat it too! (Cake and eat it too)
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