Date: 17 May 91 11:50:24 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life 7.B
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God invented mothers because he couln't be every where at once
And God invented guilt because mothers could be every where at once.
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Disclaimer: I used to be sane, but I got better.
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One of my American friends commented about soccer:
We guys don't play this game much. You have to use your head a
lot in this game, you know........
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"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
tried it."
-- Donald Knuth
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Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents
for postage and 30 cents for storage.
-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
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Rather remeniscent of a line by Tom Lehrer, from the introduction to the
song "It Makes a Fellow Proud to be a Soldier," which goes something to
the effect of:
"All kidding about the army aside, one must admire the way the military
has followed the democratic ideal to its logical conclusion, in that they
forbid discrimination not only on the basis of race, creed, and color, but
on the basis of......ability."
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Overheard in the regimental mess:
First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"
Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"
First soldier: "Whyever not?"
Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another
soldier to dessert!"
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There are four wheels and eight men on a fire engine.
Four and eight makes 12.
There are 12 inches in a ruler.
Queen Elizabeth is a ruler.
The Queen Elizabeth was a ship.
Ships sail in the sea.
The sea has fish.
Fish have fins.
The Finns are always fighting the Russians.
Russians are known as "red".
Fire engines are always rushin', and that's why they're red.
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It's not whether you win or lose
It's whether *I* win or lose.
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#A LUCKY MACINTOSH USER had the Talking Moose program (Addison-Wesley
Publishing Co.) working on his Macintosh when burglars broke into his home
while he was away. Presumably thinking there was someone in the home, the
burglars left the room with the Macintosh alone. --Seattle Times 4/30
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When the husband came home from his job, he found his wife crying.
-"Your mother insulted me, very much.", she sobbed.
-"My mother ? How could she do that when she's on a vacation on the other
side of the world ?"
-"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived.
I opened it, because I was curious."
-"And ?"
-"At the end of the letter it was written:
PS. Dear Catherine, when you've read this letter, don't forget to give
it to my son."
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-"I dont know how to make my wife stop buying all these gloves."
-"Buy her a diamond ring."
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They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they
hadn't been talking to each other. Instead they were giving each other
written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note
on his pillow saying:
"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock !!!"
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The police arrested 2 tramps, one for drinking battery fluid, the other for eating a firework.
What did they do with them?
Well, they charged one, and let the other one off.
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Did you hear about the new breakfast special, it's called the LAPD Egg?
It's one egg, with the hell beaten out of it.
Did you hear about the guy who got caught beating somebody up?
He was charged with impersonating an officer.
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In a very small alley two trucks driving
in opposite directions meet. As the drivers
are equally stubborn, none of them wants
to reverse. They angrily look one at the other.
Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper
and starts reading.
The other one says:
-"Will you, please, when you've finished
the paper, give it to me ?"
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From England:
A student starts his summer job at IBM. The manager tells him
his first task is to sweep the floor.
"But", he protests, "I can't do that, I'm a Coventry Poly
Computer Science Student !"
"Well in that case" says the manager, "Your first task is to
learn how to use the broom"
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What does the poly graduate say to the university graduate ?
"Guilty, M'lud"
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Q. Did you hear about the Newcastle uni grad student who successfully
enrolled on a post grad course at cov poly?
A. No,neither has anybody............
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From: chiyo@tharr.UUCP (Douglas Spencer)
I heard this joke on a BBC Radio 4 Documentary on Finland, on 15/4/91.
Two Finnish gentlemen decide they are going to do some drinking.
They lay on some supplies and shut themselves away in a room.
They drink solidly for three days.
Then, one of them turns to the other to say
"Do you think that perhaps we should *eat* something ?"
The other one replies
"Did we come here to drink, or to talk ?"
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From: monson@cayman.AMD.COM (Steve Monson)
Here's another my father told me many long years ago...
A truck driver is hauling a load of new automobiles one night, when
his headlights go out. He tries to fix them, but to no avail. He can't
afford to spend the night without driving, since the cars must be delivered
the next day. It's a lonely country road, so there's no one even coming
along whom he can ask for help. Finally he figures out how to solve his
problem: he turns on the headlights of the car over the truck cab. The
lights shine down on the road, and he proceeds to haul his load.
Some time later, a car approaches. As the truck and car get about fifty
yards apart, the car suddenly swerves off the road into the ditch. The
trucker pulls to a stop and runs back to see what made the car driver do
such a thing. He asks the motorist, "Are you all right? What happened?
Why did you run off the road so suddenly?"
The driver looks at the trucker and says, "I saw these headlights coming
at me, and thought, 'If it's that high, how _wide_ is it?!?'"
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A BYU coed was driving on the road from school to home when she saw a man trying to hitch a ride. She picked him up and they got to talking.
"What do you do?"
"I recently escaped from prison for having killed my wife."
"Oh, does that mean you are available?"
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unclear on the concept:
The Met Office is now using fax machines to give local authorities early
warning of severe weather. The Hampshire emergency planning office said:
"Rather than having to rely on telephones, for instance, where lines are
at risk in bad weather, we are encouraging the wider use of fax machines."
{News courtesy of the Reading Evening Post}
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This came from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" section of PC Magazine.
A guy was following a set of instructions to format a floppy diskette.
Step 1 : Put diskette in disk drive.
The man puts the disk in the drive...
Step 2 : Close the door.
The man gets up and, with a confused look on his face, walks over to the
door to his office and closes it.
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An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her
computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded
that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to
"Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen
minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.
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Our computer (a Unisys thing) has periodic maintanence done on it once a month.
This particular morning the Unisys techies were stumped. The computer was on
but nothing happened on the console (Keep in mind that this computer has
150 terminals on it). After three hours, at $96/hour, one of the techs
turned up the brightness on the monitor.
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When running QEMM on a 386/MS-DOS machine and the program does a protection
violation, it reports:
General exception fault #13 at ABCD:1234
(T)erminate Program, (R)eboot, or (T)ry to continue?
_Try_ to continue? Hmmm...
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-- A CI (Computer Illiterate) reads in the manual that when you save something,
it creates a file. The person saves what he/she is doing, then gets up,
walks over to the file cabinet, and flips through the files, trying to find
the new one.
-- A CI who follows baseball reads that his computer has 640K memory. The CI
then spends five or so hours trying to figure out how the computer can pitch
a strike-out.
-- A CI refuses to use a laser printer because he/she fears it will burn a hole
through the paper.
-- A CI buys a home computer with a hard disk. He/she unpacks the computer,
sets it up, then calls the place he/she bought it from, complaining that
there were no disks in the box at all, hard or floppy.
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Another story, I used to work in a PC retail store that specialized in
Apples. Apparently, when the Apple III came out, it had a small
problem with ventilation and when the chips would overheat, they would
pop partway out of their sockets. When people called up to complain
that their computer had broke, we would tell them to pick it up about
an inch off the desk and drop it.
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A person has just gotten a new printer. She plugs in the printer, walks across
the room, tries to print something with no connection to the printer, and then
wonders why it doesn't print.
Person turns on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on
the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it
gives a "Keyboard Error" message. She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard
error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?
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While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out
his autoexec.bat file. He said it said "File not found". I told him to do a dir.
I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed. He said, "Well it says autoexec,
then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat." I said type this
in "type autoexec.bat". Again he got "File not found". I asked him to tell me
exactly what he typed. He said, "I typed just what you told me: `type
autoexecdotbat'.
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from the Wall St Journal 4/26/91...
Satirist Argus Hamilton says the U.S. is still trying to drive
Saddam Hussein nuts: "Just today, his wife received a dozen
roses signed, 'You were wonderful last night. Love, Frank
Sinatra.' "
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Taken from the Houston Chronicle Page 2A from Thursday, April 18, 1991
In response to Lenore Skenazy, who asked Advertising Age readers to come up
with bumper stickers for Saddam Hussien:
"My Army imvaded Kuwait and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker"
"Quit honking! I'm retreating as fast as I can"
"Dukakis-Bentsen in '92"
"If you don't like the way I reign get out of small, neighboring countries"
"Lose Kuwait now! Ask me how"
"If you're rich and own a uranium refining plant, I'm single"
"If you can read this you're probably with the 1st Airborne"
"Bomb me, I need the insurance"
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Paraphrased from Sen. Robt. Dole from a recent appearance on "This Week":
Q: What's the difference between John Sununu and the Iraqi Air Force?
A: John Sununu flies more often.
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Q: What was Saddam's secret weapon against the allied land offensive?
A: The thousands of Iraqi military who surrendered and slowed the
advance of the allied troops...
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The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense
tactics:
1. Engage the enemy.
2. Draw him into your territory.
3. Wait until winter sets in.
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Paraphrased from one of the major news anchors reporting on the Iraqi's
having arrived for the cease-fire talks:
"Once again, the Iraqi's were well-dressed. It seems they have
better tailors than military tactics."
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On the contrary, SCUD jokes are very popular, though mostly silly (I wonder
if staying too long in a sealed room affects one's brain?). Some examples:
Where does Saddam hide his missiles? In Scudinavia!
What kind of car does he drive? A Scudillac!
What should one do before crossing a street in Ramat-Gan [the town which had
the most hits]? Look to the right, to the left, and upwards!
(From a stand-up comic on TV): "They told us the chances of being hit by
a SCUD are like winning the big prize in the state lottery. But they
forgot to tell us there are going to be three drawings every night!"
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Saw this on a car wash billboard in Indianapolis:
IRAQI AIR FORCE MOTTO:
I CAME I SAW IRAN
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What does Sadaam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the hell are those Tomahawks are coming from!
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Sign seen on the Marines' first division command center, Saudi Arabia:
MARINES: When you care to send the very best.
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The Iraqi verions of the classic army regulations can be summarized as:
If it doesn't move, hide behind it.
If it does move, surrender to it.
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Safer as Allied troup than US driver
(Jan - Feb 1991)
Allied KIA's 182
People killed in US traffic accidents
during same period of time 4,440
(source: US News and World Report)
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Selections from stuff collected by Dale Fraser [dale@garfield.cs.mun.ca]
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Q. How many members of the Iraqi Joint Chiefs of
Staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Four. One to screw in the light bulb, one to
find out the actual results, one to tell
Saddam what Saddam wants to hear, and finally
one to be shot for it.
Q. How many members of the coalition forces does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A. We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.
Q: What's the difference between the Iraqi army and a loaf of bread?
A: You can make soldiers out of the bread!
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From: okunewck@psuvax1.cs.psu.edu (Phil OKunewick)
"Do you surrender?"
"I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT!"
"Yeah, we noticed. That's why we asked."
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From: grazier@maxwell.physics.purdue.edu (Kevin R. Grazier)
Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system?
A: A refund.
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From: bdh@uchicago (Brian D. Howard)
WHat do you call an Iraqui tank that has been painted pink?
-Thats a mosque.
What do you call the white one with the red crescent?
-Thats a hospital.
How do you tell the Iraqui Hero?
-He's the one that waited 30 seconds before he surrendered.
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From: cirby@vaxb.acs.unt.edu (((((C.Irby)))))
Q: How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I give up!
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From: jmartin@ntmtv.UUCP (Jeff Martin)
This just in from Radio Bagdad:
"Help! My army has fallen.....
...and it can't get up"
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