From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Reply-to: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Organization: XSoft (A Xerox Company)
Date: 25 Jul 91 17:56:38 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life 7.E
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"TV is a medium (pause) because it is neither rare or well done."
Ernie Kovacs
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Q: Why don't art students play hide and seek?
A: Because nobody wants to look for them.
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I remember one mechanical engineer. When he stopped to think you could
practically smell the wood burning
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musician jokes:
Q1: What's the difference between a trampoline and a viola?
Q2: What is the definition of a minor second?
Q3: What are burning oboes good for?
Q4: Why are bassoons better than oboes?
A1: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
A2: Two oboes playing in unison.
A3: Lighting bassoons on fire.
A4: They burn longer.
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Student Bloopers:
----------------
A hamlet is a little pig.
A gargoyle is seen on church towers and people's necks.
Faith is a quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.
Chalk and sand can always be seperated by flirtation
The commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," means that you should
not put water in milk, or cheat in any way similar.
The locusts were the chief plague in Egypt. They ate all the first-born.
Joseph was so straight that Pharaoh made a ruler of him.
If David had one fault, it was a slight tendency to adultery.
The wise men brought gifts of gold and frankfurters.
John the Baptist was beheaded with the Ax of the Apostles
The three wise men were Winken, Blinken, and Nod.
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MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX
Please, don't drink
and derive.
Mathematicians
Against
Drunk
Deriving
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Long ago, the Scots devised a fearsome battle tactic. As the
Scots neared their enemies, they would take cats, swing them 'round
and round above their heads. Then the cats would be sent sailing through
the air and land, clawing and biting, among the Scot's foes. This was
very effective. Word got out of this fearsome stratagem, and soon just
the sound of the cats, howling and screeming as they were whirled over
the heads of the Scotsmen, was enough to send even battle-hardened foes
into full retreat.
But the Scots began to run out of cats.
So they invented the Scottish bagpipe as a substitute.
And now you know ... the rest of the story. ;-)
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Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
Don't Write On Walls!
(and underneath)
You want I should type?
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(Thanx to Jim Ellingsen for providing this quote, and a reminder of this
WONDERFUL book ... MUST reading for any chocoholic with a sense of humor.)
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
proper time for chocolate.
-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
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With more than 12 billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder
that marketers are playing fast and loose with mailing lists. In one
particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the
mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost
immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names
to itself.
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If dreaming you are a muffler causes you to wake up exhausted, does
dreaming that you are a wheel rim cause you to awaken still tired?
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(Another item from "News of the Weird":)
An Austin, Texas, grand jury indicted Michael Taylor, 25, last May for
registering to vote under 37 different names of dead people. Taylor denied
bad motives: "I wasn't going to use it for voting. It was just to be doing
something. I had some problems in my life."
(Indeed, none of the 37 had voted in the March 1990 primary.)
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From: rubin@majorhavoc.apple.com (Owen Rubin)
I have to add the following sign to your list:
This sign is seen on several freeways around the S.F. Bay Area:
Speed
Enforced
By
Aircraft
(small picture
of a plane)
Makes me wonder what the pilot is going to do if I'm caught speeding?
Do they use F-16's? I can just imagine the Calif Hiway Patrol saying something
like: There is a speeder, lets shoot him down!!!!!
From: rubin@majorhavoc.apple.com (Owen Rubin)
A while back you posted a few strange traffic signs, to which I replied about
"speed enforced by aircraft".
Well, I was in Vancouver, Canada this past weekend and saw two more to add to
your collection. The signs read:
|------------|
| PLAYGROUND |
| |
| X X |
| X |
| X X |
| |
| Stop when |
| Occupied |
|------------|
|------------|
| SCHOOL |
| |
| X X |
| X |
| X X |
| |
| Stop when |
| Occupied |
|------------|
It was a rather large 'X', obviously meaning crosswalk (its a universal symbol
used alot in Canada for crosswalk signs). But to a visitor, the "X" was
not at all obvious. It looked like one of our railroad crossing X's, but with no
letters. It was also a light grey color on a white sign. SO the sign reads to me
that if the school or playground are occupied, you should stop. That could keep
you there a LONG time.
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A major corporation bought a Cray to use in R&D. On a tour of the
department, a executive remarked that it was a lot of money for such a
small machine. The engineer countered that it did calculations 100 times
faster than their old machine, allowing them to things they only used to
dream of before. Impressed, the executive remarked it probably calculate
this huge spreasheet of his in under a second. Sadly, the engineer informed
his boss that Lotus didn't make a verious of 1-2-3 for the Cray. At this,
the executive remarked: "What do mean, its not PC-compatible?"
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Helmut Kohl and his top ministers are in an important meeting when one of the
aides comes in and whispers in Helmut's ear that he is wanted on the phone.
Kohl excuses himself, and comes back ten minutes later looking very sad and
shocked.
- What's wrong Helmut? asks one of the ministers.
- It's a bad day for my family, says he,
I've just heard that my father died this morning.
Naturally everyone is very sympathetic, but Kohl suggest they go on with the
meeting anyway.
Half an hour later Kohl has go leave for another phone call, and when he comes
back again, he manages to look even more upset than before.
- What's wrong now Helmut?
- This is trully a bad day for my family, he replies,
That was my brother on the phone, and HIS father has died too!
----------------------------------------------------
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American
University grade their final exams:
DEPT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.
DEPT OF RELEGION:
- Grade is determined by God.
DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
- What is a grade?
LAW SCHOOL:
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they
should receive an A.
DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- Grades are variable.
DEPT OF LOGIC:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and
the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student
will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- Random number generator determines grade.
MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the
instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp
and flat respectively).
DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
- Everybody gets an A.
----------------------------------------------------
From: f88-som@nada.kth.se (Sead Omerov)
-"It's unbeliavable how the number of cars
is increasing." A driver sadly says to his friend.
-"Yes, really, you could say: As soon as you park
you car besides another car and turn your back
on them, they've made a baby."
A police officer stops a man driving in
the opposite direction in a one way street.
-"Didn't you see the arrow ?"
-"Arrow ?" the driver, obviously all saused,
replies,"I didn't even see the indians."
On a street, where the speed is limited
to 30mph the police stops a driver.
-"So then. Not only have you been driving
too fast, you've been overtaking where
it was not allowed. Your lights don't
work, your tyres all completely worn out...
This is surely going to cost you a lot.
What's your name ?"
-"Schtrodzuwskibladssmurtow Vocgelghfstulmfph."
-"Hmmmm...eh...well, I'll let you go
this time...but don't do it again."
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic:
-"Your debit several times more per hour
then we get paid for medical caring."
-"Yea, but you see, doc, you have always
the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam;
but we have to keep up to date with new
models coming every month."
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HAMLET (Condensed to three minutes)
by Adam MacNaughton.
(as sung by Michael Carthy to the tune Mason's Apron)
There was a king nodding in his garden all alone
When his brother in his ear poured a little bit of henbane
Stole his brother's crown and his money and his widow
But the dead king walked and got his son and said "Now listen kiddo,
I've been killed and it's your duty to take revenge on Claudius,
Kill him quick and clean and tell the nation what a fraud he is."
The kid says, "Right, I'll do it but I'll have to play it crafty,
So that no one will suspect me I'll kid on that I'm a dafty"
So for all except Horatio, and he counts him as a friend,
Hamlet, that's the kid, he kids on he's round the bend
And because he's not yet willing for obligatory killing
He tries to make his uncle think he's tuppence off a shilling.
Takes a rise out of Polonius, treats poor Ophelia vile,
Tells Rosencranz and Guildenstern that Denmark's blooded bile
Till a troupe of travelling actors like seven eighty four
Arrive to do a special one night gig in Elsinore.
Hamlet, Hamlet, acting balmy
Hamlet, Hamlet, loves his mommy
Hamlet, Hamlet hesitating
He wonders if the ghost's a fake and that is why he's waiting
So Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact
So Horatio and him could watch to see if Claudius cracked
The play was called "The Mousetrap," not the one that's running now,
And sure enough, the king walked out before the scene was through
So Hamlet's got the proof his uncle gave his dad the dose,
The only problem being now that Claudius knows he knows,
So while Hamlet tells his mother her new husband's not a fit man
Uncle Claude takes out a contract with the English king as hit man.
Then when Hamlet killed Polonius, the concealed corpus delecti
Was the the king's excuse to send for an English hempen necktie
With Rosencranz and Guildenstern to make quite sure he got there
But Hamlet jumped the boat and put the finger straight on that pair.
When Laertes heard his dad was killed in the bedroom of the heiress
He came running back to Elsinore tout-suite hot foot from Paris
When Ophelia heard her dad's killed by the man she was to marry
After saying it with flowers she committed hari-kari.
Hamlet, Hamlet no messin'
Hamlet, Hamlet learned his lesson
Hamlet, Hamlet Yorick's crust
Convinced him all men good and bad at last must come to dust.
Then Laertes lost his cool and was demanding retribution,
The king said keep your head and I'll supply you a solution
So the king arranged a swordfight for the interested parties
With a blunted sword for Hamlet and a sharp sword for Laertes
And to to make double sure (the old belt-and-braces line)
He fixed up a poisoned sword-tip and a poisoned cup of wine
The poisoned sword got Hamlet but Laertes went and fluffed it
Because he got stabbed himself and he confessed before he snuffed it.
Then Hamlet's mummy drank the wine and as her face turned blue,
Hamlet said, "I think this king's a baddie through and through."
"Incestuous murderous damned Dane," he said to be precise
Then made up for hesitating once by killing Claudius twice.
He stabbed him with his knife and forced the wine between his lips
Then he said, "The rest is silence," and he cashed in all his chips.
They fired a volley over him that shook the topmost rafter
And then Fortinbras, knee-deep in Danes, lived happy ever after.
Hamlet, Hamlet, end of story
Hamlet, Hamlet, very gory
Hamlet, Hamlet, I'm on my way
And if you thought that was confusing you should read the bloody play.
- David
----------------------------------------------------
From: "Dean Gottehrer" [FFDMG%ALASKA.BITNET@cornellc.cit.cornell.edu]
A California couple discovered the wife was pregnant, but the family simply
couldn't afford more children. They looked around and found an excellent
Hispanic family to adopt the child. Then...they found out she was going to
have twins. Fortunately, a family of Arab Americans agreed to adopt the other
child. Twin healthy boys were born and passed along to the families, who named
them Juan and Amal.
The biological parents kept in close touch with the adoptive parents in a
very amicable relationships. One day, Juan's family sent a picture of the
youth in his baseball uniform. The biological mother was so proud of her son.
She said to her husband "He is so handsome! I wish we had a picture like this
of our other son, too." He replied "Dear, they are twins. When you've seen
Juan you've seen Amal."
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From: cms2839@isc.rit.edu (a.stranger)
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When it's really cold out I like to stand outside and watch all the
smokers pass out because they don't know when they're finished exhaling.
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"I've been smoking 5 packs a day for 10 years and my lung feels fine!"
(singular, not a typo)--------------------------^
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Okay, here's one in a Singapore newspaper some time ago:
(offending to smokers)
When you light up, you are not really the one smoking.
The cigarette is smoking ....
you are just the sucker at the other end !
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"I don't mind you smoking, it's when I'm breathing that it bothers me".
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