Date: 5 Feb 92 16:50:44 PST (Wednesday)
Subject: Life 7.R
----------------------------------------------------
I bought the latest computer;
it came fully loaded.
It was guaranteed for 90 days,
but in 30 was outmoded!
- The Wall Street Journal passed along by Big Red Computer's SCARLETT
----------------------------------------------------
From: vsnyder@jato.jpl.nasa.gov (Van Snyder)
Subject: Re: Practical Jokes
When a Frosh, shortly after moving into the student house, one of the
Sophs propped a wastebasket full of water against my door. Naturally, it
flooded my room. So I ALMOST propped a wastebasket against his door.
When he opened it, I could almost hear him muttering "damn frosh don't
know how to pull an RF" as he was pouring it into his sink. But I'd
removed the gooseneck during dinner.
----------------------------------------------------
From: jeff@malibu.sedd.trw.com (The Buccaneer)
We have not succeeded in answering all our problems.
The answers we have found only serve to raise a whole
set of new questions. In some ways we feel we are as
confused as ever, but we are confused on a higher level
and about more important things.
----------------------------------------------------
2. From the newswires, and this morning's San Jose News:
PROCRASTINATOR'S PREDICTIONS COME TRUE - AGAIN
Fearlessly, accurately and belatedly, the Procrastinator's Club of America
has just released its predictions of things to come in 1991. Among them:
- That Pee-wee Herman will run into trouble of an embarrassing nature.
- That after hitting the ski slopes at taxpayer expense, John Sununu will
hit the skids as White House chief of staff.
- That the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics will expire at the age of 74.
On the button every one. How do they do it? Simple.
"It's a matter of timing," says Procrastinator's Club founder and acting
president Les Waas. "Instead of making predictions at the beginning of the
year, we usually end up waiting until the end."
Waas has been acting president for more than a decade because the club hasn't
gotten around to holding an election. He says the club has more than 9,500
members and contends that another half a million or so would join if they got
around to it.
The club is still in the midst of its 1983 membership drive. If you want to
join, write to Box 712, Bryn Athyn, Pa. 19009. Take your time.
----------------------------------------------------
From rec.humor.funny:
From: SHAMROCK@genie.com (Marc)
Subject: "Your mother should know"
"Personal" ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings:
Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie.
---------------------
From: bryan@cs.utexas.edu (Bryan Bayerdorffer @ Wit's End)
Subject: Devilish one-liner
If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee.
---------------------
From: merriam@ecst.csuchico.edu (Charles Merriam)
Subject: Programming the hard way
I Made this up after we hired a programmer from Hewlett-Packard.
A programmer for Hewlett-Packard went to the doctor complaining
about pain in her wrists. The doctor poked and prodded her (with
cold instruments) for a while and issued of a prognosis.
"You have carpal tunnel syndrome, but its in its early stages.
You should be able to continue work, but you should give up
half of your programming."
"Which half? Writing memos about it or attending meetings about it?"
---------------------
From: jneff@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (Joe Neff)
Subject: Coincidence?
[original, as far as I know]
Pres. Bush's Chief of Staff John Sununu was fired.
Within hours, Pan Am went out of business.
----------------------------------------------------
From Thomas Lapp [thomas%mvac23.uucp@udel.edu]
These came from a program which was shown on Public Television
during the fund drive in September of 1991. The program was
"Love, Medicine and Miricles.":
==============================
Attention: The meeting of the Apathy Support Group has been
cancelled due to lack of interest.
You can't take it with you. So don't go.
Dinner will be served at the sound of the smoke alarm.
Do you know why the tribes of Israel wondered in the desert
for 40 years? Because even then men couldn't stop to ask
directions.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
Sometimes I wake up grouchy. Sometimes I just let him sleep.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Never argue with a woman when she is tired -- or rested.
God created man before She created woman, because you
need a rough draft before you create a masterpiece.
Once I thought I was wrong. But I was mistaken.
"Life is full of miserableness, lonelyness, unhappiness and suffering,
and it is all over with much too quickly" -- Woody Allan
Life is full of opportunities and pitfalls. Our job is to seize
the opportunities, avoid the pitfalls and be home by 6 o'clock.
A smile increases your face value
Laughter is contagious. Be a carrier.
He who laughs, lasts.
"There is something worse than death in this life. If you've
ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know
exactly what I mean." -- Woody Allan
----------------------------------------------------
The following are from Spaf's collection:
----------------------------------------------------
From: pjs@euclid.jpl.nasa.gov (Peter Scott)
Subject: Whose country is it?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Found in _Maps of the Mind_, by Charles Hampden-Turner:
A man was hitchhiking across the country just prior to a
presidential election and had hit upon a technique for getting
free drinks in bars by guessing which candidate was less popular
and then loudly badmouthing them. He went into a bar in Colorado
and yelled, "Carter is a horse's ass!" To his surprise, he was
promptly thrown outside into the dirt. He picked himself up and
went into another bar, shouting, "Reagan is a horse's ass!" Seconds
later, he was eating dust again.
Seeing a cowboy nearby, he called out, "Hey, fella! If this ain't
Carter country and it ain't Reagan country, whose country is it?"
The cowboy replied, "Son, this is *horse* country!"
----------------------------------------------------
From: gkn@Sdsc.Edu (Gerard K. Newman)
Subject: bats and the F-117 stealth
To: spaf
I attended a presentation (unclassified) on the F-117 a while ago
(when the Air Force finally admitted that it existed), and among
the interesting tidbits discussed about the aircraft was that the
largest radar cross section is the pilot's helmet ...
----------------------------------------------------
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
]From an article in this week's *SF Weekly* on Cuba:
"They call this scientific Marxism," said one, bitter at the
lack of opportunities and angry at the government. "But if it
were really scientific, they would have tried it out on rats
first."
----------------------------------------------------
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: tax man
]From _The Exploits of the Incomparable Mullah Nasrudin_ by
Indries Shah, The Octagon Press Ltd., London, 1983 as quoted in
_Qualitative Evaluation and Research Methods_ by Michael
Quinn Patton, Sage Publications, 1990. Reprinted without
permission.
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People
were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train
ran him over. They were all shouting. "Give me your hand!"
but the man would not reach up. Mulla Nasrudin elbowed his
way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he
asked, "what is your profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.
"In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my hand!"
The man immediately grasped the Mulla's hand and was hauled
to safety. Nasrudin turned to the amazed by-standers. "Never
ask a tax man to give you anything, you fools."
----------------------------------------------------
From: "SANDE WALLFESH" [wallfesh@drcvax.af.mil]
Subject: another top-ten list
To: "eniac" [eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us]
A friend gave me the following item from a recent "Washington Post".
Despite some network problems here, I thought I'd try to pass it on:
"As reported in this newspaper last week, the Central Intelligence Agency
has started a new advertising campaign designed to attract more minority
'professionals' to its ranks. The agancy has even adopted a new slogan:
'The CIA. Our business is knowing the world's business.'
"Nice try, but the wits at our office think the CIA could do better.
Herewith are our Top 10 new CIA ad slogans:
10. "When you care to assassinate the very best."
9. "This is not your father's OSS."
8. "There's an agent in your neighborhood, waiting to serve YOU."
7. "The CIA: Don't look back; something IS gaining on you."
6. "The CIA: We have a new slogan, but we can't tell you what it is."
5. "A job with the CIA. Look what it did for George Bush."
4. "Tastes great! Less killing!"
3. "You deserve a break (in) today."
2. "Have a cloak and a smile."
And the No. 1 slogan ... (drumroll): "Hold the pickles, hold the
lettuce, New World Orders don't upset us."
----------------------------------------------------
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: From News of the Weird
The following item is quoted in its entirety from the "News of the
Weird" column by Chuck Shepherd as it appeared in the December 6, 1991
edition of the {Chicago Reader}. The column is a collection of strange
and bizarre news stories from all over, sent in by readers:
] The Chinese Government, concerned about secrecy, recently had its
] entire telephone system rewired so that military officials can't
] call, or be called from, outside the country. A {New York Times}
] reporter trying to confirm the story with China's Bureau of Secrecy
] found the bureau's phone number was classified. Researchers have
] reported being told that, among other things, the number of sheep
] in China and the number of potatoes grown every year are secrets.
----------------------------------------------------
From: sherman@.cs.umbc.edu (Dr. Alan Sherman)
Subject: Superpolylogarithmic Subexponential Functions
Newsgroups: rec.music.dementia
Announcing: Technical Report TRCS-91-17, University of Maryland
Baltimore County. A preliminary version of this paper appeared in two
parts in {\it SIGACT News}, {\bf 22}:1 (winter 1991), Whole Number~78,
65--73, and {\bf 22}:2 (spring 1991), Whole Number~79, 51--56.
On Superpolylogarithmic Subexponential Functions
Alan T. Sherman
Computer Science Department
University of Maryland Baltimore County
Baltimore, Maryland 21228
and
Institute for Advanced Computer Studies
University of Maryland College Park
College Park, Maryland 20742
June 21, 1990 (revised April 1, 1991)
Abstract
A superpolylogarithmic subexponential function is any function that
asymptotically grows faster than any polynomial of any logarithm but
slower than any exponential. We present a recently discovered
nineteenth-century manuscript about these functions, which in part
because of their applications in cryptology, have received
considerable attention in contemporary computer science research.
Attributed to the little-known yet highly-suspect
composer/mathematician Maria Poopings, the manuscript can be sung to
the tune of ``Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious'' from the musical
Mary Poppins. In addition, we prove three ridiculous facts about
superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions. Using novel extensions
to the popular DTIME notation from complexity theory, we also define
the complexity class SuperPolyLog/SubExp, which consists of all
languages that can be accepted within deterministic
superpolylogarithmic subexponential time. We show that this class is
notationally intractable in the sense that it cannot be conveniently
described using existing terminology. Surprisingly, there is some
scientific value in our notational novelties; moreover, students may
find this paper helpful in learning about growth rates, asymptotic
notations, cryptology, and reversible computation.
Keywords. Algorithms, asymptotic notation, complexity theory,
cryptography, cryptology, DTIME, mathematical humor, Maria Poopings,
Mary Poppins, musical computer science, reversible computation,
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, superpolylogarithmic
subexponential functions, SuperPolyLog/SubExp.
--- lyrics ---
Superpolylogarithmic Subexponential Functions
(Sung to the tune of ``Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.'')
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions!
Faster than a polylog but slower than exponential.
Even though they're hard to say, they're truly quintessential.
Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
For Alice to send a message through to Bob when Eve's eavesdropping,
do use a trapdoor one-way function---not a one-key mapping.
First take a message x, let's say, and raise it to the e;
then mod it out by p times q but keep these secretly. Oh!
(Chorus)
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
The process takes but poly-time and appears to be secure:
why even just a single bit is one over polylog pure.
Though Alice thinks that Eve must spend time at least exponential,
by using Lenstra's elliptic curves, Eve splits n subexponentially. Oh!
(Chorus)
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Most computations dissipate a lot of energy;
we remove the heat with water but there's a better strategy.
Since thermodynamics does not apply when info is not doomed,
the laws of physics don't require that power be consumed. Oh!
(Chorus)
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Now Bennett said in `73, to run a program P,
you simulate the program P, but do so reversibly.
The problem with this method is that space is exponential,
so trade off time to save on space---this really is essential! Oh!
(Chorus)
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!
Did you know if you invert one, you get a
funtionential subexporithmic logapolyrepus?
But that's quite a singularity! So,
If you are in an oral exam and cannot find the way,
just summon up these words and then you've got a lot to say.
But better use them carefully or you could fail the test.
A professor once asked me,
``What do you call functions that grow faster than any
polylogarithm but slower than exponential?'' There're,
Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions!
Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions!
Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions!
Superpolylogarithmic subexponential functions!
--- end of lyrics ---
Note: See paper for detailed performance notes and mathematical
proofs by anagramming.
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