Date: 5 Mar 92 20:17:23 PST (Thursday)
Subject: Life 7.T
----------------------------------------------------
From Jay Leno
New York Governor Mario Cuomo says he's still undecided about
running for the Presidency. He said deciding to run is a struggle
between his heart and his mind. Well....if he has both a heart
and a mind....he's way OVERqualified for either party.
I spotted a David Duke bumper sticker the other day. It read
"If you can read this, you're obviously not a Duke supporter."
----------------------------------------------------
From: prasad@cc.utah.edu (PRASAD B. GHARPURE)
A bank manager is getting himself acquainted with his fellow workers
In one cabin, he meets a man counting money furiously. The B.M. is impressed
and asks him his name. The man replies 'Yim Yonson", without even pausing to
stop counting.
The B.M. is even more impressed, and asks "My dear man where did you learn to
count money like that ?"
The man replies "Yale"
----------------------------------------------------
From: prasad@cc.utah.edu (PRASAD B. GHARPURE)
You know you live in a small town when :
Even a 4 year old can tear the phone book.
----------------------------------------------------
From: al@escom.com (Al Donaldson)
Back in the 60s when I used to work as the afternoon DJ at a radio
station in Missouri, the morning DJ would steal cigarettes from the
pack I left in a drawer next to the board.
So one afternoon I loaded up the first couple of smokes in the pack
and then tuned in the next morning at 6 AM to listen to Doug read
the morning news.
Doug: "And in other news, ..."
smoke: KA-BANGGGG
Doug: "Damn!!"
Radio silence for about 15 seconds.. :-)
----------------------------------------------------
From: jones@ipla01.hac.com (Michael Jones)
A man is driving through a rural area and stops at a solitary gas station
for a fill up. He says to the attendant "Must by nice living out in the
country."
The man says "Wouldn't know. Lived here in town all my life."
Subject: Most confusing day.
Q: What is the most confusing day in Beverly Hills?
A: Father's day.
----------------------------------------------------
From rec.humor.funny:
From: Josh_Cohen@3mail.3com.com
Let's see if I can get this thing to work... Is there a mail group for
this stuff?
Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how
they prepare their chickens.
The answer was, "We just tell them they're going to die."
----------------------------------------------------
From rec.humor.funny:
From: nweaver@ocf.berkeley.edu (Nicholas Weaver)
Wanted poster in post office in physics land:
Wanted
$10,000 reward.
Scrodinger's Cat.
Dead or Alive
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: Something from Thomas Lapp
A Liberal is a Radical with a wife and a child and a mortgage.
-- Everett Dirksen
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last.
-- Winston Churchill
I've heard that the government wants to put a tax on the mathematically
ignorant. Funny, I thought that's what the lottery was!
-- Gallagher
A man who was late paying bills was sent a note saying, "Your account
is long overdue -- It has been on our books over a year. Must remind
you, we have now carried you longer than your mother did."
----------------------------------------------------
From: jrl@sei.cmu.edu (John Leary)
Subject: Communications Problem (Ontological?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
--attributed by Washington Technology (a beltway industry paper) to James
Schlesinger (a senior DoD Executive) from a recent Washington DC luncheon
keynote address; (remarks are paraphrased to some degree):
--"In managing the DoD there are many unexpected communications
problems: For instance, when the Marines are ordered to "secure a
building", they form a landing party and assault it. On the
otherhand, the same instructions will lead the Army to occupy the
building with a troop of infantry, and the Navy will
characteristically respond by sending a yeoman to assure that the
building lights are turned out. When the Air Force acts on these
instructions, what results is a 'three year lease with option to
purchase'."
----------------------------------------------------
From: RIG@posole.dasd.honeywell.com (J. Brian Rigdon)
Subject: Some people just don't like Texas
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
OBHistory Lesson. New Mexico was a state with Santa Fe the capitol 10 years
before the pilgrims hit Massachusetts. Things haven't improved much in Santa
Fe... Texas wasn't even thought of then. Since then, Texans have actually
invaded New Mexico with armed parties (got their butts kicked) and have since
tried invasion with tourism and real estate tactics. (Keep coming, we want
your money!) With that out of the way, here are some jokes.
The best thing about texas is that it is the only state which can legally
secede from the union.
The worst thing about texas is that it hasn't.
texas: Where you can see farther and see less than any place on earth.
Q] What is the difference between a texas beauty and a hereford?
A] oh, about 10 lbs.
----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: bschuck@ais.ucs.sfu.ca (Bruce Schuck -- bschuck@ais.ucs.sfu.ca)
Drugs have taught an entire generation of
American kids the metric system.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
Vancouver Sun, Dec. 20, 1991
----------------------------------------------------
The following are various selections from SCHWARTZ_VICTOR@tandem
----------------------------
Consumer Reports magazine, in the October issue, has a report on "Mail-Order"
Companies (Sears, J.C. Penney, L.L. Bean, Eddie Bauer, C.O.M.B., Land's End,
Swiss Colony, Carol Wright, Sharper Image, ...), companies that do a large
amount of retail sales "by mail." In the article they remark:
"When you look at how the orders were placed, it's obvious that "mail order"
is an archaic term. Relatively few people order by mail (most order by
phone, via toll-free 800 numbers), and few products are delivered by the U.S.
Postal Service (90 percent of catalog orders are delivered by United Parcel
Service)."
----------------------------
A true storyrelated by Andrew Tannenbaum, and sent to the Tandem Humor DL by
John Lemon:
"I went in to a restaurant and a waitress told me that today's special was
Blackened Bluefish. I asked her if it was battered."
----------------------------
This is NOT another item from Dave Barry's series on Christmas gifts
for the brain impaired, but it has a similar flavor if read the right
way.
At the recent Technology 2001 show in San Jose, California, the Vector
Aeromotive Corporation displayed its Vector automobile, a
twin-turbocharged V-8 supercar, built using advanced materials and
aerospace technology. Claimed to do 0 to 60 mph in 3.5 seconds, with
a top speed of 218 mph, you can order yours today ... for $398,000.
Orders have been taken for 40 cars. Twelve have been built. A Saudi
prince, a Japanese exotic car collector and tennis star Andre Agassi
have been among the first buyers.
Now here's the quote I liked, from company president Gerald A.
Wiegert:
"If you're looking for snob appeal or to differentiate yourself from
the average car buyer or the average Ferrari or Porsche owner, this is
the car."
----------------------------
(I'm not a big Jay Leno fan, but I enjoyed this item, which comes to us
via Dorothy Lustig on the Tandem Humor DL:)
==========================================================================
In a touching holiday gesture (people always talk about how cruel
corporate America can be), Pan Am said that even though they officially
went out of business last week -- they will continue to lose luggage
through January 1st.....
==========================================================================
----------------------------
A UFO landed and three one-inch tall guys get out. They walked over to me and
I said: "Are you really one-inch tall?" They said: "No, we're really very far
away!"
(Steven Wright)
----------------------------
Christmas season is a time when people often call relatives they
haven't called for quite awhile, so the following Steven Wright line
seems timely:
"I went to a seance to try to reach my grandfather, and then I
remembered that he wasn't dead! So I called him on the phone. He
said: 'The phone's been ring ing all day ... I don't understand!'"
----------------------------
(This item is from a collection contributed to the Tandem Humor DL by Kevin
White, from "Deep Thoughts, with Jack Handey" - Saturday Night Live.)
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
----------------------------
(From Jay Leno, courtesy of Dorothy Lustig at Tandem:)
"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike.
Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands
are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the
picket signs."
----------------------------
Most home projects are impossible, which is why you should do them yourself.
There is no point in paying other people to screw things up when you can easily
screw them up yourself for far less money.
----------------------------
(From a recent NewsWeek magazine:)
"Please provide your date of death."
A letter from the Internal Revenue Service, addressed to a dead man
whose widow filed a return for him in 1991.
----------------------------
(Contributed to the Tandem Humor DL by Jerry Dunham:)
Fellow goes to a furniture store to apply for work. When he arrives he
sees several others in line ahead of him. So instead of just sitting around
waiting his turn, he starts selling furniture. By the time his interview
turn came around, he'd sold over $2600 of furniture. He was hired on the
spot.
----------------------------
Nancy Davis gleaned this item last month in the ComputerGram newsletter
which is distributed within Tandem, and shared it with the Tandem
Humor DL. (Thanx, Nancy!)
Technology is finally proving itself....
"With the cost of the equipment tumbling, use of videoconferencing
is set to soar, and Metropolitan Life Insurance Co. has discovered
another benefit in addition to the saving of time and travel costs:
because of the built-in delay on the sound, the company told the
New York Times, it's difficult for people to interrupt, so they
actually have to listen to what the other is saying."
----------------------------------------------------
From: "Peter G. Neumann" [neumann@csl.sri.com]
Subject: Russian Computer Productivity in AScent in de Scent Exposure
Fruit and flower smells [are] good for computer operators
Moscow, 13 Jan 1992 (tass), by tass correspondent Lyubov Dunayeva
Overloads to computer operators, who have to spend hours before displays every
day, can be eased if the air in the room is saturated with the smells of fruit
and flowers, psychologists say. Expert experiments [!] have shown that the
scent of lemon, jasmine or eucalyptus boosts productivity and alleviates
drowsiness. The jasmine smell in a computer room reduces keyboard errors by
almost 30 per cent, and lemon aroma by almost 50 per cent, tass was told at a
surgery research center of the russian academy of sciences.
[Jasmine is clearly more saLyubrious than JazzMax.
By the way, those of you who have read Nabakov's paean to
programming* language, "Ada [pronounced continentally], or Ardor",
might have noticed, among the many outrageous multilinguini of
puns and adagrams, the russoingleski "yellow-blue Vass"
(Ya Lyublyu Vas)... That is certainly Ada-ptive use of language!
* I have used "programming" gerundively here,
not adjectivally. At any rate, I am back
from a trip and evidently do not have enough
good scents! ... PGN]
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: Some top tens collected by Carl Freeman:
Top 10 New York City Pedestrian Tips - November 4, 1987
10. The city does not employ so-called "wallet inspectors."
9. Remember: regular hot dogs do not have fingernail.
8. Yelling at cabdrivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
7. John Gotti always has the right of way.
6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
Top 10 Things Overheard in Olympic Village - September 14, 1988
10. "I'm from the French team. Can I just see what a medal looks like?"
9. "After we get the gold in team handball, we just sit back and wait for the endorsement offers to roll in."
8. "Who would've guessed Morocco's national anthem was 'Sometimes When We Touch'?"
7. "I thought there would be rides."
6. "You want a ticket to the hammer-throw quarter finals? Good luck!"
5. "But officer, I'm the host of the Today Show."
4. "The Hyundai-toss is just an exhibition sport this year."
3. "Isn't that Elvis?"
2. "Official Dishwashing Liquid of the 1988 Seoul Olympics? You're soaking in it!"
1. "Look -- Superman! Now we'll never win a medal."
Top 10 Signs That People Are Getting Dumber - November 16, 1988
10. Detailed instructions now provided with all new socks.
9. Cher cologne.
8. Nobel Prize for literature given to guy who first hyphenated "oat-bran".
7. Quaylemania!
6. Japanese successfully marketing TV set that's just a cardboard box with a picture of Fess Parker inside it.
5. Disney gave me lots of money for movies I have no intention of making.
4. Most Americans can name no more than 2 of the 4 dancing raisins.
3. People will applaud even when no joke has been made.
2. Presidential Seal now reads "I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler.
1. I'm still on the air.
Top 10 Things Dave Would Have Said if He'd Been First Man on the Moon - July 20, 1989
10. Any music for this, Paul?
9. Reminds me of Muncie.
8. I'm sorry officer. I didn't realize I was going 18,000 mph.
7. Could you hold that cue card a little higher?
6. If I drink one more packet of Tang, I'm gonna puke.
5. Hello Casey? I have really long distance dedication.
4. Man, do I have to take a leak!
3. Phylicia Ayers-Allen -- will you marry me?
2. Hey! It's Elvis!
1. One small step for Dave; one giant leap for Dave's moonlanding T-shirt sales.
Top 10 Columbian Tourist Slogans - September 5, 1989
10. You can't put a street value on fun.
9. Where the hits just keep on comin'!
8. Bored with Beirut?
7. Where every jungle clearing is an international airport.
6. Not affiliated with the Columbia School of Broadcasting.
5. Meet Juan Valdez and tour his "coffee" plantation.
4. 10,000 money-laundering Swiss bankers can't be wrong.
3. A one-ounce "souvenir" can pay for your entire vacation.
2. Tourists? We don't need no stinking tourists!
1. It's like Club Med with car bombs!
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