Date: 6 Apr 92 13:24:40 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 8.1
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff Sarak Elkins sifted out of rec.humor:
**********
From ss1@kepler.unh.edu
Truth is funnier than fiction:
About two weeks ago, a friend of mine and I were eating lunch in the dining
hall. Grilled cheese. Oh boy. Well, you know how with every batch of food,
there is always a bad serving? My friend got it. It was a liiiiiittle tiiiiny
thing about 3/4 the size of the other sandwiches, and a muddy brown color.
Overcooked. The cheese that had oozed out of the corners had hardened to the
point where you could hold it in the air by the cheese itself.
He tried to bite into it, but couldn't. Bread was solid, and the cheese
impenetrable. So....
...he took a napkin and a pencil, and wrote, "What the heck is this?"....
...then wrapped the sandwich up and put it in the suggestion box!
--
Got his point across, I guess.
**********
From: fulton@copper.ucs.indiana.edu (Ben Fulton)
Subject: Re: Useful Latin Phrases
il@bambam.u.washington.edu (Il Hwan Oh) writes:
]] ]semper ubi sub ubi
]] ]Always wear underwear.
]] vino ergo sum
]] I drink, therefore I am.
]I thought that "dipso ergo sum" was "I drink, therefore I am".
for mathematicians:
cogito, ergo am
I think, therefore I sum
**********
From: jperry@oahu.cs.ucla.edu (John Perry)
A message from the Anybody But Bush campaign:
Saddam Hussein still has a job.
Do you?
**********
From: jyoung@CERIS.Purdue.EDU (Joan Young)
THOSE "M" WORDS:
MACADAM - first man born in Scotland.
MAYHEM - indecision as to spring skirt length.
MOOCH - sound made by a begging cow.
MANDRILL - country-western singing monkey.
M - single chocolate candy eaten at a Fritz Lang film.
MU - sound made by a greek kitten.
MESH - the tangled web we weave when we drink too much.
MIDRIFF - improvised jazz solo within a song.
MINUSCULE - kindergarten
METRONOME - Alaska's on-time subway system
MINUTE MAN - Tom Thumb.
MUMBO JUMBO - ritual elephant worship.
MUSICAL CHAIRS - rockers.
MUMMER - dead Egyptian actor.
METALLURGY - jewelry rash.
MALEFACTOR - Y chromosome.
MINUET - a 60-second dance.
MARTINET - a rigid line judge
**********
From: jyoung@CERIS.Purdue.EDU (Joan Young)
Sequels:
1. NOW GO STAND BY SOMEONE ELSE
2. LES MISERABLES - HAPPY AT LAST
3. MADAME XI
7. THE HOUSE OF SEVEN GABLES GETS ALUMINUM SIDING
9. THE DUPLICATE BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KWAI
10. I FORGOT WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS
11. HAMLET II: THE SURVIVORS
13. HARVEY TAKES A WIFE
14. ROMEO AND JULIET II: THE ANTIDOTE
17. THIS SON OF A GUN FOR HIRE
20. RICHARD III: BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN
21. THE SECOND WINDS OF WAR
22. ANYTHING WENT
25. THE IRS RECOUNT OF THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO
28. A PARTING SHOT IN THE DARK
32. RETURN OF THE LETTER
33. NEVER CRY FOX, EITHER
37. THE RECALL OF THE WILD
39. KITTENS
42. NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN, AGAIN
43. AFTERBIRTH OF A NATION
47. REPAINT YOUR WAGON
48. JONATHAN LIVINGSTONE SEQUEL
50. GRANDCHILDREN OF THE DAMNED
59. THE SCRET OF THE SUCCESS OF "THE SECRET OF MY SUCCESS"
**********
Frank reid@ucs.indiana.edu
What classic fallacy of logic is contained in the following? --
All trees have bark.
All dogs bark.
Therefore, all dogs are trees.
The fallacy of barking up the wrong tree.
**********
From: jyoung@CERIS.Purdue.EDU (Joan Young)
DESCRIBTION OF PERSONS WITH NAMES ALTERED BY ONE LETTER:
LITTLE BOA PEEP - shepherdess who absentmindedly ate her own
flock.
PERRY MASSON - television lawyer who will solve no case before
its time.
EVICTOR HUGO - French landlord and author, "Lease Miserables"
XEROXES - Persian photocopy king.
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff Alan Nicoll sifted out of rec.humor:
**********
A very intelligent turtle
Found UNIX programming a hurdle.
The system, you see,
Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
-------------------
I once heard about a Luthern couple who were on vacation and ended up in the
very town mentioned above. They sent a post card back to their minister,
saying that they had been to Hell and everyone there was Lutheren.
**********
"The price of liberty is, always has been, and always will be blood: the person
who is not willing to die for his liberty has already lost it to the first
scoundrel who is willing to risk dying to violate that person's liberty. Are you
free?" by Andrew Ford -- INTERNET: gtephx!forda@asuvax.eas.asu.edu
**********
My favorite Lincoln joke was one that I find apt for a certain number of
situations:
There was a joke going around during the Civil War that when an aide said to
Lincoln concerning US Grant: "Sir! The man drinks!" -- Lincoln replied:
"Figure out what kind of whiskey he drinks and send a barrel to all of my
generals."
When asked if he had made this joke, Lincoln replied: "No, but I wish I had."
**********
I have a friend whose brother found an interesting way to drive off
Jehovah's Witnesses. He opened the door without a shirt, knife in hand,
and an upside down pentagram on his chest in her red lipstick. When the
thumper asked if his mother was home, he went out the back door( it was a
straight hallway to the back yard), jumped up and down on the ground a bit,
listened, and came back. He then told the guy, "she's sleeping".
Needless to say, they never had any problems with Witnesses again.
**********
Interviewer: What do you think about the criticism you've been
getting from the White House?
Buchanan: Well, I heard Dan Quayle said I wasn't qualified
to be President. How would HE know?
**********
Nice pick up lines
Your father must be a thief, he stole the stars from the skies and put them in
your eyes
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "I" together
Excuse me, mind if I stare at you for a minute, I want to remember your face
for my dreams
**********
So this is the 23 century, and the world has gone a long and painful
road towards unification. Now of all the countries, continents and doctrines
there is a big, multicultural comunity. Communism is now the entire world's
doctrine. There is a central power, and a world President
is elected every 10 years. There are no wars, no racism, no
violence. But there is one thing, and so it happens that the economy is in
its worst recession in the history of humankind. The world economy is stuck,
and the economists find themselves in a dead end, not having any idea on
how the get out of the horrible situation. The system adopted for centuries
has been the comunism, and when a group of scientists announce that they
have discovered a way of bringing dead people back to life, there was just
one word on everybody's mind: "Marx!!"
So the corpse is found, and Karl Marx comes back from the dead. After
all the shock of being brought to the world again, Marx seems very pleased
to learn that the whole world has gone comunist; and gets to work in order
to solve the problems that affect the economy. He reads boooks, talks to
people, travels, discusses with the world leaders; and ultimately locks
himself in his library, thinking.
After a lot of thinking, Marx announces a date and time in which
he will talk to the whole world. Expectations arise, celebrations and parties
are arranged for after the leader will have given the solutions; there
hope in everybody's heart. Communism had been a good choice after all, God
bless Marx, that's waht people are thinking.
So the day comes, and at the expected time the entire world population
is stuck in front od the TV, waiting. Marx appears on the screens of all the
TV sets of the earth. He scrachts his head, seems confused. Everybody waiting,
everybody expecting, not a sound in anybody's house, the leader is going to
speak.
Marx holds the microphone, and shedding a tear says:
- Comrades... FORGIVE ME !!!!!!!
----------------------------------------------------
The good stuff Robert Coleman pulled off rec.humor:
**********
The passenger of the bus was stopping a Woman that
just was going off:
-"Ma'm, you forgot this box."
-"It doesn't matter. It's my husbands lunch, and
he works for this company at the department of Lost&Found."
**********
Wasn't it in Sweden that someone robbed a bank and
got away with some $10'000 ?
I heard the police are still looking for the motive.
----------------------------------------------------
The good stuff Jim Davidson pulled off rec.humor:
**********
An egotist is a person of low taste--more interested in himself than in me.
Ambrose Bierce
**********
I was on a trip to Wash DC and riding on a bus. The bus was very crowded
and several 40ish women got on. Being polite, I offered one of
the women my seat, and she gave me a peeved look and said no thanks. I
then went on two offer my seat to a couple of the other women, and I received
the same response. My thought was that they all must be a bunch of
women's-libbing sour pusses. Finally it was getting close to my stop,
and the bus was really crowded so I got up and started making my way to
the door. When I was close to the door I looked back at my seat only to
find a large sign over the seat that read:
"Seat reserved for the elderly and disabled."
After getting over the initial embassesment, I laughed for about 3 hours.
Lance
**********
The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge
lizzard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfil your every
sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she
moistened them with the tip of her tounge. She leaned toward him with her
hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She
paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line --
"You've got a donkey?"
The guy turned the same line green as his golf slacks and slipped away without
a word.
**********
Has anybody heard about the new joint venture going on in Australia? Coke is working on developing a new boomerang shaped bottle. If this experiment works, Coke official say they will have the world's first self returnable bottle.
(snicker, snicker, snicker...)
* Origin: Dark Knight's Table: 612-938-8924 HST V32bis V42bis (1:282/31)
**********
It's time someone printed up: MY OTHER STICKER IS FUNNY as a bumper sticker
**********
you can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the
time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.
the difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you
don't have to explain why.
**********
Nntp-Posting-Host: eniac.seas.upenn.edu
A Cuban, A Russian and an American die, and all three meet at Heaven's
door at the same time.
The Cuban says:
- I'm dead! And it's wonderful! I'm finally in heaven! It's over:
I won't have to get in line in order to buy meat anymore!!!
The American says:
- Get in line?? What's that???
The Russian says:
- MEAT? ... What's that???
**********
In article [1992Mar24.172520.18511@newshub.ccs.yorku.ca] tony@nexus.yorku.ca (Tony Wallis) writes:
]Simon Travaglia tell us about
]] .. the good old days .. Real Students took Science .. ..the
]] lab notes are almost totally in greek with lots of subscripts and
]] superscripts and things. .. It used to be that your average Biology
]] student would dissect a frog with his/her Swiss Army Knife .. Real
]] students didn't use desktop calculators .. Real students KNEW Pi to a
]] thousand decimal places and can do 6 figure multiplication in their
]] heads WITHOUT MOVING THEIR LIPS! .. Real students never handed in
]] assignments. Why bother, the coursework/exam ratio was 50/50, so all
]] they needed was 100% in the exam. .. etc. etc.
]
]\accent{yorkshire}
]Luxury ! Why, when I were lad at university, we would get up at 2:30
]in morning for four hours of chapel, eat week-old cold porridge for
]breakfast, and attend seven hours of classes and eight hours of labs
]before lunch. Lectures were delivered in Etruscan or Tocharian C. We
]had to make our own paper and quill pens. And, we used our own blood
]for ink ! Afternoons we worked down local mines to pay for tuition. In
]evening graduate students would thrash us within an inch of our lives.
]etc. etc.
]
You were lucky!!! I had to get up 4 hours before I went to bed.
We didn't even get week-old porridge.Porridge was a luxury.
And then at night my dad used to kill me and dance up and down on
my grave.Well,I say grave-it was just a hole in the ground
**********
Yes, this really happened, and it really happened to me.
As a Software Engineer for Eastman Kodak Company I have been
considering purchasing a C compiler for my home computer. I read
BYTE, and I see the adds, but I wasn't really ready to buy.
A couple of days ago I was walking in the local Mall, and noticed a
store which sells software. Mostly, they had games there, but there
were some word processing and tax preparation packages. I figured I
would ask about the cost of C compilers, just to find out what the
"non-mail order" price was.
The clerk looked like he was a senior in High School.
Me: "Pardon me, but do you have any C compilers?"
Clerk: "No, but we have `Sea Commander', and
`Sea Destroyer'."
As I walked away in disgust, I wondered how a person with an education
like that could work in such a position. (That is: how did he get the
job, and how did he manage to hold it?) However, the story clearly
demonstrates just how subjective hearing is. After all, to me "Sea
Destroyer" sounded like a REALLY nasty computer virus.
P.S. BTW, they DO sell C compilers!! The clerk just wasn't very Csoned.
(uggh!)
----------------------------------------------------
And Michael Rutkaus' siftings:
**********
I hope the tree puns end here...i'd get sycamore.
End it right here, its oak-ay with me.
I don't know about yew, but I hope that's the last tree pun I cedar.
(It's just not my cup of teak...)
**********
What is it?
The man who built it didn't want it.
The man who bought it couldn't use it.
The man who used it didn't know it.
What was it?
A coffin, silly!
----------------------------------------------------
And Kent Williams' siftings:
**********
Ok. What do you call three blondes in a Volkswagon.
FARFROMTHINKEN
**********
]FUN THING TO DO:
- call the persons listed above and below you in the phone book. Introduce
yourself. Tell them youre just being neighborly and if they ever need
anything dont hesitate to call.
- Call Hertz and request to reserve a black Lincoln with out of state
plates, dark tinted bullet proof windows and the off road suspension
package.
**********
Kirk: Let's blow it up
Picard: Let's talk to it.
Kirk: Let's go down there and kill it.
Picard: Let's have a conference
**********
"No matter how warm or cold it is inside, it is always room temperature."
"I lost a button hole the other day."
--Steven Wright
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