Date: 18 May 92 13:20:38 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 8.6
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Stuff From: todd@gwinnett.com (Todd Reese)
got from dsc.cuties
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The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. He
to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and
stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.
-- Albert Einstein
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Contributed by: ihuxv!nira
Work hard and save your money and when you
are old you will be able to buy the things
only the young can enjoy.
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Contributed by: ihuxv!nira
A LOCAL POLITICIAN sent out thousands of letters to the voters
in his county requesting funds to help finance his reelection.
The letters were addressed simply "Occupant."
A few days later he received one check for $100,000. The
fellow could hardly believe his eyes. Who was this benefactor?
Quickly he looked at the name on the check. It was signed
"Occupant."
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Contributed by: ihuxv!nira
A new employee was habitually late. Finnally, the
foreman called him in. "Don't you know what
time we go to work here?" he shouted.
"No, sir," was the reply, "I haven't been able to
figure it out yet, because the rest of you are
already here."
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Contributed by:: ihps3!harpo!decvax!utzoo!utcsrgv!dawes
What is the beginning of eternity,
The end of time and space,
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every race?
The answer, of course, is "e".
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Contributed by:: ihps3!harpo!duke!decvax!microsof!uw-beave!ubc-visi!majka
Did you hear that every year in the Soviet Union, there is a Union-wide
Lenin look-alike contest. The winner gets put in the tomb.
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Contributed by:: ihps3!harpo!eagle!mhtsa!alice!rabbit!ark
Then there was the one about...
... the accountant who liked to work all day at
inventing tax shelters until it got dark.
He compared himself to the Lone Ranger,
writing off into the sunset...
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Contributed by:: ihps3!houxi!npois!npoiv!harpo!decvax!microsof!fluke!vax1:witters
There was a conference in Europe attended by representatives of several nations.
Each representative gave a short talk. The Swiss representative introduced
himself before his talk as the Minister of the Swiss Navy. This got some
chuckles from the audience because Switzerland is landlocked. He then asked
"What is so funny? I understand Italy has a Minister of Finance!"
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Contributed by: ihps3!ixn5c!inuxc!pur-ee!ecn-pa:scott
Name: Scott Deerwester
I heard an interesting description of a career administrative
who was known for being set in his ways. He was described
as a standard model, but with 20 years of ROM - read-only
mind.
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Contributed by: ihps3!harpo!esquire!cmcl2!rocky2!steward
My Uncle Earl was a judge in Erie County, New York. Early in
his career he closed down a cat-house in downtown Buffalo.
The madame had to move her house outside the city limits,
which caused her to lose quite a bit of business. When she
died, my uncle received a notice of probate stating he was to
receive a distribution from the old lady's estate. Curious,
he went to the reading of the Will and was horrified to learn
he was to get $1 million "in memory of many fond nights together."
Of course, he renounced his right to receive this distribution.
Later, he started a $1 million suit against the estate for
testamentary libel.
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Contributed by: ihuxi!ixn5c!ihldt!ll1!sb1!burl!mhuxv!mhuxm!mhuxh!mhuxa!mhuxt!eagle!harpo!decvax!utzoo!watmath!rtris
After a long and vigorous life Reagan dies. He appears at the
pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter stands there waiting for newcomers, and
as Reagan approaches he looks up his name in the Book of Life, and behold
it is there. There is an annotation however. St. Peter explains to Reagan
that he may enter, but that he must spend a year in penance if he is to
enjoy the full rewards of heavan. His penance will consist of a year in a
room with Atilla the Hun. Reagan thinks this over for about ten minutes,
after which he decides that a year is nothing compared with eternity and he
accepts his penance. St. Peter guides him along a long hall and shows him
to his room where he can see Atilla waiting for him. He looks around and
on the other side of the hall he sees Trudeau in a room with BO DEREK!
Before Peter can close the door Reagan grabs him and says. "Hey, this isn't
very fair! That person over there wasn't all that much better on earth
than I was."
St. Peter shrugs him off and says:
"Bo Dereks penance is none of your business".
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Contributed by: ihps3!houxz!houxi!houxm!npois!npoiv!harpo!seismo!uwvax!rodolf
Name: Rick Lindsley
Another:
Why do demons and ghouls always hang around together?
Well, everyone knows that demons are a ghouls best friend.
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Contributed by: ihps3!harpo!decvax!cwruecmp!ccc
Rumor has it that a leading scientist at a top-secret government laboratory
has developed a new type of integrated circuit that could revolutionize
the electronics industry. It involves using a nonconductive substrate
made of inert starchy vegetable matter. It's called...
The potato chip.
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Contributed by: ihuxi!ixn5c!ihldt!ll1!sb1!sb6!lhs1
Adler's Distinction:
Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
and from the bureaucrats.
Advertising Rule:
In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince
the reader that he has the disease he is reading about;
secondly, that it is curable.
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Contributed by: ihuxi!ixn5c!ihldt!ll1!sb1!sb6!lhs1
Air Force Inertia Axiom:
Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
Alden's Laws:
(1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
of pregnancy.
(2) Always be backlit.
(3) Sit down whenever possible.
Andrea's Admonition:
Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
it isn't and he can.
Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat
upon by the bee.
Barker's Proof:
Proofreading is more effective after publication.
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
(1) Houses are for people to live in.
(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
(1) In any given document, you can't cover all the
"what if's".
(2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved
"what if's".
(3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved
"what if's".
Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
The judge's jokes are always funny.
Blutarsky's Axiom:
Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen
to reason.
Boucher's Observation:
He who blows his own horn always plays the music several
octaves higher than originally written.
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question,
"How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"
Bureau Termination, Law of:
When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the
number of employees in that bureau will double within 12
months after the decision is made.
Carson's Observation on Footwear:
If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.
Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the
fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes
hard while crackers become soft.
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Contributed by: ixn5c!ihps3!houxz!houxi!houxa!houxm!npois!npoiv!hou5f!hou5d!aptools
Name: Mark Terribile
An amteur magician that I know tells
the story of the time that Hans Christian
Anderson raced against a glacier. Of course,
Hans one, since, as we all know,
the Hans is quicker that the Ice?
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Contributed by: ixn5c!ihps3!houxz!houxi!hou5d!hou5a!hou5e!jjm
A friend of mine in sunny California told me that he
was at a surfing competition last summer, and one of the
competitors merely stood knee-deep in the water as all
the others paddled out toward the big waves. When asked
why he didn't swim out, he said..
"They also surf, who only stand and wade."
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Contributed by: ixn5c!ihps3!houxz!houxi!hou5d!hou5a!hou5e!jjm
A friend of mine who is a Xerox salesman was recently at a sales convention
cocktail party when he asked a new aquaintence, "Have you heard the latest
IBM-salesman joke?"
His colleague replied, "Before you say anything, I should warn you that I'm an
IBM-salesman."
The Xerox salesman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'll tell it very slowly."
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Contributed by: gccwb!wegdcb
When Thomas Edison was inventing the electric light, he spent years trying
to find the right kind of filament, the right filler gas, the right con-
tainer. Finally one night, about three o'clock in the morning, he made
the device glow. Edison ran out of the laboratory, into the house, up
the stairs and into the bedroom where his wife was sleeping. "Darling,
look!" he shouted.
Mrs. Edison woke up, rolled over, and pleaded: Will you shut that light
off and come to bed?"
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Contributed by: ihnp4!ihps3!houxz!houxi!houxa!houxm!npois!npoiv!harpo!floyd!trb
Name: Andy Tannenbaum
There was an article in the Journal of Irreproducible Results entitled
"NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC: THE DOOMSDAY MACHINE" (V20 #3 p22 3/74) which
alleged that "PUBLICATION AND DISTRIBUTION OF THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC
MAGAZINE MUST BE IMMEDIATELY STOPPED AT ALL COSTS!" because people are
hoarding them, and their great weight is causing the whole country to
sink. There were followup articles arguing the hypothesis, including
maps of what the coastline will look like when it sinks 100 feet
because of NG hoarding. Not a pretty sight.
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Contributed by: ihps3!houxz!houxi!houxa!houxm!npois!npoiv!harpo!zeppo!whuxlb!pfc
Name: Peter Caswell
Real programs..........
.............don't eat cache.
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Contributed by: ihps3!ihuxb!pax
Name: Joe T. Hall
Subject: Human/Computer Incompatibility
Found in InfoWorld:
.... mistakenly asserts that humans and computers have
incompatible numbering systems because nature dealt us
five fingers. Rubbish! The real fault is those humans
who started counting without reailizing that the thumb
is a parity-check bit. ....
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Contributed by: attegb!gc3ba
The cartoon below has been on my desk for a number of years. I haven't
decided whether the subject being taught is computer literacy or language
arts.
----Charles Einolf
|---------------------------|
| |
| 0001, 0010 |
| Buckle my shoe |
| |
| 0011, 0100 |
| Shut the door |
| |
| 0101, 0110 |
| Pick up sticks |
| |
| 0111, 1000 |
| Lay them straight |
| |
| 1001, 1010 |
| Big Fat Hen |
| |
|---------------------------|
]From SECME "SPOTLIGHT"
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Contributed by: ihnp4!harpo!decvax!wivax!linus!genradbo!grkermit!markm
A scientist, an enginneer, and a hacker escape from jail. They decide to
hide from the approaching guards in a nearby apple orchard. They each
clamber up a different tree and hide themselves among the branches. Minutes
later the guards arrive. The guard dogs lead them to the tree where the
scientist is hiding. The scientist thinks fast and goes "hoot hoot". "Just
an owl", says one guard to another. The dogs then lead them to the tree
where the enginneer is hiding. The enginneer follows the scientist's lead
and goes "tweet tweet". "Just a sparrow", says the guard, kicking one of
the dogs. The dogs then lead them to the tree where the hacker is hiding.
"You better be right this time", shouts the guard to the dogs. "Is there
anyone up there?", yells the guard. "Moooo Mooooo".
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Contributed by: ihnp4!ihps3!houxz!houxi!houxa!houxm!npois!npoiv!harpo!duke!unc!dbs
Name: Douglas Brian Schiff
The animals were bored. Finally the lion had an idea.
"I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football.
I've seen it on T.V. ".
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got
excited about it so they decided to play.
They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then
had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick.
He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First he crushed a
roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two
cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a T.D. and the mule kicked the
extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6.
In the lockerroom the lion gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have
one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a
killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's
team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again
the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First he stomped two
gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way.
It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he
dropped over dead. There were know other animals in sight anywhere near
him. The lion went over to see what had happenned.
Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where the hell were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
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