Date: 8 Jun 92 17:14:10 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 8.9
----------------------------------------------------
From: Josh_Cohen@3mail.3com
This one is a true story from someone I know who serves in the National Guard
and was called down to LA during the riots.
--------------
Best story I heard ... The Marines were backing-up L.A.P.D. on a call that
someone had broke into a store. At the scene, the cop told the Marines to
"cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your
weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of
fire!). The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178
rounds before they stopped shooting. The thief, probably a little scared at
this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!".
----------------------------------------------------
From Steven Waltman:
From the Rochester _Democrat and Chronicle_, 4/14/92
Pittsburgh (AP) - If the _Titanic_ went down today, a little more than a
third of men would give up lifeboat seats to women outside their immediate
families, according to a newspaper survey.
"There aren't gentlemanly ways today," said Mike Sigworth, one of 200 people
interviewed for the _Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's_ "Titanic Test." Everybody
would be just trying to get the hell off the boat."
The _Titanic's_ April 1912 sinking killed 1,490 people, including 1,329 men;
about 300 of 490 surviving passengers were women. Some male survivors were
scorned because they forgot or ignored the tradition of filling lifeboats
with "women and children first."
The _Post-Gazette_ asked western Pennsylvania residents if they would save
their own skins or give spots to relatives, celebrities and strangers.
The survey did show a high regard for Mother Theresa. Fifty two percent of
male passengers said they would give up their seats to her, but only 8 percent
to Madonna and 7 percent to Penguins hockey star Mario Lemieux.
----------------------------------------------------
From Troy Cheek
| Stewart & Nimoy in '92! It's Logical! |
THC8650@TNTECH.bitnet
----------------------------------------------------
From: chai@hawk.cs.ukans
The great psychologist Dr. Horst Zilber was the first person to do a
scientific study on the fundamental principle of human psychology that
causes the herd instinct -- you know, the tendency of people in large
groups to do the same thing that they would not do individually. He
called it the "rinding" effect, because just as the rind of a fruit
keeps it together as a cohesive whole, this psychological effect keeps
mobs together. Well, western science being what it is, this effect got
Dr. Zilber's name tacked on to it. So,
every crowd has a Zilber Rinding.
----------------------------------------------------
From a sig file on rec.humor:
Somebody please help the Democrats find their brain;
it appears they've lost it. Or perhaps the socialists
stole it, needing one for themselves?
----------------------------------------------------
From Martin Leisner:
I bought Thomas J. Watson's "Father & Son" (haven't read it yet).
Looking up Software Engineering in the index, I saw listed "Fred Brooks".
On page 363, this is what Watson has to say on software:
Meanwhile to write the basic software for the 360 line bogged down
alarmingly. The more the software was delayed, the more programmers we assigned
; by 1966 we had 2000 people working on it, and the cost of developing the
software was beginning to exceed the cost of the hardware. We learned the hard
way one of the great secret of computer engineering: throwing people at a
software project is not the way to speed it up.
A piece of software is a unified thing; if you try to break up the
job of writing it among too many people, it takes more time to corrdinate them
than the division of labor saves. Or as Fred Brooks, the droll engineering
genius from North Carolina who led the project , once wrote, "the bearing of a
child takes nine months, no matter how many women are assigned."
----------------------------------------------------
From prasad_gharpure@gatormail.cvrti.utah.edu:
Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?
Father: Ok ask.
Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring
doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the
doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor.
Father : !!!??????!!!
----------------------------------------------------
From: neumann@csl.sri
What is this?
__ __ __
/ \/ \/ \
\__/\__/\__/
/ \/ \/ \
\__/\__/\__/
/ \/ \/ \
\__/\__/\__/
/ \/ \/ \
\__/\__/\__/
\
NO
3
Answer: Chicken-wire nitrate. [VERY OLD]
----------------------------------------------------
From: MBS116@psuvm.psu.edu (Michael B. Smith)
Subject: Enterprise-D Warranty(funny)
TOP 21 Signs That the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty
---------------------------
21: Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
20: Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
19: Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
18: Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of
warp coil now held up by phone book.
17: Computer fails to process any instruction beginnig with "w".
16: Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
15: Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image
from flickering.
14: Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through
squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
13: Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
12: Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side,
which become to steep for crew to climb.
11: Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2
people on board.
10: Holodeck becomes caught in infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten
thousand care bears.
9: Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni
and cheese.
8: Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
7: Bug in main computer speech proccessor: computer voice will either
stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
6: Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's
shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
5: Ship's dryer indiscriminently shreds crew's uniforms, and related
problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with
Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
4: Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty
please, with sugar on it."
3: Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and
loses access to nude volleyball program.
2: Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are
exhausted, and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
1: Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.
----------------------------------------------------
From: SHURTLEFF_ERIC@tandem
------------ ORIGINAL ATTACHMENT --------
SENT 05-26-92 FROM LUSTIG_DOROTHY @SUPPORT (Lust*)
SENT 06-04-92 FROM DAVIS_MICHAEL_J @CONN
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
To be continued....
**************************
Joseph Hazelwood, convicted of misdemeanor negligence for leaving the
bridge of the Exxon Valdez before it ran aground and created the nation's
worst oil spill, has been hired to teach students at the Maritime College
of the State University of New York how to stand watch!
-----------
What's Next?
o The Leona Helmsley School of Tax Preparation
o The Mike Tyson Charm School
o The William Kennedy Smith Dating Service
o The Saddam Hussein Military Academy
o The Charles Keating Chair in Business Ethics
o The Daryl Gates/Al Sharpton Study on Race Relations
o The Don King Barber College
o The Pee-wee Herman Advanced Sexuality Course
o The Louis Farrakhan School of Diplomacy
--from the Mercury News Editorial page.....
**************************
George Bush's Limousine: "Discover America & Tell Me What It's Like"
(People are always proud of their accomplishments):
Imelda Marcos' Car: "Ask Me About My Dead Husband"
Jerry Brown's vehicle: "My Other Car is a Spaceship"
Jimmy Swaggart's car: "CAUTION: This vehicle makes frequent stops"
Swaggart's OTHER car
in Los Angeles -
(a Jaguar): "TV evangelists do it religously"
Michael Jackson's car: "Have you hugged YOURSELF today?"
from a Yugo: "Eat My Rust"
Wilt Chamberlain's car: "I (heart) Anything That Moves"
Dr. Kervorkian's car: "I'd rather be dead"
----------------------------------------------------
From a friend of my fathers at HP:
**************************
Subject: CSY/IND Shocker !!!
HP NEWSGRAM
All last names have been truncated to avoid embarassement to the innocent.
Saturday, 29 Feb 1992
Cupertino, CA:
IND support engineer Marjorie S. has accepted a friendly takeover bid
by CSY Marketing whizboy Brad W.. The couple has agreed in principle to
a merger to be finalized during this summer. Ms. S.'s family is
delighted, which is bound to surprise those who know Mr. W. well.
Mr. W.'s brothers could not be reached for comment, as today is their
day for treatment at the methadone clinic.
The couple has not yet decided on a ring, a fact which Mr. W. blames on
CSY Marketing poobah Glenn O.. "Glenn often chains his people to their
desks until they come up with a new way to conjugate the terms Open and
Client/Server. The best I could do recently was 'We openly lead in client-
serverosity', and Glenn left me chained to my desk for four straight weeks".
IND support mucky-muck Dwight P. commented, "We knew Marjorie was running
with a bad crowd, but this is worse than we thought." The rest of Ms. S.'s
team is planning to discuss this situation during their weekly group therapy.
Tentative plans are for a very small merger ceremony to be held at Lake
Tekapo, South Island, New Zealand, followed by a reception / drunken brawl
to be held in the Cupertino area.
*************************************
Hewlett Packard is a great big organization that manufactures HP watches,
gas chromatographs, calculators, pen and pencil sets, Packard automobiles,
and open client/server distributed scalable standards-based ergonomic
enterprise-wide mainframe-class stuff. Hewlett-Packard employs heaps and
heaps of people, and 1991 revenues were, in the words of John Y.,
"bigger than a breadbox".
----------------------------------------------------
From Victor Schwartz's list:
**************************
(From James Lileks' "Notes of a Nervous Man":)
Wieners come in packs of ten, buns in packs of eight, beer in packs of six,
presliced bologna comes in packs of sixteen slices, condoms come in packs
of 3. Why can't they get it straight? Man needs a calculator just to have
a weekend.
**************************
The following item is LEGITIMATE ... from a feature in the April 20 issue
of NewsWeek Magazine entitled "Ideas for Home Maintenance and Repair".
(i.e., "I'm not making this up!")
"When a (light)bulb breaks in its socket, jam a piece of raw potato into
the bulb's base and then twist it out."
(There's a WONDERFUL illustration!")
**************************
(Excerpted from James Lileks' "Note of a Nervous Man":)
Motorcycles are a leading cause of head injuries, you know. When I told my
parents I was getting one, I heard a sharp CRACK on the other end of the
line - the sound of my mother fainting, and hitting her head on the table.
Helmets, I believe, should be mandatory for all parent whose children tell
them they are buying a motorcycle.
It's not like I'm buying a real motorcycle. What I want is a scooter, a
moped. Something with the horsepower of a blender. My reasons are solid,
logical: scooters get around 73,000 miles per gallon; if you ever run out
of gas, you just spit in the tank and it'll go another hundred miles.
They're cheap to park; some models double as keychains and fit right in
your pocket.
But people just don't see scooters, my friends tell me. At first, I found
this hard to believe. Most scooters are painted either
radioactive-bubblegum-pink or severed-artery-red. Short of maneuvering
alongside an open car window and putting your thumb into a driver's eye,
scooter colors ensure you'll be noticed. Or so I thought. ... Evidently
(scooters) represent the vanguard of Stealth technology. All the more
reason to buy one. If times get tough, I can start holding up convenience
stores and escaping Zorro-like on my invisible scooter.
The only bad part about scooters is buying them. You have to go to a place
that sells Real Motorcycles and admit you want something that goes
"putt-putt."
"There's the Barbie," (the salesman said,) pointing to a pink scooter.
"Top speed of .05 mph. Runs on watch batteries." I said I wanted
something more powerful, and he pointed to a scooter with "MY FIRST HOG"
painted on the gas tank. "Pull this cord here, and it makes real
motorcycle noises. You can pretend to give it oil with this bottle and
nipple here, and half an hour later it wets oil on the garage floor. Very
realistic."
"Something bigger, please."
"How about the EMLC 30? Perfect for a guy like you. Sporty, sexy,
WITH-IT. Not powerful enough to get you in trouble, but peppy enough to
give an illusion of recaptured youth." I said I'd take it.
After I'd signed the papers, I asked him just what EMLC stood for, anyway.
"Early mid-life crisis," he said. Every spring we sell a million of 'em."
**************************
(From this morning's San Jose News:)
LEARNING TO USE THE INTERNET BY THE (COMIC) BOOK
The instructionally Challenged among us no doubt remember Classics
Illustrated, the colorful, lavishly drawn alternative to all those boring
Russian novels you were assigned in high school. Now the comic-book
approach to teaching complex subjects has moved to the high-tech world of
computer networks, thanks to the folks at the California Education and
Research Federation network in San Diego, known in networkland as CERFnet.
Last summer, the folks at CERF decided they needed something besides the
complicated manuals to introduce new users to the nationwide Internet
computer network, which of late has been attracting computer novices. So
the organization turned to some local high school students to develop what
became the first Internet comic book: The Adventures of Captain Internet
and CERF Boy in the LAN (ouch) That Time Forgot (double ouch).
In the book, the intrepid hero Captain Internet and his alter ego Diana
Domain battle the evil forces of Count Crackula. CERF hopes the comic will
help students at all levels understand the lingo of the Internet, although
as the teacher warned you about Classics Illustrated, it's no substitute
for reading the real thing.
The comic has been so successful - only about 200 copies are left of a
printing of 10,000 or so - that CERF is preparing the second volume of the
series, which with any luck should be out by June. The title: Raiders of
the Lost ARP (the last being an acronym for a communications protoco, and
not, unfortunately, Agonizing Recurring Pun.)
You can get your copy of the first issue by sending electronic mail on the
Internet to help@cerf.net. Or, for true novices, try a more familiar
network: Call toll-free (800) 876-CERF.
**************************
(From today's San Jose News:)
Danielle Ammaccapane picks up $180,000 Sunday for winning a golf
tournament. She leads the LPGA (Ladies Pro Golfers Association) in
earnings for the season with more than $350,000 and already has surpassed
$1 million in career winnings early in her fifth year on the pro tour.
On the other hand, Algerians finished 1-2 in the world camel marathon
Sunday in Tunisia, a 26-mile race over sand dunes and steppes. The
winner's purse: $1,385.
**************************
(There is a petition currently circulating in my local school district ...
Santa Clara Unified ... to replace ALL SEVEN of the members of the school
board. So it was particularly timely to see this quote in the San Jose
Mercury News this week.)
"First, God created idiots. That was just practice. Then he created
school boards."
- Mark Twain
**************************
The following (large) road sign appears on Interstate Highway 5 near the
San Diego Airport:
"Cruise Ships use Airport Exit"
(Editorial note: I would certainly hope that if any cruise ships are going
along Interstate 5 at that point, they would use the VERY NEXT exit!)
(Editorial note #2: In case you couldn't parse the INTENTION of the above
sign ... there are some cruise ships along the docks (a much more logical
place for cruise ships than an interstate highway!) in San Diego, not far
from the airport. These cruise ships are open to the public as a tourist
attraction, so the sign is for the benefit of the TOURISTS, not the cruise
ship captains!)
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