Date: 16 Jun 92 16:24:46 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life 8.A
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Sarah M. Elkins sifted the following from rec.humor:
From: f88-som@nada.kth.se (Sead Omerov)
-"How many are there working at your office ?"
-"About one third."
-"For how long have you been working at that office ?"
-"Ever since they threatened to fire me."
He arrived home after his first day of work at the office, saying:
-"Oh, that boss of ours is horrible, he's forcing us to work for four".
Wiping away the sweat from his forehead he added:
-"It's at least good there are twelve of us."
He had decided to take the risk of working, so he grabbed a coin and said:
-"If I get a head I'll go listen to some records, if I get a tail I'll
go out for a beer, and, if it falls on the edge I'll go get a job."
**************************
From: bprk_ss@troi.cc.rochester.edu (Brian Park)
Subject: Re: Political correct again
I always liked
metabolically challenged: dead
**************************
from fortune (Unix):
Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
to him.
So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
he met the traveling salesman.
"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
in high-level language.
"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
and Apples," commented Jack.
"I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
started thrashing.
"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
window...
----------------------------------------------------
Peter Yee sifted the following from rec.humor:
**************************
Ludwig Boltzmann, who spent much of his life studying statistical
mechanics, died in 1906, by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying on
the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn to study
statistical mechanics. Perhaps it will be wise to approach the subject
cautiously.
-- David L. Goodstein [ _States of Matter_ ]
**************************
Bischoff, one of the leading anatomists of Europe, thrived in the 1870s.
He carefully measured brain weights, and after many years' accumulation
of much data he observed that the average weight of a man's brain was 1350
grams, that of a woman only 1250 grams. This at once, he argued, was
infallible proof of the mental superiority of men over women. Throughout his
life he defended this hypothesis with the conviction of a zealot. Being the
true scientist, he specified in his will that his own brain be added to his
impressive collection. The postmortem examination elicited the interesting
fact that his own brain weighed only 1245 grams.
-- Scientific American [March 1992]
**************************
But in physics I soon learned to scent out the paths that led to the
depths, and to disregard everything else, all the many things that
clutter up the mind, and divert it from the essential. The hitch in this
was, of course, the fact that one had to cram all this stuff into one's
mind for the examination, whether one liked it or not.
-- Albert Einstein
----------------------------------------------------
Michael Rutkaus sifted the following from rec.humor:
**************************
A bull behind a tapestry is when you can't see the taurus through the frieze."
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What's the first number in the English language that uses the letter
"A"?
The correct answer is.... don't peek if you want to figure it out.
one thousAnd
**************************
mccauley@bucknell.edu (robert mccauley `93) writes:
] ISDN
] Imaginary Services Delivered Nowhere
] It Still Doesn't Network
] I Still Don't kNow
It Still Does Nothing
**************************
-"Tell me, doctor, how much time do I have left to live ?"
-"Well, it's hard to say, but if I was you, I wouldn't start watching
any serials on TV."
**************************
What happens when you eat uranium?
You get atomic ache.
**************************
If you drop a blonde and a brunette from 100 ft, which hits the ground first?
The brunette, because the blond has to ask directions on the way down.
----------------------------------------------------
From Jeff Knodel [knodel@cis.ohio-state.edu]
**************************
From: BACS Data Communications Group [commgrp@silver.ucs.indiana.edu]
Subject: Re: TRIVIA
The radiation belts surrounding the earth were
discovered almost simultaneously by VanAllen and another
scientist named Fan. VanAllen published first, or else the
earth would have a Fan Belt.
**************************
From: lawsonj@cs.man.ac.uk (Julian Lawson)
Subject: My sister told me this and thought it was very funny....?
What's brown and sitcky?
A stick.
]] This is probably a comment upon my sister.
**************************
From: auerbach@sleepy.bmd.trw.com
Subject: Steven Wright or not?
Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I asked myself:
"Where the hell is my roof?"
**************************
From: captainm@tz.wimsey.bc.ca (Captain Maniac)
A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests
attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn doing
yardwork. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and
while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful
swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the
host, 'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him $100 to
demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!' When the host asked the
first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey Fred! Do you
think for a hundred dollars you could step on that rake again?'
**************************
From: ppoblete@pincoya.dcc.uchile.cl (Patricio Poblete)
Subject: Re: Fax paper curled up
A few years ago, my wife was workins as a secretary for the head manager
of an American bank in Chile. The bank was conducting secret negotiations
with another important bank. One day, she received from the other bank a
fax of a certain very sensitive document, followed by a call from the
secretary there, telling her that, because the document was confidential,
her boss requested that they should return the document after reading it...
by faxing it back!
My wife tried to argue with them, but they were firm. So she faxed it back.
**************************
From: sahmed@occs.cs.oberlin.edu (Saif Ahmed)
Subject: T.V. ratings
Recently in L.A. a test pattern airing at 2:00 a.m. on a local tv
station KTLA got higher ratings than the 10:00 pm News broadcast by
two competing stations.
**************************
From: mcsweinberg@memstvx1.memst.edu
Subject: Clean Easter Joke.
What does the Easter Bunny get for making baskets.
2 or 3 points like everyone else.
**************************
From: mikkelson@thewav.enet.dec.com (snopes)
Subject: Re: Churchill and French
President Charles de Gaulle, a six-foot-four-inch humorless Frenchman
with "a head like a banana and hips like a woman" (as Hugh Dalton
remarked), did nothit it off with the much more compact and sparkling
Churchill. Each had his own ego problem; each saw himself as the
embodiment of his nation. On one occasion, during dinner at Chequers,
Churchill was informed by his butler that de Gaulle wished to speak to
him on the phone. Churchill, in the middle of drinking his soup,
refused to take the call. De Gaulle, vehemently persisting through
the intermediary of the butler, eventually persuaded the British
leaderto abandon his soup. When Churchill returned to the table ten
minutes later, he was still crimson with rage. "Bloody de Gaulle! He
had the impertinence to tell me that the French regard him as the
reincarnation of Joan of Arc." Pause. "I found it necessary to
remind him that we had to burn the first one."
**************************
From: snoopy@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu
A LONG DROP
Two men were working near the ledge of a cliff when one
fell off. His friend quick, to react, calls him on the walkie
talkie;
"Are you OK, any bonesbroken?"
"Yes, I'm OK, No bones broken," answered the man.
"Well, come on back up."
"I can't. I'm still falling."
**************************
At the post office a woman complained to the clerk that a
Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St.
Louis in two days, and now it took three.
"I'd like to know why," she scoffed. The clerk thought a
moment and then suggested, "The horses are a lot older now?"
**************************
A man dies suddenly without writing a will. The distressed widow goes
to a lawyer.
Lawyer: "Hmm, so your husband died without writing a will. Did he say
anything to you before he died?"
Widow: "Yes, he said `Mary, you can't even hit the broad side of a barn
with that thing, so put it down' ."
**************************
From: Mike_Quigley@mindlink.bc.ca (Mike Quigley)
Subject: More Star Trek Jokes [selected]
Kirk: What is that ensign's name, Bones? He reminds me of a horse.
Bones: He's Ed, Jim.
Kirk: What club is the patient vactioning with, Bones?
McCoy: He's Med, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, what about Ensign Yeast?
Bones: He's bread, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, who's that new crew member who calls himself Clampett?
McCoy: He's Jed, Jim.
KIrk: Bones, what about ensign Pb?
Bones: He's Lead, Jim.
Kirk: Where's Spock? Last I heard, he was getting really sick of these jokes!
Bones: He's fled, Jim.
**************************
From: mfcmeach@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (Jo Meachem)
Subject: For our friends overseas...
The crofter's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the
doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be
busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I
can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world.
"Och!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by...I think
there's yet another wee bairn to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
"Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems
there's yet another one besides!", cried the doctor.
The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor:
"Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the light's attracting them?"
**************************
From: APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU
Subject: Dave Barry on cats
According to Dave Barry---
"Cats are less loyal than dogs, but more independent. (This is code. It
means:"Cats are smarter than dogs, but they hate people.") Many people
love cats. From time to time, newspapers print stories about some elderly
widow who died and left her entire estate, valued at $320,00, to her cat,
Fluffkins. Cats read these stories, too, and are always plotting to get
named as beneficiaries in their owners' wills. Did you ever wonder where
your cat goes when it wanders off for several hours? It meets with
other cats in estate-planning seminars. I just thought you should know."
**************************
[Selected PC Phrases]
cerebrally challenged : stupid
chronologically gifted : old
client of the correctional system : prisoner
economically marginalized : poor
follicularly challenged : bald
melanin-impoverished : white
motivationally dispossessed : lazy
person of substance : fat person
vehicle-appearance specialist : car washer
Street activity index : crime rate
Fiscally challenged institution : bankrupt savings and loan
Residentially challenged : homeless
Aesthetically challenged : ugly
Geological correction : earthquake
**************************
From: bchurch@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Robert Church)
Subject: Re: Stupid instructions
I'm a skydiver and was looking at the emergency chutes that
passengers and pilots are required to wear in a jump plane.
The tag says, fall away from aircraft and tug handle vigorously.
**************************
An accoustic-guided submunition call the BAT may be good against tanks,
but not against an F-117. A reader who works on the stealth fighter in
Saudi Arabia says bats (the natural ones) occasionally work their way
into F-117 hangers [sic]. One night a hungry bat turned right into an
F-117 rudder and fell stunned to the floor. He flew away groggily,
leaving behind a heightened impression of the aircraft's stealth. "I
don't know what the radar return is for the vertical tails of the F-117
but I always thought it had to be more than an insect's," the reader
said. "I guess I was wrong." There may be some "science" in this --
the ultrasound wavelengths used by bats are roughly the same as X-band
radar.
**************************
From: APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU
Subject: Baby humor
From Reader's Digest, June 1992:
I grew up in a non-musical family - only one of our five siblings
can even carry a tune. So, I've restricted my singing to private
places like the bathtub or the car. But one night, I softly sang
a lullaby to my nine-month-old baby. After the first verse, he
sweetly looked into my eyes, removed the pacifier from his mouth
and placed it in mine.
**************************
From: APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU
Subject: Small Surprise
More from Reader's Digest:
My husband and I had just finished tucking our four young ones
into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-
year-old Eric's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying
hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was
sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change
his mind.
Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened
to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Eric's ear.
Eric was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's
hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"
**************************
From: nash@menu.visus.com (Richard V. Nash)
Subject: Interview Questions
This executive was interviewing a nervous young women for a
position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her
personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with
someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The girl quickly
responded, "The living one."
**************************
From: captainm@tz.wimsey.bc.ca (Captain Maniac)
Did you hear the one about the obese, alcoholic, transvestite?
--- All he wanted to do was eat, drink, and be Mary!
**************************
knauer@knauer.intel.com (Rob Knauerhase)
]From Jay Leno (on the Tonight Show):
This year, Bill Clinton has the potential to do something that no Democratic
candidate in recent years could have done...
... Come in third in the Presidential election.
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