Date: 29 Jun 92 14:35:15 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 8.C
----------------------------------------------------
The following are from:
From: spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Gene Spafford)
**************************
From: paul%dblegl.atl.ga.us@mathcs.emory.edu (Paul D. Manno)
Subject: Guard frogs
As published in the Earthweek column by Steve Newman ...
An English pet-shop owner has offered a solution to homeowners looking
for the security of a guard dog without the responsibility - a frog
that barks. The tiny green and yellow amphibian, from Kirbati and
Tuvalu, the former Gilbert and Ellice islands in the Pacific, has been
a sellout for a shop in Sunderland, northeast England. "They bark as
loud as a dog, but cost a lot less to feed," the shop owner insists.
"A two pound bag of crickets will last them a whole month."
**************************
From: prb@access.digex.com (Pat)
Subject: LA RIOT Bumper Stickers/T-SHirts.
Matt Groening had some T-SHirts for the LA Riot in his column Life in Hell.
The better ones included:
My other car is on Fire.
My parents benefited from a 60's style welfare program
and all i got was this lousy T Shirt.
I used to love LA.
A few of us were discussing possible bumper stickers.
LA, Its a riot.
That's not smog, that's your house.
**************************
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Richard Kulawiec)
Subject: Bumpersticker that Phil Moyer should have
(seen on the Schuylkill Distressway at rush hour)
"If I had an F-16, I'd be home by now."
**************************
From: Patricia O Tuama [rissa@cs.uchicago.edu]
Subject: congress on the net?
In Washington, the chairman of the House Administrative
Committee recently said that all House members will have,
by next year, full interactive access to users of the Internet
computer network
well, i'd rather have dan quayle online than the entire congress
but does this mean that we'll soon find john glenn in sci.astro,
henry hyde in talk.abortion or or jesse helms in rec.arts.fine?
ted kennedy in alt.sex.bondage?
**************************
From: graham@visionware.co.uk (Graham Porter)
Subject: My God a joke in eunet.jokes !
The 7 dwarves go off to the mine and leave Snow White at home.
Some time later there's a huge explosion and Snow White goes rushing
off to see what's happened. When she gets there all she can hear
is this squeaky voice coming from down the mineshaft saying
"OS/2 is the Operating System of the future".
Thank God she says - at least Dopey is still alive !
**************************
From: Bill.Wisner@EBay.Sun.COM (Bill Wisner)
Subject: NOTW
The Manitoba, Canada, Natural Resources Minister apologized in February
when news got out that the government had saved $1,800 in postage by mailing
a fishing survey through the U.S. mails rather than through Canada's. Clerks
had gone to Grand Forks, N.D., about 100 miles from the border, to mail the
surveys to several thousand U.S. anglers who use Manitoba waters.
--
A federal magistrate ruled in November that the Alabama prison policy of
allowing female guards to oversee showers by male prisoners is not "cruel
and unusual punishment" for the men but a reasonably policy for security and
equal employement opportunities for female guards.
**************************
From: jsb@panix.com (J. S. B'ach)
Subject: School, No Passing
So we've all seen the cute ways in which trucks an busses try to tell you
not to pass on the right. Coming to mind just now are "Passing Side" on
the left rear and "Suicide" on the right, or "Overtaker" left and "Under-
taker" right. But yesterday, there was this big bus in front of me and
it was called Mr. Bill's Transit. So what did it have on its rear? One
side said "Oh No!" the other "Oh Yes". Only thing, was the "Oh Yes" was
on the right side. I think Sluggo must have been driving the bus.
**************************
From: wisner@abulafia.EBay.Sun.COM (Bill Wisner)
Subject: NOTW
In Atlanta's Fulton County Jail in November, inmates were watching one of
their favorite shows, "America's Most Wanted," when a photo came on the
screen of a man wanted for murder and arson. Several heads turned around to
Jessie Lee Baker, 27, and one inmate said, "Hey, that's you!" Inmates
notified authorities, who called the show's producers to report Baker's
whereabouts and put the inmates names in for the reward.
--
John Dawson, 26, was arrested in South St. Paul, Minnesota, in February
after the failure of his alleged elaborate scheme to have sex.
Police say he broke into a young woman's apartment just before she arrived,
left her a note on the kitchen table, then undressed, put duct tape over his
eyes and handcuffed himself to her bed. In the note were instructions that she
was to go into her bedroom immediately and have sex with him because a man with
a gun had kidnapped him and was waiting to kill yet another person if she
refused.
Instead, she ran to the police, and Dawson, who had left the key to his chains
on the kitchen table, could not free himself before they arrived.
**************************
From: heaphy (Kathleen A. Heaphy)
Subject: Some funnies for Yucks
I found these in the April 1992 issue of "The Working Communicator"
Headlines from the ou've-got-to-see-it-to-believe-it' department:
]From the Salt Lake City Deseret News:
Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting Defendant
]From the Jackson, Mississippi Clarion-Ledger:
Suicides asked to reconsider
]From the Sacramento Bee:
Drug firm ordered to supply women
]From the San Francisco Examiner:
New Autos to Hit 5 Million
]From the Honolulu Pacific Business News:
Office Building Permits Plunge
**************************
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: What's a dollar worth? - check the Big Mac index, says institute
Cologne, May 27 dpa - The U.S. dollar is undervalued against the
D-mark - based on how many "Big Mac" hamburger sandwiches the two
currencies can purchase, said one of Germany's leading institutes.
The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the
popular sandwich by the McDonald's restaurant chain is increasingly
being used by economists around the world as a measure of currencies'
relative purchasing power.
The institute said that currency exchange rates are often
unreliable as an instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same
time, "baskets" of products used to arrive at comparative purchasing
power are complicated to compile.
A simple alternative, now that McDonalds has spread to virtually
every country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs,
the IW said.
"A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11
dollars. If he exchanged the money into D-marks, his 18 marks in
Germany can just barely obtain four Big Macs," the IW said.
Conclusion: based on the Big Mac index, the dollar is undervalued,
the institute said.
Americans can get their best Big Mac buy these days in Moscow,
where one sandwich costs only about 59 cents.
But Russians must "work nearly two days in order to afford this
meaty capitalist achievement - longer than people in any other
country", the IW said.
**************************
From: paul%dblegl.atl.ga.us@mathcs.emory.edu (Paul D. Manno)
Subject: Game Strikes Back!
]From the news services...
Missouri - A man showing off a turkey he thought he had killed was
shot in the leg last week when the wounded bird thrashed around in
his car trunk and triggered his shotgun. "The turkeys are fighting
back." said Sheriff Ron Skiles. And well they might: It turns out
Larry Lands, who was in satisfactory condition in the hospital in
Potosi, and his son, Larry Jr., 16, were hunting a week before the
start of turkey season and will probably be fined, the sheriff said.
**************************
From: [D.RHEE@CSI.compuserve.com]
Subject: Scientist Trading Card source?
Anybody know of an address or phone number to get the Scientist Trading
Cards mentioned below? They sound *WayCool*!
Anyone know if they've started up a Computer Scientist sub-series?
]From an article by Clara Germani in the April 27 Christian Science Monitor:
If baseball trading cards have captured the imaginations of generations of
American youth, helping to build superstardom for heroes of the country's
national pastime, what would happen if someone introduced ... well, scientist
trading cards.
Probably there would be no stampede of kids memorizing the atomic numbers in
the periodic table - instead of earned run averages - to bring U.S. math and
science test scores back into the world's top ranks.
But ... in a promotion aimed not at youth but at the media, to raise the
school's profile in research funding, the Oregon Graduate Institute of Science
and Technology last September issued a series of trading cards featuring faculty
members, explains Bob Applegate, director of public relations at the institute.
"It succeeded beyond our expectations," he says. "Our largest response was
unsolicited, from parents, teachers and kids, 9, 10, 11 and 12." More than 300
requests for the trading card series came from kids, parents and teachers.
The cards are the same size as baseball trading cards, but ... they feature
scientists like Bets Rasmussen, a chemist who studies elephant reproduction and
lists water skiing and scuba diving as hobbies; and Ronald Cole, a windsurfing,
espresso-drinking computer scientist who develops voice-operated computers.
Donovan Cahill, a 13-year-old from Beaverton, Ore., said he read about the
cards in a magazine and ordered them immediately. "I collect baseball cards
... These (science trading cards) are neat because they have lots more
information on them and you can compare them and read about them," says the
Oakland A's fan who wants to be a chemist when he grows up.
**************************
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: You can get a degree in that?
]From the San Francisco Chronicle, page E3, 22 May 1992:
The Center for Media and Public Affairs studied [the Carson show]
from 1989 through this month and found that Leno averaged 9.6
political jokes per night compared with Carson's 6.4.
And Carson monologue scholar Herb Press says, "When Leno's on
every night, the jokes will carry even more weight because
frequency and continuity amplify controversies around particular
personalities or issues." Press, of the University of Florida
Information and Publication services, earned his master's
degree for a 1982 study of Carson's monologues.
**************************
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A Kinder and Gentler MPG
]From the Wall Street Journal (around April 21st, 1992)
"A Restless Loner On a Custom Bike: It's HAL on Wheels"
"This goes against everything I believe in," he [Steve Roberts] says
of the 7-miles-per-gallon vehicle. He adds, though, that "I once
calculated that it gets 1.2 light years per cubic mile of gasoline.
It sounds better that way."
**************************
From: Don Bennett (408)922-2768 [dpb@frame.com]
Subject: Duo use tatoos instead of rings to wed
]From the San Antonio Express-News 4/12/92 -
Kathy Abbott wore an off-white antique lace gown at her wedding
in East Rutherford, N.J. The groom, Tom McLaughlin, wore a red
tank top - all the better to show off arms tattooed with figures of
Old West saloons and American Indians.
They signified the permanence of their marriage - his third, her
fourth - by having their ring fingers tattooed.
"It has more meaning," said McLaughlin, a 37-year-old truck driver.
"You can't loose it."
In any other setting, their wedding Friday would be considered
unusual. But it was more than appropriate at the 13th annual
National Tattoo Convention.
**************************
From: Don Bennett (408)922-2768 [dpb@viking.frame.com]
Subject: Parliament is a den of vipers
]From Deutsche Presse Agentur -
DHAKA, Bangladesh - Women who can charm snakes are
on standby as the Bangladeshi Parliament begins its
summer session.
Eight deadly cobras have been caught in the
sprawling building since last week, when frightened
deputies fled the building following a snake alarm.
Police and firefighters failed to entice the
reptiles from their lairs, and the snake charmers
were called in.
Abul Hussain, who caught three of the cobras, said
more could be lurking in the building.
"It is difficult to say how many snakes are still
holed up in the building, but it seems several
families of cobras moved in during the winter for
hibernation when Parliament was not in session,"
Hussain said.
Some deputies are taking no chances and have hired
their own snake charmers, officials said.
**************************
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Rich Kulawiec)
Subject: Would you want this guy to plan your surgery?
Ring. Ring. Ring.
"Cardiothoracic Imaging, Rick speaking."
"Hi. This is Doctor [X], over at CHOP." (CHOP=Children's Hospital of Philly)
"Howdy. What can I do for you?"
"I'm logged into my account here, and I want to know how to
run the programs."
"Well, the machines there are exactly the same as the machines here
at HUP, so just do whatever you normally do." (HUP=Hospital of UPenn)
"Yes, but my data's on sequoia."
"Well, sequoia's over here at HUP, and there's no network connection between
HUP and CHOP. You'll need to take it over on tape or optical disc."
"But I just want to load my data from the disk."
"I understand that, but there's no *wire* between the machines."
[Pause]
"Well, couldn't you write a program?"
[The frightening thing is the number of programmers who would try.... --spaf]
**************************
From: Mike O'Brien [obrien@aero.org]
Subject: Valentine's Day
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
Someone sez:
]It's much worse when a horse steps on your foot, you develop a big black
]mark under your big toenail, and then you get to watch it for months
]while it grows out further and further until...
]
]... you get to clip that part off and there's nothing much gross about
]it.
It's much weirder when you've been fast-talked into taking a course in
handling exotic animals, and now they've gotten to the part of the course
where it's time to learn how to saddle a camel, and here you are holding
the bridle when the camel decides it's tired of being over here, it's
time to be over there. So it goes over there. Now, horses have these
short thick necks and camels have these long skinny necks, but you can
pull a horse's head down toward the ground and it will stop every time.
You can pull a camel's head as hard as you like till you're just
hanging on the bridle like a Christmas tree ornament (and a really
ugly one too) and the camel will not move its head down an inch
but will just keep striding along on those improbable legs with
the ball-and-socket knee joints. Except I didn't because the camel
stepped on my foot. Now, this is not what you'd expect. A camel's
foot, due to the fact that it's designed to walk on sand and all like that,
is like a throw pillow with a Buick tied to the top. I was wearing
heavy work boots and I didn't even know what had happened; I just
couldn't move my foot. But my upper body was hanging onto the
bridle and it was moving, oh yes. Just like a really fine slapstick
film I tilted sideways further and further and further, and about
the time the camel finally picked up that foot, it didn't pick
up that foot after all, because the stride of a camel is about
850 miles or so. I was practically horizontal and my arms were
in Topeka before my feet were able to leave San Bernardino.
I never did get that particular camel saddled, that particular time.
That's about when it started to rain.
[And you thought *you* had strange experiences! --spaf]
**************************
From: Mike O'Brien [obrien@aero.org]
Subject: Valentine's Day
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
]]It's much weirder when you've been fast-talked into taking a course in
]]handling exotic animals, and now they've gotten to the part of the course
]]where it's time to learn how to saddle a camel ...
]
]Might we have a little background on that, please? I, for one, am both
]fascinated and surprised to discover that there even *is* such a
]course. Were ostrich rides included as part of the fun?
Ostriches. Don't get me started on ostriches.
The only thing you have to know about an ostrich is that they can only
kick forwards. Most of the time, ostriches are not facing you. They
are facing the other way, and getting smaller. Rapidly. Very rapidly.
You catch ostriches in a pen the same way you catch ostriches in the wild,
which is the same way my uncle used to catch rabbits: by a form of
triangulation. Find two other like-minded people who have not yet
actually been committed, and surround the ostrich. Each time it turns
to get away, one person runs in front of it, and the other two move up
from behind. In theory, one person will eventually get close enough to
grab it.
Now, you can't actually grab these godforsaken featherdusters by the
most convenient handle, which is to say, by the neck. If you do, you'll
instantly kill a very valuable property. They can't take that. No,
you have to grab them around the brisket and drape one arm over the back
to grab the front of the wing on the opposite side. Then you get to hang
on, because while no one older than six can actually RIDE an ostrich,
any full-grown man can be DRAGGED by one, no problem. This man's job is
simple: to slow the ostrich down enough that one of the other two people
can catch up and add his weight to the pile. TWO people CAN stop an
ostrich.
Actually GETTING to this stage has to be seen to be believed. This is
the ONLY time in my life when I have actually jumped at something so fast
and so hard that, missing, I turned a complete forward somersault on the
ground and came up running. Trouble is, I had also lost my glasses, right
where the ostrich chose to do this panicky little two-step, which also
had to be seen to be believed. I collected on my one piece of luck that
day: all two hundred pounds of ostrich missed my glasses. I jammed them
on my face and kept running. And running.
When we eventually got to Stage Two, the ostrich reached a stage of its own.
It sat down. Now, while two people can stop an ostrich, not even all three
can carry one, and this one had its landing gear locked in the "up"
position. The claim was that just lifting up on the ostrich would make it
stand up. No. In fact, to my amazement and by dint of extreme physical
output we lifted that sucker clear of the ground, and that stupid little
chicken-head with the great big eyeballs just kept its legs tucked firmly
up underneath and looked at us, eye to eye. We set it back down.
About five minutes later it stood up on its own. We did too; we didn't have
a lot of choice. After that we were sort of able to walk it around to
where we wanted it.
I went home and scraped off the ostrich dust. I still have a couple of
plumes on my wall. They're looking a little sad now, but not nearly as sad
as I looked that day. The Dance of the Hours in "Fantasia" has never
looked the same to me, after that.
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