Date: 30 Jul 92 17:28:14 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life 8.G
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Stuff Noal Mae McBain sifted out of rec.humor:
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A drunk staggered out of a saloon and bumped into a lampost.
"Pardon me sir", he said and staggered down the street. He
bumped into a mailbox and said "Pardon me madam". Next he
stumbled over a fireplug and said "Pardon me little boy."
At that point he sat on the curb and said "I'm going to wait
here until this crowd passes."
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Stuff Kent Williams sifted out of rec.humor:
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Did you hear that the South is lobbying the Big 3 auto makers
to put the high beam switch back on the floor?
Yea, too many "rednecks" were getting their foot
caught in the steering wheel!!!!!
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Have you heard any good accounting jokes!
What is the definition of an economist? "Someone who loves
the numbers but does not have the personality of an accountant..
Who has more chrisma? Paul Tsongas, an Actuary, or an Accountant
an Actuary!!!!!!!
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G-d comes down to Earth and it turns out he's taking questions. At one point
He is in a room with Gorbachev, Major and Bush.
Gorby asks: "When will the process of democratization be fully realized in my
country?" "Not until 2043, I'm afraid," says G-d, and Gorby breaks into tears.
"I'll never live to see it," he says.
John Major asks: "When will the economy of my country fully recover from the
Thatcher years?" "Not until 2033," says G-d. "I'll never live to see it," says
Major, breaking into tears.
Mr. Bush asks: "When will the Republicans be removed from the White House in
my country?"
And G-d cries.
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In the county of Kent, in south-east England, there is a village called
Ham, and a town called Sandwich ... and yes, the inevitable sign does exist.
At a T-junction, there is a sign which reads:
__________________________
[__Ham________|__Sandwich_ ]
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Q: What do you get when you play a new-age song backwards?
A: A new-age song
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How to read a film
By SimonT
Having as I have, completed a course on Film Appreciation, I feel it's more
than overdue that I share some of my inner knowings with you people, to give
you all the knowledge you need to really appreciate a film. So I've got
together a few film phrases to help you in your film viewing.
Review - A biased analysis of a movie made by people who care about
things like plot, theme and acting; things that have nothing
to do with the enjoyment of the movie; things like the number
of car crashes or bad guys getting their just desserts.
Plot - A very important film item, which is extremely small in
it's physical size, which is why people can sometimes not
see it. (I.e. In Reviews: "The plot was conspicuous by
it's absence) In actual fact, the plot is a tiny peice
of orange plasticine that usually sits in the corner of a
scene. Goes down real big with reviewers
Dubbing - This is a film where someone has rerecorded all the speaking
parts because it's in a foreign language or because the actor
spits when he speaks. The unfortunate thing about dubbing is
that the people who do it quite frequently don't know the
original language and spend a lot of time guessing what is
going on. I.e:
Dubber 1: What do you think they're doing now?
Dubber 2: Um, looks like they're cleaning the curtain
Dubber 1: Ok, lets run with it.
"I HAVE COME TO CLEAN YOUR SHOWER CURTAINS"
Dubber 2: "WHY THANK YOU NORMAN, BUT DO YOU THINK YOU
COULD WAIT UNTIL AFTER MY SHOWER?"
Subtitle - Dubbing written on the bottom of the screen, usually placed
over something important on the picture
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My uncle (retired Air Force colonel) recently flew with our national airline.
Our air force spends a lot of money to educate pilots, only to see them defect
to private airlines, so there's some friction between the air force people and
those particular pilots.
Anyway, as my uncle boarded the plane he recognised the pilot. In a not too
subdued voice he said "Oh, yes, I remember him; we threw him out of the airforce
years ago". Later, as the plane was about to take of, a stewardess came up to my
uncle (sitting forwards in plane) and said in the loud voice "the pilot said to
ask you to move back, we're having trouble getting the plane off the ground"
(my uncle being somewhat solid).
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Stuff Jim Davidson sifted out of rec.humor:
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[This brings to mind a line in a Tony Hillerman novel:
When Abe Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the slaves, he forgot to include graduate students. Ed. ]
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Two drunks were sitting in a bar talking. One of them
said, "Light travels from the sun to the earth at 186,000
miles per second. That's really fast."
The second responded, "I'm not surprised. It's downhill
all the way."
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A real quote:
"No, but they gave one to me anyway." -- LA Lakers rookie Elden Campbell
when asked if he earned a degree at Clemson University
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Hindsight is the only exact science
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A usual sunday prayer in a church in England. when the priest
collects the charities from the crowd, he suddenly notices
3 pennies among the one and five pound bills. the priest grins cheekily
and says: "I see that there is a scottish person with us today.."
some person in one of the seats at the back unwillingly stands up and says:
"your honour, there are 3 of us..."
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As an extremely talkative child, I never realized how exhausting
my constant chatter must have been for my family until one day
at the dentist's office. The dentist informed my mother that,
for a 12-year-old, I seemed to have very small teeth.
My harried mother replied, "Wind erosion."
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an englishman, an irishman and a scotsman in a train compartment.
when the train stops, the englishman leaves with dignity without
looking behind. the irishman look back to check if he forgot
something behind. the scotsman looks back to check if someone else
forgot something.
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All extremists should be taken out and shot.
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The world is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think.
- Horace Walpole
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Two elephants, Harry and Fay
Could not kiss with their trunks in the way
So they boarded a plane, *
They're now kissing in Maine, *
'Cause their trunks got sent to LA.
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Hullo gang,
My wife is an elementary school music specialist and she pointed this
li'l gem out to me (reprinted without permission from "The CTA Reporter):
THE LESSON
Then Jesus took His disciples up the mountain and gathered them around Him.
He taught them saying:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that mourn. Blessed are they who thirst
after righteousness. Blessed are they who are persecuted. Blessed are they who
suffer. Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven. Remember what
I am telling you."
Then Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And Andrew said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And James said, "Will we be tested on it?"
And Bartholomew said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn this."
And the other disciples likewise.
Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan,
and inquired of Jesus His terminal objectives in the cognitive domain.
And Jesus wept.
By the way, CTA means "Classroom Teacher's Association".
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Stuff Cheryl Pence sifted out of rec.humor:
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"In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific
research to finding a cure for jerks."
-- Calvin
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One liners:
Bore: Somebody who is going places; and the sooner the better.
Between the pigeons and the politicians it's hard to keep the courthouse
clean.
Getting along with your relatives increases in direct proportion with the
distance you stay away from them.
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Well some of the slogans (marketing themes) used by some of the
companies can be made to look very stupid (and funny) when you add a
line of your own.
For e.g
FORD: Quality is Job #1
-- and sending recall letters is job #2
More to follow?
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]In the Physics lab here there is piece of apparatus that has a small
]warning message; "Radiation produced when energized - do not place any part
] of the body in front of the emitter."
]Not stupid in itself, but the sign is positioned such that you have to
]put your head in front of the emitter to read it!
A buddy of mine works in the Physics lab here at school and says
there is a warning that says:
"Do not look into the laser with your one remaining eye."
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Comedian James Gregory does a whole routine on this in country-bumkin mode.
One of my favorites is above doors on airplanes saying:
"Do not open while plane is in flight". This probably means that sometime,
somewhere, some guy turned to his wife after dinner and says "Honey, I
think I just take a little stroll outside".
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3:30 am (approximately, I went directly back to sleep..)
]ring-ring[
Me: Hello?
Voice (female voice, and I know who it is.. I think..): Hi!!
Me: Uh, hello?
Voice: You, don't know who this is, do you? Go on guess..
(I'm groggy as hell, and kinda pissed so..)
Me: Cherry?
Voice: No..
Me: Brigette?
Voice: No..
Me: Christine?
Voice: (Beginning to get slightly annoyed..) No.
Me: Patricia, er no, uh, Dieana, err..
Voice: NO.
Me: Well.. Lisa?
[click]
I think I knew who it was, and somebody I didn't really want to talk
to anyway. I also don't feel particularly obliged to defend my responses at this
hour of the morning. I'm cranky in the morning.
Only problem is.. I really thought it WAS Lisa..
Hmmmm...
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What about the guy that designed a turbo-super-duper charger to his
bike that would increase the speed 10 fold in 1.5 secs.
There he was cruising down the highway only 50% above the speed limit
and this cop on another bike starts waving him down. He can't afford
to get caught so he kicks in the super-duper turbo and vanishes 90 miles
down the highway. He turns round and cruise s back again and about whjere
he took off form there are ambulances and flashing lights and all. So
he goes over and there is the cop lying on a stretcher all gravel rashed
and torn.
Whew! says the guy what happened?
And the ambulance man said seems he was chasing this other guy on a
bike and suddenly his bike stopped dead and he got off it to see what
had happened and that's all he can remember.
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MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR 'MAYBEBOL'
ENTROPY:
The amount by which a system differs from its ideal state.
The Second Law of Thermodynamics can be interpreted as saying "Entropy
always increases with time". This means that as soon as a perfect system is
achieved, it starts to deteriorate. This may be understandable in mechanical
systems where moving parts are subject to wear and tear. But, what is not so
evident is the concept of entropy applies to logical, or software systems
also.
It is no secret that 60% to 80% of every programming dollar is spent on
combatting entropy -- that is, maintaining existing systems. If you are
involved with any commercial systems, think of how often programmers have to
code changes upon changes to that "ideal" system. Why is this always the
case? Is there any way to get around this problem?
Let's examine the situation. Many times the people requesting a new
computer system (the users) cannot define their needs precisely. Often they
are not sure what they want or how to deal with certain situations. Many
ambiguous features are left in systems with the idea "We'll deal with that
problem when we get to it".
Programs and programming languages require exact and unambiguous
definitions to function effectively: solving an unknown or ambiguous problem
is next to impossible with todays programming languages.
As I see it, there are two possible solutions to this problem :
Solution #1: Carefully and objectively resolve the system design to
achieve an exact problem definition.
Response: Who are you kidding? Face it, people have been trying to
do this since day one and no one has succeeded yet. Every time they get
close, entropy sets in.
Solution #2: Change the programming langauage.
Why not? We're trying to use rigidly defined programming langauages
structured along exact lines to provide predictable and consistant results.
This obviously does not reflect real-life applications at all. To handle
modern complex situations, a more flexable langauage is needed -- a langauage
with the ability to procrastinate and deliver the silicon equivalent of a
shrug.
After much research, deep thought and trial and error, I have come up
with the outline of an innovative programming language which I call the
Multiply Analytic Yet Basically Evasive Bull... Oriented Language, or
M.A.Y.B.E.B.O.L.
The following are some of M.A.Y.B.E.B.O.L.'s more attractive features...
1) IF ... THEN ... MAYBE:
An eloquent concrete admission of indecision. This statement is
the heart and soul of MAYBEBOL.
2) DO SOMETHING:
When those un-foreseen situations occur; the user is on sabbatical
in Africa and the project is due tomorrow, the DO SOMETHING statement
just might help you hit the deadline.
Example: IF ADD-CHG-DEL-CODE = "PIZZA" THEN DO SOMETHING.
Ideally, no one should have any idea just what might be done.
(Some more adventurous souls may wish to set up a pool and bet on the
outcome).
3) GO SOMEWHERE:
Where? I don't know, do you?
4) ON ERROR conditions:
The ON ERROR statement has two possible formats:
1) ON ERROR GENERATE EXCUSE:
Everyone knows excuses are more important than results.
2) ON ERROR FORGET ABOUT IT:
Self explanatory.
In each of the ON ERROR conditions, control will be returned to the main
program by means of the GO SOMEWHERE statement.
5) GENERATE X REPORTS:
X is an integer from 1 to 32. Users always demand reports. They
take these reports and place them carefully in multicolored binders. These
binders are then stacked on a shelf, giving the users a place to store their
dust collections. Since no one ever looks at these reports, a great deal of
time and effort can be saved by generating them randomly.
6) COIN:
A bulit-in subroutine. COIN will return a character value of
"HEADS" or "TAILS". This can be very useful when making decisions.
7) GUESS:
The programmer doesn't know what to do, the user doesn't know what
to do, nobody knows what to do, so why not?
8) PRETEND:
As in "IF BAD-DATA THEN PRETEND".
9) SEARCH (table-name):
The SEARCH statement will consecutively search a table in memory.
Note that it is illegal to supply what to search for. If somehow a match is
found, set the ERROR condition (see ON ERROR).
10) LOOP FOREVER:
A great time saver for the programmer. Instead of having to
subconsciously invent subtle and hard-to-find infinite loops, he may now
declare them explicitly.
11) DIVIDE x BY ZERO:
Same concept as LOOP FOREVER.
The above statement and philosophy will be the basis for MAYBEBOL. As
time permits, I will attempt to complete the language design. This task
should be much easier to accomplish than it may appear. When done it will be
available to all.
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