Date: 17 Aug 92 17:07:30 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 8.J
----------------------------------------------------
The following are from Spaf's Yucks Digests:
spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
**************************
From: rutgers!iqsc.com!rex (Rex Black)
Subject: bad puns, anyone...
From the risks digest....
] Date: 14 Jun 92 06:57:14 EDT
] From: "Richard Frantz Jr." [72570.2264@compuserve.com]
] Subject: Computer system refuses large deposit
]
] A branch bank officer told me that they had to refuse to accept
] deposit of a check for $200,000 because the software, used by several
] banks in the area, couldn't handle more than $99,999.99 in the deposit
] field. She insisted it was a computer error even though I tried to
] explain it was a specification error.
] Richard Frantz Jr.
Well, I think Richard should have just made _two_ $99,999.99
deposits, _then_ he could have put his TWO CENTS in!
Aaauuuggghhh!!!
Rex
P.S. In any civilized state, such jokes are a felony. Thank
the Lord I live in Texas!
**************************
From: vtcs1::janlee
Subject: Thought for the Day
"No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately
one billion Chinese couldn't care less."
**************************
From: rutgers!iqsc.com!rex (Rex Black)
Boy, I thought California was the land of regulation-crazed politicos
and let's-pass-a-law lunies. Not to be outdone in this category,
Massachussetts legislature is debating a law to license and regulate
PR practicioners in the Bay State. Now, no one can argue that spin
doctors aren't a danger to the public health and welfare, but are
the people who brought you Boston Harbor really the folks to clean
up Massachussetts advertising?
**************************
From: ddgarcia@sprite.Berkeley.EDU (Daniel D. Garcia)
The following was sent out to all CS grad students in a posting
regarding available instructional videos we could check out...
*** included file begin ***
From: crystal@hera.berkeley.edu (Crystal Williams)
To: csdivfac@hera.Berkeley.EDU, csdivgrads@hera.Berkeley.EDU
THE MACHINE THAT CHANGED THE WORLD SERIES, 1992
THE WGBH COLLECTION: FILMS FOR THE HUMANITIES & SCIENCES
Giant Brains, Inventing the Future, The Paperback Computer,
The Thinking Machine, The World at Your Fingertips
length: 58 minutes each
*** included file end ***
I don't think that sentence is as associative as she thinks, i.e.
(...changed the world) series
...changed the (world series)
Perhaps the Cubs can find some use for this machine?
**************************
Date: Tue, 14 Apr 92 00:03:34 PDT
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Drug-sniffing dogs star on cards
To: yucks-request
By Philip J. LaVelle
Copley News Service
SAN DIEGO There's a new breed of San Diego All-Stars on the
national trading-card scene, and we're not talking Benito Santiago
in fact, we're talking about a bunch of dogs.
Real ones.
With names like Snag, Sinbad and Simon, these furry quadrupeds are
the first-stringers in the U.S. Customs Service's war on drugs. From
San Diego to Miami, these sharp-nosed pooches have sniffed out a
combined $12 billion in hidden narcotics booty.
And starting this month, their smiling dog faces began showing up
nationwide on trading cards stuffed into Milk-Bone Dog Biscuit boxes.
It's all part of a cooperative venture between the doggie treat maker
and the Customs Service.
"We figure it's great exposure for both Milk-Bone and for the U.S.
Customs drug dogs," said Ann Smith, spokeswoman for Nabisco Foods
Group, parent of Milk-Bone.
"This is something Nabisco feels strongly about. They believe in
the message that they give to the children," Smith said from
corporate headquarters in Parsippany, N.J.
The message: a simple Just Say No-style moral, is delivered in a
kind of Lassie vs. the Cartel Lords plot.
The front of the cards features a photo of the happy-faced, furry
cops.
On the back: The dog's seizure stats, a number kids can call to
snare suspected smugglers (800-BE-ALERT), and the exhortation to
"STOP DRUG SMUGGLING!"
Customs began using about a half-dozen dogs in the early 1970s. Now
there are more than 300 dogs in the service many of them rescued
from the pound.
"We pull 'em off of Death Row and give them a shot," Customs
Service spokesman Steve Duchesne said from Washington, D.C.
"Many of these are dogs that people don't want any more. However,
they're basically intelligent animals that have incredibly keen
senses."
Duchesne said the dogs go through a 12-week training program. The
graduates are "highly trained, effective officers," he said. Those
that flunk are put into private homes, and not returned to the pound.
Of 24 dogs featured nationally, seven are from the San Diego
County-Imperial County region.
Snag, a 4-year-old Labrador retriever based in San Diego, wagged
his tail into history on Oct. 4, 1990, when he sniffed out 8,705
pounds of Colombian cocaine hidden in a propane gas tanker stopped at
the Otay Mesa border crossing.
That load worth nearly $784 million was the largest border
seizure in U.S. history.
Other San Diego star dogs include Sinbad (Labrador retriever mix,
$38.9 million in career seizures); Blow (Labrador mix, $17.3 million);
Simon (golden retriever, $82.5 million); Tia (Labrador, $48.1
million); Tom (Labrador, $40.3 million); and Benny (golden retriever,
$20 million).
The trading card program began 18 months ago in Dallas, where
Customs dog trainers took their charges on the road to local schools
for "demonstration" visits. The visits ended with trainers handing
out doggie trading cards to students.
Demand for the cards soon outstripped supply.
Rather than end up in the doghouse of defeat, the feds began
looking for corporate sponsors for their trading cards, and found a
partner in Milk-Bone. Duchesne said Milk-Bone was the only dog food
manufacturer to take up the service's call for help.
**************************
From: smith@canon.co.uk (Mark Smith)
Subject: No rights in England
phil@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu (Phil Howard KA9WGN) writes:
] So what is the advice to those who would travel to London?
Wait six months and go to EuroDisneyland instead. I understand that
La Rue Main will actually be considered American soil and therefore
you will be free to enjoy your vacation armed to the teeth. In fact,
EuroDisneyland will be exactly like "old" Europe, but much better run.
Consider just a few differences:
feature Europe EuroDisneyland
----------
castles old, run-down new, very clean
museums boring, musty lots of holograms and lasers
toilets dire, holes in the floor spotless, gleaming
food greasy, smells funny have it your way
locals difficult, foreign fresh-faced, eager to please
guides tempermental, hard to understand michel mouse!
language weird, like in WW2 films universal dudes
----------
There's just no contest. Book now and avoid the rush.
disney uber alles
**************************
From: jonesr2@rpi.edu
Subject: Quotes from a true Noble man.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
A collection of quotes from Professor Ralph Noble, a professor of psychology
here at RPI. Specifically, these were taken from his Psychology of Motivation
class, Fall semester 1991.
---
"They've got drive-by shootings in Philadelphia now. Where they park to
reload, I don't know."
"If I could go through the dorms and shoot people, exam pressures would be put
into perspective."
"As you approach 4.0, study time approaches infinity."
"In the spirit of today, when I'm handing out the exams, we're going to further
examine the totally suffering individual."
"The only sense I can make out of having kids is it's a good way to become a
grandparent."
"Look at this [dollar bill], for those of you who haven't seen [one] before."
"If money stopped buying things, I'd lose interest in it."
"I've been in the academic world a long time...I can sleep with my eyes open,
which is an important skill for those of you considering jobs in middle and
upper management."
"She's human...well, she's a lawyer, but reasonably human."
"We're going to assume a few things about reality. One, it exists. That's not
a necessary assumption, but I find it comforting."
"There are a lot of reasons to skydive. It does take your mind off your
problems."
"There was some brilliant work done with rats, which makes it scientific."
"There are two universes: for males, and for females."
"In the US, males are a minority and should be treated and protected as such."
"Most divorces are just a four-year-long date with a little bookkeeping."
"Let's assume the semester's over, so dying is a bad thing."
"A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to
make a living."
"There's a large amount of evidence saying that the man's point of view is
largely irrelevant."
"Sean Connery is the sexiest man alive? Was I on the list?"
"You watch a talk show recently? They're doing one next month on a normal,
happy heterosexual couple, assuming they can find one."
**************************
From: landman%xpoint@uunet.UU.NET (Howard Landman)
Subject: Gibson's Agrippa
To: eniac
I just saw a description of William Gibson's latest work, Agrippa, which is
billed as a "read-once" novel. It comes on a floppy disk, encrypted, and the
decryption program erases the text after it has been displayed on the screen.
(Presumably there must be some sort of copy-protection as well?)
It is packaged with a set of etchings which, if I understood correctly, are
printed in a light-sensitive manner so that they decay with exposure to light.
In short, the whole work is designed as far as possible to be usable once or
a few times and then self-destruct. It comes in two versions: the "cheap"
version is $450 and the "fancy" version (comes with metal box) is $1500.
I think I'll wait until I can get it at a used book store. :-)
**************************
From: Joel B Levin [levin@BBN.COM]
Subject: People with disabilities (mental division)
NPR did a story yesterday about how people with mental disabilities of
various sorts are being rehabilitated at Lotus. They brought
manufacturing of software packages in house and staffed it, with the
help of the Greater Boston Rehabilitation Services, with people with,
among other things, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and severe
learning disabilities (those with severe mental illness were
recovering). It sounded like a good program, helping a lot of people
who previously couldn't work or who lost their jobs because of illness
get back on their feet.
They did quote the woman from GBRS as saying that one of her jobs was
to make sure people with compatible problems worked together.
It's not a good idea to place a person who hears voices next to a
person who mumbles.
[Lily Tomlin suggested some years ago that NY City ought to pair up all
the street people who mumbled to themselves so they'd look like they
were having conversations.... --spaf]
**************************
From: Christopher [CHWALKER@ucs.indiana.edu]
Subject: second-hand news
I'm cataloging an incompluete run (on microfilm, ugh) of
the Charleston, S.C. CITY GAZETTE for 1787-1797, and just
noticed that they've passed on to subscribers a notice they
found in the London papers that the Scots have passed an
ordinance forbidding clergymen to wear wigs, on the grounds
that the persons from who the hair came might be in Hell.
**************************
From: rose@wagner.cbs.umn.edu (Rozalie Enriquez)
Subject: A desperate situation
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Hello Everyone,
I have this problem, and I was wondering if someone out there could
help me...
2 weeks ago I met a great guy with whom I was instantly enamored.
1 week ago we moved in together, absolutely sure that this
relationship was the real thing. Since then, however, I've
noticed some subtle but strange habits that he has. For instance,
every night at 9 he puts 5 Billy Idol CDs into the disc changer,
cranks the volume and sets it on random play. Then for the next
2 hours he terrorizes my pet Iguana Clyde, chasing him around
with a wooden baseball bat between his legs, screaming:
"TASTES GREAT!!!! LESS FILLING!!!!"
Now, call me old fashioned, but I believe it is detrimental for a
young, energetic iguana to be forced to develop a conditioned
fear of Billy Idol. Obvoiusly this situation is creating some
strain on our relationship as my favorite baseball bat is getting
pretty nicked up on the furniture.
I'm still absolutely crazy about him, and need your advice:
Do you think buying an alumnium baseball bat would solve the
problem and strengthen our relationship?
signed, owner of a frightened lizard.
**************************
From: rad
Subject: i have to share this....
...this is what happens when a junior co-author learns
how to be a wiseguy from the senior co-author....
jeff offutt and i are finishing the last revision of
a paper after suffering through a series of particularly
petulant and incompetent reviews from one of the referees...
...in the acknowledgements jeff says "We would like to thank the
referees for significantly contributing to the quality of this
paper, particularly referee #1 for clearly expressing many
inaccuracies and misunderstandings..."
**************************
From: artk@Congruent.COM (Arthur Kreitman)
Subject: Lines of working code
Newsgroups: misc.jobs.misc
](Lee Whitney) writes:
] 1. There are no older people in software development.
]
] Where do programmers go when they turn 35? When I was introduced to
] the teams for some major products on the market, the average age
] seemed to be less than 30. Beyond that, there seemed to few 'older'
] people at most other positions in the companies too. I am somewhat
] concerned that after 10 years in this industry I will magically
] disappear.
It has to do with the number of lines of code you're born with. Everyone
is born with a certain number of working lines of code. After you write that
last one, you can NEVER write another line of code that works. Some are
born with more, some with less. But the number is fixed at birth. You can't
buy, steal, or borrow any. By 35 or so, most people have run out of working
lines of code.
**************************
From: mark [mtorpey@bigmax.ulowell.edu]
Subject: yucks submission...
You may not believe the following story (which is true), but I think you
will all get a kick out of it anyways...
Two of my aunts were driving up here from West Virginia this past weekend
to visit my family... Anyways, they got lost somewheres in New Jersey so
they stopped for directions. They pulled into a McDonalds, and happened
to notice a big "Welcome to Gotham City" banner on the wall (you know
-- as an advertisment for the Batman movies..)
Well, I guess you can all imagine what happens next. Ok. One of my
aunts ask's the cashier girl for directions back to the interstate (or
something like that) and mentioned that they know they are in "Gotham
City" but cannot find it on the map. (Sounds kindof hard to believe, huh)
The girl at the register starts cracking up, along with everyone that
had overheard my aunt talking. She got a bit ticked off, and asked to
see the manager (she still thinks she is in Gotham). The manager comes
out and listens to my aunts story. He breaks a smile, and decides to
play along (my kindof guy).
So he tells my aunt that "well, you could take I98, but a truck carrying
kryptonite just fell over, and it was causing a curiosity gridlock."
By this time, I'm told everyone in McDonalds was rolling around on the floor
trying to stop from laughing their drinks out of their noses. So anyways
my aunts finally realized that they were not in Gotham city, and the manager
gave them directions back onto the highway.
A couple hours later, they were getting tired and it was getting late so
they decided to stop in at a hotel, so they pulled into a Hotel 6. Next
my aunt starts thinking about some radio announcer's offer that if you
mention his name and the radio station (something like "Bob from WLkP send
me"), you will get a $20 discount for the room at any Hotel 8.. They go
into the hotel and request the rooms and told the person at the desk
that "Bob soandso send me from WlKP. Do we get $20 off our rooms?"
The person at the desk told them "Why yes, you would get a $20 discount
had you gone to a Hotel 8. However this is a Hotel 6!"
[Well, he did say they were from West Virginia.... --spaf]
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