Date: 17 Sep 92 13:08:34 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life 8.N
----------------------------------------------------
From Curt Fey
Do you know why they bury farmers only 6 inches deep?
Answer: So that they still can get a handout.
Do you know why they bury lawers 50 feet deep?
Answer: Deep down they are really nice guys.
----------------------------------------------------
From comp.sys.ibm.pc.games:
garygm@leland.stanford.edu Gary Brainin
|"...the right to be let alone-the most comprehensive of rights and the right |
|most valued by civilized men." Olmstead v. U.S. (Brandeis, J., dissenting)|
**************************
From: rdippold@cancun.qualcomm.com (Ron Dippold)
The government has just completed work on a faulty missile; nicknamed "Civil
Servant", it won't work and they can't fire it.
----------------------------------------------------
Sifted from rec.humor:
**************************
I never thought the mails were that slow until I got a postcard
from Cairo, and there were only two pyramids in the picture.
**************************
From: che238n@vaxc.cc.monash.edu.au
Subject: DEEPER thought
The Law of Inverse Visibility
The immediate visibility of an object is inversely proportional
to the importance of finding it.
**************************
From: markw@cltr.uq.oz.au (Mark White)
Subject: Re: NEEDED: C to Cobol converter
]Hey,
] I am in dire need of a C to Cobol converter. Please HELP!!!
Hey, now that IS funny........ :)
**************************
From: andy@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu (Andrew Hackard)
Subject: FUNSIES: Antonymous Collectives
Many people have in the past posted lists of collective nouns, both real
and fake, appropriate and humorous. I'd like to try something different
-- a list of the LEAST appropriate (but, ideally, still humorous) collective
nouns.
A quick primer: Collective nouns are nouns used to describe groups of
objects, e.g. a school of fish, a pod of whales, a flock of geese. The
terminology sometimes ranges to the odd end of the spectrum, and this
has led multiple people to invent new collective nouns, from the
automotive (a ring of Saturns) to the mathematical (a group of abstract
algebras) to the silly (a school of marms).
Examples of what I'm shooting for here:
-- a battalion of pacifists
-- a congregation of atheists
-- a steady stream of cataracts
**************************
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
-- Mark Twain
**************************
From: syspb@smartstar.com (Paul)
Subject: Knock Knock
Knock knock
Who's there?
Catch
Catch who?
Gesundheit
Knock knock
Who's there
Tank
Tank who?
You're welcome
Knock knock
Who's there?
Joe
Joe who?
Joe Mama
Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Who's there
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Who's there
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff Sarah Elkins sorted out of rec.humor:
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From: dlf@aber.ac.uk (David Fenerty)
This is supposed to have happened in the election before last:
a Conservative candidate was doing a door-to-door canvass to get votes
since the date for the general election had been announced and it was
campaign time.
At one house, he noticed that the man who answered the door was wearing
a very smart suit.
"Are you a businessman, sir?" asked the politician.
"Yes" replied the man.
"Well, under a Conservative government, your business will prosper" declared
the politician, "what line of business are you in?"
"I'm an undertaker" replied the man.
Apologies in advance if, in truth, this is stolen from a film or something.
Dave the Scouser.
**************************
From: nsf@hpuerca.atl.hp.com (Neil Ferguson)
Subject: Re: License Plate List Update (May 4)
Some I saw in California:
YTINASN (Read it backwards)
NYUK 3X (Three Stooges, "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.")
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From: fer@cernvax.cern.ch (Ferry de Jong)
"An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys"
"VMS is a text-only adventure game. If you win you can use unix."
-- Bill Davidsen
"Our computers don't run on electricity but on magic smoke,
when the smoke leaves the computer, it stops working."
"The reason that God was able to create the world in seven days is that
he didn't have to worry about the existing configuration"
-- Enzo Torresi
"If we can't fix it, it isn't broken."
-- a lab manager
"It is not possible to both understand and appreciate Intel CPUs."
-- D. Wolfskill
"Don't you just hate rhetorical questions?"
-- Charlie Gibbs
"It's just a matter of time before we're late."
-- Michael Walsh
**************************
jsavage@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu
"Their superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons"
-- Aliens taking over the world on The Simpsons
**************************
] + * "Suspense is not knowing what you're up ~
] + Randy Wong * against and not knowing what you can do ~
] + apple!fico!rbw@fico.uucp * do about it; Terror is knowing what ~
] + c/o Fair, Isaac and Company * you're up against and not knowing what ~
] + 120 North Redwood Drive * you can do about it; Horror is knowing ~
] + San Rafael, CA 94903-1996 * what you're up against and knowing you ~
] + * can't do anything about it." - Me ~
**************************
From: rice@bullet.ecf.toronto.edu (RICE GEORGE MATTHEW)
Subject: Re: Running Jokes Request
Ok this family of tomatoes go for a jog early one saturday morning.
Now they're all enjoying themselves and keeping pace except for Billy.
He's a lazy slob who keeps falling behind the pack.
After numerous urgings from his father, the rest of the family can't
take anymore of his slowness.
So Billy's father jogs back to him and [bang your fist against the table]
says 'Catch up!!'
**************************
Gary Heston SCI Systems, Inc. gary@sci34hub.sci.com site admin
The Chariman of the Board and the CFO speak for SCI. I'm neither.
"Always remember, that someone, somewhere, is making a product that will
make your product obselete." Georges Doriot, founder of American R & D.
**************************
[ Stolen from _InfoWorld_, Robert X. Cringely's column ]
Announced today was a new operating system for the PC.
It is called "DOS/Perot". When you boot it, it displays
a message on the screen saying it's thinking of running.
It then scans the hard drive, looking for competing OS's.
If any competing OS's are found, it quits immediately.
**************************
My sister told me about this one, I don't know the source:
A bunch of viruses have been spreading lately, here's the latest rundown:
The Clinton Virus: plays sax music late at night
The Gore Virus: complains about the music
The Bush Virus: has been quite active in foreign countries, but hasn't
appeared domestically
The Quayle Virous: infectcts dictionary files
Recently a lot of users got excited about the rumors of a Perot AntiVirus, but it turns out it was just a demo and isn't planned for actual release.
**************************
From: stud7b43@bmerh72.bnr.ca (Steve Keppel-Jones)
Subject: Re: Net Malapropisms
I'm uphauled! This display of ignorance is just the kind of thing that
anyone with a social conscious is ashamed of. Education today is clearly
willfully inadequate, and has been since time in memorial. People are
always ready to blame things on an escaped goat, but for all intensive
purposes, it's a doggy-dog world. Complaints about the school system are
all for not. And the problem seems to be increasing expidentially!
These are the sort of people that could start a new, clear war, and you
can just forget about a seize-fire then. Some may say that the decline
of education is just an old wise tale, but they're too one-track mined.
If you don't believe me, look at the warning on an AutoShade someday.
It says that the shade must be removed before driving the car. Supposably
people can't figure this out for themselves! Maybe the warning is just
for those with a stigmatism. Or maybe it's to protect the manufacturer from
the statue of limitations.
The under-line meaning of all this is clear, but don't take a fence: this is
just my too cents worth. Anyway, it's a mute point.
----------------------------------------------------
Michael Rutkaus' siftings from rec.humor
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Overheard at the Barcelona Olympics...
Q- Are you a pole-vaulter?
A- No I'm a German, but how did you know my first name?
**************************
Oxymorons:
Here in Canada one of our favorites is "American Intellegence"
Hmmm? Oh, I get it! Hey, that's not nice! Well, here in
America we always get uncontrollable giggles from
"Canadian Money."
**************************
My late grandmother once asked my father whether he'd had the "sock
observers" checked in his car.
**************************
Dept of Physics, Michigan Technological University:
With your one remaining eye, please do NOT look back into the laser
**************************
According to an AP story in the Midland Reporter-Telegram Thursday,
some new bilingual signs were installed near the customs area in an
airport in New Mexico. `Violators will be fined' was written in
Spanish as `Violadores seran finados', which unfortunately can come
across as `Rapists will be deceased'!
**************************
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalogue in the plastic surgeon's office.
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What does a Danish pig say?
NORSK, NORSK.
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668: the neighbor of the beast
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Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
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Names of Bands
Mean Root and the Standard
Deviations
Koh-I-Noor and the Rapidographs (one of them was an Industrial Designer)
**************************
REEEEALLY Deep Thoughts
by
Steven W. Handey
I think it would be a lot of fun to go around throwing spot remover
on dogs and seeing them disappear. Yes, I think that would be really
funny.
If I ever get a chance to go to Mars, I'll send you a postcard with
a picture of the entire planet Earth. On the back it would way,
"Wish you were here."
Wouldn't it be wonderful to have a house on a one-way dead-end road.
That way, no one could come visit and if they did they couldn't leave...
I thought it would be funny to hook up the accelerator pedal in my car
to my brake lights. Then, when I hit the gas, people behind me stop.
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't
included. I don't think I'll go back there again.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile
for a satellite picture.
**************************
TIPPING
On a vending machine in this building:
DO NOT TIP THIS MACHINE
Personally, I don't always tip waiters; I _never_ tip vending machines.
**************************
These three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their
truck, they see it's surrounded by three bears:
"OK guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to really piss
these bears off. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So, Ed, you
take the one on the left, the little cub with the broken leg, and
I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a
hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silvertip
mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big teeth, and
froth around the mouth"
"Hey, man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster pissed off,
and you guys get the cubs ? That's not fair!"
"Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross." [badump-bump]
----------------------------------------------------
Sifted by:
glenn@curie.ces.cwru.edu (Glenn Crocker)
**************************
From: jennyb@triton.unm.edu (Jenny Ballmann)
In Bernalillo, NM, there is a sign for the local police organization:
+----------------------+
| Sandoval County --] |
| Sheriff's Posse |
+----------------------+
And for a long time, there was one mounted beside it:
+----------------------+
| Pigs for Sale --] |
+----------------------+
**************************
From: ops@vax.oxford.ac.uk
ONIONS AND THE THEORY OF LIFE
It is a little known fact that onions are the only Earth lifeform designed
for both survival in space and for re-entry. The roots splay out from a
central point, providing a very firm attachment for a lump of clay to act as a
heat shield during re-entry (NASA have obviously overlooked this method of
attachment for the tiles on the Space shuttle, and have had great difficulties
as a result). The main body is a multi-layer structure, well adapted for
survival in space. As the water evaporates from the outer layers, they shrink,
forming a vapour-resistent seal over the inner layers. This also helps to
protect the inner layers during re-entry. The stem, of course, provides
guidance and orientation during the commencement of re-entry It is because this
is so little known that few people realise that life on Earth is, in fact,
descended from onions.
This is also why, in spite of the numerous meteortrails to be seen every
night, few people ever find a metoerite. They are looking for the Wrong thing.
If you should happen to find a slightly charred onion on your roof, treat
it with respect. It is probably a visitor from another planet.
**************************
From: Kenneth B. Phelps
Software Engineering Glossary of Product Terminology
-- or --
The world of computer terms as seen from
a Marketing point of view
ALL NEW .................... The software is not compatible with previous versions
ADVANCED DESIGN ............ Upper management doesn't understand it
BREAKTHROUGH ............... It nearly booted on the first try
NEW ........................ Different colours from previous version
DESIGN SIMPLICITY .......... Developed on a shoe string budget
EXCLUSIVE .................. We're the only ones who have the documentation
FIELD TESTED ............... Manufacturing doesn't have a test system
FOOLPROOF OPERATION ........ All parameters are hard coded
FUTURISTIC ................. It will only run on the next generation super-computer
HIGH ACCURACY .............. All the directories compare
IT'S HERE AT LAST .......... We've released a 26 week project in 48 weeks
MAINTENANCE FREE ........... Impossible to fix
MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS .... It compiles without errors
PERFORMANCE PROVEN ......... Works through Beta Test
REVOLUTIONARY .............. Disk drives go round and round
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED .... We'll send you another copy if it fails
STOCK ITEM ................. We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably
UNMATCHED .................. Almost as good as the competition
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE .. Nothing ever ran this slow before
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT ....... We finally got one to work
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