Date: 21 Sep 92 17:13:15 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 8.O
----------------------------------------------------
The following is selections from a joke mailing list run by:
gunter@tartarus.uwa.edu.au (Gunter Ahrendt)
**************************
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign
that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to
herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
**************************
Some more blond jokes:
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who
hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
**************************
Steve Wrights?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the
roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They
lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and
took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence,
they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each
other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did
you think?"
**************************
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so that you can vacuum.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask
for directions.
**************************
Submitted by: Doug Dickey [AABNK1%ASUACAD.BITNET@OHSTVMA.ACS.OHIO-STATE.EDU]
Subject: Physical Laws.
For all you physicists--What happens when a body is immersed in warm
water?
The phone rings.
**************************
One says: "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was
going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what
time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
The other guy is impressed: "Wow, that's incredible. How did he know all of
that ?"
"Oh" sighed the first, "a judge told him."
**************************
Engineering students are baffled by the fact that often the girls with
the most streamlined shape offer the most resistance.
**************************
If Satan ever loses his hair, there will be hell toupee.
What if... there were no hypothetical situations?
**************************
A friend of mine, while waiting for his airplane, saw a pilot walk by carrying
his bag. On a sticker on the bag, in large letters, was the word "CAUTION."
Leaning closer, my friend read, "To make the little houses get smaller, pull
back on the stick."
**************************
"Not to be or to be, that the question is"
Yoda and Shakespeare
**************************
A notice in an Australian police station:
"Help the Police -- Beat yourself up."
When will the the Australian police force become sucessful?
When it catches more criminals than it employs.
**************************
19 Feet Broken in Pole Vault
-- WICHITA EAGLE-BEACON, Kan. 6/21/81
New Jersey to be moved
-- Johnstown, Pa. TRIBUNE-DEMOCRAT 7/25/81
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
-- Baltimore SUN 6/13/81
The Salt Lake City Track Club's All-Women's 10,000-meter race is
scheduled Saturday at 8 a.m. at Sugarhouse Park. The entry fee is $4 with shirt
or $1 without.
[The Salt Lake Tribune 8/27/81]
Navy Finds Dead Pilots Flying With Hangovers
[The Washington Post 9/18/81]
Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
[Los Angeles Times 8/10/81]
Local Charity Group Helps Disable Man
[The Clayton (Georgia) News Daily 9/14/81]
White House Kills Fund Raiser After Complaints About Tactics
Newsday 3/19/81
SHUTTLE PASSES TEST; A WORKER IS KILLED
The New York Times 3/20/81
Defendant's speech ends in long sentence
Minneapolis Tribune 2/25/81
**************************
I called the census bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a form, and they
said that I was too nondescript to influence the demographics one way or
another.
I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and
dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.
The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English subtitles.
No matter how much the passengers eat, the weight of the plane stays the same.
**************************
Early Table Manners
A Christian and philosopher and educator, Erasmus of Rotterdam, the
greatest classical scholar of the northern Humanist of Renaissance,
determined that manners was the best instilled at an early age.
Here are some samples from the three century best seller, _On
Civility in Children_ (c.1530):
"Turn away when spitting lest your saliva fall on someone. If anything
purulent falls on the ground, it should be trodden upon, lest it
nauseate someone."
"To lick greasy fingers or to wipe them on your coat is impolite. It is
better to use the table cloth or the serviette."
"Some people put their hands in the dishes the moment they have sat
down. Wolves do that."
"You should not offer your handkerchief to anyone unless it has been
freshly washed. Nor is it seemly, after wiping your nose, to spread out
your handkerchief and peer into it as if pearl and rubies might have
fallen out of your head."
"If you cannot swallow a piece of food, turn around discreetly and
throw it somewhere."
"Retain the wind by compressing the belly."
"Do not be afraid of vomiting if you must; for it is not vomiting but
holding the vomit in your throat that is foul."
"Do not move back and forth on your chair. Whoever does that gives
the impression of constantly breaking or trying to break wind."
**************************
For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA
performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments.
**************************
Confusious say:
Secretary who confuse food processor with word processor, mince words.
**************************
* do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool
over their eyes?
* at the last supper, what do you think the waiter said when
asked what the year of the wine was?
* people in glass houses shouldn't take showers.
* how many dogs, that got hit by cars, do you think were
suicides?
**************************
Another anecdote which accurately illustrates the poor state of computer
security is the US case of a computer hacker hauled into court for
accessing a corporate computer. ... His lawyers argued that, when he
contacted the system, the logon screen said "Welcome to XYZ Corporation.
Please log in." As there was no signpost saying "Trespassers will be
prosecuted," the judge ruled that his action was not unlawful. (Computer
Weekly, 21.8.92, p30)
----------------------------------------------------
The following is selections from a joke mailing list run by:
quail!knodel@saqqara.cis.ohio-state.edu (Jeffrey H. Knodel)
**************************
From: MCGARRAH%CITADEL2.BITNET@ncsuvm.cc.ncsu.edu
Subject: If the brain's a computer, what's the operating system?
"I just found out that the brain is like a computer. If that's true, then
there really aren't any stupid people. Just people running DOS."
**************************
From: Vern Chibber [chhibber@andromeda.rutgers.edu]
Subject: Stupid things:
While you are changing a tire on the side of a road, anybody ever pull up
and say: Have a flat?
What are you supposed to say? Naw! I just rotate my tires every 2000 miles
no matter where I am.
**************************
From: Doug Dickey [AABNK1%ASUACAD.BITNET@OHSTVMA.ACS.OHIO-STATE.EDU]
Two hydrogen atoms were walking down the street. One said to the other,
"I lost an electron." The other asked, "Are you sure?" The first
answered, "I'm positive." (Dawn Ansello, Beverly, Mass.)
**************************
Submitted by: str@owlnet.rice.edu (Suzanne Tatin Rupert)
Subject: Blonds of the world retaliate!
Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
**************************
Submitted by: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Author: Jay Leno
Subject: Presidential Campaign
______
Morris the Cat is running for President.
The hard part is figuring out whether he's a Republican
or a Democrat.
He doesn't think of anyone but himself, so he could be
a Republican.
However, he stays out all night, so he could be a Democrat!
**************************
Submitted by: Grady W Chism [gchism@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu]
Subject: Stange but true. [A pow-wow with the bow-wow -Don King]
______
A person of Hispanic background was playing with their dog in the park. An
interested bystander watched with amazement and finally came over and asked
the question "How long did it take you to teach your dog Spanish?"
**************************
Submitted by: Ury Segal [ury@CS.HUJI.AC.IL]
Subject: Bumper Sticker
______
Bumper Sticker on Mini-minor:
This is my dreams car
I dream it's a Jaguar
**************************
Submitted by: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Author: Dennis Miller
Subject: Guys and Dolls
______
Did you hear about the latest revival of "Guys and Dolls"?
It's a politically correct version called "Loathsome
Oppressors and Women of Vision and Strength."
**************************
Submitted by: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Subject: Natural-Born
______
Swiped from Reader's Digest:
An eighth-grade teacher was leading a discussion on
the qualifications for being President of the United
States. After the teacher commented that a person must
be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised
her hand. "Does that mean that if you were born by
Caesarean section that you can't be President?"
**************************
Submitted by: grenus@ecn.purdue.edu (Karen M Grenus)
Author: Lee Sunderlin (her beau)
Subject: looking for Rudolf Seiler
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ______ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
] You might pass this phone conversation on to the joke list. It was an
] actual conversation my old roommate had recently in Switzerland.
]
] Frau. S: Rudolf Seiler?
]
] Jeff: Seiler? No, not at this number.
]
] Frau S: Rudolf Seiler? I'd like to talk with Rudolf Seiler?
]
] Jeff: No, there's nobody here with that name.
]
] Frau S: I'm looking for Rudolf Seiler.
]
] Jeff: There is nobody with that name in the Ott group.
]
] Frau S: It's me. I'm his mother.
]
] Jeff: Yes, well, you have the wrong number.
]
] Frau S: I'm calling 377-2858.
]
] Jeff: Ah, yes! You DO have the wrong number!
]
] Frau S: No! He wrote it down himself!
]
] Jeff: No...no...this is 2245.
]
] Frau S: (confused noises)
]
] Jeff: I mean, this is 377-2245.
]
] Frau S: But I'm calling 377-2858.
]
] Jeff: And that is not MY number...
]
] Frau S: Of course not. It's Rudolf's number. He wrote it down himself.
**************************
Author: randy@casbah.acns.nwu.edu (Randy Feldman)
Subject: Have I been wasting money on stamps??
Printed on the back of the return envelope for my credit card payment:
"Don't forget to put a stamp on this envelope. UNDER THE NEW POSTAL
REGULATIONS, MAIL WITHOUT A POSTAGE STAMP WILL NOT BE DELIVERED."
**************************
Author: 6310550@LMSC5.IS.LMSC.LOCKHEED.COM
Subject: cute things they say
Swiped from: misc.kids
______
Somebody had toliet papered the neighbors tree. When Melissa saw this
she said, "Oh how nice. Somebody put toilet paper up in the trees for
the birds to wipe with!"
----------------------------------------------------
The following is selections from a joke mailing list run by:
Victor Schwartz
**************************
Dave Barry - The Story of America
The story of America is the story of individuals - the Henry Fords, the
John DeLoreans, the Speedy Alka-Seltzers, the Don Corleones - who started
out alone, with little more than a dream and a willingness to work toward
it, and ended up running large organizations and eventually either dying or
getting indicted.
**************************
Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis
If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you
should try to humor him. If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical
sports car, tell him you think it's a terrific idea. If he wants to wear
"younger" clothes, help him pick them out. If he wants to start seeing
other women, shoot him in the head.
**************************
(Jorge Serpa contributed the following item, which seems particularly
timely in light of recent hurricane disasters:)
Unclear on the concept:
The Met Office is now using fax machines to give local authorities early
warning of severe weather. The Hampshire emergency planning office said:
"Rather than having to rely on telephones, for instance, where lines are at
risk in bad weather, we are encouraging the wider use of fax machines."
{News courtesy of the Reading Evening Post}
**************************
(Contributed by Keith Stobie to the Tandem Humor DL, from a collection
supplied by Lois Watson at HP:)
Last night I was in the mood to see something silly and idiotic on TV.
So I put the cat there.
**************************
(Contributed by Keith Stobie to the Tandem Humor DL, from a collection
supplied by Lois Watson at HP:)
I've found a sure way to relieve office stress:
Step 1: take a deep breath
Step 2: count to 10.
Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket on fire.
**************************
(The following story, produced by the New York Times, and printed in the
"Animal Science" column in today's San Jose Mercury News, brings to mind 2
other items seen in previous "Thought for the Day" mailers:
a) (Someone's law:) "Eat a live frog, first thing in the morning, and
nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day."
b) (Dave Barry's infamous line:) "I'm not making this up!"
COWS FED POT SCRUBBERS FATTEN FASTER
Researchers have found that by inserting a plastic pot scrubber in to the
first stomach, or rumen, of a cow, they can satisfy its need for roughage.
This could save ranchers up to $50 per cow without jeopardizing the
animal's health.
A cow's diet is normally about 10 percent to 15 percent fiber, most of it
hay, which is very low in calories.
To fatten cattle, the farmer must feed them as much corn as possible. But
substantially reducing fiber in the herd's diet makes the cattle lose their
appetites and stop gaining weight because their stomachs are not being
stimulated by roughage.
The researches found that a cow could do well on the lower-fiber, high-corn
diet if the cow had a pot scrubber in its stomach. Apparently the
coarseness of the scrubber and the bacteria that build up on its large
surface area act like dietary fiber in the digestive process.
The pot scrubbers are inserted without surgery, simply by wrapping them in
digestible tape and placing them on the back of the cow's tongue. Once
swallowed, the tape is digested and the pot scrubber remains in the cow's
rumen for life.
The word about this low-cost substitute for fiber, based on an article
published by Dr. Steven Loerch of Ohio State University last year in The
Journal of Animal Science, has spread quickly among ranchers.
Loerch said he had already received many calls from bewildered butchers who
have found the pot scrubbers in the guts of slaughtered cattle.
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page