Date: 29 Sep 92 11:00:27 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life 8.P
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From rec.humor.funny:
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From: decot@hposl20.cup.hp.com (Dave Decot)
Subject: Occult of Personality
They started selling these expensive new cards for predicting the future.
They're called PEROT CARDS. You deal them out in front of you, and
as you look at each one of them, you see what you want to see.
The cards are all blank.
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From: J.KISER6@genie.com (==] J. David)
Subject: Bumper Stickers
__________________________________
*IF GOD HAD MEANT FOR US TO VOTE *
* HE'D HAVE GIVEN US CANDIDATES *
__________________________________
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From: IOR@slacvm.slac.stanford.edu (Thomas Hyer)
Subject: who's who, and why
BAKER FOR PRESIDENT
"Eliminate the middleman"
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From: jlee@smylex.UUCP (Jeff Lee)
Subject: Gore Predicts America's Downfall
]From an Associated Press report:
[Bill Clinton's running mate Albert] Gore [Jr.], a 16-year veteran of
Congress, pledged to take on the assignment with "great relish and
enthusiasm." He asked voters skeptical of their promise of change to
remember that every Communist government in Eastern Europe had fallen
in 100 days.
"Now it's our turn here in the United States of America," Gore said.
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From: 94FC@williams.edu (Fluffhead)
Boris Yeltsin came upon a crowd of students around a bonfire. He noticed that
they were burning books and asked, "What are these books which you are
burning?" They replied, "These are our Marxist-Leninist textbooks. We have no
use for them now." Yeltsin replied, "Don't burn them. Send them to American
students. They will buy them."
thanks to Fred Schwarz of the Christian Anti-Communist Crusade for the joke.
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From: bateman@nsslsun.nssl.uoknor.edu (Monte Bateman)
Subject: New OS for PC
[ Stolen from _InfoWorld_, Robert X. Cringely's column ]
Announced today was a new operating system for the PC.
It is called "DOS/Perot". When you boot it, it displays
a message on the screen saying it's thinking of running.
It then scans the hard drive, looking for competing OS's.
If any competing OS's are found, it quits immediately.
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From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Subject: Ross Perot
Ross Perot was accused of forcing his employees
to sign loyalty oaths.
Too bad he never had to sign one.
- Jay Leno
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From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Cuba used to have a great rowing team, but all the really
good rowers ended up on the US team.
- Jay Leno
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From: J.CUNNINGHAM@genie.com (The Dog)
Subject: Bush (George) jokes
There was a line in George's speach where he said
I raised taxes 1 time and I lived to regret it. Bill Clinton
did it 132 times and loved every minute.
#
I thought he was going to add:
And it's the same way on adultry.
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From: major.panix.com!dos@panix.com (Dave O'Shea)
Watching the democratic party in a presidential contest is like watching
a washing machine with a defective bearing: It starts up smoothly
enough, but soon, it begins to wobble and shake, jumping violently from
place to place, until it tears itself to pieces, spewing dirty laundry
all over the room.
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From: amunn@umd5.umd.edu (Alan Munn)
Overheard in a restaurant:
A supercomputer is a computer 1 order of magnitude less powerful
than is needed to solve the problems we have right now.
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From: fsars@acad3.alaska.edu (Allen R Sparks)
Subject: Wishful Thinking
I heard this on the Tonight Show with Johny Carson sometime last week.
It was told by Orson Beam, who BTW, collaberated with Mel Brooks in
creating the old TV show "Get Smart".
Three men, one American, one British, and one Iraqi see a bottle. One
of them picks it up and rubs it. A genie pops out and grants them all
one wish apiece.
The American said, "I want a million bucks a week, tax free."
The genie granted the wish
The Brit said, "I want to be a member of the peerage."
The genie made him a Lord.
The Iraqi said, "My neighbor has a goat. I want it KILLED."
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From: axon@synoptics.com (Alan Chamberlain)
Subject: construction site joke
back when i was working as a roofer, i was supposed to attach some
galvanized sheet metal flashing with some long galvanized screws.
i asked my foreman to hand me a screwdriver, and was surprised when
he handed me a hammer.
"no," i said, "i need a screwdriver."
"here you go," he said, proferring again the hammer.
"no," i protested, "i want that long, skinny thing with the handle at
one end and the flat blade at the other."
"*oh*," he said. "you want the screw *remover*!"
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From: darwoon@sfu.ca (Rob Dar-Woon)
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class about Noah and his
adventures in the arc.
"So do you think Noah did a lot of fishing?", she asked the
class.
"How could he," said one bright girl, "with only two worms?"
- From our local Transit information flyer -
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From: MFCMEACH@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu (Jo Meachem)
Subject: Ture Story (smirk!)
Ture story, true story...what's the difference?
My sister is married to a Frenchman, and they live in France. At a party to
introduce her to the neighborhood, someone asked her:
"Do you Americans tell jokes about ethnic groups...like our Belgian jokes?"
My sister replied, "Yes, but they are more likely to be Polish jokes."
"But, why?" queried the puzzled neighbor. "They aren't stupid, like the
Belgians!"
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From: toma@romulus.cray.com (Thomas Arneberg)
Subject: Jokes from Reagan's speech: Thomas Jefferson
Reagan speech 8/17/92, referring to Bill Clinton (with veiled reference to
Lloyd Bentson's comment to Dan Quayle during the 1988 VP debate; also after
joking about his (Reagan's) advanced age):
All right. Listen to me. This fellow they've nominated claims he's the
new Thomas Jefferson. Well, let me tell you something. I knew Thomas
Jefferson. He was a friend of mine. And, governor, you're no Thomas
Jefferson.
Subject: joke from Reagan's speech: inhaling
From: toma@romulus.cray.com (Thomas Arneberg)
Reagan speech 8/17/92 at Republican National Convention:
When we see all that rhetorical smoke billowing out from the Democrats,
ladies and gentlemen, I'd follow the example of their nominee: Don't
inhale.
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From: dowling@hubcap.clemson.edu (william a dowling)
Subject: NFL and Moving Super Bowl
My father made this remark to me last week when I was home:
"You have to feel for the NFL for moving the Super Bowl from racist Phoenix
Arizona (for not allowing a Martin Luther King Holiday) to non-racist L.A
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From: mha@baka.ithaca.ny.us (Mark Anbinder)
Subject: To wait or not to wait
Forwarded to me by a friend at Cornell University.
"Observe that for the programmer, as for the chef, the urgency of the patron
may govern the scheduled completion of the task, but it cannot govern the
actual completion. An omelette, promised in two minutes, may appear to be
progressing nicely. But when it has not set in two minutes, the customer
has two choices -- wait or eat it raw. Software customers have had the
same choices."
-- Frederick P. Brooks, Jr, _The Mythical Man-Month_
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From: als@bohra.cpg.oz.au (Anthony Shipman)
[From the paper today]
The airline business has always had a rich sense of humour, and one
purportedly true story doing the rounds at the moment upholds the
tradition. It concerns a stormy flight aboard a Boeing aircraft; an
off-duty airline stewardess is sitting next to a man in the grip of
serious white-knuckle fever as he watches, through his porthole, the
aircraft's wing bending and bouncing in the tempest.
The stewardess tries to reassure him; she works in the industry and
flies all the time, she tells him. There is nothing to worry about;
the pilots have everything under control. "Madam," he replies, "I am a
Boeing engineer and we did not design this aircraft to do what it is
doing."
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Subject: How to get around arrogant executives
This happened to me at work early last year (at a different company).
I was working at one of those very-very-big-corporations-of-america, and
we had recently been inflicted with a new division head. As had all
division heads before him, this one said that he "wanted to get to know
everyone personally," and was going to "meet everyone one-on-one." As
all executives say this -- and none ever follow through -- I never gave
it any thought. And sure enough, the division head never met anyone.
However, some months later, I needed to speak with the division head's
secretary, who was also the secretary for the rest of the division. She
was in the division head's office, and was clearly just shooting the
breeze with the DH. I poked my head in and said (in a heavily ironic
tone of voice), "I hate to drag you away from your obviously very
important business, but I need your help for a second." She smiled and
nodded, and headed out to her desk.
As I stood at her desk, waiting for her to get my form (or whatever it
was that I needed), the DH lumbered out of his office and said to me in
what he clearly thought was an ironic tone of voice, "I could fire you
for that, you know!" (Ho ho ho.) I fixed him with a look and stated,
"You can't fire me; you don't even know my name." His mouth clamped
shut, he turned, and headed back into his office. I got my form and
left.
Less than a month later, the DH was transferred to another division.
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From: voros@physics.monash.edu.au
The recent business of Heavy Boots (TM) was being discussed by my Engies
the other day when I arrived to take them for a class. (I tutor a couple
of freshman Engineer classes in Physics for the University.)
Anyway, they were arguing about this, and decided they'd ask me what the
situation was. I talked about gravity and how all matter/energy
gravitates, etc. The Sun gravitates and all the stars, etc etc. I had
to also explain that, contrary to what some of them thought, gravity
acts even when there is no air (!!); that the Moon has gravity despite
having no atmosphere. This took some convincing(!), but I clinched it
with the experiment with the hammer and feather -- *they* weren't
wearing Heavy Boots, and yet still fell.
I then proceeded to discuss the nature of scientific theories, testing
hypotheses, keeping an open mind but remaining sceptical, the usual
stuff. I tend to get very animated when I talk Physics, and raise my
voice, gesticulate, pace, and generally carry on. After some 20 minutes
of this talk about Science (TM) and Scientific Method (TM), I finished
up with something like "So that is how Science is done. Formulate
theories, test them and believe them only when and how far they predict
experimental results. ... Now, any questions?"
One girl up the back raises her hand, "Yes, I have one. You got very
worked up over this -- are you a Scorpio?"
Oi veh!
joe
ps Of course I'm not a Scorpio!! I have a very balanced approach to
these things -- I'm a *Libra*.
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From: jim@galileo.ifa.hawaii.edu (Kevin Jim)
Subject: Hurricane Humor
The U.S. has only three hurricane warning centers - Coral Gables,
FL, Guam, and Honolulu, HI (recently completed). All three have
faced Category 4 hurricanes in the past month. Which only goes
to show:
If you build it, they will come!
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From: dhyatt@leland.stanford.edu
Subject: History of the United States
J. Walter Thompson, a huge ad agency, has a test for all wannabe
copywriters. They print it every few years as a full page ad in many
major newspapers. They call the campaign "Write if you want work."
My response to the question, "Write the history of the
United States in 100 words or less":
Creation. Evolution. Civilization. Exploration.
Colonization. Taxation. Representation? Declaration. Revolution.
Celebration. Constitutionalization. Election. Inauguration.
Succession. Institutionalization. Conflagration. Migration.
Plantation. Expansion. Destination Manifestation. Annexation.
Secession. Rebellion. Abolition. Emancipation Proclamation.
Assassination. Reconstruction. Industrialization. Assassination.
Invention. Transportation. Urbanization. Exploitation.
Stratification. Assassination. Unionization. Protection.
Regulation. Suffrage Extension. Balkanization. Destruction. League
of Nations. Prohibition. Immigration. Depression. Socialization.
Construction. Isolation. Deterioration. Penetration.
Fission-n-Fusion. Annihilation. Radiation. Polarization.
Militarization. Partition. Persecution. Automation. Failed
Invasion. Assassination. Investigation. Division. Demonstration.
Mind Alteration. Space Exploration. Bra Incineration. Obfuscation.
Resignation. Elation. Stupification. Abortion. Stagflation. Gas
Station. Computerization. Communication. Deregulation. Pollution.
Deforestation. Kinder, Gentler Nation. Reunification.
Reconciliation. Verification. Recession. Demarcation.
Obliteration. Glorification. Education?
copyright 1992 david hyatt -- don't rip it off if you're taking the
same test!
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From: zoo@cygnus.com (david d `zoo' zuhn)
I was on the interviewer side of a job interview for the first time a
few days ago, and in preparation I asked many people for help and
advice. I received a set of sample questions from a best friend in a
previous life.
All credit or blame for the following truly belong to Brian R. Smith
(brsmith@cs.umn.edu), and is reproduced here by permission:
"How do you work in a team situation when all the other team
members are fools and idiots?"
"Have you ever beaten or killed a co-worker?"
"Give me a rough estimate of the maximum dollar amount that you've
stolen from each of your previous employers."
"Do you object to bullwhips in the workplace?"
"Emacs or vi?"
"You have a large network of Suns being used by secretaries for word
processing in FrameMaker. Which GNU packages would you install for
your own entertainment, and how would you justify them later?"
"You see a wounded puppy bleeding and whimpering on the side of the
road while you're running to work to fix a downed computer that tens
of users are waiting for. Do you let the puppy die?" "Why not?"
"How much of your workday would you waste by reading news?"
"Recite the GNU Manifesto."
"How many clients (30% diskless, 60% dataless, 10% /var/spool/mail
only) can a Sun 600MP server serve simultaneously, and what relation
does this have to angels and pinheads?"
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From: eab@voa3.voa.gov (E. Allen Brown)
In the early '70s, Columbia Gas of Maryland adopted the slogan
"Gas Speaks for Itself." Columbia Gas bought advertising in the form
of billboards all over the area. One of the billboards was in Cumberland,
Maryland. It was a double billboard with the Columbia Gas ad on the left.
Their competition, Potomac Edison Electric bought the right billboard panel
for their ad. So people driving through the area saw something like:
|----------------------------------| |------------------------------------|
| | | |
| GAS | | |
| SPEAKS FOR ITSELF | | BOOM!!! |
| | | |
| | | |
| Columbia Gas | | Potomac Edison |
| of Maryland | | Electric |
|__________________________________| |____________________________________|
Remember, in those days, energy was cheap and competition was fierce...but
I still chuckle when I think of it.
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