Date: 26 Oct 92 17:07:55 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life 8.T
----------------------------------------------------
how much for the presidency?
From: bowe@osf.org
I heard this on NPR (National Public Radio) this morning. It was in
a story about Al Gore's visit to a new Democratic campaign headquarters
in Boston. It was the former local office for Ross Perot's supporters.
While killing some time, Joe Kennedy 2nd (my US congressman) said
something like this (paraphrasing - I forget the exact wording):
Some people thought Perot would spend $100 million of his
own money to buy the presidency. My grandmother (102-year-old
Rose Kennedy, monther of JFK, Teddy, etc.) told me 'your
grandfather only spent $10 million.'
Just to be clear, he soon afterwards said "It was a joke, gang, a joke."
Was it?
- john bowe
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Stuff Brian Gordon sifted out of rec.humor:
Brian.Gordon@eng.sun.com
**************************
From: johnson@sleipnir.mnesouth.corp.mot.com ("Johnson")
I always liked "Pass With Care." I keep looking for the ones that say
"Pass Without Care."
**************************
From: crystal@glia.biostr.washington.edu (Crystal)
How about the signs in hospital parking lots:
PATIENT PARKING
What about those who are IMPATIENT???
Crystal
**************************
From: lc1r+@andrew.cmu.edu (Lori Cole)
Sign in Clinton campaign headquarters:
QUAYLE IS A BOZOE
**************************
From: sparker@gmuvax.gmu.edu
While living in Southern New Jersey, we drove past a drug store that
had a sign out front proclaiming.....
"OPEN 25 HOURS"
**************************
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff Nola Mae McBain sifted out of rec.humor:
**************************
DESCRIBTION (sic) OF PERSONS WITH NAMES ALTERED BY ONE LETTER:
]]
]] LITTLE BOA PEEP - shepherdess who absentmindedly ate her own
]] flock.
]] JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACHE - Wall Street baroquer.
]] MOOSES - Hebrew prophet who parted the Maine woods.
]] PERRY MASSON - television lawyer who will solve no case before
]] its time.
]] EVICTOR HUGO - French landlord and author, "Lease Miserables"
]] XEROXES - Persian photocopy king.
]] ERICH MARINA REMARQUE - author, "All Quiet On The Waterfront."
]
**************************
ejhupper@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu (Eric Huppertz)
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the bulb, and one to say,
"I fail to see the humor in this."
**************************
jv@irus.rri.uwo.ca (Jeffrey Verhagen) writes
The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and is
fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose
-- James Finke, Pres., Commodore Int'l Ltd.(1982)
**************************
wilkin@uqvax.cc.uq.oz.au
Here in Brisbane (Queensland, Australia), we recently had a number of escapes
from a new prison, which happens to be situated next to a major highway.
One morning (after several escapes) an official Main Roads Department sign
appeared on the highway stating
+---------------+
| Caution |
| Prisoners |
| Crossing |
+---------------+
Obviously, some caring person (or persons) at Main Roads decided that the
poor prisoners were in danger having to cross the busy highway and decided
to erect the sign for their safty.
Unfortunately, the powers that be did not share this (these) persons' point
of view and the sign was promply remove and an official investigation launched!
**************************
cowieson@brandonu.ca
Skydiving bumper snickers:
"SKYDIVERS ARE GOOD TO THE LAST DROP"
**************************
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff Tony Podrasky (tonyp@cnvxla.convex.com) sifted out of rec.humor:
**************************
From: richs@microsoft.com (Rick Schaut)
In article [codrus.710141585@glia] crystal@glia.biostr.washington.edu (Crystal)
writes:
]How about the signs in hospital parking lots:
] PATIENT PARKING
]What about those who are IMPATIENT???
I've always thought "OUT PATIENT" parking was for people who were out of
patience. Or is "INPATIENT" parking merely a misspelling?
BTW, as one drives west on 124th Street just entering Kirkland, there's a
business sign on the left-hand side of the road which states:
Factory Direct
15 Years
**************************
From: patch@sequent.com (Pat Chewning)
My favorite on a narrow winding mountain road in Colorado:
"Please do not overestimate the width of the road"
**************************
From: peterk@polari.online.com
]Saw one on my vacation that I liked. Sort of an oxymoron:
]
]
] +-------------+
] | SHARP |
] | CURVES |
] +-------------+
**************************
From: jtkrauss@phoenix.princeton.edu (Jeffrey T. Krauss)
On my trip from Princeton, NJ to Boston, MA last weekend, I saw a sign
that
said:
White Plains
No White Plains
Next Right
Hmm...I wonder what happens if you take that right...do you end up in a
world where things are both there and not there? Transparant maybe?
**************************
From: medic@milton.u.washington.edu (Travis Lauricella)
Quite often, I've seen: ^
/ \
/ \
/ \
/CAUTION\
/ \
/ NO WARNING\
\ SIGNS /
\ /
\ /
\ /
\ /
\ /
v
**************************
From: dave@medicus.com (Dave Truckenmiller)
My favorite is the Interstate Signs through Berkeley.
While travelling North, one can glance at a single sign post that states:
|
/-----\
| WEST |
| 580 |
\ /
\ /
|
/-----\
| EAST |
| 80 |
\ /
\ /
|
|
|
|
**************************
From: saal@cbnewsl.cb.att.com (samuel.saal)
Marion Trozzolo, the inventor of Teflon, died July 1. According to the
newspaper obit, he had allegedly been arrested for a variety of crimes,
but none would stick.
**************************
From: andy@cbnewsh.cb.att.com (andy.russo)
Subject: Perot Says Noe
There was an old man named Perot,
An awesome political foe,
He talked with reporters,
Got lots of supporters,
And then said "Hey, I gotta go."
**************************
From: darsie@eecs.ucdavis.edu (Richard Darsie)
A billionaire from Texas named Ross
His hat in the ring he did toss
While some were excited,
Lots more were afrighted
At the prospect of Ross for a boss.
**************************
Now that the Perot campaign is over, there are sure to be some books
written on the subject. Here are some suggested, albeit not
necessarily original, titles:
1) Gone with the Whim
2) Principia Mythologica
3) Bridge over the River Why
4) Bellow the Salt
5) Veni, Vidi, Mickey
6) South Dallas Sortie
7) The Emperor Wears No Hose
8) Field of Seems
9) Interview with a Vamper
10) Two No-beef Platties, Special Ross, Let Us Please Pick a Bumpkin
on a Scarcely Sneezed Run
11) Third Potties in American History
12) The Capitolist [sic] Manifesto
David Hudson
**************************
From: johnson@sleipnir.mnesouth.corp.mot.com ("Johnson")
Subject: Re: Parrot Talk
I knew a guy with two parrots. The first one I heard kept making sort of
grunting noises, like he was trying to bush his sushi. I asked what it was,
and was told that was his dog imitation. "What kind of dog do you have?" I
asked, since the sound was nothing like any dog I'd ever heard. "I don't,"
he told me. "He's imitating the neighbor's dog." Sure enough, it sounded
exactly like a dog barking *outside*, muffled by the walls.
His second parrot lived in his "game room", where he had all his computers
and video games. Until you've experienced it yourself, you have no idea how
difficult it is to play such a game with the bird making video game sounds
which are in no way related to the game you're playing.
**************************
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-- A. C. Clarke
Any sufficiently undocumented code is indistinguishable from magic.
-- Some frustrated kernel hacker.
**************************
"A leopard never changes his stripes"
-- Al Gore, candidate for vice-president
[I GUESS HE'S THE DEMOCRAT VERSION OF QUAYLE]
**************************
From: campagna@cousins.RICH.nt.com (Mark Campagna)
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Zero, they now have a synthesizer to do that!
**************************
From: prem@prem.lbl.gov (Shirdi R. Prem)
Here is some WW.II humour, which I remember reading in a
book I saw at the British Library in Bangalore, India.
---
On a street corner in London, @1942:
A gentleman walked up to a soldier and asked, "Pardon me,
sir, which side is the War Ministry on ?"
"Ours, I hope."
---
One of the RAF trainee pilots was on a session on a flying boat.
As they completed their flight, his supervisor approached the
runway on land. The trainee was quiet for a while, and as they
lined up for the final approach, he blurted out, "Er... sir,
aren't we on a flying boat.....".
The instructor quietly aborted the landing, turned to starboard
and made a clean approach and landed on the water. He quietly
unfastened his seatbelt, got out of his seat, walked up to the
door and said "Good. I was just testing your presence of mind."
He had hardly finished saying that, when he opened the door
and stepped straight out into the water.
---
At an RAF air-show, the Lancaster bomber made his first pass
all four engines roaring. As the cheers and waves died down, he
shut off one engine and made another pass. Again with only two
engines, and finally a low pass with just one engine.
"Oooh", said a young girl, "That must be hard!!"
"Aaah, that's nothing" said her boyfriend, "Next time, he'll
just do it on his windshield wipers...."
---
In the jungles in the far-east, mosquitoes were a terrible problem.
But one Commanding Officer used to sleep without his shirt in the
open. The new chaps asked one of their more experienced seniors,
"Doesn't he get bitten by those mosquitoes ??"
The chap answered, "Well, the C.O. has a bottle of whiskey before
turning in. So, until 3 AM or so, he is too full to bother about the
mosquitoes. By that time, the mosquitoes are too full to bother him!"
**************************
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff Dani Zweig (dani@netcom.com) sifted out of rec.humor:
**************************
From: vaps0de@prism.gatech.EDU (Dustin Emhart)
Subject: Re: Bumper Stickers
I passed a car on the freeway the other day sporting one that read "My
Child is on Academic Probation at ... Elementary School."
**************************
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff Russell Lear sifted out of rec.humor:
**************************
From: "curtis repen" [curtis.repen@canrem.com]
At work here all our Unix servers are named after planets.
My co-worker recieved a message this morning
"Cannot find "Earth"".
I feel like that some Mondays, myself. I was a bit more worried when I
received the message "'Earth' Going down in 5 min. please log out"."
**************************
From: guyh@hpubvwa.nsr.hp.com (Guy Hyde)
Reading ( with enjoyment ) Life 3.5 and Life 6.C
reminded me of a true ( yet humorous ) story told
by my brother while in college --
The rules at this particular university were such that if the
professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past
the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students
were free to leave -- with no penalties for missing a class.
The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks which
"jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticable fashion.
As it were, these clocks were also not of the most
sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student
discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard
erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.
So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take
target practice at the clock ( as it would have it, this
particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students
considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed
erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.
Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor
strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them
"You have 1 hour to complete".
The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around
the room, gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had
successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed
the class and collected the exam papers.
Life does teach some lessons the hard way.
**************************
----------------------------------------------------
From stuff Cheryl Ann Pence sifted out of rec.humor:
**************************
waist-line impaired. Or Gravitationally Challenged.
**************************
Sender: dlf@aber.ac.uk (David Leslie Fenerty)
I was once talking to a none-too-bright friend of mine about the Commonwalth
Games, to be staged in Edinburgh, about to be boycotted by some countries
because of Britain's stand on apartheid.
"It's a shame America isn't going in for these Games" he commented, "I reckon
Russia will clean up now"
I asked him "Don't you know what countries are involved in the Commonwealth
Games?"
"Sure I do" he replied "It's all of the countries in the Common Market isn't
it?"
**************************
From: advax@reg.triumf.ca (A.Daviel)
+--------------------------------+
| * WEIGHT LOSS CLINIC * |
+--------------------------------+
ENTRANCE EXIT
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