Date: 30 Nov 92 17:21:19 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life 9.3
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The following is something Shikha Ghosh sifted out of rec.humor
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From: bruceh@hpspdla.spd.HP.COM (Bruce Hayek):
Personally, if I had my own business it would be:
MISERY LOVES CO.
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From Bob Coleman's sifting of rec.humor
What do Kinney Shoe Stores and the U.S. Post Office have in common?
50,000 loafers!
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Ludwig Boltzmann, who spent much of his life studying statistical
mechanics, died in 1906, by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying on
the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn to study
statistical mechanics. Perhaps it will be wise to approach the subject
cautiously.
-- David L. Goodstein [ _States of Matter_ ]
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But in physics I soon learned to scent out the paths that led to the
depths, and to disregard everything else, all the many things that
clutter up the mind, and divert it from the essential. The hitch in this
was, of course, the fact that one had to cram all this stuff into one's
mind for the examination, whether one liked it or not.
-- Albert Einstein
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From Philip A. Fleischmann's siftings of rec.humor
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From: jmarlan@titan.nmt.edu (Jon Marlan)
Organization: New Mexico Tech
A few semesters ago I noticed a sign on campus that was pretty funny. Someone had tampered with a "ROAD CLOSED" sign so that it read "TOAD CLOSET."
I can imagine what some of our foreign students thought about that one.
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From: thf2@ellis.uchicago.edu (Ted Frank)
Organization: University of Chicago Computing Organizations
When I lived on the West Bank in New Orleans (which was on the east side of the Mississippi River), local residents were disgruntled about the plan to put in tollbooths over the one bridge that allowed people to cross over into downtown New Orleans. It would be a one-way toll to enter the city.
One resident felt the tollbooth plan was particularly unfair.
"The city *always* discriminates against West Bankers. Why can't they put the tolls on the other side of the bridge?"
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From Ellen Spertus' sifting of rec.humor
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From: walrus@bessel.umd.edu (Grig Larson)
This is an example of a great harmless practical joke for sci majors:
Inflate as many balloons as you can [500+ works best]. Dip them in liquid
nitrogen. They should shrink down to almost non-inflated size. Take all these
balloons and hurredly toss them in someone's room, sans liqNitro.
I forgot where I heard this, but someone told me it is great to watch
the room from a distance as the balloons swell up and take over the room.
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From Kent Williams' sifting of rec.humor
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Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
force is technically termed "car suck").
2) Never precede any manoeuvre by a comment more predictive
than "Watch this!"
"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
-- Andrew W. Mathis
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Q: What do you get when you cross a dog with a giraffe?
A: A creature which barks at planes.
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There was an engineer working at a defense contractor, and for twenty years
he had been going through the same security gate. The sign above the gate
said "These articles forbidden inside: Radios, TVs, Recording Equipment".
One day he walked through, but as he was passing the guard, his beeper went
off. The guard said, "What was that?" The engineer replied, "Only my beeper."
The guard then asked him if it the beeper was a radio. The common answer in
this situation would have been no, but the engineer, being a stickler for the
truth replied yes. The guard then confiscated the beeper above all the protests
of the engineer. So the engineer walked a few paces onward, pulled out a pen,
unscrewed the cap of it, and spoke in a low voice into the end of it, "They've
taken my radio." He got in alot of trouble.
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A wealthy American died. In his will, he left considerable sums of
money to three friends, an Englishman, A Welshman, and an Irishman if
they would leave $10 in his coffin.
The Englishman was the first to arrive at the wake, and promptly placed
a $10 bill in the coffin.
The Welshman arrived second. He borrowed $10 from the Englishman and
placed it in the coffin.
The Irishman arrived last. He wrote a check for $30, placed it in the
coffin, and took the two $10 bills.
Three days later, the check was cashed.
Seems the undertaker was a Scot.
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From Tom Henning's sifting of rec.humor
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From uranus!parc!bionet!agate!ames!haven.umd.edu!uunet!mcsun!uknet!newcastle.ac.uk!newton!n1zk6
Lada Jokes
==========
How many man do you need to build a lada ?
Two.
One folding, one glueing.
What do you call a Lada that starts first time ?
A novelty.
What do you call a Lada that overtakes you ?
A mirage.
What to you call a Lada with brakes ?
Customised.
Guy #1 : I was lucky yesterday, I won second prize in a lottery !
Guy #2 : Lucky you! What did you win ?
Guy #1 : A Lada
Guy #2 : Oh yeah, what was the first prize ?
Guy #1 : A basket of assorted fruits.
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She was telling her friend about an accident
she recently had:
-"First I ran into the sidewalk as I smashed
some motorcycles, and then I hit a tree so
my car turned around and ended up in the
middle of the street. After that I hit a
truck that, luckily, was slowly moving
in my direction, my car bounced when we
collided and I flew up in a shop window.
And, at that moment I completely lost
control of my car..."
--------------------------
The same Irishman got thirsty rushing downstairs, so he went to a bar.
After sitting down, he ordered 18 beers. The bartender got shocked and
ask if he was serious, he replied proudly, 'The sign at the door says
UNDER 18 NOT ALLOWED'....
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From Christopher Neufeld's sifting or rec.humor
neufeld@helios.physics.utoronto:ca
And it happened that two hunters were tramping through the forest,
hunting, because that's what hunters do. They had tramped for quite a while,
when suddenly they saw a deer (no relation to Bambi) and shot it (they were
hunting, remember.)
So the two hunters grabbed a hind leg each, and started dragging the
corpse through the woods. It was slow going, of course, since the antlers
kept getting caught on trees and bushes and shrubs. Finally, they came to
a clearing, and met a third hunter (hunting.) The third hunter saw their
predicament, and said, "Gosh, why don't you fellows grab the deer by the
antlers and drag it like that? Should be easier..."
The two hunters saw the wisdom in the third hunter's words, and
immediately followed his advice.
Two hours later, the first hunter looked at the second hunter and
said, "You know, that guy was right, this is much easier!"
"Yeah," replied the other, "but we keep getting farther and farther
away from the jeep..."
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The best thing to teach your parrot to say is, "Here kitty-kitty-kitty, here
kitty-kitty-kitty."
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Saw one yesterday, "NO PARKING IN MIDDLE OF STREET" Is this really a problem?
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Alaska's legislature could have dealt with marijuana recriminalization
two years ago by amending the state's constitution. Why didn't they?
It would have required them to pass a joint resolution.
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From: cvessey@upei.ca (Chris R. Vessey)
Here's one from a Discover magazine of Long Long Ago . . . it was designed
for people who complain about the length of your humourous answering machine
messages.
ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
I have found this works effectively when read in a somewhat Klingon-sounding
voice.
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From: joec@fid.morgan.com (Joe Collins)
True story.
I go into a Burger King with a friend of mine and he says to me:
"Follow my lead and then order me a Cheeseburger and a coke."
"But first say a hamburger".
We go up to the counter and I order for myself. I then say,
"Frank what will you have?"
He says loudly:
HGJHSGDJHGSD ALKKJSKWI KLLKQOIiwe, (pure gibberish, very loudly)
I say to the attendant,
"Okay, he'll have a coke and a hamburger."
At which Frank grabs my arm and screams:
ZX[APOQOIWOWK ALKZJASOPIW AL:KLASK (even louder)
I turn back to the attendant and say:
"He changed his mind, make that a cheeseburger"
They looked at us stoneface as we walked out......We laughed all
the way home.
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From: Chris_F_Chiesa@cup.portal.com
On VMS, the XDELTA operating-system and device-driver debugger utility's
one and only all-purpose error message is, "Eh?"
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From: lumensa@lub001.lamar.edu (Dale Parish)
Reminded me of the guy in our outfit who'd made himself a custom paper
spike to fit over his terminal. He transferred to a new job in a
different building and when he found he had a terminal of the same
model, he snuck in early one day and swiped the old paper spike to which
he'd grown attached. The system went down that same morning about
startup time, and I got a call from the girl who'd replaced him at his
old job.
"My terminal's been broken! You gotta come fix it-- it's EOM and I've
got gobbs of stuff to input!!!"
"What's been broken... " checking to see and sure enough, the system was
still off-line.
"Somebody broke off the antenna and it doesn't receive the computer
anymore." And she was deadpan serious.
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Bob Cherry's sifting of rec.humor:
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From: richs@microsoft.com (Rick Schaut)
]In Michigan if more than 10 deer are hit in a certain area a Deer Crossing
]sign must be put up.
I've always wondered how deer know to cross between those signs.
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From: seksie@cs.montana.edu (Robin Winslett)
My favorite is a common sign in Montana:
----------
| Snow |
| * |
| Route |
----------
Since when does the snow need it's own roads??
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From: aij@sactoh0.sac.ca.us (Andrew I. Jones)
Here's the message I made...
Note, tone of voice can be either deeply sinister or overly happy.
[sinister organ music]
"Hello, you have reached the [last name] residence."
"You now have two choices. Number one, you may leave a message."
[angelic "Hallelujah!"]
"Or number two, suffer eternal damnation."
[horrid death scream]
"You decide."
*BEEP*
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Marc Loon [loon@underdog.ee.wits.ac.za]
Conversation: a voice competition between two people
in which the one taking a breath is called the listener.
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From: jimh@pacdata.uucp (Jim Harkins)
Re: stupid criminal tricks
Another guy put a bag over his head and robbed a video store. He had
correctly cut out 2 holes for his eyes but they didn't have any trouble
finding him. He'd used a clear plastic bag.....
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From Bob Cherry:
While in high school I took physics and chemistry and had the
tough luck to receive the same teacher for both classes. She
was a relatively nice woman, but a stickler when giving us
homework and on test. The one thing she always said was,
"I don't care if you discover a new law to the universe, you
are required to show all your work on test and homework problems
in order to get full credit. Even if your answers are right,
you have to show me how you got them." Well, I didn't always
show my work because a lot of it I guessed at and she always
took half of my score off for not doing so. This went on for
an entire semester until I finally found a way to get her back.
In the back of the physics room were bulletin boards where she
posted some of the common laws for physics and chemistry. On
one of the boards was Avigadross number which was written as
6.023 x 10 to the 23rd. I took a small piece of paper, wrote a
note on it and tacked it next to the message on the bulliten
board. The next day she announced in class that she would only
be taking 5 points off of test and homework papers from now on
if they didn't show all work. The note I had posted worked.
If your wondering what it said --
Nice work Avigadross, but you didn't show your work --- D+.
--------------------------
From Bob Cherry (from a friend of his):
A few years ago, I was visiting in Connecticut and decided to take a
tour of the Hartford Museum of Modern Art. While there I saw a number
of eye catching photos, sculptures, paintings and the like, but only
one thing caught my minds eye -- a T-shirt in the gift shop. What it
said made me think and many times I go back and look at the list on my
T-shirt just to give me a new perspective or to find the perfect answer
to one of life's little mysteries. When I wear the shirt, people stop
me and ask to read it. They tell me its great and they ask where they
can get one. Such information I refuse to divulge because I have
something so unique and I don't want to share it, but I will share the
words that often give me the answers I need.
ABUSE OF POWER IS NO SURPRISE
ACTION CAUSES MORE TROUBLE THAN THOUGHT
ALL THINGS ARE DELICATELY INTERCONNECTED
AN ELITE IS INEVITABLE
AWFUL PUNISHMENT AWAITS REALLY BAD PEOPLE
BEING HAPPY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING ELSE
BOREDOM MAKES YOU DO CRAZY THINGS
CHANGE IS VALUABLE WHEN THE OPPRESSED BECOME TYRANTS
CHILDREN ARE THE CRUELEST OF ALL
CHILDREN ARE THE HOPE OF THE FUTURE
CONFUSING YOURSELF IS A WAY OF STAYING HONEST
IF YOU LIVE SIMPLY THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
IT IS MANS FATE TO OUTSMART HIMSELF
IT IS BETTER TO BE NAIVE THAN JADED
IT IS CRUCIAL TO HAVE AN ACTIVE FANTASY LIFE
JUST BELIEVING IN SOMETHING CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN
LACK OF CHARISMA CAN BE FATAL
MONEY CREATES TASTE
MOTHERS SHOULDN'T MAKE TOO MANY SACRIFICES
NOTHING UPSETS THE BALANCE BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL
PEOPLE ARE BORING UNLESS THEY ARE EXTREMISTS
PEOPLE WHO GO CRAZY ARE TOO SENSITIVE
PUSH YOURSELF TO THE LIMITS AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE
RAISE BOYS AND GIRLS THE SAME
ROMANTIC LOVE WAS CREATED TO MANIPULATE WOMEN
SALVATION CAN'T BE BOUGHT OR SOLD
SELFISHNESS IS THE MOST BASIC MOTIVATION
SELFLESSNESS IS THE HIGHEST ACHIEVEMENT
SLIPPING INTO MADNESS IS GOOD FOR THE SAKE OF COMPARISON
SLOPPY THINKING GETS WORSE OVER TIME
SOMETIMES SCIENCE ADVANCES FURTHER THAN IT SHOULD
THE MORE YOU KNOW THE BETTER OFF YOU ARE
THE WORLD OPERATES ACCORDING TO DISCOVERABLE LAWS
THERE ARE TOO FEW IMMUTABLE TRUTHS TODAY
THERE IS NOTHING EXCEPT WHAT YOU CAN SENSE
TIMIDITY IS LAUGHABLE
TRUE FREEDOM IS FRIGHTFUL
WISHING THINGS AWAY IS NOT EFFECTIVE
YOU ARE GUILELESS IN YOUR DREAMS
YOU ARE THE PAST PRESENT AND FUTURE
YOUR ACTIONS ARE POINTLESS IF NO ONE NOTICES
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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