Article 168916 of rec.humor:
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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Subject: Life 9.8
Message-ID: [cate3D43nIE.CM0@netcom.com]
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 15:39:50 GMT
Lines: 546
Sender: cate3@netcom10.netcom.com
Date: 18 Jan 93 12:26:31 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life 9.8
----------------------------------------------------
The following are selections I've pulled from rec.humor.funny
--------------------------
From: twhalen@willamette.edu (Timothy Whalen)
I believe "Perot" is french for "none of the above".
--------------------------
From: jfw@technix.technix.mn.org (Jerry Wallace)
Q. How many Perot supporters does it take to change
a light bulb?
A. No one knows, he keeps pulling the chair out from
under them.
--------------------------
From: good@pixar.com (Craig Good)
Presidential Debate
A question is asked of three presidential candidates:
Q: What color is the sky?
Bush: Why, the sky is blue, of course. And it should stay
blue. Blue is the sky's best color. But that's not
a commitment.
Clinton: I have seen the sky, and have been deeply touched by
it. While the sky appears to be blue today, I would
support the sky equally if it were any other color.
Perot: Now, I don't think it really matters what color the
sky is, Larry. Because I look all around me and all
I see is red ink, and I want to fix that.
--------------------------
From: steele@ticipa.mtc.ti.com
Perot Quits Again
Heard from a Dallas real estate agent:
"Have you heard that Ross Perot is quitting from the Presidential race again?"
"It seems that Margot (his wife) doesn't want to move to a smaller house."
[The Perots live in a very large mansion surrounded with a high wall.
Just the wall and its builtin security reportedly cost a million dollars.]
--------------------------
From: pdchapin@unix.amherst.edu (PAUL D CHAPIN)
Trick or treat costumes/activities for 1992.
Ross Perot - Cut a paper plate and half. Tape one half to each side of
your head for ears. Buy your own candy.
Bill Clinton - At each house promise to bring them candy in two weeks.
George Bush - Two alternatives here. 1) Spend the entire night in a
different neighborhood. 2) Stay home and do nothing. In either case, don't
hand out any candy but tell people they should be thankful for whatever candy
they did get.
--------------------------
From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Heard on A&E's Evening at the Improv:
There's a new 976 number called "976-PAST LIVES"
For $5 a minute, you can call and find out what you
were in a past life.
When I got the bill, I found out what I was......
The village idiot!
--------------------------
From: ram@burn.smsc.sony.com
This actually happened to a coworker:
After attending a seminar held by a famous Redmond, Washington
software company, my coworker attempts to get a taxi. He finds one
and the taxi driver is of one the talkative type. The cabbie says
something to the effect of "You know, I just don't understand it. All
week I've been picking people up here. I see them lounging around,
eating lunch in the sun and they just don't look like construction
workers". He is puzzled but soon gets the real answer. The cabbie
says "I see all of these signs about WINDOWS but these people just
don't look like the kind of people who'd be putting up buildings".
--------------------------
From: irilyth@fenris.claremont.edu (Josh Smith)
Mailing lists
Here at Harvey Mudd, back in the Bad Old Days, we foolishly purchased a
PR1ME, but once we'd seen the error of our ways, we managed to rid ourselves
of the damned thing. We subsequently asked various software and hardware
vendors if they would please take us off their mailing lists, as we no
longer owned the machine in question. It took a few rounds of asking at some
places, because these companies are always loathe to delete you from their
databases... Well, someone fairly clueless at one of these companies must
have eventually ended up sitting in front of a computer with our request in
his or her hand, because we recently received a solicitation addressed as
follows:
HARVEY MUDD COLLEGE
DO NOT CALL/WRITE THIS CUSTOMER
260 E. FOOTHILL BLVD.
CLAREMONT, CA 91711
The truly scary part was that the mailing was not from a company that we had
ever heard from before. Yet another good reason not to buy other people's
mailing lists...
--------------------------
From: ss2q+@andrew.cmu.edu (Steve Slominski)
This morning I had the following telephone conversation with a federal
employee who shall remain nameless:
He: Okay, so I'll fax you fifteen to twenty copies of this flyer.
Me: Umm... why don't you just send us one and I'll make the copies?
He: Well, I was going to fax it to you on yellow paper...
--------------------------
Logicians' jokes
From: lnd@csa.bu.edu (Levin)
Heard at 1992 Europ. Summer Meeting of Assn. of Symb. Logic. Author unknown.
1. A logician saves the life of a space alien and is rewarded with an offer to
answer any question. After a thought he asks: What is the best question to ask
and the correct answer to it? After a brief panic the alien consults her
computer and says: The best question to ask is the one you just did and the
correct answer to it is the one I gave.
2. In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
But, in practice, there is.
3. Profound Truth differs from simple truth in that the negation of a simple
truth is a simple falsehood, while the negation of a Profound Truth may be
another Profound Truth. E.g. a button with "Life is just as simple as it seems"
on one side and "Life is not as simple as it seems" on the other.
--------------------------
Lost Gas Cap
From: johnc@msc.edu (John D. Cavanaugh)
This is a true story ...
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas
station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had
left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure
enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that
other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth
going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't
find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure
enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He
tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that
fits. And this one's even better because it locks ..."
--------------------------
Dinosaurs
From: jbh55289@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Josh 'K' Hopkins)
There's an exhibit called "Dinosaurs Alive" going around the country. It stops
in various malls for a few weeks and little kids come see the moving dinosaur
models, read about them, etc. Apparently one group in Tennesee has decided to
sue the producers of the exhibit for misleading advertising. They were very
upset to discover that they weren't showing "real" dinosaurs.
--------------------------
From: V120QLDP@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (PATRICK FERREL)
government mathematics
This is original and a true story.
Today in my Mathematics class we were talking about infinity as a limit. One
student had trouble understanding this problem:
5x - 3
lim ------
x-]oo 2
6x - 2.
The answer is zero. The professor simplified the fraction by dividing the
numerator and denominator by 1/x which effectively produced this:
5
lim --
x-]oo 6x
The student still did not understand why the limit was 0. So my professor
decided to go through it very, very slowly. He said, "What do you get when you
substitute 10 million for x? 60 million, correct? What is 5 over 60 million?
A very small number, correct?" The class nodded in agreement. He then said,
"What do you get when you substitute 100 million for x? 600 million, correct?
What is 5 over 600 million? An even smaller number, correct?" Again the class
nodded in agreement. My professor decided the coup-de-grace would be to choose
the largest number he could think of. "What if x is an even bigger number,
say, the National Deficit? What is 6 times the National Deficit?"
I couldn't help but say, "Next year's National Deficit!"
--------------------------
From: carlo@nu.uchicago.edu (Carlo Graziani)
Cross-disciplinary data analysis
I got to thinking about how one might characterize the differences
between various academic disciplines, and it occurred to me that
the style of data analysis that prevails in the field would be a good
measure. For example:
Economists draw straight lines through two points.
Psychologists draw straight lines through one point.
Sociologists do not require any points to draw straight lines.
Botanists can accumulate as many as 1.0E+09 points without drawing
any lines.
Theoretical physicists use as many line segments as necessary to
connect the points that they have.
--------------------------
From: gainer@procase.com (Mike Gainer)
Cold call sales humor
[ Told as true by Larry ]
Larry recieves a call from XYZ Aluminum Siding company, acts very
interested, keeps sales-type on the phone for quite a while. Finally,
he agrees to let them come out and give him a free estimate. XYZ
salesman was kinda irate once he'd located Larry's home... in the
mobile home park.
--------------------------
From: ronnyk@cs.stanford.edu (Ronny Kohavi)
Why God Never Received Tenure at the University
I got this from Alon Efrat at the Technion, Isarel.
Why God Never Received Tenure at the University
-----------------------------------------------
1. Because He had only one major publication.
2. And it was in Hebrew.
3. And it had no references.
4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. And some even doubt He wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world but what has He published/done
since ?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to repeat
His results.
--------------------------
From: aahz@netcom.com (Aahzmandius)
Sometimes you want to hang up
I work in tech support, and after back-to-back calls on the exact same
subject, I came up with the following:
Question: What's the difference between a stupid caller and an
intelligent caller?
Answer: About half an hour.
--------------------------
From: stokes@unix1.cs.umass.edu (Dave Stokes)
Russian Roulette
On an out-of-order vending machine in the lobby of the building in which I
work, there was this sign, written in black magic marker on a piece of white
lined paper:
STOP!
will give you no money
and no change!!
Below this, someone had added in blue ball-point:
Sounds like the "new" Russia!
--------------------------
From: ginsberg@cs.stanford.edu (Matthew L. Ginsberg)
world knowledge of high school students, true
Heard on the news this morning:
A suvery was taken of high school students recently, asking them to
explain what "Chernobyl" is.
Over half explained that it is Cher's full name.
--------------------------
From: michael.feeley@satalink.com (Michael Feeley)
Election Day Tale
A tale from my first experience as a poll worker last
Tuesday:
On Election Day the sash cord broke on one of the voting
machines in the precinct where I was working as a poll
worker. The curtain couldn't be closed to permit a secret
ballot. The Judge of Elections took the machine out of
service and sent for a techinician who arrived an hour later
and spent about 10 minutes working on the machine. As he
came out of the polling station another poll worker asked:
"Well, is the machine fixed?"
The technician replied as he hurried on to his next
assignment: "Now, now, we don't like to use the 'F-word' on
Election Day. The word is 'repaired'."
--------------------------
From: KSTE@vm.cc.purdue.edu ( Kerry Stephenson)
insurance
Heard Alan King tell this on an Ed Sullivan retrospective:
The other day my house caught fire. The insurance agent said, "Shouldn't
be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and
theft."
Insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."
Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if
the house is robbed WHILE it's burning down.
--------------------------
From: 0005115790@mcimail.com (John N. Ecker)
Thanksgiving Cookery
I heard Jeff Smith, aka The Frugal Gourmet, read this on the air.
Apparently a letter from a viewer:
"I have had my turkey in the freezer for a year and a half. Will it
take longer to thaw?"
--------------------------
From: rpw@bodhi.cs.virginia.edu
So I get on a flight yesterday, and I'm sitting next to the emergency
exit, so there are lots of extra instructions for me on a placard stuck
to the back of the seat in front. This is the first line:
"Please contact a USAir Express crewmember if you are not able
to read, speak, or understand english, or are unable to
understand the graphic directions or crew commands."
--------------------------
From: roy_wells@qm.vitalink.com (ROY WELLS)
I was at a conference recently, with a speaker on virtual reality, and
he was asked if two people working on a virtual reality system could
design a mountain, then climb it.
"Yes," he replied. "But you wouldn't."
"Why not?"
"Because, IT ISN'T THERE!"
--------------------------
From: belboz@frc2.frc.ri.cmu.edu (Barry Brumitt)
Warning! Do not read this article
Here are some actual quotes from labels on packing of common household
products.
[These are culled from rec.pets.... - Barry]
=-=-=
I was rather amused at the information written on the bag [of JONNY
CAT, cat litter].
The best has to be: "JONNY CAT is the best value for your money. A 20 lb.
bag of JONNY CAT contains 25% more litter than 16 lb. bags, and 43% more
than 14 lb. bags!"
Other importanant info:
"100% natural clay mined from a rare deposit makes Jonny Cat
especially absorbent."
AND THEN they have a section for "Other Uses" of Jonny Cat:
"GARAGE SPILLS-sweeps up oil and grease and reduces stains"
"TRASH CANS-a layer on the bottom reduces odors and discourages flies"
"REFRIGERATORS- an inexpensive nontoxic odor absorbent"
"GARDENS-enhances water retention and soil aeration, promotes growth"
All this from a cat litter! Who could ask for more!
=-=-=
As I contemplated posting this, I glanced accross my desk at the used
Dr. Pepper bottle, to find ONE MORE little tidbit:
"(!)WARNING: CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE. CAP MAY BLOW OFF CAUSING EYE OR
OTHER SERIOUS INJURY. POINT AWAY FROM PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY WHILE OPENING."
So remember, when you buy Dr. Pepper, be careful! AT ANY MOMENT, WITHOUT
WARNING, it may just explode!
=-=-=
It cracks me up every time I see a juice
carton, with the words "Serve ice cold" written on it. How else would
you serve ice?
=-=-=
]From a kid's Halloween costume (superman) - stitched into the
cape was a tag saying "Warning: Use of This Device Does Not
Enable Wearer To Fly".
]From a Pop-Tart (TM) box: "Warning: Pastry Filling May Be Hot
When Heated"
]From a newspaper article: "A congressionally-funded study has
determined that many smokers are ignoring the warning labels
on cigarette packages"
]From a hair blow-dryer instruction sheet: "Warning: Do Not
Use While Sleeping"
They never cease to amaze me.
=-=-=
On the package for Top Cog [tm] fan belts (automotive use), the first step of
the instructions tells you not to change the belt while the engine is running.
=-=-=
]From a Boston Globe piece, during a 1973 summer heat wave, describing
ways to "beat the heat."
"No. 1. Stay out of the direct rays of the sun."
=-=-=
And my personal favorite....
Found on the inside of a pull top lid of a liquid radiator sealant:
"Caution: DO NOT LICK LID"
=-=-=
written on the back of one of those things you put in your car windshield
on sunny days when you park to keep your dash from melting:
DO NOT OPERATE VEHICLE WITH SCREEN IN PLACE
=-=-=
from the Indigo Owners Manual p 6-9
Hardware Dos and Don'ts
...
Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw mouse at co-workers.
=-=-=
And my favorite warning appears on a box of those cloth roller towels
in restrooms. It says something like:
Warning! Improper use may cause serious injury or death!
=-=-=
Speaking of injury and death.... I recently bought a radial arm saw,
admittedly a genuinely dangerous product. Of course the manual had
two or three warnings per page about hands, fingers, and arms being
cut off. The one that really suprised me was the warning on one page
about cutting your *leg* off. It took me quite a few days of
pondering to figure out how that could be accomplished, but I haven't
tried it yet. I even figured out one way that you could cut your
*head* off, and there wasn't even a warning about that!
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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