Article 170126 of rec.humor:
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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Subject: Life 9.A
Message-ID: [cate3D4Gnrx.F3B@netcom.com]
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 16:14:21 GMT
Lines: 497
Sender: cate3@netcom14.netcom.com
Date: 1 Feb 93 17:00:34 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life 9.A
----------------------------------------------------
From: ss1@kepler.unh.edu (The Rink)
From 1964:
Reporter: "What do you think of the campaign in Detroit to stamp out the
Beatles?"
Paul McCartney: "We've got a campaign of our own to stamp out Detroit."
----------------------------------------------------
From: chester@tartarus.uwa.edu.au (Craig Abbott)
] ]Newsgroups: aus.radio,aus.jokes
] ]From: richardm@runx.oz.au (Richard Murnane)
] ]Date: Tue, 1 Dec 92 20:22:03 GMT
]
] Recently, I bought the "User's Guide To Radio Australian Inland Map",
] which has lots of useful radio information (Flying Doctor frequencies,
] safe operating areas for CB, etc). One interesting item was the
] inclusion of the following map feature:
]
] "Reserve for Feral Humans
] Emergency services not normally available except as a business transaction.
] Do not enter without money."
]
] Pretty hostile place by the sound of it - so, where would you expect to
] find such a place?
]
] According to this map, the reserves are located in Sydney, Melbourne,
] Perth, Brisbane (for some reason, Darwin is not listed as one).
]
----------------------------------------------------
From Victor Schwartz' mailing list:
--------------------------
(Gleaned from the Letters column in the November issue of Consumer Reports:)
The September report on flashlights reminds me of a statement made by the
late aeronautical engineer Walt Mooney:
"A flashlight is basically a tin can for transporting dead batteries."
MAGALIA, CALIF. B.H.
--------------------------
From Dave Barry on Real Estate Brokers:
Ask any real estate broker to name the three most important factors in
buying a property, and he'll say: "Location, location, location." Now ask
him to name the chief justice of the United States Supreme Court, and he'll
say: "Location, location, location." This tells us that we should not
necessarily be paying a whole lot of attention to real estate brokers.
--------------------------
(From the January 25 issue of NewsWeek magazine:)
Vegetable Visas
Is the European Community actually a Monty Python sketch? A new EC
directive calls for issuing "passports" to houseplants and other vegetable
life. Under the plan, countries will give all shrubs, saplings, trees and
other foliage sold across EC borders (individually or in batches) what are
officially called "plant passports" to confirm they meet health standards.
The term passport is not supposed to be funny: it has been widely
discussed and approved," says one EC agriculture official. Will the
passports have photos? Leafprints? "As far as I know, there is no
provision," says the official. Not yet, anyway.
--------------------------
"I got a new phone ... the first thing I did was hit "redial." The phone
started having a nervous breakdown."
- Steven Wright
--------------------------
(Thanx to Nancy Davis at Tandem for this one:)
An article in Forbes magazine reports:
Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya
using Samburu tribesmen.
The camera closes in on the one tribesman who speaks, in native Maa. As he
speaks, the Nike slogan "Just do it" appears on the screen.
Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinatti, says the
Kenyan is really saying, "I don't want these. Give me big shoes."
Says Nike's Elizabeth Dolan, "We thought nobody in America would know what
he said."
--------------------------
(Time for a trip down "Memory Lane." Let's see how many of you are OLD
enough, and lived in the RIGHT PLACE to remember Captain Video, a TV
program from the early 1950s. (!!!) I still remember how long the
producers of this show stretched out our anxious anticipation of the final
battle between the evil robot ("Tobor") and the good robot (i.e., the one
on "Captain Video's" side.)
(Recalling) a show called "Captain Video", featuring a man named, oddly,
Captain Video, a space pioneer in charge of an extremely low-budget
spaceship that appeared to be made from materials that you might find
around a TV studio. For example, the device he used for communicating back
to Earth was obviously a regular telephone; Captain Video held the handset
as though it were a microphone and talked into the listening end.
While pioneering around the universe, Captain Video kept running into
homicidal space aliens with Russian accents. In my favorite episode, an
alien invented a robot named - get ready for a clever robot name - Tobor,
who looked a lot like a man wearing cardboard boxes covered with Reynolds
Wrap. In the dramatic final scene, the villain orders Tobor to get Captain
Video.
"Attack, Tobor!" says the villain, and Tobor lumbers toward Captain Video.
Things look very bad, but suddenly, at the last instant, with Tobor only
inches away, Captain Video has an idea - a crazy idea, but one that JUST
MIGHT WORK.
"Go back, Tobor!" he says.
And Tobor, who clearly was not in the gifted program at robot school, TURNS
AROUND and starts lumbering toward the villain.
"Attack, Tobor!" says the villain, and Tobor once again goes into reverse
lumber.
"Go back, Tobor!" says the captain, who was probably up all night
memorizing his lines.
For most of the episode Tobor goes back and forth until finally he breaks
down, thus ending the threat, because you know how difficult it is to get a
robot serviced in space.
----------------------------------------------------
From Steve Dobbs' sifting of rec.humor
--------------------------
Murphy's Laws Of Online Support
% The user manuals will contain a virtually unnoticeable error that will
have drastic consequences.
% QA will have missed the killer installation bug.
% If the documentation can be misunderstood, it will be.
% The customer's configuration will be one that you cannot possibly
duplicate. Corollary: This configuration will be one that causes a
catastropic system failure. Converse: If the customer has a configuration
identical to yours in every detail, you will still not be able to
duplicate the problem.
% If your product is part of a system that contains somebody else's
product, they will blame all of the problem on your product and tell
the customer to call you. Corollary: if your product is being used
with somebody else's product and you call them up for help, they will
refuse to talk to you, and possibly even refer you back to yourself.
% If the problem fixes itself, it will be back with a vengeance later.
% If the customer obtains a wrong number and calls you by mistake, he
will invariably be a flaming SOB who will demand that you fix his
problem anyway.
% The fix you send out will introduce even worse problems.
% The customer will have an obsolete product for which there are no
documents, knowledge, or working examples left in the plant. Corollary:
obsolete products come as systems.
% If your product works on somebody else's system, they will invariably
make a minor change that will render your product -- and only your
product -- completely incompatible.
% Minor design changes in the product will cause intolerable compatibility
issues for the customers. Corollary: The lab didn't tell anyone about
them.
% All previous support people who have dealt with the customer will have
provided misinformation whose disastrous effects you must now undo.
% The problem will vanish when you arrange for a field person to make a
customer visit.
% The customer will tell you everything in great detail except for the
single significant fact that will solve the problem. Corollary: the
customer will give you misinformation that will turn a problem that has
an immediate answer into an agonizing marathon troubleshooting session.
% The lab engineer whose help you desperately need will regard support people
as an inferior species and have less concept of a customer than he does of
a scaly pangolin.
% If manufacturing has two unrelated products whose subassemblies can be
transposed in packaging, they will be.
% The customer will have a lisp, a thick accent, a bad connection, an
agonizing stammer, or all of the above.
% The information required to fix the problem can only be obtained from a
lab engineer who never wrote anything down, and has either forgotten it
all or has left the organization.
% The problem that is impossible to solve will be the sticking point on a
multimillion-dollar deal.
% The replacement part is always impossible to get. Corollary: there may
be plenty of them around but the paperwork won't be set up to obtain them.
Second corollary: Equivalent parts, aren't.
----------------------------------------------------
Thomas Q.M. Nhan sifted the following gems out of rec.humor
[mnhan@u.washington.edu]
--------------------------
From: rdc@netcom.com (MR. COMMUNIST)
Rec.Arts.Startrek.Current Endorses Ross Perot
Boston (AP) -- Today it was announced that
rec.arts.startrek.current has endorsed
Independent Presidential Candidate H. Ross
Perot.
The news came late yesterday, after the
3rd presidential debate. In a press
conference held that evening, Seth Meyers
of Star Trekkies of America said, "We were
having a hard time deciding on either
George Bush and his Star Wars Plan or Ross
Perot and his Electronic Town Hall."
The deciding factor came when,"Perot
courageously used the term 'Warp Speed' in
reference to the economy. You gotta love
him, even dispite his Furengi appearence."
said Mr. Meyers.
--------------------------
What does DNA stand for?
A: National Association of Dixlexia
----------------------------------------------------
Dani Zweig sifted the following gem out of rec.humor
dani@netcom.com
--------------------------
JOKE LIST: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD
From: $ennsnr@brandonu.ca (To be average scares the hell out of me)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian
biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly
relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross.
If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost,
the chicken would be lost!
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on,
but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest.
Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.
----------------------------------------------------
The following is stuff Leif Bennett collected in the mid 80s
--------------------------
I've followed you, talked to your neighbours, tapped your phone,
and even shot at you to see how you would react. From my observations
I have come to one irrefutable conclusion: You are Paranoid.
--------------------------
From: Kurt Piersol
At one point, the Illustrious Feghoot was called in to help a
struggling humanoid race on Phi-Omega 9. Their problem was
desperate indeed. You see, virtually all of the land mass of
the planet was composed of a series of very high mesas and plateaus.
The rain, rather than falling on the top of the plateaus, would
be expended on the sides. This made farming virtually impossible,
so the hapless humanoids were trapped in the stone age, neither
able to farm effectively nor develop the technology to irrigate
the high mesas.
Of course, the poor aliens called upon Ferdinand Feghoot, the
illustrious time traveller and philanthropist, to aid them.
Upon arriving, Feghoot looked over the situation and immediately
hit upon a solution. He instructed the aliens to dig a trench up
the side of the closest platuea, and sent off to Earth for 90
tons of pickles. Once the aliens had ceased digging, Feghoot had
them lay the pickles side by side, end to end, aong the entire
length of the trench. Immediately the water began to flow up the
trench and onto the plateau.
The aliens were astounded. "We knew you were a brilliant man, but
this is beyond our wildest dreams. We do not understand, though,
why the water flows uphill simply because of the presence of pickled
cucumbers. What makes this amazing thing occur?"
Feghoot, with a condescending but genial air, replied, "Simple,
my boy. We've known it on Earth for centuries. Indeed, every
school child knows that 'Dill Waters run Steep'"
--------------------------
From: Michel Denber.wbst
Let me tell you about Geico. I used to work for Geico. We spent
one Friday afternoon ripping up a million premium notices because
they had run the billing program twice and they were afraid two
sets would get mailed. They kept their payroll on punch cards
because the president didn't trust magnetic media, like how do you
know anything's *really* there if you can't see the little holes.
They decided to solve the overcrowded parking lot problem by
repainting the lines closer together. It was great - now you could
drive right into a spot, but then you couldn't open the door. They
had a real big fast IBM 370-168. It ran in 1401 emulation mode
because nobody dared change the programs for fear they'd never work
again. I got to know the operator - he used to tell me how he was
practicing sleeping with his eyes open, in case his supervisor came
around unexpectedly. We had about 200 programmers working in
minicubes in one big room (sort of like Henrietta, only worse (if you
can imagine such a thing)). They called me "the Brain" because I had
been to college. At 4:59 P.M. people would put their coats on and
start milling about near the entrance to their cubes. At 5:00 P.M.
the bell would ring (like in high school) and everybody would stampede
for the doors. At 5:00:20 P.M. the place was empty.
I insure my car with State Farm.
--------------------------
From: John A. McNelly
To make this a legit message, the following may be offensive to
members of the Michigan state legislature.
From the Wall Street Journal, 3/19/86.
Each of these statements (including the one in the subject) was
made by a (different) Michigan state legislator in a public forum
and heard by at least two reporters.
"Before I give you the benefit of my remarks, I'd like to know
what we're talking about."
"There comes a time to put principle aside and do what's right."
"I don't see anything wrong with saving human life.
That would be good politics, even for us."
"This bill goes to the very heart of the moral fiber of human anatomy."
"It's a step in the right direction, it's the answer,
and it's constitutional, which is even better."
"Some of our friends wanted it in the bill, some of our friends
wanted it out, and Jerry and I are going to stick with our friends."
"From now on I'm watching everything you do with a fine-tooth comb."
"The chair would wish the members would refrain from talking about the
intellectual levels of other members. That always leads to problems."
"Mr. Chairman, fellow members and guests. That's a goddamn lie."
"I don't think people appreciate how difficult it is to be a pawn of labor."
"This state's atypical. We've got some real weird ducks and
I think that's reflected in this senate, with all due respect."
"Let's violate the law one more year."
"Mr. Speaker, what bill did we just pass?"
--------------------------
From: Unke.Henr
(An ad parody)
CAN WE HAVE AN OPEN DEBATE ABOUT
WHETHER SMOKING CAUSES FOREST FIRES?
The issues that surround smoking in the woods and forest fires are so
complex, and so emotional, it's hard to debate them objectively.
Over the years, you've heard so often that smoking in the woods causes
forest fires -- and so little challenging these reports -- that you may
assume that the case is closed.
Studies that conclude that smoking in the woods causes forest fires
have regularly ignored major arguments and findings to the contrary.
For example, many people who smoke in the woods never cause forest
fires, and some forest fires occur even if no one smokes. So how can
smoking possibly be a cause of forest fires?
Besides, if no one was there to see the fire start, and the fire
burned the cigarette that supposedly started it, how can we be sure
that a cigarette was the cause?
The evidence about smoking being a cause of forest fires is
merely statistical. Simply because a large number of forest fires
start where smokers throw their matches or cigarettes doesn't prove
that the smoking actually caused the fire.
Many of the independent scientists who work for us or who hope to
receive our large grants believe that the issue is far from clear,
and that more open debate and research are needed. That's why we
spend millions of dollars each year on research to see if smoking
in the woods can possibly cause forest fires.
During the coming months we will discuss a number of other key
questions related to smoking in the woods and fires.
Some of the things we will say may surprise you, just as some of
the things we said in this ad probably surprised you. We're even
surprised that we had the gall to say them.
But we won't shy away from saying them, no matter how illogical
they are, because, quite frankly, that's our whole point.
We believe that if we say these things often enough, some people
will believe them. And that we can make any issue into a
controversy by spending enough money for large ads like this.
That's why we maintain that there are lots of unanswered questions
and no simple answers about any issue that affects our profits.
In future ads we'll try to convince you that smoking in bed doesn't
cause fires, and that smokers are more likely to go to heaven.
Please keep an open mind about our ad campaign. The best way to do
that is to be sure that your mind is empty.
J. R. Renegade Tobacco Company
[This ad parody was prepared as a public service by
Action on Smoking and Health (ASH), 2013 H Street,
Washington DC 20006. Permission to reprint is cheerfully granted]
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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