Article 173400 of rec.humor:
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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Subject: Life 9.G
Message-ID: [cate3D5LBEo.4JE@netcom.com]
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Date: Fri, 17 Mar 1995 15:08:47 GMT
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Sender: cate3@netcom17.netcom.com
Date: 15 Mar 93 17:31:00 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life 9.G
----------------------------------------------------
The following are selections from rec.humor.funny:
--------------------------
From: chrisk@gss.com (Chris Kessel)
No corruption in a democracy
I was reading the manual for the computer game Civilization and on p.44
it says:
"Democracy is very similar to The Republic. One difference is that under
Democracy there is no corruption."
One has to wonder how much research they did on the various governments....
--------------------------
From: shallit@graceland.uwaterloo.ca (Jeffrey Shallit)
the "mother of all rejection slips"
The Humanist Association of Canada Spring 1992 Newsletter
contains the following item:
For writers only -- Every writer has received rejection
slips; too many of them for most. The "Financial Times"
has quoted the "mother of all rejection slips", translated
from a Chinese economic journal. It goes like this:
We have read your manuscript with boundless delight. If
we were to publish your paper, it would be impossible for
us to publish any work of lower standard. And as it is
unthinkable that in the next thousand years we shall see
its equal, we are, to our regret, compelled to return your
divine composition, and to beg you a thousand times to
overlook our short sight and timidity.
--------------------------
From: Allan.Meers@ebay.sun.com (Allan Meers - Sun Education)
Biosphere 2
At a Sun Networking and Performance class last week in Phoenix,
Arizona the students were trying to explain to the instructor
what the Biosphere-2 environmental project was, describing
it as a self-contained long-term living/working structure
for a small team of people.
The instructor asked,
"So you mean that these people go into this BS2 building,
which is loaded with high-tech stuff, and live and
work there for months and years at a time without
ever going outside ? "
"Where I come from, we call that a computer room".
--------------------------
From: dswartz@lectroid.sw.stratus.com (Dan Swartzendruber)
A friend of my dad's works for a US relief agency in Ethiopia.
Recently he went to ship a package out of the country. He was
surprised to hear the clerk tell him that he needed
an export license to ship it, since he'd never needed one before.
He quickly decided that the clerk wanted to be, ahem, greased,
so he pulls out the local equivalent of a $10 bill
and says "Here's an export license. It even has the
president's picture on it." Without missing a beat, the clerk
fires back "I'm sorry sir, that form must be submitted in
triplicate!" He winces and delves into his wallet again...
--------------------------
From: konradt@mace.cc.purdue.edu (Thomas Konrad)
]From the Christian Science Monitor, Sept. 22, '92
The author of the article was John Dillin
William Bennett recalls when one of his "radical students" at
Boston University announced that he and his girlfriend were getting
married for "as long as we feel good about each other." It seemed
rather temporary to Dr. Bennett, so for a wedding present, he says,
"I gave them paper plates."
--------------------------
From: roper@chinet.chi.il.us (Bill Roper)
A joke making the rounds of my friends...
Q: Why was baby Jesus born in a stable?
A: His parents were in an HMO.
--------------------------
From: abennett@athena.mit.edu
Courtesy of the Massachusetts Historical Society:
TOP TEN REASONS THE BRITISH LOST THE COLONIES
10. Hard to shoot straight with sissified powdered wig falling in your eyes.
9. Wanted to just lose New Jersey but got carried away.
8. Colonists on steroids.
7. Spent too much time guessing who's gay in the royal family.
6. Their diet: tea and crumpets. Our diet: raw squirrel meat and whiskey.
5. Serious problems with snuff abuse.
4. Lots of painful poking accidents trying to put on those pointy hats
of theirs.
3. We had Batman.
2. Wanted to get first draft choice.
1. Uninspiring battle cry: "Let's win this for our swishy inbred monarch!"
--------------------------
From: gisle@ifi.uio.no (Gisle Hannemyr)
This actually happened (I was there!):
It was a user group meeting where the CEO of a computer manufacturer
I-can-not-name had taken the "hot seat" to answer questions from his
customers. This year, the users had experienced more than their
normal quota of unfulfilled promises, unstable hardware and buggy
software, so the session got pretty hot with dozens of irate customers
flaming the CEO because his mis-engineered systems was the main source
of misery in their lives.
In a misguided attempt to soften the mood, the CEO had brought with
him a huge box of pens -- imprinted with the logo and the motto of his
company -- and placed them at the exit. He concluded the session by
pointing to the box and stating that whoever wanted a special
commemorative ball-point pen should help themselves. None of the
users did. They just bustled out of the auditorium ignoring this
gift.
In frustration the CEO grabbed the microphone and shouted: "Hey, it's
free pens here! Anybody want a free pen?" He was answered immediately
by a loud voice from the back of the auditorium: "Nobody here believes
they'll work!"
--------------------------
From: kbs@cs.utexas.edu (Kenneth Brian Samuel)
My friend says this is true. He was at an airport recently and heard
this announcement.
"Will the members of the school for the deaf please report to the
information desk..."
--------------------------
From: KSTE@vm.cc.purdue.edu ( Kerry Stephenson)
Q. How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
A. On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
--------------------------
From: thompsn@ccu.umanitoba.ca (Adam Thompson)
(Note: In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonalds serves beer.)
A German tourist walks into a McDonalds in New York, and orders a beer.
The guy in the line behind him immediately tells him:
"They don't serve _BEER_ here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt pretty stupid until he realized:
that meant the guy behind him was there for the food!
--------------------------
From: warren-matthew@cs.yale.edu (Matthew S. 'Opie' Warren)
A true story; happened right here, not apocryphal.
In my college dorm we play 'Assassin,' like lots of students. Unlike most
people, though, we use Silly String(tm) instead of water pistols, so that
if you hit your target there's never an argument about whether you really
hit them because, well, they're covered with Silly String(tm).
But for those two weeks you carry your Silly String(tm) everywhere, even
into classrooms where you're automatically safe. So, there I was in this
Psychology class with my friend, and we were kind of holding our Silly
String at the ready while the professor lectured.
The class was Psychology of Group Behavior, and the professor was talking
out our next assignment, which concerned group norms. (Group norms are
the unspoken rules of a group, i.e. you don't grab someone else's
dining-hall tray and start eating off it). She was telling us the project,
which is to violate a group norm blatantly and intentionally, and then
write a little two-page paper about it.
And my crazy friend gets up, walks down the aisle and gets up on the stage
with the professor, and proceeds to cover her in Silly String(tm).
Needless to say everyone figured out what was going on, and the applause
brought down the house.
He only got a B-plus on the paper, though. Go figure.
--------------------------
From: hitz@cuhhca.hhmi.columbia.edu (The Duck of Death)
I just moved to NYC to attend graduate school @ Columbia University.
We got a bunch of pamphlets and booklets giving advice on how to live and act
in NY.
One of the pieces of advice: (Seriously!)
"Do not pick a fight with someone wielding a weapon..."
My only thought was, "Thanks."
--------------------------
From: susan@fwi.uva.nl (Susan M. Uskudarli)
Found an interesting recipe in "Cook Book: Favorite
Recipes From our Best Cooks", which is a collection
of recipes from the community of Edina, Minnesota.
This recipe was submitted by a youth Minister.
-----
BACHELOR SALAD
1 head lettuce 1 bottle salad dressing
(any kind - not Roquefort)
Wash head of lettuce over sink, pour dressing
intact on head of lettuce, eat over sink - no
cleaning, no dishes, no silverware!
--------------------------
From: ilana@niwot.scd.ucar.edu (Ilana Stern)
Christmas is when kids tell Santa Claus what they want, and their parents
end up paying for it.
A deficit is when adults tell the government what they want, and their
kids end up paying for it.
--Heard on the radio, attributed to former Colorado governor Richard Lamm.
--------------------------
From: jvbutera@grad04.math.ncsu.edu (Jeffrey V. Butera)
It's interesting, the features people dream up in this
age of technology....
We have a Sun SPARC laser printer which even has a feature
to print error messages like : "Printer low on toner" on a
piece of paper, in addition to those idiot lights on the
front panel.
The best was last week: I was printing and noticed the printer
stopped and on came an indicator light. I looked and realized it
was out of paper. So I reloaded it, and sure enough, out comes
the next page with:
"Printer out of paper."
--------------------------
From: alex@ipac.caltech.edu
This guy is at a train station and he has half an hour to kill so he's
bored and he's wandering around and he sees one of thsoe old-fashioned
scales which gives you a fortune. So he thinks, what the heck, and he
goes over to it and puts in a quarter and stands on it, and a card pops
out which says "your name is David Roth, you're Jewish, and you
weight 162 pounds". And as it happens, his name _is_ David Roth and he
_is_ Jewish, and he is totally amazed. So he goes over to the ticket
window, and asks the teller if he can give the scale a try, so the
teller stands on it and his card says "you're name is Richard Miller,
you're half Irish, and you weigh 190 pounds." and the teller assures
him that this is correct. And they are both really amazed and puzzled,
so they wander arund the station looking for someone to fool the scale.
They finally find a guy who is half russian and half australian
aborigine, and has a wooden arm. And this guy stands on the scale puts
in his quarter, and his card reads "your name is sergei Goolagong, you
have a wooden arm, you're half russian and half australian aborigine,
and you weight 193 pounds". And they are all flabbergasted. So David
Roth (the first guy) gets really puzzled and tries to figure out how to
fool the scale, so he remembers a friend of his who is one quarter
lithuanian, one quarter american indian, one quarter german and one
quarter hottentot, and is a midget" So he drives off to find her , and
she agrees to come stand on the scale, and when she does, she puts in a
quarter and gets a card which says "your name is Moonbeam Steiner, you
are a midget, you are one quarter lithuanian, one quarter american
indian, one quarter german and one quarter hottentot,
and you weigh 103 pounds". So David Roth thinks for a while and then
says, wait, get back on the scale. So she does, and then he stands on
the scale next to her, and he puts in a quarter. And out pop _two_
cards. One says "your name is Moonbeam Steiner, you are a midget, you
are one quarter lithuanian, one quarter american indian, one quarter
german and one quarter hottentot, and you weigh 103 pounds". The other
card says "your name is David Roth, you're Jewish, you weigh 162
pounds, and you just missed your train"
--------------------------
From: JNIGRIN@opie.bgsu.edu (Jon Nigrine)
I was trying out one of those grammar checking programs the other day.
It came upon the expression "not at all" in my document and issued
the following advice:
"not at all" -- Wordy expression. Consider "not" or "by no means"
instead.
I chose to ignore this sage counsel, especially the second part.
Then, later in the document, the program said:
"by no means" -- wordy expression. Consider "not" or "not at all"
instead.
--------------------------
From: mcrae@husc.harvard.edu
A recent joke in this group reminded of one that my physics professor
used to tell:
THE CHEMIST'S RULE:
Never take more than three data points. There will
always be some kind of graph paper on which they fall
in a straight line.
THE CHEMIST'S RULE, FIRST COROLLARY:
If you have only one kind of graph paper, never take
more than two data points.
--------------------------
From: kenneth@leland.Stanford.EDU (Kunal Saurov Bagchi)
I found one more less than needed warning :
I bought a powerstrip to plug in computer products and the warning on the inside of the box said :
"Do not operate under water."
Damn, they take all the fun out of these things ...
--------------------------
From: csh@ulysses.att.com Charles S. Harris
My alert colleague Bill Infosino pointed out the following
passages in the latest issue of "The Right Match: A Magazine
of Career Management," published by AT&T Corporate Career
Systems/Employee Development (from an article that originally
appeared in "Working Woman," July 1992):
Jobs Built to Last
THE 25 HOTTEST CAREERS
America may be slow getting back on its economic feet, but
we have definitely sniffed change in the air....The careers
we've chosen are built for endurance--beyond the end of the
year, into the next century....
Second on the list is:
Bankruptcy Attorney
--------------------------
From: ewa@cs.ucsd.edu (Eric Anderson)
Everyone should order their software from INMAC. Special offer on the
back page of the Sept/Oct 1992 catalog:
90-Day Software Guarantee
Open & try it up to 90 days. If it's right
for you, we'll give you your money back.
--------------------------
From: dm@think.com (dave mankins)
spotted in a recent _New Scientist_ article on ``the paperless
office'':
A modern US Navy cruiser now requires 26 tons of manuals.
This is enough to affect the vessel's performance.
--------------------------
From: tvaughan@buphyk.bu.edu (tvaughan)
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
--------------------------
From: joshua@veritas.com (Joshua Levy)
SUN [microsystems] is chuckling over a recent robbery in Silicon
Valley: seems the thieves broke into a place and ripped off five
Sun workstations, bypassing the new HP 700s and using a 705 as
a door stop.
found in UnigramX Issue 405
--------------------------
From: gat@robotics.jpl.nasa.gov (Erann Gat)
Saw this advertisement on one of the jobs newsgroups:
ACADEMIC VACANCIES AT MONASH UNIVERSITY
DEPARTMENT OF CIVIL ENGINEERING
MONASH UNIVERSITY (Clayton Campus)
MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA
Position 1: LECTURER IN CONCRETE
--------------------------
From: schunix!sonix@transfer.stratus.com (Duane Morin)
Working in a software store, we tend to see just about every incarnation of
silly user stories that you could imagine. Well, we decided that this one
was our favorite:
A customer, a somewhat middle aged lady I'd suppose, has been
browsing for awhile, picking up assorted packages, reading the backs, and
putting them down. I assume she's looking for a gift, so I figure when she
sees something that tickles her fancy she'll ask me for my opinion or
something, so I let her browse. A little while later, she brings a package
or two up to the register. "All set?" I ask, waiting to throw in a sales
pitch or something about the games she's picked out.
"I think so, yes." she answers. "Now, do you need a *computer* to
work these?"
--------------------------
From: mha@baka.ithaca.ny.us (Mark Anbinder)
[Paraphrased from an Associated Press report]
One of the passengers on the Lufthansa flight that was recently hijacked
from Germany to New York's Kennedy Airport took the unexpected trip in
stride. He asked for... and was granted... the frequent-flier mileage
credit for the trip to New York and back. The flight was several thousand
miles longer than originally planned.
--------------------------
From: sinteur@ooc.uva.nl (John Sinteur)
This happened when I was in the army.
[a truck driver calling in in the middle of the night]
"The mirror on the left door of my truck is broken"
"You are calling in the middle of the night just to report THAT?"
"Well, the rest of the vehicle is lying on top of it."
--------------------------
From: paulh@harlqn.co.uk (Paul Hudson)
My youngest daughter just had her first birthday. We bought her a card
with one of those "I am 1" badges. One the back was the disclaimer
"Not suitable for children under three years old"
--------------------------
From: alan@frey.newcastle.edu.au (Alan Hargreaves)
I saw the following ad in The Australian, Wednesday December 9. Looks
like with the advent of competition, Telecom Australia is branching
out and offering other services.
Call
008 052 052
and reduce
your family
and friends
by 10%.
--------------------------
From: sean@msri.org (Sean Brennan)
At my work we have two bins for recycling paper. One is called
"White paper only" and the other is called "Colored paper only"
Needless to say, I later found "Colored paper" scribbled out and
"Paper of Color" written above it.
--------------------------
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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