Date: 24 May 93 18:06:52 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 9.Q
----------------------------------------------------
From ellens@ai.mit.edu (Ellen Spertus)
I went to my first computer conference at the New York
Hilton about 20 years ago. When somebody there predicted
the market for microprocessors would eventually be in the
millions, someone else said, ``Where are they all going to go?
It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!''
Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the
room keys had been replaced by electronic cards you slide
into slots in the doors.
There was a computer in every doorknob.
-- Danny Hillis
----------------------------------------------------
Here's another case of a joke that must have been recycled a dozen times:
President Clinton goes jogging through the
streets of the District. He comes upon a young lad
holding a box. He approaches the lad and says, "Hello."
"Hello, Mr. President," replies the boy.
Astounded that this young fellow recognizes him, the
President asks, "What do you have in the box?"
"They're brand new puppies, Mr. President."
"And what kind of puppies are they?"
"They're brand new, Democratic puppies, Mr. President.
Very tiny and very cute."
Grinning, the President pats the boy on the head and
continues his run.
The next day, the President is joined by his Vice, and
the two come upon the same young boy. The boy again proves
himself to be up on his current affairs by addressing the two,
"Good Morning, Mr. President. Good morning, Mr.
Vice-President."
Prompted by his Executive-in-Chief, Mr. Gore asks the boy
what he has in the box.
"They're puppies, Mr. Vice-President."
Again, prompted, Mr. Gore asks what kind of puppies they
are.
"They're Republican puppies, sir."
Aghast, Mr. Clinton demands to know how these puppies are
now Republican puppies.
"Well, sir, last night they opened their eyes."
----------------------------------------------------
From: John A. Davidson
Heard this from some state employees in Pa.
Why does Hillary get more Secret Service Men than Bill?
Because if she dies HE has to run the country.
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by LBennett:
--------------------------
From: terjej@edb.tih.no (Terje Johansen,o90b)
]From 1940 to 1945, Norway was occuped by Nazi-Germany.
One should not think that humor was much present these
years, but as a matter of fact humor is one of an
occupied country's main defense weapons. Here`s a few
jokes that have survived...
Two Norwegians were walking on the street, talking.
-These days, said the first, I prefer to work for
the Krauts.
-Damn brownshirt! said the other angrily. -What
do you work as, anyway?
-I am a gravedigger, said the other one, smiling...
This is a TRUE story. On Aker Mek, a mechanical warft
in Oslo, the norwegian resistance made Sten guns;
english submachineguns, under the nose of the germans.
They never were caught. Once, a brownshirt became
curious, but he was whispered not to meddle - it
was a secret Kraut-job...
A german officer, less brown than many others, got on
sociable terms with a norwegian, and they sometimes
got to talk on frank terms. On day they were talking
about the V2-weapons that just then were hitting
London.
-Did you know that Hitler has a V3 in his stores too,
to be used if the war goes really bad?
said the officer.
-No, said the other, what kind of weapon is that?
-It is a white flag on a long pole....
War isn't fought to decide who is right
but who is left.
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by
Thomas Nhan [tom@cassandra.chem.washington.edu]
--------------------------
From: pete@carrera.wvus.org (Pete Gregory)
Subject: what if...
Remember when, in the last administration, everyone worried about
"What if something happens to George Bush, so that Dan Quayle should
become President?"... I've got an even scarier scenario for you.
What if something happens to Hillary Clinton? Egads, Bill Clinton
would become President. eeeeeeeek!!
I don't mean to ruin everyone's day....
--------------------------
From: nin15b66@merrimack.edu
I don't know about anyone else, but I got a good laugh out of a coupla of
these.
But it proves to me the value of good communication.
I work in a group that does customer support for our package. One day a
customer called up and said that the system had gone down. So the girl on
support told her to boot the system. Then, you guessed it, we heard CRASH!!!
The customer said "Okay, I just booted the system, and now it's on its side.
Now what?" (ie, the customer kicked it!)
From: 48crowley@cua.edu
Three new bonds were released today, the Quayle Bond,
the Bush Bond, and the Clinton Bond.
The Quayle Bond has no maturity.
The Bush Bond has no interest.
And the Clinton Bond has no principal.
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by Kent Williams:
--------------------------
From: Chris O'Donovan (odonovan@physun.physics.mcmaster.ca)
Did you know that ACME is an acronym?
A
Company that
Makes
Everything
--------------------------
Q: Have you heard about the new Yugo convertible?
A: Researchers how found that if you tow it past 60, the top flies off.
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor Keith Hendrickson:
--------------------------
From: st1ns@elroy.uh.edu
ObJoke: Sign over my computer: graphic of MSWindoze emblem, with
the legend beneath
"...and this is your computer on drugs.
Any questions?"
--------------------------
From: carr@fog.cs.odu.edu
How many Bills players does it take to receive a kickoff?
Two. One to catch the ball, one to tell him to go down.
How many Bills does it take to fumble the ball?
Any of 'em.
What's the difference between Cheerios and the Buffalo Bills?
One of them belongs in a bowl.
--------------------------
From: BMCNULTY@OAVAX.CSUCHICO.EDU
During the 70's gas shortage I drove an old 1951 Chevy pickup that had
a defunct gas gage. The gas tank in those old trucks was a small 10 gallon
job that was located behind the seat.
One morning on my way to work I got about two blocks from home and ran
out of gas. Knowing that I had filled up the day before I was extremely
ticked off at the fact that I had not only been ripped off but was now going to
be late for work. I got more gas, made it to work and back, and the next day
the same thing occurred.
Well, I filled up, went to work, and when I got home I disconnected
the gas tank filler hose at the tank and placed a 5 gallon bucket filled
with a mixture of gasoline and lots of sugar. The next morning, sure
enough, the bucket was empty! I went to work and on the way home bought a
locking gas cap.
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Brian.Gordon@eng.sun.com (Brian Gordon)
--------------------------
From: kc2@doc.ic.ac.uk (K Campbell)
Why doesn't encrypted mean the same as entombed?
--------------------------
From: mehdizadeh@asl.slb.com
The absolute definite best way to catch a fish: have somebody throw it to you.
--------------------------
From: martin.baines@uk.sun.com (Martin Baines - Sun UK - SE Manager Cambridge)
Atlantically Challeneged - Americans*
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
tonyp@cnvxla.convex.com (Tony Podrasky)
--------------------------
From: ag471@yfn.ysu.edu (Eric S. Ford)
A liberal and a conservative found themselves sharing the lodging of an
old fashioned boarding house (one where meals were included). At every
meal the conservative invariably made it to the table ahead of the
liberal and proceeded to grab the largest portion of food for himself.
When he could stand it no longer the liberal declared, "You, sir, are the
rudest and most selfish person I have ever met. It is beyond my
comprehension how you manage it but you always rush to the dinner table
ahead of everyone and take the largest portion. You should be ashamed."
The conservative, taken quite by surprise, pondered a moment and then
replied "Very well, but what would you do in my place?" The liberal,
filled with nobility retorted "Why, I would take the smallest portion and
leave the larger for another." At this the conservative nodded and asked
"Well, since you already got the smallest portion, what are you
complaining about?"
----------------------------
From: Dave Jensen [djensen@claven.idbsu.edu]
Q. How do you identify a Highway Dept. worker's kids on the playground?
A. They're the ones standing around watching the other kids play.
--------------------------
From: robert.lechter@xonxoff.com (Robert Lechter)
The Japanese have just improved upon bungee jumping.
It is now cordless.
--------------------------
From: reid@ucs.indiana.edu (Frank Reid)
NEWS FLASH--
Dr. Jack Kevorkian announced today that Japanese industrial might has
forced him to cease production of suicide machines.
Dr. Kevorkian told reporters, "I just can't compete with the imported
Hara-Karaoke machine, with which the patients sing themselves to death."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by Bob Cherry:
--------------------------
From: singhai@freya.cs.umass.edu (Sharad Singhai)
Malborn sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first
or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" aslked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to
hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
--------------------------
From: stevek@providence (Steven Klitzing)
Q: What's the difference between a rich Klingon and a poor Klingon?
A: The rich Klingon has two shuttle crafts jacked up on his front lawn.
--------------------------
From: "doug powless" [doug.powless@canrem.com]
... Vultures only fly with carrion luggage
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
meo@pencom.com (Miles O'Neal)
--------------------------
If you sat a monkey down in front of a keyboard,
the first thing typed would be a UNIX command. -Bill Lye
--------------------------
From: bjerkej@columbia.dsu.edu (Jon Bjerke)
Q. Why are there so many "Andersons" in the phone book?
A. Because they all have phones.
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Christopher Neufeld [neufeld@helios.physics.utoronto.ca]
--------------------------
From: mye3349@cuphub.cup.edu
--------------------------
Rush Limbaugh on the subject of welfare:
"What's wrong with our safety net is that too many people are
using it as a hammock."
--------------------------
From: mye3349@cuphub.cup.edu
Murphy's Laws of Combat
1.) You aren't Superman. (Freshly graduated recruits from Marine boot camp,
and all fighter piolets, especiall, take note)
2.) Suppressive fires - won't
3.) If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid
4.) Don't look conspicous -- it draws fire ( For this reason aircraft carriers
have been called "Bomb Magnets")
5.) When in doubt empty the magizine
6.) Never forget your weapon was made by the lowest bidder
7.) If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush
8.) No plan survives the first contact, intact
9.) All five second gernade fuses will burn down in three seconds
10.) Try to look unimportant, because the bad guys may be low on ammo
( Triva devotees will recall the sudden disappearence of rank and
distinctive caps on the uniforms worn by Soviet officers in
Afghanistan)
11.) If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short
12.) The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack
13.) The important things are always simple
14.) The simple things are always hard
15.) The easy way is always mined
16.) If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in combat
17.) When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy
18.) Incoming fire has the right of way
19.) No-combat ready group has passed inspection.
( Note: No marine unit has ever failed a combat readiness inspection,
which suggests peacetime inspections are readiness as mess
hall food is cuisine)
20.) If the enemy is in range, SO ARE YOU
21.) Beer Math -] 2 beers time 37 men equals 49 cases
22.) Body count math -] 3 guerrillas plus 1 probale plus 2 pigs equals 37
enemies killed in action
23.) Friendly fire -- isn't
24.) Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped
together
25.) Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support despertly.
(Corollary: Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and
especially during both)
26.) Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing
27.) Make it tough for the enemy to get in, and you can't get out
( This seems to be the guiding design principle behind the
Soviet's BMP and our Bradley infantry vehicle, both of which
nicely package the troops in armored boxes for group distruction)
28.) Tracers work both ways
29.) The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly
fire
30.) If you take more than your share of objectives, you will have more than
your fair share to take
31.) When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they're both right
32.) Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs
33.) Murphy was a grunt
34.) All or any of the above combined
----------------------------------------------------
Some classic quotes gathered by Keith Hendrickson:
Good supervision is the art of getting average people to do superior work.
The Lord gave us two ends - one to sit on and the other to think with.
Success depends on which one we use the most.
.......Ann Landers
One of the quickest ways to meet new people is to pick up the wrong
golf ball on a golf course.
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
......Frank Outlaw
Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what keeps us there.
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
.......Dolly Parton
My grandfather once told me that there are two kinds of people: those who
do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the
first group; there was less competition there.
.....Indira Gandhi
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Oppurtunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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