Date: 1 Jun 93 15:42:23 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life 9.R
----------------------------------------------------
The following are selections from rec.humor.funny:
--------------------------
From: gmw1@cunixa.cc.columbia.edu (Gabe M Wiener)
There is a sign posted in the "Sky Shops" in Heathrow Airport near the
cash register:
This area monitored by closed-circuit TV cameras.
Shoplifters will be prosecuted and will miss their flight.
I wonder which is the worse punishment...
--------------------------
From: friedl@mtndew.tustin.ca.us (Stephen Friedl)
[ original from my brother Mikey ]
Given how many groups are claiming responsibility for the World Trade Center
bombing, here is a bumper sticker that is sure to be popular soon...
_____ imagine a bomb with sparkling fuse
\/
*-------------------------------------------------*
| *** ___\|/_ * * * * |
| * _/_ /|\ * * * * * |
| * / \ * * * * * |
| * ( ) * * * * |
| * \____/ * * * * |
| *** * * * |
*-------------------------------------------------*
--------------------------
From: tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu (trygve lode)
President Bill Clinton has proposed a new far-reaching economic plan that
promises to slash the deficit while eliminating poverty and bringing
prosperity to all Americans. "Soak the rich" is the catchphrase of the day,
but unlike past tax increases which, over the last few decades, have always
worsened the economy, Clinton's plan guarantees to make us all better off
financially than we are today. What's the secret behind the President's plan?
It's so simple that it's amazing that no previous administration had thought
of it--the key to the success of Clinton's economic package is a small but
beautifully elegant provision that requires all publishers of dictionaries to
replace their current, obsolete definitions of words like "rich," "wealthy,"
"affluent," etc., with the new, improved definitions that are even now being
drafted by a select group of Congressional committees, IRS administrators, and
other high-level bureaucrats.
It's too early to say exactly what these new definitions will be--the
currently approved portions of the definitions that will be required to be
included in all subsequently published dictionaries are already in excess of
eight thousand pages in length and are still far from complete--but it looks
like the new definitions will be comprehensive and far-reaching enough that,
once the new plan goes into effect, every single American citizen will be able
to truthfully describe herself as "fabulously wealthy." If you already own a
dictionary, you'll be required to replace the appropriate definitions as well;
for your convenience, change packets will be made available in a variety of
page sizes for a nominal fee.
In a related note, word is that Clinton is preparing a job-creation plan that
will completely eliminate unemployment overnight using a similar approach.
More on this as it develops.
Trygve Lode, 1993
--------------------------
From: kar@cs.rit.edu (Kenneth A Reek)
I worked at a timesharing shop many years ago. One machine ran an
operating system called Micos. When something went wrong, an error number
would be printed on the console. At the end of the manual for this system
was an appendix that described the error numbers in more detail. My
favorite (which was printed when the disk drive crapped out) was:
Error 4: this is definitely a hardware or software error.
--------------------------
From: dsc3ces@bumed10.med.navy.mil (ELF)
Heard on the radio today:
In light of the bombing of the World Trade Center, a seven day
"cooling off" period is being considered for those who
wish to rent Ryder trucks.
--------------------------
From: "sldf3@sol.ee.usu.edu"@cc.usu.edu
I just heard this on the local radio station KBLQ in Logan, Utah.
There is an airport in New Jersey in which they are installing a
horse betting lounge complete with ATM in case you get caught unaware.
The closing quote:
"So now while the airline is losing your luggage, you can lose your
shirt, too."
--------------------------
From: RBARNETT%USMCP6.bitnet@vm.tcs.tulane.edu ( ROBIN BARNETT)
Like most places of employment, our universities copier seems to be out of
order more often than it is in. Therefore, our copy repairman had answered
question after question for us. Finally one day he just smiled and handed
us this sheet:
The COPIER is out of order!
YES--We have called the service man.
YES--He will be in today.
NO--We cannot fix it.
NO--We do not know how long it will take.
NO--We do not know what caused it.
NO--We do not know who broke it.
YES--We are keeping it.
NO--We do not know what you are going to do now.
THANK YOU
--------------------------
From: jjchew@math.toronto.edu
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have
no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations
the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few
minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself
happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a
paper. This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he
had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote,
and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar
anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary
to be significant, let alone funny.
--------------------------
From: gmw1@cunixa.cc.columbia.edu (Gabe M Wiener)
I recently bought one of those large watertight camera cases. The thing is
solid as a tank and is designed to be air-dropped in the jungle, etc. It
comes with a lifetime warranty with the following proviso:
"This warranty excludes damage caused by sharkbite, bear attack,
or children under 5."
--------------------------
From: kanad@eecs.umich.edu (Kanad Chakraborty)
I read this on soc.culture.bangladesh.
During the peace process of UN:
if:
the problem is between a small country and a big country (super power) then
the small country will disappear;
the problem is between two small countries then
the problem will disappear;
the problem is between two big countries then
the UN will disappear.
--------------------------
From: tage@cs.utwente.nl (Tage Stabell-Kulo)
Yesterday I bought a coconut for my 16 year old daughter. I then
realized we have been living too long, to far away from nature.
She said:
"This white stuff inside smells like shampoo."
--------------------------
From: jallen@burner.com (Jason Allen)
The other day on my way to work, I spotted the following sign in front of an
Arby's Restaurant:
SPECIAL TODAY
FRIENDLY SERVICE
I'd hate to go there on any other day...
--------------------------
From: heathh@ugcs.caltech.edu (Heath I Hunnicutt)
A man sends his blonde girlfriend to the store to buy orange juice.
She goes, and returns with the juice, but the trip takes her 3 hours, even
though the store is only a block away.
"What took you so long?" inquried the man.
"Well, " she replied, "I found the juice with no problem, but then
the can said 'concentrate'."
--------------------------
From: glv!witsend!jcelam@concert.net (Cliff Elam)
Bush, Gorbachev, and Mitterand are making small-talk before a meeting about
the world economy.
Mitterand says, "My friends, I am so worried. I have nine mistresses and one
of them is cheating on me."
Then Bush says, "That's terrible, but I have a worse problem. I have nine
cabinet members, and one of them is a KGB agent."
Gorbachev shakes his head sadly and says, "My friends, you don't know what
trouble is. I have nine trusted advisors, and one of them is an economist."
--------------------------
From: mjl@cs.rit.edu (Michael J Lutz)
The Finals Week item, with 50 things to do during a final you
know you will flunk, inspires me to pass along this true story from
RIT. Acknowledgements are due my colleague Ken Reek, and former
graduate student Ed Ford, who together pulled the scam off with
aplomb.
Several years ago, Ken was assigned two sections of a large service
course taken primarily by business students. The final exam was
multiple choice, and had a well-deserved reputation for being easy to
cheat on (one proctor, 250-300 students). Ken was determined to plug
this hole, at least for one term.
One nice thing about such a large class is that no student knows
everyone else who is enrolled. Using this, Ken asked Ed to attend the
final and pretend to take it like everyone else. Ken also told Ed to
be as blatent as possible about cheating.
At the start of the exam, Ken announced that anyone caught cheating
off another student's paper would have his or her exam confiscated and
would fail the course. As the exam progressed, Ed was peering all
around, while Ken periodically called out "eyes on your own paper."
After about three such warnings, Ken bounded up the stairs, crossed to
Ed's seat, grabbed the exam, tore it to shreds, and shouted "You're
outta here!" According to Ken, Ed's facial expression was a perfect
combination of shock and terror.
For the rest of the exam, the room resembled a monastery where monks
were carefully and studiously working on sacred scrolls.
--------------------------
From: amunn@gibbs.oit.unc.edu (Alan Munn)
April 15, 1993 (Special)
The IRS reported today that thousands of Macintosh owners were filing
Form 4868 (Application for Automatic Extension of Time To File U.S.
Individual Income Tax Return).
It seems that they all used MacInTax, and Form 4868 was the only form
that printed out correctly.
--------------------------
From: knauer@cs.uiuc.edu (Rob Knauerhase)
Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day
and ends with cries of "May Day!" ?
--------------------------
From: leecr@microsoft.com (Lee Crocker)
Nerds? Nah, we aren't nerds!
True story from the Seattle Times:
Tower Books of Bellevue, WA (home of a certain software company whose
exact identity I will protect) reported that in its first week of
release, Helen Custer's "Inside Windows NT" outsold Madonna's "Sex"
by 125 to 109.
--------------------------
From: katz@adonis.com (Alan R. Katz)
From: carter@crunch.colorado.edu (Mike Carter)
I was driving the other day at dusk with my parking lights on because I didn't
feel that I needed my `real' lights. At a stoplight, another driver rolled
down his window and told me, "its not a good idea to drive with your parking
lights on, someone might think you are parked and run into you."
--------------------------
From: 70473.1567@compuserve.com (BERTON_CORSON@mcimail.com)
]From Alan Fotheringham, in his column in Maclean's (a Canadian weekly
news magazine) on February 8, 1993. (Posted on CANADA-L list)
Two American matrons, in the 1940's, are doing a railway tour of the
Great White North. Train stops in unknown station. Matron leans out the
window to address a local lout, toothpick in mouth, leaning against the
station, and asks him where she is. "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan", he
offers. She turns to her companion: "Isn't that delightful. They don't
speak English!"
--------------------------
From: Edwin_Hoogerbeets@go.com
A station ID heard on a local rock music station in San Francisco:
"KRQR, home of the million dollar guarantee. You give us a million
dollars, we'll play any song you want. Guaranteed."
--------------------------
From: davidb@ce.washington.edu (David W. Barts)
Last night, I was walking home from the grocery store and I noticed
that the traffic was backed up as if an accident was blocking
the road.
Sure enough, the Metro #73 had managed to skid on the slushy street as
it was trying to turn a corner and had scored a direct hit on a steel
traffic light pole. This was a one-vehicle accident, so it was obvious
who was at fault for it. (In addition, the street was only _slushy_;
as someone who learned to drive in the Rockies it always amazes me how
much trouble a piddling snowfall can cause some people. But I
digress.)
Anyway, right after I walked passed the scene of the accident, the
driver's window opened and a mostly-eaten apple sailed out of it.
I was wondering what on earth was going on, when I looked up and
noticed a message scrolling across the green dot-matrix display
that normally displays the route number and destination:
bus error (core dumped)
--------------------------
From: stachnik@hpcupt1.cup.hp.com (George Stachnik)
Last Sunday, the priest at our local Catholic church began
his sermon with a supposedly true story...
"I was on a plane last week, flying from Chicago
to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.
As it got worse, the passengers became more and more
alarmed, and finally even the stewardesses began to look
concerned. Finally, one of them came over to me and said,
"Father, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you
could... I don't know... 'Do something Catholic?'"
"So I took up a collection."
--------------------------
From: bscott@nyx.cs.du.edu (Ben Scott)
I worked for a while at an office which shall remain nameless, but whose
business does, from time to time, attract protest groups. I and a
colleague named Linda wrote this one morning while beseiged by an
especially radical group.
(Note that I'm as much of an environmentalist as the next guy - I'm
a registered Democrat and never listen to Rush Limbaugh. But sometimes
you meet people who take even the worthiest causes _far_ too seriously.
I did not do this to offend anyone, merely to break the tension at the
office that morning. (as if the misspelled protest signs weren't doing
that already...) Anyway, all disclaimers in effect, and I'm definitely
not targeting anyone or any group in particular.
-----
(name of office deleted for obvious reasons)
Protester Satisfaction Survey
(standard form #27B/j)
Please take a few minutes to fill out this questionaire. All answers will
be kept confidental and are used only for research purposes.
1: How did you hear about us? ____________________________________________
2: Did you enjoy your overall experience today? __ Yes __ No
If not, why not? _____________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
3: Is this your first protest with this (office)? __ Yes __ No
4: On a scale of 1 to 10, please rate the following aspects of our service:
(circle one)
Representative accessibility 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Employee politeness/patience 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Toilet availability 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Snacks 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Parking 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
5: Would you come back and protest again? __ Yes __ No
6: What can we do to make future protests more fulfilling? _______________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
Thank you for your time. Your answers will help (this office) become more
responsive to protester needs as part of our service goals.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Oppurtunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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