Date: 8 Jun 93 10:21:49 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life 9.S
----------------------------------------------------
The following are from Spaf's Yucks Digests:
spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
--------------------------
From: kkt (Kathy Tansill)
As you may be aware Bill Gates is getting married:
The reception will be held at Microsoft so that people can continue
working.
After 3 years of marriage, bill may upgrade to Wife 2.0.
Melinda's (the bride's) parents were ecstatic about the engagement
until they found out they were going to pay for the wedding.
Bill's new home of the future in medina will now have a woman's
touch--a few doilies on the mainframe.
--------------------------
From: Joe Wiggins [JOE@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation
[Reprinted from Anguished English in Funny Times]
--------------------------
From: cline@cs.scarolina.edu (Ernest A. Cline)
I heard on NPR this past Saturday morning that a bankruptcy court judge in
Miami had found a NationsBank computer in contempt of court. The computer
had continued to send notices to a couple that had filed for bankruptcy
despite the judges's order and the apparent best attempts of the bank to get
the computer to comply. He fined the computer 50M of hard disk storage and
10M of RAM. The bank decided to make the best of a bad situation, paid the
fine and sent an apologetic letter signed with a barcode.
--------------------------
From: Miles O'Neal [meo@pencom.com]
From talk.bizarre:
"Please don't call me a racist.
I'm just challenged by ethnic diversity."
--------------------------
From: Miles O'Neal [meo@pencom.com]
From a discussion on another mailing list...
]This is an interesting question because I'm going through this myself. As
]my wife and I try to get pregnant and I am trying to get life insurance.
Well, here's hoping one of you succeeds in the first, and you in the
second, long term goal (I'd hedge my bets on your getting pregnant,
though, Fred)
--------------------------
From: Patrick Tufts [zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu]
NYT, Wed, May 5, page C1: Rating TV Chefs: Cooks Beware
"...today, viewership breaks down to 55 percent women and 34 percent
men, according to PBS..."
--Pat
They go on to say "with the remaining 11 percent of the viewers under 18"
--------------------------
From: pdennis@vnet.IBM.COM
In light of all of the discussion about law suits and such, I saw this
on sci.skeptic yesterday and felt it may get a few laughs in this
thread as well........
[some stuff deleted to save bandwidth]
]Since everyone is always complaining about _Weekly World News_ articles,
]I thought I would share this one:
]---------------------
]
]Man sues over Faulty Flying Carpet!
]
]A man who broke both his legs when his flying carpet crashed is suing
]the guru who sold it to him!
]
]Businessman Dilip Tarneja of Agra, India, says he paid $40,000 to guru
]Jayanti Nagar for a carpet.
]
]"That crook told me I'd soar 2,000 feet in the air and stay up for
]hours at a time," Tarneja said in his suit.
]
]"But the very first time I went off the roof of my home with the
]carpet I fell straight to the ground. It couldn't fly any better
]than the rugs I have in my bedroom."
]
]The lawsuit is scheduled to go to trial in early July.
]
--------------------------
From: Donald G Peters [Peters@DOCKMASTER.NCSC.MIL]
Found in INFORMATIONWEEK, May 17, 1993
"According to news reports from China, Shi Biao, a computer hacker,
has been executed as a warning to others contemplating computer crime.
In 1991, Biao defrauded the Agricultural Bank of China around $200,000
through money transfers."
Despite the temptation to make moral judgements here, I will simply
observe that the hacker was executed because his code was executed.
--------------------------
From: zoinks@netcom.com (Chris Blackwell)
This friday I go some comp tickets to the annual Computer Bowl. Usually a
pretty dry affair, but I just had to share this one with you all. (This is
from memory, so the text may not be 100% verbatim)
The question posed was "What contest, held via usenet, is dedicated to
examples o wierd, obscure, bizzare and really bad programming?" (They were
reffering to the Obfuscated C contest)
For about 30 seconds the participants thought about it, and it was apparent
that nobody knew the answer. Then one of the French contestants buzzed. His
answer - "Windows"
The expression on Bill Gates face (he was one of the judges) was classic.
--------------------------
From: markh@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (Mark)
The untold story of the encounter with Locutus
"Captain!", Worf exclaimed, "the Borg ship is hailing us."
"Put them on the main viewer", Riker ordered.
Unlike the previous times, when the image first appeared on the screen,
instead of there being just an empty picture of the interior of the Borg
ship, a Borg looking suspiciously like the captured ex-captain Jean Luc
Picard was seen facing sideways (apparently he had not yet adapted to the
use of a viewscreen).
As he turned forward to face Riker, the light from his headpiece pierced
through the viewscreen like a laser.
"I am Locutus: a Borg...", he announced in a voice that sounded
suspiciously like Picard's except for that annoyiug reverb effect
that humans always seem to get on Star Trek episodes every time they
turn into something weird, "all that was known by the human named
Picard concerning the ship's defenses and the Federation's plans is
now part of the Borg Consciousness. Therefore, resistance is futile.
You will take us to the planet Earth where you will assist us in the
assimilation process."
A brief pause of silence ensued as the Enterprise crew deliberated over
this unexpected turn of events.
"It would seem... ", Worf mumbled, "... that the Enterprise has just been
hoisted by its own Picard."
--------------------------
From: Matthew Bradburn [mattbr@microsoft.com]
I saw this on the net, and thought I'd better re-broadcast it here
before someone else did (this way I can be a good sport, instead
of the brunt of someone else's joke).
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
A: None: they just define darkness as an industry standard.
--------------------------
] From: rlw@ida.org (Richard Wexelblat)
] There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as
] easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no
] longer know how to use my telephone.
]
] (Reported to have been uttered by Bjarne Stroustrup at the Second A.J.
] Perlis Symposium on Computer Languages)
----------------------------------------------------
The following are selections from Keith Bostic's mailing list
bostic@vangogh.cs.berkeley.edu
--------------------------
These are actual news stories from 1992, compiled by Bill Mandel
of the San Francisco Examiner.
------------------------------
A San Francisco man walked through a plate-glass storefront trying to
board the cable car he saw reflected in the shiny window.
A San Francisco man dressed as Mickey Mouse on Halloween was beaten on
the street by a man who threatened to kill the would-be rodent "if I
catch you dressed up like Mickey again."
Speaking of the federal deficit, U.S. Senator Dennis DeConcini said:
"We're going to wrassle to the ground this gigantic orgasm that is out
of control."
San Francisco police served a jaywalking ticket on a comatose man
hospitalized in an intensive care unit. An investigation revealed the
man, not the motorist who hit him, was at fault in the accident.
One of the men arrested for looting in the L.A. riots is a $3 million
Lotto winner who receives $120,000 a year from the state.
A women in Royal Oak, Mich., was arrested, handcuffed, and jailed for
putting her garbage cans out too early.
A Los Angeles man on trial for harrassing ice skater Katarina Witt
demanded a jury of nymphomaniacs, atheists and agnostics to compose
"a jury of his peers."
A Pennsylvania judge resigned after promising leniency to a defendent
if he could shampoo the man's hair.
A Florida wedding reception was interrupted when the bride threw macaroni
salad at the groom and he responded with gunfire. At the hospital,
the wounded bride insisted on checking in under her new married name.
A Polish pro soccer team acquired two top players from a Kiev squad for
a truckload of potatos.
An off-duty Oklahoma city police officer ran from the stands at a high
school basketball game and arrested an official who, the cop claimed, was
not calling enough fouls against the visiting team.
A Chicago high school teacher punished truants by making them listen to
Frank Sinatra records.
The CIA classified as "secret" the report of its Openness Task Force.
Investigators probing Sears auto repair departments found that several
cars taken in for brake repair came out with no brakes at all.
The 1982 National Father's Day Association's Father of the Year went
to jail for failing to pay child support.
New York City authorities wired more than 200 bushes in a public park
with burglar alarms.
Scientists found that watching television sitting up burns 15 percent
fewer calories than simply lying in bed.
A color-bar test pattern on a Los Angeles television drew higher ratings
than two competing stations' 10 p.m. newscasts.
--------------------------
From: deborah@gallifrey.Eng.Sun.COM (Deborah Bennett)
Gongs for Bongs
The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals) for
dubious distinctions in 1992.
Tortoise Trophy
---------------
British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the
InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains
arriving within one hour of schedule.
Crimewatch Cup
--------------
Gold star: Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen
stereo. His error was having tatooed on his forehead in large capitals letters
the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the court: "My client is not a very
bright young man".
Silver star: Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb hoax, but
became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming
"Call me back" and left his phone number.
Bronze star: Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his
name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.
Silver Bullet
-------------
To poacher Marino Malerba who shot dead a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock, and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
--------------------------
These appeared in the Jan./Feb. '93 issue of Washington Journalism Review.
Quote of the Month
"I never thought about selling my kids. I've thought about killing them,
choking them -- everything. But I never thought about selling them."
-- Felicia Thomas, the neighbor of a couple accused of trying
to sell their children, quoted in Newsday.
Winning Headline
It's Unanimous -- Bowe Knows Boxing
(New York Times)
Taste and Sensitivity Award
Russians hurt by McBomb
(Neosho, Missouri, Daily News, about a bomb
that exploded at a Moscow McDonald's)
Another Conspiracy Theory
From the Citrus County Chronicle in Inverness, Florida, the day
after the paper printed an improperly exposed photo of local
political candidate Bob Licata: "Licata...demanded a correction
by publication of a photo that, he said, Accurately depicts my
race as a white person' to offset any prejudice which could result
in lost votes...' Licata... questioned whether it was an attempt
[by the Chronicle] to inflame racial prejudice in his candidacy.
Editor Jim Hunter said... Licata's inference was ludicrous."
Correction of the Month
From the Dubois, Wyoming, Frontier:
"A number of people have said the news story in last week's issue
about changes in the sewer rate structure... was far from clear.
Editor Norma Williamson was attempting to recover from a virus
and concedes that she was not functioning at her best. We'll try
again..."
--------------------------
From: rick@uunet.uu.net (Rick Adams)
Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1993
Clinton, apparently attempting to make George Bush look reliable and
predictable has adopted a new definition of income. I'll bet you didn't
notice that, huh?
While everyone is probably familiar with Clinton's references to families
with an income of $100,000 and up as rich (Maybe in Arkansas, but try it
in a big city...), it seems that virtually no one is aware that Clinton
is also using an unusual definition of "income".
Clinton is using the little-known concept of "family economic income",
which is a LOT different than what most people consider to be income.
Let's take an example family and compute their total "family economic
income". Presume one wage earner, age 45 earning $75,000 per year. The
employee has worked for the same employer for 20 years and has $150,000
in pension or other retirement accounts. The family owns a $200,000 home
with a $100,000 mortgage and has no interest or dividend income.
So, what's their income? $75,000? WRONG!
Here's what Clintons tax plan would count as income for determining tax
bracket (but NOT as taxable income. Following this? Good... Tom Leher
where are you when we need you.)
Type of Income Amount
--------------- --------
Gross Salary $ 75,000
Employer's half of Social security $ 4,500
Employer's share of health care $ 3,000
Employer's retirement plan contributions $ 3,000
Earnings on retirement plans $ 12,000
Theoretical rental profit from house $ 6,000
TOTAL FAMILY ECONOMIC INCOME $103,500
Congratulations! You're now officially rich!
The imputed rent is my personal favorite (although the others are
certainly interesting). The imputed rent is the difference between what
the Treasury Department believes your home would rent for and how much
the home costs you in interest, taxes and upkeep. (Try paying your
taxes with imputed rent...)
The other interesting point is that those people whom most consider
rich aren't affected. The really rich make their money off of capital
gains. You get rich on capital gains - not salary. Clinton's tax on
the rich is really a tax on the highly-incomed. But then there are a
lot of voters who would probably admit to having a high income, but
don't consider themselves rich.
It's almost enough to make you wish you voted for Bush (well, ok...
maybe not. However, there's this old theory about the devil you know...)
Sources:
US Treasury Department, Allan Sloan's column
in the 3/2/93 Washington Post.
--------------------------
Paraphrased from the Keeping Up column of Fortune Magazine,
March 8, 1993.
While running for President, Clinton promised to appoint a cabinet that
"Looks Like America" ("LLA"). Presuming that the only politicly correct
way to determine what America looks like is based on gender and ethnic
heritage, We can determine an LLA score for both Bush and Clinton.
Let's determine what the cabinet makeup should be based on the latest
available adult population census data.
White males are 37.18% of the adult population and therefore should get
6 of the 16 available slots (37.18% of 16 = 5.95. We round up to 6).
"Other Minority" females constitute 1.81% of the adult population
and therefore should get 0 slots (1.18% of 16 = 0.29 which rounds to 0).
Taking this further, we find that the perfect "LLA" cabinet would have
six white males, one black male, one Hispanic male, six white females,
one black female, one Hispanic female and zero other females.
Now, assign 1 penalty point for every appointee deviating from the
"perfect" LLA cabinet. Therefore, the politically correct will want to
minimize their penalty points.
For example, George Bush's cabinet had 11 white males and therefore gets
5 penalty points. It had only 3 white females when 6 were clearly needed
-- another 3 penalty points. Add a penalty point for lack of one black
female and lack of one Hispanic female and we find the "regressive" Bush
weighing in with 10 penalty points.
Now, for the surprising Clinton numbers!
Presume Janet Reno is confirmed as attorney general, thereby giving
Clinton another white female. Even so, he ends up with 8 penalty points.
Now presume that, as Clinton claimed (a big presumption arguably) that
males were being considered as well as females for attorney general. If
he HAD chosen a white male, he would have had the same penalty points as
Bush!
Instead of looking like America, Clinton has 5 black and Hispanic males
when the formula only calls for two. Had a male attorney general been
appointed, Clinton would have done worse than Bush at giving white women
their "fair share".
Political correctness is harder than it looks!
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Oppurtunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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