Date: 14 Jun 93 13:36:58 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 9.T
----------------------------------------------------
From dsc.cuties
moderated by lindsay%dscatl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
--------------------------
Contributed by: ihuxm!ivy
"Man who keeps to middle of the road...
Get run over from BOTH directions!"
--------------------------
Contributed by: wegdcb!gcegb
CANDID COMMENT
The difference between computer error and human error
is that the computer usually knows better.
--A. H. Berzen, WSJ 2/21/84
--------------------------
Contributed by: ut-sally!riddle
"I have often had the impression that, to penguins, man
is just another penguin -- different, less predictable,
occasionally violent, but tolerable company when he
sits still and minds his own business."
-- Bernard Stonehouse
--------------------------
Contributed by: cbosgd!mark
My all time favorite error message, which was officially
documented in a UNIVAC COBOL manual along with all the other
error messages the COBOL compiler might produce:
Some obscure difficulty has arisen.
--------------------------
Not too long ago, a story make the rounds of Washington that ran
like this:
A senator had achieved great fame through his public speaking.
He was even mentioned for Secretary of State, and possibly Vice
President. What people didn't know, though, was that this great
orator could not write a speech to save his life. He had a ghost
writer and all the senator did was read the words the other man
had written. One other thing you have to know is that the senator
never once gave any credit to his ghost writer.
Finally, on the last day of the senator's term of office, he
was called upon to address a large gathering in his honor. As he
went to the dais, the ghost writer handed him his speech. And
sure enough, it was a fantastic talk. Time after time, he had the
audience on its feet applauding. Then he came to the next to the
last page of his speech, and he read:
"And now, Mr. President, fellow members of the Congess, friends:
In this last two minutes of my term of office, I want to set
before you four principles that have come to me out of a lifetime
of study. Principles which, if put into practice by our
government, could bring peace to the Mid-East, take care of
unemployment, and prevent recession. In all humility, but with a
deep conviction, I set them before you now..."
He turned the page. The page was blank, except for a note
from his ghost writer which read, "You're on your own now, Bud."
-- Eugene H. Buxton
--------------------------
It's important to keep an open mind, but not so open that your
brains fall out.
Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
--------------------------
Contributed by: ihuxi!walsh
Many people don't know that the great American composer George Gershwin
loved computers. But his brother, Ira, hated them. That is why Ira took
all of George's songs and changed the titles and words. The original
titles include:
I Got Algorithm
They Can't Take That Array From Me
I Got Plenty O' Debuggin'
The Mainframe I Love
A Foggy Database
Our Love is Here to Stack
Softwaretime
and, of course, the all-time classic:
Rhapsody in Boolean
--------------------------
Contributed by: hp-pcd!harold
Slogan on T-shirts anonymously printed for Engineers Week:
"If you are smart enough to know that you're not
smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business."
--------------------------
"...an engineer is a man who can do for ten shillings what any
fool can do for a pound..."
Nevil Shute, 1954
"You sure he doesn't have that backwards?"
Aerospace corporation engineering supervisor, 1967
--------------------------
Contributed by: dan@sri-tsc
I had a startling experience while a coop student. I was in
late at night printing out a rather large, racy digitized
picture on our UNIX system, and I decided to copy it to tape so
I could take it back to school with me. While running "tp" (it
was a V6 unix system), I got the error message "UNIX is feeling
B A D -- call Kernighan". At the time I was a rather novice
UNIX user, and when I saw that message I broke out into a cold
sweat, aborted the tp command, and spend the next two weeks
frantically grepping through tp, the shell, and the kernel for
that message, trying to figure out what I had broken. I never
found it. Five years later at a USENIX conference, while talking
to my old boss, he mentioned that he had seen me logged into the
console one night doing illicit things, and echoed that message
to the console.
If all else fails, suspect your friends...
-Dan
--------------------------
Contributed by: ut-ngp!ables
Seems a group of four Aggies (students from Texas A&M for those
unfamiliar with the traditions between Texas and Texas A&M) were arrested
just outside of Austin by Travis County Sheriff's officers early one
morning (Nov 4). They were spotted removing highway signs from their
signposts and "making off" with them. Their explanation was that they
were going to use the signs as fuel in the traditional Aggie Bon Fire
which is held the week before the Texas-Texas A&M football game which
is on Nov 26. All the signs in the back of their truck had the word
"Austin" in them (they were mileage markers reading "Austin 44",
"Austin 24", "Austin 16", etc.) and formed a trail leading back to
College Station.
The signs were all made of metal.
----------------------------------------------------
From Netwit, a collection of humor by Jeffrey H. Knodel.
(knodel@netwit.cmhnet.org)
--------------------------
From: horn@husc.harvard.edu
A Bostonian, a Midwesterner, and a Yalie decided to pool their funds
and go to the Olympics in Barcelona. The airfare and hotel rates ate
up most of their money, and so they didn't have enough to get into the
stadium to see the events. So they stood around the gate watching more
fortunate folk get in, and then noticed that some people didn't have
to pay. Whenever an athlete passed the guard with his (or her)
equipment, the guard would simply nod and let them through. So the
three visitors quickly trotted off to a nearby hardware store, and
came back shortly to try to get in. The Bostonian walked up to the
guard and gestured at the long pole he carried.
"Pole vaulting," he said, and the guard waved him through.
The Midwesterner, having rigged up an ax to a length of chain, approached
the guard next and showed off his wares.
"Ax throwing," he said, and the guard shrugged and waved him through.
The Yalie came last, with a roll of chain link on his shoulder.
"Fencing."
--------------------------
From: lyn@anchor.esd.sgi.com (Lyn Dearborn)
The Army has figured out how to preserve food by running an
electric current through it. Eventually, they plan to use this
to replace the infamous MRE's.
I think they should sell this stuff commercially. It would be
really good for power lunches.
--------------------------
--Potatoe Juice: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Jenkins started a new job and became friendly with
a long-time employee. "Do you like it here?" Jenkins
asked.
"It's great," answered the old-timer. "Not only do
we have a good pension plan, but working here ages
you faster."
--------------------------
Submitted by: aproden@ac.dal.ca (Andrew P. Rodenhiser)
I have a utility knife, made in Korea, with a sticker on it which,
along with the company name and patent number, bears a large warning
message:
CAUTION: BLADE EXTREMELY SHARP
KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN
The newer models have this corrected.
--------------------------
Submitted by: shane@kiwi.swhs.ohio-state.edu
A local TV newscaster was heard to say that a man who had
received the transplanted liver of a baboon was doing better but
"wasn't out of the woods yet."
--------------------------
--One from the Peanut Gallery: "Scott A. Rust" [SARUST@gallua.gallaudet.edu]
Why was Jesus born in a stable?
Because Joseph belonged to an HMO.
--Potato Juice: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Our dog, Mr. Hoover, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a.m.
Irritated and sleepy, my husband, John, searched the back
yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise placid
animal. For three days he found nothing amiss. Then the
dog woke up the neighborhood at 3 a.m. with frantic barking.
When John looked out the window, he discovered someone
throwing pebbles to land near Mr. Hoover. John hurried
outside and found the culprit. Crouching on the other
side of the fence was our quiet neighbor, the last man
you'd suspect of wrongdoing. My husband demanded to know
what he was doing. "My mother-in-law is visiting," the
embarrassed neighbor explained. "If she loses her beauty
sleep another night, she says she'll leave."
-One from the Peanut Gallery: Mark A. Stevens [stevens@stsci.edu]
Beer Here! [Its great to have a democrat in the office again B) ]
--
The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clinton's practice
of taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other
day when somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately,
it turned out to have been a draft, and Clinton was able to
dodge it.
--------------------------
One from the Peanut Gallery: Rob Knauerhase [knauer@cs.uiuc.edu]
Presidents' Day
---
Paraphrased (rewritten) from Jay Leno, 2/15/93:
"I celebrated Presidents' Day in an authentic manner. I jogged to McDonald's,
had a couple Big Macs, broke some promises from a couple months ago, and
then took some money from some average middle-class citizens."
--------------------------
--One From the Peanut Gallery "Kevin W. McAuley" [kwm@ra.cs.umb.edu]
[send me the] bill ...
* there are too many bills to pay without having to pay
the one in washington.
chevyn
--------------------------
--One from the Peanut Gallery: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Dolly Parton Quote
"After Mama gave birth to 12 of us kids, we put her
up on a pedestal. It was mostly to keep Daddy away
from her!"
- Dolly Parton
--------------------------
--One from the Peanut Gallery: chpp@unitrix.utr.ac.za (Prof P. Piacenza)
Heard as the only funny part in a sitcom (Babes):
A new stamp commemorating Milli Vanilli has been issued.
They are not on it.
--------------------------
--Fortune Cookie:
Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
--------------------------
--Potato Juice: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Phone Sales
More from Reader's Digest:
My sister had been plagued by persistent salespeople
phoning to sell her condo time shares. Nothing seemed
to discourage them until the day she allowed one caller
to go through the usual litany of questions, which led
to the subject of family income.
"Do you want our income with or without welfare payments?"
my sister asked. She hasn't been bothered since.
--------------------------
--One from the Peanut Gallery: "Mark D Baushke" [mdb@cisco.com]
live on CNN today
During Ross Perot's testimony before congress being covered live by
CNN this afternoon, they pulled back to put in headlines under his
testimony... during a closeup of Ross Perot one of the first headlines
said:
Texas cult leader promises to give up.
Why did that seem so appropriate? :-)
--------------------------
--One from the Peanut Gallery VOORTREKKER [FU744C@gwuvm.gwu.edu]
Bill Clinton will launch health consciousness campaign and promote
jogging and reportedly he asked Hillary would she run.
"No", she said,"not now, not until '96."
--------------------------
--Potato Juice: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Alcohol Consumption
]From Jay Leno:
The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption
are Las Vegas and Washington, DC.
The difference between the two is that in Washington the
drunks are gambling with *our* money!
--------------------------
--A Note from the Net: rec.humor
From: EC0AAEF [EC0AAEF@MUSIC.TCS.TULANE.EDU]
(to the tune of "THE ADAMS FAMILY")
They're slimy and they're cheesy
They're dedicated P.C.
They're altogether sleazy
The Clinton Family
da da da da tax tax
da da da da tax tax
da da da da da da da da da da da da tax tax
Their policies are daft
They'll gladly accept graft
Bill dodged the draft
The Clinton Family
da da da da
da da da da
da da da da da da da da da da da da tax tax
They're politics will disgrace
Your income will be displaced
Their daughter is a dog-face
The Clinton Family
--------------------------
One From the Peanut Gallery: From: consp11 (Jason Piecora)
From: Kriston J. Rehberg (consp03@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu)
NEW Write In C Song!
Sung to Beatles "Let it Be":
When I find my code in tons of touble,
Friends and colleages come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
LISP is dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC.
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C
Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
{
Guitar Solo
}
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL.
Write in C.
And when the screen is fuzzy,
And the editor is bugging me.
I'm sick of ones and zeros,
Write in C.
A thousand people sware that T.P.
Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE,
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is 80s,
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Oppurtunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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