Date: 21 Jun 93 16:46:14 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 9.U
----------------------------------------------------
The following are from the humor list:
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--------------------------
From: Bill Edwards [BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET]
If you are driving a bus with five people in it, and at the first
stop two get on, and one gets off, at the next stop three people
get on and one gets off, and on the last stop three get off and one
gets on--what is the driver's name?
Answer: If you are driving, . . . .
--------------------------
From: Ethan King [eking@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU]
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the
opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
NIELS BOHR
Just because everything is different doesnt mean anything has changed.
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ORACLE
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of
it ... it would have been much better.
KARL MARX'S MOTHER
The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this
incredible jailbreak.
WAVY GRAVY
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
BUCKMINSTER FULLER
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns
and detective stories.
ARTHUR C CLARKE
Real wealth can only increase.
R BUCKMINSTER FULLER
Anyone can hate. it costs to love.
JOHN WILLIAMSON
Please dont ask me what the score is, Im not even sure what the game is.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you
hit the target.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
PAUL ERLICH
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
J PAUL GETTY
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he
encounters needs pounding.
ABRAHAM KAPLAN
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there
is some ordinance under which you can be booked.
ROBERT D SPRECHT (RAND CORP)
"Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood."
D. B. Hudson -
"You don't have to explain something you never said"
- Calvin Coolidge -
"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon
the wall instead of using it"
- Gordon R. Dickson -
--------------------------
To: Recipients of HUMOR digests [HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu]
From: "Bob (Moo Cow) Hyland" [HYLANDRA@SLUVCA.SLU.EDU]
I started out in the physics building, looking to take a make-up
exam. Apparently, it had slipped the professor's mind, as there
was no test waiting for me in the office, as he promised there
would be. This left me with about an hour to kill, until he
finished with his second period class.
I asked the secretary where the physics building's library was,
and, in a few moments, I was off to find it. "Down the hall, take
a left and it'll be on your right."
Sure enough, that's where it was. The next thing that I saw was a
sign on the door stating the library would be closed until 8:30.
"So, I've just got to wait until 8:30." Only, I didn't have a
watch!
I've heard that all the clocks in the physics department are on
"relative time" which means you have to know what Einstein had
for breakfast, to calculate the time. So, I thought, "I will just
ask a 'human' what time it is."
So, I turn around, and standing there is this skinny Chinese
fellow, maybe 25 years old. So, I ask him, "Excuse me. Do you
know what time it is?"
He replied, "Now?"
I felt my face contort violently, as I contemplated this new
question: Did I want to know what time it is NOW? Did I want to
know when it would be 8:30? Did I want to know what time it was
in China? Did I want to know what Einstein had for breakfast?
Of course, I was in no way prepared for this question. And
without knowing quite what had happened to me, I found myself
back at home, drinking a "Margarita" by the pool, listening to
the radio blast Jimmy Buffet at an extreme volume. THAT, I could
handle!
...
Post Script: My doctor has since advised me not to enter the
physics building without a watch securely strapped to my arm. (I
also keep a spare set of batteries with me, Just in Case...).
--------------------------
From: Bill Edwards [BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET]
Notes from Codrescu, Andrei (1991), The hole in the flag: a Romanian
exile's story of return and revolution. New York: William Morrow. (CC
Library, DR269.6.C63/1991)
After the French got out of the elevator on the fifth floor, an
Australian newsman who'd heard my rebuff said, "Don't mind it, pal. The
French! They always bring silence to elevators, a fact they don't notice
because they are always talking." (p. 85)
[As evidence of security state which had grown up in Romanian Codrescu
reports:] An hour later I was still waiting for the hotel operator to
call me back with Adrian's number. I called her. "If he's a friend of
yours," I said, "don't you have his number handy?" "Have patience," she
said--a word I heard many times from her in the coming days. "I will
call him to ask him if it's all right to give you his telephone number."
"I'm an old friend!" I shouted." "I know," she said. Howzdat? "You know
who I am?" I said. "Now, why wouldn't I know?" she asked, bemused. (p. 89)
The Romanian television of my youth was such an exceedingly boring thing
that people never needed sleeping pills. (p. 101)
--------------------------
From: hananel kvatinsky [ramot@CCSG.TAU.AC.IL]
A man sees in the street two workers performing the following procedure :
The first one is digging a ditch, and the second one, a few feet( or
meters as I would probably say here ) behind is covering the ditch with
the the sand that was just dug out.
After watching them for a while he could not resist his curiosity and he
went to ask them what they are doing and what was the goal in their work.
"This is very simple, mister" said one of the workers. "Usually we are a
team of three : One digs, the other puts communication cable into the
ditch and the third one covers it. Unfortunately, the guy who puts the
cables into the ditch is sick today , so we are doing the best we can."
--------------------------
From: Tom Purcell [GE0110@SIUCVMB.BITNET]
Flea market products this week end......
1) George Bush wrist watch.........$19.95
Has no hands - must watch the lips.
2) Ross Perot wrist watch..........$ 9.95
Some times it runs - some times it quits.
3) Bill Clinton wrist watch........$ 2.95 +Tax +Tax +Tax +Tax......
--------------------------
From: hananel kvatinsky [ramot@CCSG.TAU.AC.IL]
qu: What is the difference between a pessimist and an optimist ?
The optimist wakes up in the morning, opens the window, breathes the fresh
air and says "Good Morning, Lord "
The pessimist wakes up in the morning, opens the window, breathes the fresh
air ( and coughs ) and says "Good Lord, morning".
--------------------------
From: Pamela Bigus [PBIGUS@DESIRE.WRIGHT.EDU]
The secretary jokes reminded me of a cute one I heard years ago:
A man who needed a secretary hung a sign in his window that said, "Secretary
wanted to file and type. Must be bi-lingual."
Within a few minuted, a dog came trotting into his office with
the sign in his mouth. At first the man was irritated that a dog had somehow
gotten into the building, so he tried to shoo him away. The dog dropped the
sign on the man's desk and said, "Woof, woof!"
The man gave him a puzzled look and said, "Don't tell me you're here about
the secretary job!" The dog replied, "Woof, woof!" Skeptically, the man
said, "OK, here! See if you can file these papers." The dog grabbed the
papers in his mouth, and filed them correctly in just a few minutes, trotted
back to the man's desk and said, "Woof, woof!"
The man was amazed, but not quite convinced, so he handed the dog some notes
and said, "Here, see if you can type this up." The dog took the notes, typed
up the paper, and dropped it on the man's desk with another "Woof, woof!"
The man said, "Well, I'm convinced you can do the job, but the sign says
that you must be bi-lingual," to which the dog replied, "Meow!"
--------------------------
From: Bill Edwards [BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET]
If there is a gas fireplace, a candle, and a kerosene lamp and you only
have one match to light them all, which should you light first and why?
Answer: The match, so you can light the others.
How many books can a student put in an empty grocery sack?
Answer: One; after that, the sack isn't empty.
When a librarian goes fishing for catfish, what does he use for bait?
Answer: Bookworms.
Tommy Tucker took two strings and tied two turtles to two tall trees. How
many T's are there in that?
Answer: To be perfectly frank, there are only two T's in "that."
How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky--Louisville or Loowiville?
Answer: The capital is Frankfort.
How do you pronounce j-o-k-e? C-o-k-e? P-o-k-e? What is the white of an
egg called?
Answer: Yolk? No, the white of an egg is the albumen.
How do you pronounce this word, s-o [pause] m-e-t [pause] m-e-s?
Answer: Sometimes.
Answer: B-l-n-d p-g. You have to spell it that way because a blind pig
has no eyes.
Two boys were born of the same mother at the same time, yet they were not
twins. How is this possible?
Answer: They were triplets.
--------------------------
From: Karl Williamson [Karl.H.Williamson@ATT.COM]
Good morning Moses. This is a picture of the Israeli people who are
being held captive in the land of the Pharoahs.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to free the Israeli
people and bring them into the promised land.
This bush will self-destruct in 10 seconds.
--------------------------
From: Ron Freund [FREUND_R@UCOLMCC.BITNET]
Classified Ad:
Set of encyclopedias. Never used.
(Wife knows everything!)
--------------------------
From: Bob Kamper [KAMPER@NERVM.NERDC.UFL.EDU]
"I misread it wrong."
"THe Greeks had the first democracy to be run by the people."
--------------------------
From: Joe Mole [JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET]
Well-digging is a great job if you are willing to start at the top!
Each year it takes less time to fly around the world and more time
to drive to work.
--------------------------
From: walt [WALTERP@NERVM.NERDC.UFL.EDU]
True story: About a year ago I sent a fax letter to another part of
campus. Later in the day came a telephone call from a staff member
in the department. "You know," she said, "you sent this to the wrong
address. I'm sending it back to you." Which she did.
--------------------------
From: Don Wozniak [DFW@UWWVM.UWW.EDU]
I heard this on a radio commercial:
They say every dog has his day. Do you still get a day if you don't
have a dog?
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
These jokes were taken from Suds Lanigan's What's up, doc? (St.
Martin's Paperbacks, 1991). I received it as a gift two years ago
when I was in hospital. I recommended it.
At a cocktail party, the lawyer was getting annoyed at the
number of people who kept asking for free advice. He asked his
doctor friend if he had the same problem.
"All the time," agreed the doctor.
"Well, don't you get tired of it? What do you do?"
"It's very simple, and I think it will work for you," said the
doctor. "When they ask for advice, just tell them to undress!"
----
The husband and wife were in the waiting room when the doctor
came out to see them. "And what seems to be the problem with your
husband, Mrs. Tailor?" asked the doctor.
"His problem seems to be that he's constantly worried about
money."
"Ah, I think we can relieve him of that."
----
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers
to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he
is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and
one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a
little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and
said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your
last visit."
----
The doctor was making his rounds and walked into the semi-
private room in the hospital to examine old Mrs. Williams. After
the exam in his best professional voice, he said smoothly, "You are
coughing much more easily this morning."
"I should," snapped the patient. "I've been practicing all
night."
--------------------------
From: IN%"smithb@cs.cofc.edu" "The Mad Hatter" 31-MAR-1993 23:08:03.29
TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE
10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
--------------------------
From: Mike Thompson [mthompso@NALUSDA.GOV]
"Last night, I ate so much at the sushi bar, I was stuffed to the gills."
-----
Old fisherman never die, they just smell that way.
--------------------------
From: Marty [MEARLE@UGA.BITNET]
Here's one I saw on a t-shirt recently:
(Picture a frazzled-looking woman, staring dejectedly at a scrumptious piece
of cake)
"Stressed??! Honey, I KNOW stressed. It's "desserts" spelled backwards."
--------------------------
From: Joe Clark [smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK]
If basket ball was never invented, where would they hold all the high
school dances?
--------------------------
From: TORRANCE Pat [ptorrance@SHL.COM]
Is the term "mailman" redundant?
--------------------------
From: Richard Chatham [rchatham@MATHSUN1.MATH.UTK.EDU]
The worst thing about buying something from a mathematician is
figuring out what to do with the 100-page proof of purchase.
--------------------------
From: Sara Rummelhart [RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET]
What's the difference between an Israelite and an Israeli? About
thirty calories.
--------------------------
From: Joe Mole [JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET]
Fatback, NC (MailPouch) -- A salary grievance was filed today at State
College over a bitter dispute involving two professors from the Department
of Southeastern European Languages, Professor Ijp and Professor Ajpa. Dr.
Ijp, who is an associate professor, filed the demand for salary
arbitration after he learned that Dr. Ajpa, who is also an associate
professor, was receiving a salary three times greater than his own.
"I don't understand it," said Ijp, "we hold the same rank, we work in
similar areas, we both publish scholarly works, yet for some reason Dr.
Ajpa is paid three times more than I am. It just doesn't make any sense. I
don't know why they are doing this, but I intend to find out."
When contacted by the SMOKEHOUSE READER, the faculty Dean at State
College, Farley Wagonsmith, defended the salary disparity between the two
professors. "It's really quite simple," said Dean Wagonsmith. "Although
Dr. Ijp is a good professor, he is a slightly-built man, weighing in at
just 107 pounds. We pay him $32,500 a year, which comes out to $303.74 per
pound. On the other hand, Dr. Ajpa is a bear of a man, at 311 pounds, and
we pay him $93,638 per year, or only $301.09 per pound. As you can see,
the per pound rate for Dr. Ajpa is actually less than the rate for Dr.
Ijp. I think that Dr. Ijp has failed to appreciate adequately the
indisputable fact that Dr. Ajpa is providing 3 times more professor to the
College than is Dr. Ijp. Thus the so-called disparity in salaries, from
our point of view, is more illusory than real. Right now our biggest
concern is that Dr. Ajpa will demand rate parity with Dr. Ijp as a result
of this unfortunate grievance action."
Reaction to the salary controversy has been largely negative around the
state. One citizen summarized the comments of many by complaining, "I had
no idea they were spending so many of our tax dollars on any of these
guys. They cost more than decent round steak."
--------------------------
From: Napalm Death Fan [mpj@KEPLER.UNH.EDU]
Understanding Your Student
WHAT YOUR STUDENT SAYS WHAT YOUR STUDENT MEANS
------------------------ -----------------------
Your course is too tough I haven't been doing my homework
Writing exams makes me nervous I haven't been doing my homework
You're always trying to show us I'm embarrassed because I'm not
how smart you are prepared again
I understand the overall concept I haven't got a clue about the
of this topic current topic
I would like to have had more time I didn't read it
to study the text
I have some concerns about the I hope this won't be on the exam
theory upon which this lecture is
based
There are some aspects of the I sure as hell ain't gonna read that
chapter that I would like to hear many pages, so maybe you could just
more about go over the highlights
Your lectures are not strongly You mean I have to come to lectures
enough linked to the text to get the notes?
Your lecture is an interesting I fell asleep in class
explanation of the text material
You've failed to discuss some of What do you mean -- read on my own?
the more relevant sections of the
text
I would like you to explain... I don't know anything about this stuff
Do you have a minute to answer a Wanna listen to me whine for an hour?
question about the assignment?
The exam was unfair I didn't study
I need an extension I started this morning and just
realized that I can't finish
it in 3 hours
You're the worst prof I ever had You make us work hard
The prof I had last semester was He didn't make us work
much better
I'll never take another course I've failed out of school
from you again
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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