Date: 19 Jul 93 17:22:59 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life A.3
The first third of this is from eunet.jokes
the second third is from aus.jokes
And the last third is from dsc.cuties
----------------------------------------------------
From: Huneke_Immo@Logica.Co.UK (Immo Huneke)
Here's an ancient joke told at the expense of the Belgians by a Dutch
fellow student:
A Belgian and a Dutchman in the French Foreign Legion found themselves
sharing a billet somewhere in the Middle East. After a while, they fell
into conversation. The Belgian asked the Dutchman why he had joined the
Legion.
"For the money", the Dutchman replied. The Belgian was outraged by such
base motivation. Haughtily, he replied: "Well, I joined for honour".
"So we both came for something we haven't got", observed the Dutchman.
--------------------------
From: ajb@s-crim1.dl.ac.uk (Alan Bleasby)
Or as a dictionary entry
recursive (n): see recursive
From: steinl@idt.unit.no (Stein Lang|rgen)
A derived joke from this (which I think is funnier) goes like this:
endless loop,
see loop, endless
loop, endless,
see endless loop
From: trones@dxcern.cern.ch (Jostein Lodve Trones)
Or the good old
binary tree (n): see binary tree and binary tree
----------------------------------------------------
From Brian Gordon's sifting of eunet.jokes:
--------------------------
From: erlebach@Informatik.TU-Muenchen.DE (Thomas Erlebach)
Subject: busdriver joke
This one is from the German "Gaudimax" TV-Show, in which people tell
jokes and try to get more applause than the others.
Please excuse the quality of the translation.
A bus company are offering a job for a busdriver in a newspaper.
Only one guy applies for the job, but he seems to be pretty dumb,
and so the bus company are waiting for some more days. But still
they cannot find any other busdriver, so they occupy the dumb one.
They tell him: "You have to drive the bus, stop at all bus-stops,
cancel the tickets and take care of the passengers. Will you be
able to do that ?" He says: "Sure, no problem!".
On his first day on the job, 15 minutes after he started, he calls
the bus company: "I've got a problem: The side mirror of the bus
is damaged."
"Then go have it repaired !"
"I'm afraid that ain't possible, because the bus is lying on the
mirror."
"How the hell did that happen ?"
"I don't know. I was in the back, cancelling the tickets."
--------------------------
From: marc@cfmu.eurocontrol.be (Marc Philips)
Subject: Djinni too
Walking in the desert yesterday (I do it every sunday), I found a very old
oriental lamp in which there was a Djinni.
Djinni : Master, for realeasing me from my imprisonment, I'll grant you a wish.
Me : (Unfolding the map of the Middle East that I always carry - you
never know when you're gonna meet a Djinni) I want peace forever
in this part of the world.
Djinni : Master, you are asking for too much; that is far beyond my power.
Please, ask me something simpler.
Me : Ok, then make people stop commenting on each other jokes and
start posting jokes in eunet.jokes.
Djinni : Could you show me that map again?
--------------------------
From: cornet@zen.et.tudelft.nl (Jan-Pieter Cornet)
Subject: Re: YABJ
Objoke: (stolen from "een waar gebeurd verhaal, rinkeldekinkel")
A guy loved a certain girl very much, but unfortunately his love wasn't
answered. For a while he tried to court and charm her every time he
met her but after a while she moved to another city...
Then he started writing her love-letters. One love-letter every day.
Seven days a week, fifty-two weeks a year...
After that period the girl finally decided to get married...
To the postman!!!!
--------------------------
From: forest@maths.tcd.ie (Sharon Murphy)
Subject: trains! arghhhh!
ok...
having just spent almost thee hours in a train
on a one and a half hour journey this little
gem springs to mind...
did you know that CIE are mentioned in the Bible?
yes... god created every crawling thing...
--------------------------
Sbj: smallest books
From: 90dobias@davis.ensmp.fr (Philippe DOBIAS [90dobias@cc.ensmp.fr])
Do you happen to know the smallest book in the world ?
Well , it's the Irish Book of Knowledge.
-----
From: Neil@swamp.demon.co.uk (njb)
Or..
The Italian book of war heroes
English gourmet cooking
The book of belgian humour
-----
From: sav@nanette.sto.pdb.sni.de (Dr.Savory)
"The politicians' guide to honesty." J.Moellemann.
-----
From: Brian.Milner@brunel.ac.uk (Brian D Milner)
In 'Airplane', when a character asks for a little light reading,
The air hostess gives her "Great Jewish Sporting Heroes."
--------------------------
From: Brian.Milner@brunel.ac.uk (Brian D Milner)
It's 1942.
While German troops fight in Russia,Hitler visits a (famous) doctor in
Switzerland. Not knowing the man is a jew,he asks:'Doctor,I feel I'm getting
old,my troops need my support,my reich needs me as it's furher, and my
successor isn't ready yet. You are a very famous doctor, can you make me
younger?'
Doctor:'ehh, no. But I can arrange that you can't become older!'
----------------------------------------------------
From LBennett's sifting of eunet.jokes:
--------------------------
From: sturles@ifi.uio.no (Sturle Sunde)
What is making all the noise in the bottom of a Lada?
- All the money the owner saved when buying it!
--------------------------
From: pky@fmg.bt.co.uk (Pete Young)
STOP PRESS!! Skoda have announced a new 16 Valve model for 1993.
8 in the engine, 8 in the radio.
--------------------------
From: paulm@lion.inmos.co.uk (Paul Makepeace)
What do Skoda owners and disk drives have in common?
They both end up using the bus.
--------------------------
From: ibh@dde.dk (Ib Hojme)
Tips for driving a Skoda safely:
- Never try to overtake a moped.
You might be stuck in the fast lane for hours.
- Enjoy the bouncing motions - you are getting you daily exersize.
- The radar traps will nerver ever get you.
--------------------------
From: covey@us-es.sel.de (David Covey US/ESS3)
Q. How do you qualify to be a French farmer?
A. Successfully mark an "X" at the bottom of an EEC Subsidies Claim Form...
----------------------------------------------------
From Philip A. Fleischmann's sifting of eunet.jokes
--------------------------
From: hansg@risken.vd.volvo.se (Hans Granqvist)
To every complex problem there exists an easy solution that's not correct.
----------------------------------------------------
The following collection is from aus.jokes:
----------------------------------------------------
From Keith Hendrickson's sifting of aus.jokes:
--------------------------
From: chris@suite.sw.oz.au (Chris Maltby)
Q: "How do you cure a redneck?"
A: "Send it back to complete primary school."
----------------------------------------------------
Sifted by Peter Yee from aus.jokes:
[yee@atlas.arc.nasa.gov]
--------------------------
From: sthaj01@cc.curtin.edu.au
Q: Why are Air Force personnel called PENGUINS ?
A: Because they all have wings but only one in a million
can fly.
----------------------------------------------------
Sifted by Sara Thompson from aus.jokes:
--------------------------
From: 2120158@hydra.maths.unsw.EDU.AU ()
Here's one for u:: "I VE BEEN TO HELL AND BACK"
"elvis say's hi"
--------------------------
From: ccasm@cc.newcastle.edu.au
Of course there is the old one about the IBM T-shirt. (that's not the joke,
although come to think of it IBM would never have a corporate T-shirt)
Anyway, it had Official IBM T-shirt on the front
On the back it had "this space left intentionally blank"
----------------------------------------------------
Sifted by Mark Phillips from aus.jokes:
--------------------------
Here it is folks - the summary of the AMWAY jokes.
In answer to the question:
"How many AMWAY salesmen does it take to change a lightbulb?"
We have the following replies:
####
A: 301. I to change the lightbulb and 300 to tell everybody about
the "unique business opportunity they are missing out on."
A: Three. Two hold you down while the other runs around and changes all of
the lightbulbs in your house and charges you 10% commision on each.
A: None, they'd rather keep you in the dark.
A: One, but only if it's the $-making bright ideas light over his head.
A: 1 and if you replaces it with AMbulb it will last 1,000 times
longer than the average bulb, of course this is under ideal
conditions... while I'm on the subject You seem like an intelligent
sort of person, could we meet some time and discuss a buisness
proposition.........
A. 1 but you have to buy 100 lightbulbs
A. None, because Amway Salesman always think everyone else is in the
dark.
A. That's a good question. I wonder if we could leave it to the end.
"Would you like to be financially independent"
A. It's not Amway it's ..., and it's not pryamid selling it's network
marketing.
A. One... and it only takes you an hour a week
A. None. You never have to change lightbulbs. In a few weeks you
will have a crowd lining up at your front door, wanting to pay you
for the privilege of changing it for you.
A. Well even though you don't want to change it now; why don't I leave
my card with you in case you change your mind.
A: Ten. One to change the lightbulb & nine AMWAY salesmen to pat him on the
back & tell him what a great job he did.
A: Ten. One to change the lightbulb & nine AMWAY salesmen to sell it to him.
A: None. Everyone knows AMWAY bulbs last forever!
----------------------------------------------------
From Sarah Elkin's sifting of aus.jokes
--------------------------
From: s346003@emu.insted.unimelb.edu.au (The Kezzle)
What is it that's got meat in it, also bread and tomatoes, an orange,
is tied up in cellophane, and flies through the belfries ?
The Lunchpack of Notre Dame.
------
What is the invention that allows us to see through the thickest walls ?
A window.
----------------------------------------------------
The following is from dsc.cuties
--------------------------
Contributed by: inc@fluke.UUCP (Gary Benson)
Subject: Murphy's Law Proved
Walter Cronkite once told a story that proves the validity of Murphy's
law. It seems that a statistics professor wanted to see how things would
work in a little experiment. He brought in a few loaves of bread and a jar
of peanut butter. Each of the 50 members of the class were instructed to
spread the peanut butter on a piece of bread and on a signal, throw them
into the air. The results:
49 pieces of bread landed peanut butter side down. The 50th stuck to the
ceiling of the classroom! Q.E.D.
--------------------------
Contributed by: wegdcb!gcegb
WEATHER REPORT
In the old days, we didn't suffer from the cold weather
as much because we didn't keep hearing about the wind
chill factor.
The wind chill factor? That's a breeze with a press agent.
-- Robert Orben, WSJ, 2/3/84
--------------------------
Contributed by: clark!ejh
A canny farmer was approached by a stranger one day and asked how
much he thought his prize Jersey cow was worth.
The farmer thought for a moment, looked the stranger over, then
said:
"Are you the tax assessor or has she been killed by your car?"
--------------------------
A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks th' Lord wud do if He knew th'
facts of th' case.
--- Finley Peter Dunn (as "Mr. Dooley")
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
--- Sir Winston Churchill
Fanaticism consists of redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten
your aim.
--- George Santayana
Every person's work, whether it be literature or music or pictures or
anything else, is always a portrait of himself, and the more he tries to
conceal himself the more clearly will his character appear in spite of him.
--- Samuel Butler
A few kind words take only seconds to say, but their echoes can go on for
years.
--- Anon.
--------------------------
[Speaking of cults...]
This group...often meets in church basements, and I have seen with my own
eyes Jews, Baptists and Catholics all sitting next to one another. The
group has oaths, promises, grips and signs, and sometimes meet at night
around blazing fires to practice bizarre rituals.
This group...is the Boy Scouts of America.
--- Michael J. Maslanik
When an individual or organization captures the respect and admiration of
the public by the goodness and applicability of its work and becomes a
standard for the world at large, it also becomes a target for the shafts of
the envious few. If one's work presents no challenge, that one will be
left alone, but if one achieves great heights, it sets a million tongues
a-wagging.
--- Roy Wollridge
--------------------------
Contributed by: smu!leff
Book titles:
"Nothing Can Replace the U. S. Dollar and It Almost Has."
"What Kind of Guns do we get for our Butter?"
--------------------------
Contributed by: sortac!jabbo
There are the same number of nanoseconds in 1 second as there are
seconds in 31 years, 252 days, 1 hour, 46 minutes, and 40 seconds.
This calculation includes 7 leap-years.
------
If you were able to type 1 character per second for 24 hours a day,
seven days a week, it would take you 9 years, 185 days, 5 hours,
and 20 minutes to type 300 million characters which is roughly
the storage capacity of a 300 Megabyte disk drive.
If you were faster and were able to type 2 characters per second,
it would only take you 4 years, 275 days, 2 hours, and 40 minutes.
Getting all this on a more realistic scale, consider an average
typist typing 50 words per minute with an average word length of
6 characters. Working 7 and 1/2 hours a day, 5 days a week, 50
weeks a year (gotta have vacation), it would take 8 years, 44 weeks,
2 days, 1 hour and 40 minutes to type 300 million characters.
--------------------------
Contributed by: smu!leff
From Kinko's "Professor Publishing Newsletter"
Kid 1: "I went to the library to photocopy this book and I saw a sign
that said copying of materials may violate the copyright law, so I didn't
copy it."
Kid 2: "That sounds awfully honest, but what did you do?"
Kid 1: "I stole the book."
--------------------------
Contributed by: wegdcb!gcpsc
"THE SALESMAN"
And in those days, behold, there came through the gates of the city
a salesman from afar off, and it came to pass as he went by he sold
plenty.
And in that city were they that were the order takers and they that
spent their days in adding to the alibi sheets. Mightily were they
astonished. They said one to the other, "What the hell; how doth he
getteth away with it?"
And it came to pass that many were gathered in the back office and
a soothsayer came among them. And he was one wise guy. And they spoke
and questioned him saying. "How is it that this stranger accomplished
the impossible?"
Whereupon the soothsayer made answer: "He of whom you speak is one
hustler. He ariseth early in the morning and goeth forth full of pep.
He complaineth not, neither doth he know despair. He is arrayed in
purple and fine linen, while ye go forth with pants unpressed.
"While ye gather here and say one to the other, 'Verily this is a
terrible day to work', he is already abroad. And when the eleventh
hour cometh, he needeth no alibis. He knoweth his line and they that
would stave him off, they give him orders. Men say unto him 'Nay' when
he cometh in, yet when he goeth forth he hath their names on the line
that is dotted.
"He taketh with him the two angels 'inspiration' and 'perspiration'
and worketh to beat Hell. Verily I say unto you, go and likewise."
COMPLIMENTS OF R. A. FISCHER & CO.
--------------------------
Contributed by: fluke!inc
My father worked for the Air Force Ballistic Missile Division
in Los Angeles in the early '60s and brought this (supposedly
true) story home one evening:
RocketDyne and Jet Propulsion Laboratories had adjacent test
facilities, and one day JPL was testing a rocket engine that
came loose from its mountings and careened over into the
RocketDyne facility. Fortunately, no one was hurt, and there
was very little damage. The next morning, the President of
RocketDyne had a terse telegram on his desk from the President
of JPL:
"If there are any further such acts of aggression we
shall be forced to retaliate."
--------------------------
Contributed by: sdcrdcf!mike
Mike's Managerial Maxim...
People are never happy unless they have something
to complain about.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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