Date: 26 Jul 93 16:58:53 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life A.4
The first third of this is from Desperado, a mailing list run by: John R. Covert
the second third is from ThoughtOfTheDay, a mailing list run by: Victor Schwartz
And the last third is from random things Ian Chai has mailed me
----------------------------------------------------
The following are selections from Desperado, a mailing list run by:
John R. Covert [daemon@covert.enet.dec.com]
--------------------------
Paired bumper stickers:
I wish I were telecommuting.
My other car is a computer.
--------------------------
From: DECWRL::"Michael_Cooperman@MathWorks.COM" "Michael Cooperman"
I have my own job title story to tell (I think this thread was last seen a
couple issues ago). I once worked at a job where I was often interested in
receiving product information. I got irritated at having to fill in the Job
Title field of those bingo cards (I was more sensitive about those things in
my youth) so once I indicated that I was a "Lowly peon". Well, imagine my
surprise when I got what I requested, mailed to:
Michael Cooperman, PEON, [where I worked, etc.]
They must have thought it was one of those strange programmer titles or
something.
Keep working on those highly-visible projects.
--------------------------
p-name: What ever happened to rhetorical questions?
--------------------------
From: DECWRL::"leichter@lrw.com" "Jerry Leichter"
Subj: Honesty in documentation
THe following reached me through one of the more unusual mailing lists out
there, UNIX-HATERS, an invitation-only list for flaming about a certain
operating system.
-- Jerry
From: Charles Hannum [mycroft@hal.gnu.ai.mit.edu]
Subject: AIX updates
Seen on comp.unix.aix:
In the pathetic descriptions of fixes that come with the tape (most
of which don't tell you what they're for but tell you they don't take
effect until you reboot...), was this prize winner:
IX30126
This defect will replace your current rule files. You will need to
save them off before you install this defect.
Now they're shipping us supplementary defects, in case we didn't get
enough with the original system.
--------------------------
From: Robert Jones [jones@Think.COM]
Humpty Dumpty is an egg ... right ? Not so ...
In the Manchester Guardian Weekly there is a weekly column extracted from
the daily UK guardian called "Notes and Queries" in which readers ask
questions and other readers send in answers. One reader raised the issue
that s/he always thought of Humpty Dumpty as an egg but nowhere in the
nursery rhyme is he so identified ... he was certainly ilustrated as such
by Tenniel etc but what is the real story ...
It turns out that Humpty Dumpty was one of a pair of siege towers built
over 300 years ago. Siege towers were wheeled up to whatever castle or
religous cult you happened to be besieging at the time and your soldiers
would then jump over the walls etc etc. It was probably as tall as a house,
made of wood, had wheels and was probably covered in hides.
The tricky thing with siege towers was getting them in place - being heavy,
loaded with troops and inevitably involved going over rough ground.
Humpty Dumpty was built during the English Civil War by the Royalists ...
"all the King's horses and all the King's men" .... and it had a little
operational difficulty ... falling and being damaged beyond repair
--------------------------
From: TERSE::WILLISON "Reduced Commandments to 5, thus saving one tablet..."
Somebody asked Doc Watson if he knew music theory. "Not enough to
interfere with my playing," he replied.
--------------------------
From: US2RMC::"dougw@wordfarm.video2be.sai.com" "Douglas Whitbeck"
Think again!
Someday your fast-food burger may be prepared by the fastest of all
possible cooks: a piece of computer-controlled machinery. McDonald's,
the people who gave us the clamshell grill that cooks hamburgers on both
sides simultaneously, has taken another step in that direction. The
company has graced a number of its 12,000 restaurants with fully
automated systems that fry your fries or pour your Cokes without the
help of homo sapiens. In fact, to get you your soft drink, the crew
simply punches your order into the register, and presto! -- a cup is
automatically filled with the appropriate flavor. "All the crew has to
do," says McDonald's spokeperson Jane Hulbert, "is ice it."
McDonald's engineering department in Oak Brook, Illinois, developed the
system, known as automated restaurant crew helper (ARCH). Restaurants
in Colorado, Indiana, Minnesota, and Germany now have ARCH online,
Hulbert says, and the system is "available to any restaurant in our
system. It's up to the individual owner-operator."
Some observers have voiced concern that ARCH may be the harbinger of a
fully automated brave new McWorld that deprives teenagers of much-needed
jobs. "Absolutely not," Hulbert states. Actually, she says, ARCH gives
McDonald's employees "a tremendous opportunity to work with technology.
The crew just loves it."
-- by Bill Lawren
in the May 1993 issue of OMNI magazine
Now all they need is a voice-recognition interface. At least Walmart
hasn't replaced its greeters, so there are still career opportunities
in the service sector.
Doug Whitbeck
----------------------------------------------------
The following are from a Thought of the Day mailing list run by:
Schwartz_Victor@tandem.com
--------------------------
(This gem was contributed by Herb Kanner (kanner@apple.com). It is a
homework problem from a new book that his wife is reviewing. The book is
"Calculus Preliminary Edition" by Deborah Hughes-Hallett, Andrew M.
Gleason, et al.)
9. In her "Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior," Miss Manners
states:
"There are three possible parts to a date of which at least two must be
offered: entertainment, food and affection. It is customary to begin
a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate
amount of food and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount
of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced
proportionately. When the affection has replaced the entertainment,
we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be
omitted."
Based on this statement, sketch a graph showing entertainment as a
function of affection, assuming the amount of food to be constant.
Mark the point on the graph at which the relationship starts, as well
as the point at which the relationship ceases to be called dating.
--------------------------
Danger awaits those who deliberately violate the (acceptable behavior)
frames for a culture.
Next time you are in an elevator, stand facing the rear. Look at the
strangers in the elevator and smile. Or scowl. Or say hello. Or say,
"Are you feeling well? You don't look well." Walk up to random passersby
and give them some money. Say something like, "You make me feel good, so
here is some money." In a bus or streetcar, give your seat to the next
athletic-looking teenager you see. The act is especially effective if you
are elderly, or pregnant, or disabled.
From "The Design of Everyday Things", by Donald A. Norman
--------------------------
(From COMPUTERGRAM INTERNATIONAL - ISSUE NO.2186 - 10 June 93)
There is now a newsletter about the InterNet: The InterNet
Business Journal, published by the Strangelove Press in Ottawa,
Ontario, which is intended to help people (mis)use the Network
for business purposes: the subscription is $150 for the six
issues a year - which ironically are published on paper.
--------------------------
(From today's "News of the Weird" column in the San Jose Mercury News:)
In April, a U.S. Court of Appeals panel reversed the Key West, Florida drug
conviction of Leroy Lord, who had been found guilty based in part on
possessing U.S. currency soiled with cocaine. The court wrote that cocaine
is "so pervasive" in South Florida that traces could be found on most of
the currency circulating in the area.
--------------------------
Item #1:
"Did you hear that they carved two new faces into the side of Mt. Rushmore?"
"No. Who's faces?"
"Bill Clinton."
Item #2:
"I couldn't be two-faced. If I had two faces, I wouldn't wear this one."
- Abraham Lincoln
--------------------------
From today's "News of the Weird" column in the San Jose Mercury News:
In April in the Republic of the Congo, Bernadette Obelebouli, 34, gave
birth to triplets, but at the rate of one per day for three days during a
60-mile journey on foot. She assumed she was through birthing after she
delivered the first one, but they kept coming.
And in Vancouver, British Columbia, Joanne March, 29, gave birth
prematurely to the first of her triplets on April 30, but doctors decided
to leave the other two until they were healthier, and they were born on
June 14.
--------------------------
(From COMPUTERGRAM INTERNATIONAL - ISSUE NO.2167 - 13/05/93)
How do you share a date when your paramour is unavoidably
detained on business in another town halfway across the country?
Microsoft Corp chairman Bill Gates reportedly came up with an
ingenious solution when he was romancing venture capitalist Ann
Winblad: observing that the same movies are usually playing at
the same time all over America, they came up with the Virtual
Date - they'd each go alone to the same movie at the same time,
and discuss it afterwards on their car phones.
--------------------------
(Found on CompuServe by John A. Dilley [jad@nsa.hp.com])
"There are two great rules of life, the one general and the other particular.
The first is that everyone can, in the end, get what he wants if he only tries.
This is the general rule.
The particular rule is that every individual is more or less an exception
to the general rule."
-- Samuel Butler, English author (1835-1902).
--------------------------
(From the June 7 issue of NewsWeek magazine, page 44:)
Central to Tandy's (the parent corporation of Radio Shack stores) hope for
redemption is Incredible Universe, which some analysts have called the most
exciting retailing concept in years. The shtik? The 160,000-square-foot
stores, which are about 70 times larger than a Radio Shack, seem to offer
more products than anyone else. They peddle, for instance, 315 kinds of
televisions, 181 varieties of refrigerators and 45,000 music and movie
titles. As Tandy CEO John Roach puts it, "If it's not in the Universe, it
doesn't exist."
If the stores' guaranteed low prices don't draw the crowds, the Disney-like
atmosphere may. Customers are greeted by karaoke singers and salespeople
dubbed "cast members" who offer product information and door-prize entry
blanks. Can't shop with little Johnny in tow? The stores have their own
child-care center - stocked with - what else? - electronic toys sold
elsewhere in the store. The hope, of course, is that the kid will beg Mom
and Dad to take some home. Said one father in Dallas: "One hour of
baby-sitting cost me $400."
--------------------------
Today's thought:
"Columbus did not know where he was going. When he got back, he didn't
know where he'd been. And he did it all on borrowed money. There's hope
for all of us."
--------------------------
"In Colorado this week, scientists discovered what they believe is a
dinosaur egg from the Jurassic period. They were a little disappointed
when they looked inside and found a pair of 145 million-year-old
pantyhose."
-- Jay Leno
----------------------------------------------------
The following are from:
spectre@uiuc.edu (Ian Chai)
--------------------------
One of my politically conservative friends sent this to me... I thought
it was funny even though I'm not a political conservative... so I
thought I'd send it on to you.
From: Larry Holder [##09@utmartn.bitnet]
]From a cartoon in "Citizen" newsletter
Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have
to let one of you go."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age
discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male
employee, who then responds:
"I think I might be gay..."
--------------------------
A nuncio, where they exist, has the rank of an ambassador.
While in Paris, Roncalli once said: "You know, it's rough being
a papal nuncio. I get invited to these diplomatic parties where
everyone stands around with a small plate of canapes trying not
to look bored. Then, in walks a shapely woman in a low-cut,
revealing gown, and everyone in the whole place turns around
and looks -- AT ME!"
--------------------------
The Vatican II council marked the beginning of a new spirit of openness
on the part of Rome toward Christians not of the papal
obedience. The story is told that, when it was announced that
Protestant leaders would be invited to the council as
observers, the conservative Cardinal Ottaviani was horrified.
He said (to Pope John):
"But Your Holiness, Protestants are heretics!"
"Do not say, 'heretics,' my son. Say, 'separated
brethren.'"
"They are in league with the devil!"
"Do not say, 'devil,' my son. Say, 'separated angel.'"
--------------------------
This weekend on JACK VAN IMPE PRESENTS was featured a very interesting
cartoon. On the cartoon was featured a man complaining to God about
all of today's problems.
The man was saying to God (if my memory serves me right), "God, don't you care?
Why haven't you sent doctors with a cure for aids, scientist with a
solution to pollution problems"? And the man went on and on
complaining to God why He has not sent people to cure all of today's woes.
And God said, "I have sent them." And the man said, "but where are
they." Then God said, "You ABORTED them!"
--------------------------
My best friend Glenn Chappell [chappell@math.uiuc.edu] and I were
discussing how HAL 9000 has been put online here at the University of
Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, a little late if you follow the movie's
timeline, but a little early if you follow the book's timeline.
However, it's bogus -- it's not a voice-activated Heuristically
ALgorithmic computer -- it's a SPARC 10/50.
However, I noted that SPARCs have a speaker... so we thought we should
record that shutdown sequence from the move, where HAL regresses and
sings nursery rhymes, and rig the "shutdown" script to play it when you
get the:
Warning: HAL.cs.uiuc.edu is going down in 5 minutes
message. 8-)
--------------------------
]Date: 22 Jul 93 08:29:13 CDT
]From: Tim Thompson [x1304tt@tobvm2.bitnet]
]Subject: Did the RAPTURE happen without me??
]
]Hi, guys -
]
]We've gotten NADA over the net since yesterday morning. Is JESUS-L traffic
]moving okay where you are? I posted three items this morning, but received
]no acknowledgment from LISTSERV. BTW, "this morning" is 7/22.
]
]Tim (no messages to read, so I guess I gotta work! ;-)
]
Dear Tim,
This is an automatic answering daemon. We have received your message
"Did the RAPTURE happen without me??" designated for Ian Chai.
Unfortunately, Ian Chai is one of the approximately
10% of all our students, faculty and staff who mysteriously disappeared
around 5 a.m. CDT July 21.
In view of the current crisis, it is impossible for the system
administrators, who have also been decimated by the disappearances, to
reply to your message personally.
We apologize for the inconvenience.
Sincerely,
Ronald P. Atheist
Interim Postmaster
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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